Stranger Danger

Here's a bit of something that I wrote today,
I hope you guys like it! (:




I thought about you today.
But then I stopped myself.
Because thinking about you,
only brings back the heartache
that I have tried so hard
to keep out of sight.

I paced through the living room
while the TV played some horrible theme music
to an eighties sitcom.
I tried to hold it together
but it was no use.
I burst into tears
just as the main character
fell down the stairs.

You told me to "walk it off."
I tried, but I failed.
I failed quite miserably
if I remember correctly.
I think it was the concept
that I misunderstood.
I didn't really know
how to "walk off"
a broken heart.

Love wasn't enough for you.
I don't think anything was enough for you.
I could give given you a diamond
the size of a cantalope,
and  you still would
have stuck up your nose at it.

That was the last time I looked into your eyes.
Across the coffee table,
giggling uncontrolably.
I bet you thought
you had something to do with that, didn't you?
Sorry to disappoint,
but it was my medication
that had that effect on me.

I smiled at you from down the aisle.
You were picking up cereal
and I was putting syrup in my cart.
You were cute, very cute,
but I then remembered the "Stranger Danger"
video we watched in middle school.
Honestly, I think they should have shown us that shit
when we were still young enough to care.

I figured out I was stronger than you
the day I cried and collected myself
and you just stood there, stone-faced.
You seem to think that the fact
that you can beat me
at that stupid hammer game at the fair
makes you stronger.
You clearly know nothing about life.

Halloween Party!

So last night I went to my aunt and uncles Halloween party, and I dressed up as a kitty! Here are some pictures of my costume!

And of course, we have the picture that I couldn't resist taking....

And then there's the picture of me being pissed at Ghia for not cooperating.... heheh

Hahahahah
Hope you guys had fun with whatever you all did last night! (:

Another Redo... and an update!

So I just redid my blog... again. I bet you guys are getting sick of me redoing it so much, huh? I'm hoping that this new look will get me back into the swing of blogging!

Another new thing: I've started writing my second book! This one is more fictional short stories, and I'm really happy with the ones I've already written.

Thirdly, I have missed you all! SO MUCH! I miss talking with you guys through comments and I miss connecting with you all through my writing! It's making me very sad, which means for the month of November, I am making it a priority to blog again!

How's everyone's Halloween plans coming along? I'm sure a lot of you are going out tonight and tomorrow night to celebrate. I have a family party to attend tomorrow and I'm knitting my kitty costume! (Well, I knitted my ears... now  I'm knitting my tail and then my paws!) What are you all dressing up as?! I'm really curious to know hehe!

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you all with a lack of posting, yet again.

Please bear with me!

I will be back here just as soon as I can.

Take care everyone,

and please let me know what you're dressing up as for Halloweenie, as well as what your plans for Monday are! I'm very curioussss!

Once Upon a Time Home

This is a little something I wrote the other day in about ten minutes!
I hope you guys enjoy it, and of course, leave your opinions if you please!

Your crisp voice
still echoed through the house,
which we once called "ours".
I stood at the bottom of the staircase
looking up at the doors
to the bedrooms above.
It looked so different,
yet exactly the same.
The decrepit railing
that scaled the wall
acted almost as a frame
for the ancient wallpaper
that lined the stairway.
It was dark.
Darker than I remember it ever being.
I wasn't sure if the lights even worked,
but I was too frightened of bad wiring
to worry about flipping any switches.
I gripped onto the railing.
The stairs seemed sturdy enough,
but I was still uneasy
about the thought of them giving way.
I made my way to our bedroom.
Well, our old bedroom.
I walked into the vast space,
and laughed when I saw
the closet door,
still wide open.
You always had a problem
with it never shutting properly.
I closed my eyes
and took a deep breath.
I wanted to have
as much of a reminder of you
as I possibly could.
It's funny how when something,
or someone,
slips through your fingers
in the journey towards the light,
you tend to be reminded of them
sixty times more
after they're gone.
I have smelled this room a thousand times,
at least.
But it was this exact smell
that reminded me so much
of the late night talks in bed,
the early morning crossword puzzles,
the spilled coffee on the comforter,
and of course,
the constant fights
over the blankets.
I talked to you.
I filled you in on how I was,
what I was doing as of lately,
and I updated you on the cat.
I asked you how you were,
and what you were up to these days.
I asked if you had finally gotten
that law degree that you wanted
for so damn long.
I knew you wouldn't reply,
but even so,
I could have sworn
that I heard your still crisp voice
echoing through
our once-upon-a-time home.

