Music?!

Hey guys! Not much to report here, other than the fact that one of my closest friends set up her youtube account! She's a singer, and you should totally check out this song, consider the fact that yours truly wrote it! :D!

That's right! I wrote the lyrics to this song! :D!

My secrets post

If you guys haven't seen my secrets post, I encourage you to take a look at it. I will link it at the end. The secrets you all have been telling are wonderful, because even though they have been deep, dark secrets, they are wonderful in the way that you are all finally letting them out. I hope that by writing them here, and taking the first step, you will all find the courage to tell someone in your lives about them. With the deepest sincerity, I know what it's like to harbor a deep secret. To want to take it to your grave. But I also know, from experience, what a ginormous relief it is to finally tell someone. I thought that no one would understand when I told them about what happened when I was a child, but after telling my mom, my therapist, and now being able to talk about it with some hope that I will one day be able to not let it effect my life, I know that it will be okay. I still have some terrible memories, but I am able to stand up against those memories and tell them, "That's in the past. I am not that girl anymore. I am not weak." Sounds like something a therapist would make you say, right? True, it was, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hold meaning. 

Take this opportunity to get  your mind working, to get your secret out, anonymously or not.

http://babybundyyy.blogspot.com/2011/01/secrets.html

it's really something

When you hear a song, and even though it may have nothing to do with him, the lyrics remind you of your time together.

I miss you.

Secrets

I would like to take this post and dedicate it to everyone who has harbored a secret. It could be something so simple, but means so much to you. It could be heart breaking, earth shattering, and rips you apart inside. It could be anything in between those two points. I thought I would start something. Something that may not be easy, but I thought I would give you all a chance to confess your secrets, anonymously. Now, here's how it works. All you have to do is comment on this post with your secret, and if you would like to stay anonymous, just click the profile to "anonymous." I decided I will tell you all sort of a secret, something that I have thought about for a very long time. So, here goes my secret..

"I often wonder.. what would have happened between us, if I hadn't of been a bitch? What would have happened between us, if you hadn't of been an asshole? Would we have worked? Would we have fallen into the dirt? I kick myself everyday for not giving it one last chance. My only regret is not what you would think it would be. It was not what happened between us that night. My only regret is always finding an excuse to not get close to you. That remains my biggest, and only regret, because I don't have the courage to tell you that you still have a place in my heart. You always will."

Phew.. I feel better to be honest. I have wanted to say that so many times. The people closest to me know who it's about, and that's all that really matters. 

Your secret can be short, it can be long, it can be anywhere in between. I'm giving you all a chance to rid yourselves of the things that hold you back, the things that make you cringe, or the things that make you so happy you just need to tell someone. This is your chance.

Valentines Day.. part two

I guess Valentines day has always gotten me down. When I was in elementary school, when everyone else got 25 cards from everyone in the class, I got about three. From my friends. That was it. In my teenage years, I thought things would change. I thought, "Oh maybe this year I'll have a Valentine!" or, "Maybe this year someone will care enough to take me out, or to send me something cute." Nope. Never happened. The first and only time I've ever had a Valentine, was last year. And that was because I was dating him for a whopping two weeks, which happened to fall onto Valentines day. So... what am I asking for here? Nothing, really, just someone to show they care. Which never seems to happen, even on a normal day. I don't understand why it's such a hard thing for people to care about me. Why people can't take a little time out of their day to make it obvious that they want me in their lives. Honestly, I don't hear it enough to believe that it's true.

Just so you guys can get to know me a bit more

Hello there!

I decided to do a bit of a rushed 30 day challenge. I've tried the "answer one question once a day" thing, I think I got to like day 13 before I forgot about it! Haha. So here is all 30 days in one post. This is just so you all can get to know me a bit better, and I will start by telling you a bit about myself!

My name is Alexa, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. I'm nineteen years old, and my birthday is September 5th. I have one tattoo, my nose is pierced on the left side and I pretty much always wear a ring in it (not a stud!) I love to organize. Love love love it. Have I made it clear that I love it? Haha. I am currently going to community college to get my high school diploma, I will be graduating in March! (Just under two years after I was supposed to..) I love to decorate. I love fashion. I love Ted Bundy, but not in a "if he was still alive I would marry him" kind of way. I will pick even numbers over odd numbers any day. And I love "more than once" even numbers. Like, 22, or 244, or 648. I'm weird. I'm extremely awkward in person. Most of all though, I'm just looking for my own piece of mind. 

Okay guys, now for the questions!

A genie granted you three wishes, what will your three wishes be? And why?

I would wish for a nice house for my mom that is paid off, because she shouldn't have to worry about how she's going to pay for her next month's rent. I would also wish for a Canon 5D camera, because hey, I just want one! And I would wish for all the displaced people in Uganda to have homes, because those people have some of the strongest souls I have ever seen.

