Watch Me

I'm about to fall,
now I'm waiting for you to catch me.
Please, please,
be there to catch me.

That's it.

I thought that I was smarter than to waste a year and a half on someone that NEVER EXISTED. I thought that I learned my lesson November 12th, at the airport, when I found out you and Jace had the same phone number. I thought I learned my lesson in June when Oriana, Jace and I did a three way call and his voice was the same Tieler's. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THAT SHIT? I'm done with this. I've put too much time and energy into loving someone that will never, ever exist. Tonight I'm deleting your phone number and picture from my phone. Tomorrow I will delete your pictures from my computer. I don't want you to be alive anymore, because as long as you exist in my memory you are still alive. I never want to hear about you again. Not from anyone. Yes, I will still think about you from time to time, but I'm not going to waste anymore time hoping that one day you will come back to me. It's not going to happen. I know that. I just need it to sink it first.

REAAAAAAALLLYYY long

Are you satisfied with your life right now?
It's getting better

Where are you right now?
Living roooom.

What mood are you in?
Sick and stressed out

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Florida!

Who was the last person that left you a comment?
I think anna, on my personal,
And kat on my main

Would you ever enhance or get any kind of plastic surgery?
Nopee

Have you had a meaningful relationship?
At the time, yes,
looking back on it, no.

Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
Sycamore Tree Pre-School

Would you ever get a belly piercing?
Probably

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yes please

Were you happy when you woke up today?
No, it was 5 in the morning and I had a horrible headache

Honestly, do you like anyone?
I'm not sure.

What are you listening to right now?
Slowdance With a Stranger - Danger Radio

Last nap?
Yesterday

Do you cry easily?
Very, very, very.

Where is the next place you will go to?
Probably my bed

Do you have any gay friends?
Yes

What is something you currently want right now?
A boyfriend, please.

When did you last throw up?
Yuck, today :/

Do you want to get married & have children one day?
One day.

Where is your default picture taken?
Living room for both profiles

What was the weather like today?
Sunny at first, then turned to shiiet :/

Do you like to cuddle?
Depends

How many kids do you want?
1 or 2

Last thing you drank?
Water

Favorite flavored Pie?
Chocolate

Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they dont?
Yeeeh.

How many US states have you lived in?
Just Washington

What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hair, style, smile

Are you comfortable with your height?
I'm preeettty tall.
But I wouldn't trade it.

How tall are you?
5'9"

Last myspace message you received, was from?
Kimo on my main account,
Kat on my personal

Can you handle the truth?
I would rather have the truth than anything else,
even if I can't handle it.

Have you broken a bone?
Just toes


Have you ever had a panic attack?
Alll the time

Are you good at giving directions?
Noooo.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Reeses! It's the only peanut butter that I like.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
NO.


Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not

Who was the Last Person you talked to before you went to sleep last night?
Kat

What are you not looking forward to today?
Pizza for dinnnerrr!

Have you ever made out on your bed?
Mhm.


What "bases" have you hit?
i don't play baseball (;

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
Nope, he's an ass.

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life?
Two people.
Who I would gladly watch die. Slowly. Painfully.

Do you have a best friend?
A few

Who was the last person on your bed besides yourself?
Carissa

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Right

What is bothering you right now?
I don't feel well

When was the last time you got a back massage?
Sunday

Is it worth crying over a guy/girl?
Shit happens

What's your most hated food?
Uhh, liver and onions? haha

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Hayley

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
Closed

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Not really

Who's car were you in last other than yours?
My dad's

Who was the last conversation you had on the phone with?
My mom

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Nope

Is there any meaning behind your profile song?
Nope

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
Yeah. Karma's a biiiitch.

Do you trust people easily?
Sometimes.

Do you give out second chances easily?
Yeah, I gotta stop that.

What color are your eyes?
Blue

Do you smile a lot?
When I'm anxious, which is most of the time,
so yeeeh.

One thing you're looking forward to?
Going school stuff shopping!