Apology and Update (oh and a few pictures too!)

Hey guys,

I wanted to write a post for two reasons. First off, I really want to apologize to you guys for my lack of updates recently. I know a lot of you will probably say that I don't need to apologize, since it's my blog and I can post whenever I want. Although that is true, it doesn't change the fact that I feel so guilty for just randomly updating and barely posting anything that I feel is "good material". This leads us into reason number two for this post. Things have been... well, crazy around here. There's a lot of unforeseeable situations that have popped up, and it is my current goal to focus on getting myself better and stable. I really hope you all can understand this. To put it bluntly, I just don't have the energy or focus to sit down and write out a heartfelt post. You can, however, check out my tumblr page (click this) because I post random thoughts on there throughout the day. I wish you all the best in the coming days, weeks or whatever until I can fully commit myself to writing out "good" posts on here. Take care you guys, and thank you for all the continued support. 

Oh and here's some pictures I took yesterday - the weather was so fantastically fall!

These were taken at the end of my street! With the exception of the seagull, he was in the park (which is ACROSS the street from my house) Also, these were taken with my Rebel XS and my 75-300, except for the second one up from the bottom (the "chewed up" leaf) which was taken with my 18-55.

List of Things to do Before the Zombie Apocalpyse

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I hate the term "Bucket List" and I couldn't tell you why. It just really bugs me for some reason, so every time I think about what to add to my life of things to do before I die, I usually just say, "This is my list of things to do before I die." I could never think of an awesome name. Until today. I present to you: My list of things to do before the Zombie Apocalypse! Most of these things I came up with when I was 15, seeing as this list started as a Myspace blog. I added quite a few new things today. Also, there are some personal ones that I chose not to put on here haha. Without further ado, I give to you, MY LIST! (In no particular order, of course)

• Dance in the rain
• Get on a bus and go where it takes me
• Meet a serial killer (they should already be in prison when I meet them, though!)
• Learn to play guitar
• Watch all the Star Wars movies in order, all at once
• Go on a road trip
• Point at a map and go where my finger lands
• Jump on those shiny Christmas balls until they break
• Kiss someone in the rain
• Send a message in a bottle and hope to get a reply 
• Go skinny dipping in the ocean
• See a meteor shower
• Sit in a hotel room and order room service all day
• Own a pet snake
• Find a four-leaf clover
• Get wasted in Ireland
• Get married
• Start a family
• Beat my brother at a video game (like, play against each other at the same time and beat him)
• Get married in Evergreen Park
• Own a camera and not break it
• Make a list of 100 things that make me happy
• Talk on the phone for 24 hours straight
• Beat my record of 52 hours of no sleep
• Take pictures in a photobooth with my best friend
• Leave a 100% tip a restaurant (my original idea was a 50% tip, but my old friend and I left 100% one time!)
• Jump off a waterfall
• Get a secret on the post secret website or book
• Leave notes in books
• Attend a protest for something I believe in
• Earn my beads at Mardi Gras
• Attend New Years Eve in New York
• Be kissed at midnight on New Years Eve
• Meet a hobo and talk about life
• Write a book
• Kiss someone in the middle of an airport
• Ask a stranger out on a date
• Visit a haunted asylum
• Dangle my feet over the edge of a cliff
• Meet someone with the same name
• Receive a letter in a foreign language
• Pick a daisy and see if he really does love me or not
• See for myself if the world is round
• Have a picnic in a tree
• Make out with someone in an elevator
• Get something besides my ears pierced 
• Get a tattoo, or two, or three...
• Play strip poker
• Beat Hayley at Kick the Fire Hydrant 
• See the Titanic artifacts... again
• Spend the night in a cemetary 
• Have a food fight
• Visit all 50 states
• Ride a bike into a lake
• See the Wizard of Oz on the big screen
• Watch all the Indiana Jones movies in order
• Go to Egypt
• Walk to the top of the Empire State Building
• Complete a New York Times crossword puzzle
• Overcome my phobias
• Sponsor a child in a foreign country 
• Get my kicks on Route 66
• Do something completely spontaneous 
• Go to a bonfire on the beach 
• Have my photography put in a gallery, even if just for a show
• Make a positive impact on someone's life
• Get my book published
• Do something unbelievably kind for a stranger
• Rebuild my relationship with my brother
• Host a dinner party
• Host a Titanic themed party
• Knit something for a cause
• Go on an African Safari (Awesome camera and/or lenses required!)
• Go snorkeling in an exotic place (aka not Seattle)
• Go on a helicopter tour of Seattle
• Have a coffee date and/or dinner date with someone I never imagined being able to meet (Anyone have Edward Norton's phone number..?!)
• Have a coffee date with a complete stranger
• Ride in a limo
• Meet my online friends and acquaintances in person 
• Attend at least one Fashion Week
• Start a collection of something I love
• Stay in the Hotel Chelsea 
• Open my used bookstore/coffee shop/venue
• Create an artistic family tree

My Bro!

I'm pretty sure this is the only picture in existence of my brother and I when we are both over the age of 12. More importantly, it's one of the very few pictures in which he's smiling, and not making a face at the camera. (Something he is infamous for.) This picture was taken in November of 2008. I was 17 and he was just about to turn 20. It's strange to think, and somehow I just realized, that my brother is 20 in this picture. That's how old I am right now. Hm. My brother and I have been through quite a bit in our lives, most fighting and name calling (to the extreme) once we hit our teenage years. I know that once my emotions took full control of me once I turned 15, he was bitter towards me. My relationship with my brother has always saddened me. I think back to the days of Snorlax beanies, Grimmy, Louis, Barbie cars, radio shows on the voice recorder, fighting over who was to open the first present on Christmas (until my parents decided to give us each a small present to rip open at the same time!), hilarious dinner table stories, and of course, "Can I have a dollar?" All of these things are such prominent pieces of my life, and I truly cherish them. My brother will always be my brother, but I feel as if I've missed out on so much of us being siblings in recent years. I love him so much. I wish he could see that I'm not the annoying little 12 year old girl that I used to be (Nick, if you ever read this, this is proof! I admit it! I was an annoying little kid!) I always wished I had the kind of relationship with my brother that my friends have with theirs. I want to be able ask my brother for advice on things, and talk about the nerdy things we both enjoy. I want to be able to invite him to go places with me without it being awkward. (Then again, I AM an awkward person... so most things turn out that way.) I want to be able to hug him without him freaking out, or even worse, just standing there while I DO hug him. I will admit, things have gotten better over the last few months. His birthday is coming up in just over a month from now, I'm trying to think of something awesome to make him again this year. (This is what I made him last year! It's a 'quilted' 8 bit Link that I then sewed on to dark green fleece for a blanket!) Well, that concludes my vent-sesh about my brother!

I've been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don't adverise

Okay, so I had to use Bright Eyes lyrics for this title.... it just fits.

Anyways, I have been having the most interesting and bizarre dreams the last week and a half or so. There was one about Disneyland, British punk kids, driving a tram through a crowd of people, and my brother getting mad at me for making his mini taquitos. I had another one about a GIANT glass building, like ceilings, floors, walls.. ALL glass, and that was the entire town. Some weird stuff happened in that one. I had another one about ghosts, and something that I will never repeat. Ever. I've only told my mom about it and it terrified me. UGH! Then last night I had this one....

So this is only the end part, because I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of the dream.

I was in the 50s, driving my car with some guy that I had just met (he was in a different car) and I was telling him about the people that I had hit while driving, and he asked me to take him back to the place it happened so I was driving back and hit a telephone pole but then I showed him where the bodies of these two teenagers were and he told me to park my car and follow him to get away from possible police...