How do you feel about change?
It's needed a lot of times.

Does the person you like know that you like them?
Erm.. yeah about that..

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Oh yes.

Do you have any enemies?
Just one.

What is the longest you have gone without checking your Myspace?
Like two weeks.

Miss someone?
Eh

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
All the time

What makes you laugh?
Weird stuff

Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you?
Probably Pablo, but he only hurt me at first because of the shit he said to me.
Then I looked at the situation and realized that I was better off with out that ass hole bringing me down.
So thanks for leaving :D!

Have you ever made anyone laugh when they were crying?
Yeah

Are you happy?
Not at the moment

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Mhm.

Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
No! She's my mom, I love her to death

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
Lots :|

Will you kiss that person again?
HELLLL NO.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Nope


Who did you last see in person?
My brother

Who are you talking to right now?
No one

Are you listening to music right now?
Yes

Do you like Chinese food?
Only duck.

Did anyone see your last kiss?
Nope.

Where is the next place you will travel to?
Idno

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Ugh, I don't even know.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's underwear?
I buy little boys undies from target :D

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Waking up and looking at the clock, then falling back asleep

Do you say sexy a lot?
Uhh no?


When was the last time you had a sleepover?
At my dad's with Rissa

What was the last thing you bought?
My mom's birthday present

Are you afraid to fall in love?
I'm ready.

Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere?
Nope

Name something great that happened today?
Nothing

I'm Alexa, and You Are...?

I lied. I'm not over him. I never will be. He was my first love, true love, that was washed down the drain faster than I could say goodbye. But that aside, I'm having speculations that he is back in my life... somehow, in a way that I will not say due to the fact that I don't want someone to read this and find out. I have a strong feeling, maybe it's just paranoia, but I have a strong feeling that one of my best friends is not who they say they are. I know how to get the truth out of them, I did it last year I can do it again. I just don't want it to be true, I don't want the person who made up Tieler to have made up this person too, I just can't handle that again.

Questions and Answers

1. Would you chew gum after someone else already has?

Only from Hayley or a boyfriend haha

2. What age do you want to get married?

Whenever I'm ready

3. Who were your last 5 calls from?

Work, my dad, my grandma, my mom and Anthony

4. Are you a heart breaker, or the broken heart?

Broken Heart

5. Ever been skinny dipping?

Once. I'd like to go again (:

6. Earrings or necklace?

Necklace

7. Who have you talked to most today?

Rissa

8. Pumpkins?

Not anytime.

9. Friend that lives closest to you?

Hayley if I'm at my dads

10. Colour of your shirt?

Gray

11. How many years have you taken a language?

None

12. Who's on speed dial 2?
I think my mom

13. What colour is your background on your computer?

It's of Edward Norton (:

14. Do you wish on 11:11?

Not anymore, reminds me of someone too much :/

15. Good advice if you ever go camping?

Ermmm, remember to put up your rain fly.
hahahah.

16. Are you a bad influence?

I hope not. Hahaha Hayley (:

17. What colour are your eyes?

Blue.

18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name?

I don't think a girl named "Nicholas" would be very cute.

19. Would you do anything for someone?

Besides my mom and dad, one person.
but he's only in my memory now so I guess not.

20. Have you ever been called a bitch?

What woman hasn't.

21. Favourite colour?

Turquiose.

22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?

Too much.

23. What song is on?

Love By Way of Hollywood - From Aphony.
It's on shuffle on my Ipod hahah

24. Are/Were your grades good?

They used to be good.
Then I hit high school.

25. Do you think people hate you for filling these out?

I'm not forcing anyone to read it so no.

26. Does anything on your body hurt right now?

My back

27. Does your best friend have a myspace?

Yeep!

28. What web page did you visit last?

Myspace

29. Last time you went out to lunch?

Can't remember :/

30. Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?

Nope.

31. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?

Nope.

32. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?

Yeah

33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s?

Actually, I have her first one. ON TAPE.
hahaha wow I'm old.