So then we walked up this extremely short yet verrrrry steep hill that lead to this tinyyyy town (like literally the entire town was one street) and we had had to block our faces from the 10 or so cars that drove past us... I'm still wondering why there were ten cars driving down this hill that was literally only like 50 FEET long... Anyways, we were going to go into this bed and breakfast that had two stories to it, since all the other buildings were one story, and the guy I was with explained that if we got a room on the second floor, we could see the accident site in case the police came. but I told him "no I want to go here because the floors are closer together" (yeah I know, wtf?!) With that said, we then went into this laundry mat place and there were a few other people in there that had all been traveling and one of them had a bunny and let it out and I was playing with it and stuff. Then one of the random people there was like "we have to go" all seriously and a bunch of people were getting ready to leave but then I woke up

 

So now that I'm awake, I don't understand why it was so important to get away from the crime scene when we had left our cars on the side of the ride RIGHT THERE....

 

Also, I just realized the strange link between this all.

The cars we encountered on the hill were all driving down it.

Not a single one went up.

Well this town was the only thing at the top of this hill.

And then when the laundry mat people that were traveling through town

suddenly "had to leave"?

I don't know what it means

but it's creeping me out now...

Happy Birthday, Little Blog!

 I can't believe it! My blog is FOUR YEARS OLD! I don't remember it's exact birth day, so I instead celebrate it's birth month. I realize that it's already nearly halfway into October at this point, and I really can't believe that my little blog's birthday slipped my mind! So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BLOG! It's no longer a baby! I would also like to thank all my readers for sticking with me, and reading through my ups and downs and side to sides! I am very grateful to have such wonderful readers with me every step of the way. Here's to the next year of writings and pictures, updates and rants. I hope to continue to grow as a blogger and I can't wait to see where I am in the next year, especially with the fact that I MIGHT (maybe, not for certain yet!) have some wonderfully awesome news for you guys! Stay tuned and, like always, take care.

Hope

The moonlight bounced off the pavement,and I watched in amazement
as the stars floated,
millions of miles above me.
They were so far away.
Too far, really.
I would never reach them,
as hard as I tried.
Even the tree branches tried.
Stretching out, up and over,
all different directions...
they all wanted to touch the stars,
but they all failed,
just like me.
But night after night,
they begged for the strength
to reach up just a few more inches.
Perhaps in a couple thousand years
they will be tall enough
to grasp one of those twinkling balls of light,
and pull it back to Earth.
Hope.
That's all they really needed.
The trees and their branches,
with hope, I am almost certain,
could reach the galaxies
far above us,
and touch a star.
There were a few
that I know most definitely had hope.
Although they did not speak to me directly,
they confided in the leaves,
that would in turn leave their branches,
and fall to the ground.
With a gasp of air,
as they were being strewn about by the wind,
the leaves would tell me these secrets of the trees.
It was always their dying words.
There was one tree, in particular,
who seemed to be a bit wiser than the rest.
He was knotted and rough,
his bark had worn off in places,
there was a bare spot where no leaves had ever grown,
and there was a small scar on his trunk,
from when that punk kid in the 50s
stabbed him with a switchblade.
He angrily told me about that day,
but finished with three slightly quiet words,
"Hey, who cares?"
He was taller than the rest,
and talked often about the stars.
I made it into a daily ritual
to sit next to him,
and laugh about the wonders of the world.
I told him about the snow in Canada,
the rolling hills of Ireland,
the waves in Florida,
and the skyscrapers in New York.
He wasn't even bothered a single bit.
I always found it strange
that he was never upset about the fact
that he would forever remain in the same place.
Continuing our conversation,
he laughed when I mentioned
that the moon seemed bigger in Europe.
With a curious tone to his voice,
he simply asked,
"But have you ever noticed that the moon,
no matter where you are,
always has the same spots?"
I thought about it.
He truly was a wise tree.
I smiled and asked him
one simple question.
"What's your favorite thing about the world?"
He chuckled.
"Oh dear.." he started.
"...the stars, of course.
Have you ever just stared at them?
They're beautiful and mysterious...
they bring me the most joy out of anything."
I smiled.
Probably the biggest smile that has ever presented itself on my face.
My cheeks hurt and my eyes were squinty.
He talked for the majority of the evening,
his voice only occasionally interrupted
by the sound of my laughter.
He spoke of many things,
mostly the 60s and 70s.
He told me great stories about
pot heads and junkies,
addicts and 'the crazies',
as well as how he was almost positive
that Kurt Cobain himself
took a drunken piss on him
sometime in the 80s.
When the night sky had blanketed itself above us,
I told him it was time for me to head home,
so I could sleep.
Although I never saw his face,
and I honestly couldn't tell you if he even had one,
I could tell he was sad.
"I've had so much fun today.
I hope you enjoyed listening to my ramblings,
as much as I enjoyed telling them."
He sounded like he might cry,
from nostalgia or sadness,
I was truly unsure.
"Watch the stars, m'love"
He said, once again sounding like he was on the verge of tears.
"Watch them carefully.
You never know when they will disappear."
"Of course I loved it.
I don't laugh like that for no reason!"
I said, as I was turning to walk away.
"Take care, good sir.
I will be back again tomorrow,
and I will watch the stars,
and as I do, I will think of you.
I promise."
And with that I started my journey home.
As I slept,
I dreamed of the junkies and 'the crazies'
that my friend had spoken about.
I woke up the next morning,
got dressed, put on my shoes,
grabbed my keys,
and headed out the door.
I was excited to talk to him again.
It was strange that my best friend
was a tree.
I laughed at the thought of this,
and how I was possibly one of 'the crazies'
that my friend had so lovingly poked fun of.
I turned the corner
to where my friend, of course, always was.
I stopped.
Straight in front of me
was a gaping hole in the sky.
Where his branches always reached up, out and over,
there was nothing.
I shifted my eyes just barely to the right,
and I saw a truck,
driving away with logs on it's bed.
My mouth hung open as I tried to hold back tears.
I went to where his stump was,
his roots still firmly planted into the ground.
I sat down next to what was left of him.
I started to speak,
but something caught my eye.
A small ball of ash,
no bigger than the button on my jacket.
This time I smiled.
I wasn't sure if what I thought it was,
was what is actually was,
but I left it to my mind to believe that it was indeed
a star.
I licked my finger before placing it onto the star,
a little trick my parents taught me before touching the stove,
to make sure that it wasn't going to burn me.
After figuring out that I wasn't going to die from picking it up,
or perhaps turn into Jordy Verrill from Creepshow,
I picked it up.
I said a proper goodbye to my friend,
and I told him I would keep my promise
to always carefully watch the stars.
I put the star in my pocket,
as corny as that sounds,
and decided to walk around town for a bit.
After wasting several hours looking into shop windows,
puddle jumping,
and nearly getting run over by skateboarders,
I walked home.
Along the way,
I came across a few kids.
They were climbing the trees,
which were much smaller than my friend,
but seemed to fit these children much more properly.
I asked them curiously what they were doing
at nine o'clock at night,
climbing a tree.
The answer I got was obviously from an eight year old.
"We're trying to catch a star, duh."
I clenched my own star in my pocket,
smirking to myself.
I told them one thing, and one thing only.
"If you keep your hope alive, you'll reach it.
My friend got one last night."
I smiled just enough for them to see it.
"Good luck."
I said as I walked away.
I can only imagine what they said as soon as I turned my back.
But I knew they would understand one day.
I received just about everything
that most people long for their entire lives,
within just a few short weeks.
A best friend,
some great conversation,
a real, straight-from-the-sky star,
and most importantly,
hope.