34. Which radio stations are your favorites?

107.7 The End and Kiss 106.1

35. Are you a Lost fanatic?

God no.

36. Still have pictures of your ex?

A few. I can't seem to delete them, because if I did I would never be able to look at him again.

37. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library?

Nope.

38. Alanis Morisette?

No.

39. Do you watch Family Guy Regularly?

When I catch it on

40. King of the Hill?

Same as above

41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?

Nope.

43. Do you sing in the car?

Yep.

44. Do you ever sing in the shower?

Sometimes to get my mind off paranoid thoughts :/

45. Have you ever watched a little kid's show?

Yes, Wonder Pets is THEE cutest show ever.

46. Have you ever pretended that you were a power ranger?

For Halloween I went as the pink one.

47. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in primary school?

Nope, he drew ME pictures (:
Still have them somewhere

48. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn't ask her/him out Because you were afraid?

Yes, who hasn't?
But then there was another time that HE asked ME out, but I said no because I was scared.
how fucked up is that?

49. Have you ever written a poem or story about your life?

I have like 500 poems I wrote.

50. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but a certain person?

Yes.

51. Have you ever liked someone solely because of there appearance?

Not completely because of their looks, but attractiveness has a little to do with it

52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?

Lol Me? No.

53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?

Organization, yes. I know just about where everything is in my room, even if it's messy as hellll

54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?

Nope.

55. Do you know how to knit?

Yeahh.

56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?

Nope.

57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them on myspace?

Nope.

58. Do you keep a diary or journal online?

Well, since I'm posting this in my blog, I'd have to say yes...

59. When you open your closet, what is the dominant color?

Black.

60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?

Baskin Robbins

61. Physics or chemistry?

Neither.

62. Earphones or headphones?
Headphones that surround your entire ears.
yeaaah (:

63. Pink or teal?

Teal

64. Earrings or a ring?

Earrings

65. Commitment or casual dating?

Commitment.

66. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?

Star Wars

67. Fly or road trip?

Road Trip.

68. Starbucks?

Never been.

69. What is your favorite Disney movie?

Finding Nemo!

70. Have you ever bought flowers for someone?

Yeah (:
But no ones ever bought flowers for me ):

All Alone

Do you understand what it's like to go to a party, or be with a bunch of people, and just sit in the corner and not do anything? To be so scared to talk to anyone, or to be social, that you have to sit there? I do. Because it's something I've always had to live with. I am a social phobic. It has been hard to accept and most people don't understand it at all. It is the fear of judgment and people. And I don't mean being scared of what people think of you. I'm saying full on, terrified of what people are going to think or say about you. To have your anxiety so high that you have frequent panic attacks, can't breathe, and just can't be there. But most of the time you can't just make a quick exit, you have to wait till someone can take you home, till it's safe to walk, or something stupid like that. I don't know how to control it, I don't know how to stop it. I just have to live with it, and most of the time it's completely unbearable. I hate knowing I can't enjoy being with friends, or talking to someone that I've never met to get to know them. This is probably why I'm always single. I can't get up the damn courage to meet someone.

Boyfriend?

I've been single way too much in my life. I've been the object of fun for every boy I've ever met, with the exception of one, the one who has never taken advantage of me, never lied to me, always told me how it was, and has always been there for me no matter what. the boy I want. the boy I can't have. So I'm finally deciding to move on. Of course there will always be a part of me that loves him, but I'm trying to whittle that down to just a friend. I don't need a boyfriend, I just really want one. I don't need a boy to complete me, trust me I learned that lesson a lonnnng time ago. But it's just nice to have someone to be there with you and for you. Someone to be your mutual addiction, someone to eat up your time in a good way, and someone to never let you down. Everyone has one, please be mine ):

I Don't Miss You, and I Hope You Realize That

I know that I don't miss you. But somewhere deep inside I want you to miss me, just so you can come crawling back to me apologizing for everything and I can reject you worse then you rejected me. I don't like you. As a friend, or more, I just don't. I'm on borderline hate for you because of the shit you said to me. And seeing you last night brought back ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I don't even know what else to say, other then I don't want you in my life. I want nothing more then for you to stay away from me. I have done just fine since we stopped being friends and I don't need you to be there to baby me. It was nice while the friendship lasted, but we're done. I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. Get that through your bony ass head.

Failure of Humankind

I really, really, truly am sorry that I failed you. That I'm not good enough to be the perfect girl. This really could go out to two different people, because to both of them I'm just not good enough. They are both very close to me, and I would do anything to be good enough for them, but I'm not. I never have been. I miss the days when we were close. Rewind eleven years. You'll see a girl hiding the biggest secret of her life. Now that I think about it, we never were close. You were always criticizing me, you were always making sure that I was the wrong one, and that I could never be right. Alright, now let's rewind three years. When me and this other person were on top of the world together. No one could stop us, we talked at least two hours every single night. I told him every secret that there was inside of me, and he never judged me on any of it. But now that I'm getting this all out, maybe he did judge me on it, and that's why we barely talk anymore. The park, my room, online. It all makes sense now. You're happy with out me, and I should let that go. I'm sorry that I'm not her, that I can't make you happy. I think first I need to make myself happy. But I know I failed you both, with the self-injury, with the mental problems. It was never my idea to fail you guys. I just wanted to be your friends.

6,602,224,175

I'm tired of being alone. Of not feeling love from the people I should feel love from. People describe me with good characteristics, so why, why, why am I sitting here day after day alone and depressed? The two go hand in hand, I'm alone because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I'm alone. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to go out there, meet people, and create friends, with a horrible fear of people? I have no body to date. I have hardly any friends. I have a brother who hates me, and parents that sometimes forget I'm here. Who is supposed to function with a lifestyle like that? I just don't understand what goes through other peoples heads when I walk up to them. What are they thinking? Am I really that horrible? Do people really dislike me that much?

Best Friends?

Yeeeeep, those are some hella old pictures :| haha but I love them, they reminds me of the D-Derby with my dad and Hayley, one of the last good memories we had before I moved. What I'm trying to say with this blog is that I miss my best friend. So much has happened in the last three years, and it's driven us apart. I mean, I come to my dad's house and obviously want to see her, and she's busy with other friends and doens't have time for me. When I go out of my way to make sure that she can come over to my house every break from school. I don't know, I just miss when we were inseprable, but she wasn't there to say goodbye the day that I moved. She never visited me when I was in the hospital, like a lot of people did not, but that really hurt. Here she is, always been my number one, and she's not there for me. I would do backflips (if I could) to make sure that she never hurt, and if I could I would kick the asses of all the guys that hurt her. I'm not sure if she would do that for me.

I Still Love Him

You promised forever. You promised me a ring, and along with that promise you promised you would never let go of the feeling that was love. I want to go back to last september, when we were the strongest. When no one could touch us...but then again I couldn't touch you. You were two thousand two hundred and eighty four miles away. At least I thought you were. But then November Twelfth Two Thousand Seven came, then December Twentieth Two Thousand Seven came, and then sometimes a few months ago came, when I found out the absolute truth. Some people don't believe it, some people don't want to believe it. But I know it. You don't exist, I know that. And I said that I would forget about you and move on. But I am now realizing that that's impossible. I still love you, with all my heart, head over heels. When I heard your voice on that phone and it was supposed to be someone else, I broke. I havn't come back from that point, I don't know how. I still love you and I don't want to. I want to love someone real. Someone who I can see in more than just a picture. Someone who loves me back for real. I want you to exist.