Your Words

I tried to explain my reasoning to you,
but your eyes bore into me,
making it clear that you in no way
wanted to hear my explanation.
I flicked my eyes back and forth
between your cold stare
and your pierced lips.
I could only assume
that your tongue laid gently in it's resting place,
completely unaware of the thoughts,
cycling through your head,
that would become the ammunition
for the battle that was about to ensue.
Your tongue was enlisted
as the commander for an army of words.
Your words.
The ones that I used to listen to,
the ones that I used to believe.
Now, nothing but your cold heart fuels these syllables,
strung together by the thread of intent.
Intent to harm, to scare,
or even to puncture the trust we took so long to build.
Your words continued to pour out of your mouth.
By this time they were all floating around you,
unable to find the passage way
into my ears.
With every passing moment
the sea of lost sentences was becoming deeper.
Consuming us both, we sank beneath the surface
of the waves and the current.
I tried to swim,
I tried to hold my breath,
I tried to keep my heart beat stable.
Try as I might,
your words were too strong,
and I was pulled farther down.
Not only were they now filling up my ears,
but they were seeping in to every crevice possible.
I became bogged down,
too heavy to lift even my head above the waves.
I watched the light as it slowly faded to black.
Surrounded by your words,
I took a deep breath.
I closed my eyes
and I let myself sink.
Never in my wildest dreams
would I have thought that this would be the end.
Drowning in your living room,
the television as background music,
and the sun, beating through the window,
illuminating the usually dreary house.
After all the hate had penetrated my heart,
and all the screams rang throughout my head,
my mind was only concentrating on one thing.
I once again closed my eyes,
and smiled as I thought,
"It started off as a beautiful day."

Frustration

I have been so frustrated with the fact that I feel like the majority of my friends don't take me seriously. Don't get me wrong, there are a few who support me completely, but there's quite a few of them that I just feel could care less, or think that I'm not serious about things. For instance, if I try to contact a friend of mine about modeling for me for a shoot, she doesn't even respond. Yet she has a friend who JUST started taking photos, and she models for her all the time. Things like this happen more often than not. I'm not going to kid myself either. I know what people say about me when I'm not around, because I have friends that tell me when other friends are talking badly about me. This really, truly does not help my social phobia. Stuff like this happens all the time and I really just don't understand WHY. I also don't understand how some people have a million friends, best friends by their side, and yet they are horrible people. That's just a generality, I'm not thinking of anyone specifically, but it really does confuse me. I'm probably the least conceited person on earth, but I know that I'm a good person. I have a great personality. Why the heck can't other people see that?!

PS. 

Leslie move to Seattle.

kthanksbye.

He Might Have Brain Damage

I asked you what you were thinking about.
You smiled slightly and shook your head.
"Nothing." you said.
I imagined the worst,
so I walked away.

It was a 93 degree day,
and I was making a pizza.
First mistake.
I put the doughy, cheesy goodness into the oven
but forgot to set the timer.
Second mistake.

"Talking about it will make you feel better."
That was true,
except for the whole
"scaring people away"
thing.

We fought over everything.
Who would walk to the dog,
where we would go out for dinner,
who left the toilet paper holder empty.
It ended with me walking the dog,
and you picking the restaurant,
but I refused to take responsibility
for you not putting on a new roll.

My cat was a strange one.
He runs around the house,
chasing nothing.
He tries to eat his tail,
and he even ran into a wall once.
He might have brain damage,
but I guess we'll never know.

Watching trash tv made my life better.
"How?!" you might ask.
Well, I'm not 16 & Pregnant,
I don't have any Sister Wives,
I'm not going to have a Big, Fat, Gypsy Wedding,
and I won't be on Maury, middle fingers up, screaming,
"YA'LL DON'T KNOW MEEEEEEHHHH!"
I don't think, at least.

I hadn't really been outside in days.
I hadn't gotten on my treadmill in weeks.
I hadn't read the newspaper in months.
But I got a tiny bit of rain on me while getting the mail,
I chased my cat around the house,
and I was on Facebook the majority of the time.
They call it a news feed for a reason, you know.

Watching CSI, Criminal Minds, and Law and Order
REALLY came in handy.
I could kill someone,
clean up the crime scene,
evade the FBI,
and get off with an insanity defense.
But television and real life are really different.
No one will ever understand how mad I was
when I found out that Jack McCoy WASN'T the DA.