Done

Am I done? What makes this time so different from the last six years? I had to get stitches last time, that is what's so different. Sure, I should have gotten stitches like five or six other times, but I never did. Now I have to live with the humiliating scars that are payback for hurting myself like this. I'm not going to lie, I want it. I want to go back and feel no more pain, but just bleed out the problems. I want to forget that today is my three months and take back time with one slice of a razor. But it wouldn't stop there, would it? One would lead to five, five would lead to twenty, and I can't do that. I have a job interview tomorrow at a children's store. If I get the job, how am I supposed to come to work every weekend with rows of cuts on my arms? It's just not going to happen. But I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to deal with my depression, stress, anxiety, social phobia and everything else. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through it, or who I'm supposed to turn to that can actually give me advice. I'm waiting for someone to save me and I know that's not the right thing to do. I can only save myself, and I don't know how. Just like everything else in like, I don't know how.

"The Scene"

Alright, we've alllll been there. The skinny jeans, the slip on Vans, the studded belt, the stripped shirt or band tee, and of course, who could forget the coon stripes.. It's the "Scene." And frankly, it's the stupidest thing on earth. It's not about the music anymore, it's about who has the tightest pants, who has the straightest hair, and who has the most obscure band name on their tshirt. And then, there's the hello kitty, gloomy bear, diamonds and bats. Come on people. Hello kitty I will give people credit for because I know a lot of people that have liked hello kitty since they were little kids. But the rest of it? It's nothing but people conforming to an idea that they think will make them cool. When really? You look like a faggot with your mullet haircut and overly done eyeliner. Yeah, okay, I wear skinny jeans sometimes. BECAUSE THEY LOOK CUTE ON ME. Not because I'm going around telling people how drunk I got at the show last night and got brusies from eighteen different people from moshing. Oh yeah, there's people that actually say shit like that. Because they are so damn hardcore. And then there's the group of "wanna be scenesters." Who think that because they have a band tee, or because they have skinny jeans, they're scene. "The Scene" started out as all about the music. You go to shows, meet some people, listen to the music, learn about new bands, and start all over again. I mean, when did skinny jeans, band tee's, slip on vans or chuck taylors even become part of "the scene." Isn't that what emo kids used to wear back in the day when emo was actually emo? Before it became "OMFG I'M SO DEPRESSED I'M GOING TO GO SHOOT MYSELF." come on people, seriously? Get a lifeeeee.

(:

I'm starting to like this new...ish yet old boy more and more. I think I like him more than I did the first time around. That's either a really good thing or a really bad thing, I havn't figured it out yet. My anxiety is really high right now and I'm tired as shit, but I'm realllyyy excited to see him for the first time in like... four months. There's so much I could tell him, there's so much I'm not going to say though. If me and him do end up dating again, it will be really hard. He's best friends with someone that I never want to have anything to do with ever again. We already went out once and it failed miserably, so we would have to work on so much to make it work this time. Hell I don't even know if we are going to go back out again...I hope we do though hahah. It seems like everything is falling into place right now, including this. My moods have been up instead of down, and my happiness has been at an all time high, and that's such a good thing. I've erased the negativity out of my life, and I'm so thankful that I did that. When I dated him last time I was so happy. I felt like... I've never felt before. I felt good about myself. That someone liked me for me. That I liked im for him. That everything is right again. Please, let everything be right again.

Oh, Is It Love?

I'm starting to wonder if what I felt for him was love... I mean, he "lived" in "Indiana" and I've never met him. I never will meet him. You know why? Because someone made him up. Someone lied for almost a year, pretending to be him. I still feel what I felt before for him last year, but I can't figure out if it's love. It was the best feeling in the world, and it's lessened a bit since then so if it is love I'm definitely falling out of it, but I thought for so long that I loved him. But it is possible to love someone that you've never met? Is it possible to have so much feeling for someone that you've never even see move? You should have seen me the night I heard Jace's voice. The exact same voice as Tieler's. I told him "I love you" so many times. What if I never meant it? How do I know? I think I do know. I loved him. He was everything to me. Every time there was a knock on the door I would pray to whatever is up there that it was him, coming to surprise me. I was "unofficially" engaged to him for five months. I loved him with everything I had, and it was ripped away from me just like that. But I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to leave his memory behind, because that's all he is now.