If you had to spend a day not using any technology, what would you do?
Hmmm.. probably knit and do some general crafting. No sewing, because that involves technology.

What story does your family always tell about you?

Probably the two most famous ones of my youth. The first is when I was about three, I was "dancing" around on the toilet seat, while my mom brushed her teeth. I kept saying "Look at the pretty butterfly!" but when my mom wouldn't look, I stopped, stared at her, and in a really scary voice said "LOOK AT THE PRETTY BUTTERFLY!" My mom definitely looked that time! The second is when I was probably four, my mom would always ask if we wanted our hot dog buns warmed up in the microwave. Well one day I was doing something that I wasn't supposed to do, so my dad said "Stop it or I'll warm your buns" (meaning he would spank me) so I stopped what I was doing and simply said "in the microwave?" BAAAH hahah. I don't remember these stories, but my mom has told them to me so many times!

 
What was your favorite sitcom growing up?
BOY MEETS WORLD. HANDS DOWN.

Super powers you wish you had?
I wish I had the power to read minds, but only when I wanted to.

What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

The most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me? Hmmm... probably peeing my pants in kindergarten in front of everyone. THAT was pretty "red face" worthy.

What is the best and worst thing about being your age?

Best thing? I'm legally able to do almost anything. Worst thing? People still see me as a teenager, even though I'm legally an adult.

Are you a giver or a taker?

I'd like to think that I"m a giver, I always put people before myself and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble!

Do you prefer hugs or kisses?

Hugs if the person doesn't do that one armed sideways hugging crap!

What is one of your favorite quotes?

"I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it" - Jack Dawson, Titanic.

OH COME ONNNN did you honestly think I wasn't going to pick a quote from Titanic? Hahah

What is your idea of a romantic date?

My idea of a romantic date is all the cheesy stuff! Dinner, movie, mini golf, stuff like that! Haha

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Uganda. End of story. 

When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?

Not too long ago, actually. I'm really open about my feelings with people, and 99% of the time, that backfires on me. Oh, and I just texted him and said "If it isn't already obvious, I have a crush on you.. >__<"

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?My family. I will give up on friends, because friends come and go, but I will not give up on my family.

If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?I don't really like thinking about these kinds of things, but I would just spend it shopping or something with the people closest to me.

If you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous or not famous, living or dead, real or fictional. with whom would it be?Whoever Jake Gyllenhaal is sleeping with right now. HAHAHAH.

If you were another person would you be friends with you?I really don't know to be honest. This is a pretty hard question to answer.

Are you happy with your life for the most part right now?About 60% of it.

What did you want to be when you were a kid?For the longest time I wanted to go to Harvard Law, become a lawyer, then become the first female president.

You won 1 million dollars on a game show, what will you do with it?Buy my mom a house, pay off her debts, then buy myself a reallllllly nice camera.

When was the last time you lied and to whom and why?Last night, I told someone I was okay, when I wasn't.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever given/received?This is going to sound SUPER cheesy, but the best gift I've ever received was a second chance at life.

If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what?Authentic BBQ Ruffles. Hahaha.

If you met the president, what will you tell him?Honestly? I would talk about everything that isn't political. Someone like the president must get so tired of hearing political stuff! I mean come on, politicians eat, sleep, and breathe in politics. I think it would be refreshing for the president to just talk about his day, his family, his childhood, whatever.

Are you the type of person with lots of friends or just a few close ones?

A few close ones.

Who is one friend from your past you want to reconnect with?I've reconnecting with him recently.

Do you prefer to travel alone, with your family or friends?Friends!

If you could invite any three people to dinner, who would it be?Ted Bundy, Jake Gyllenhaal, annnnd an Invisible Child from Uganda. (I've already met a boy from Uganda who was displaced, but I would love to meet some more children who have more strength and courage than I could ever image.)

What would you do if you were the last person on this earth?I would go and get EVERYTHING I possibly could from stores. Hahah. Like clothes, movies, food, you name it!

Will you ever go to your 10 year high school reunion?No, I won't, because since I never graduated with my class, I don't think I can even go. Or will even be invited. I wasn't even included in my senior yearbook.

Ah I love it!

Today I've been a busy bee with getting our house in order! I cleaned up most of the clutter around the house, and put together a list of what to do in order to prep our house for sale. That's right! My dad wants to move, and I do too (considering I grew up in this house from the time I was six months old until I was fourteen.. then my dad moved in after we moved out, and then I moved back when I was 18!) so we have been trying to figure out what to do the house so it will be nice for a new owner! I came up with some AWESOME ideas, and I can't wait to present them to my dad! HGTV has definitely helped me figure some stuff out hahah. Oh dear, how I loveeeee house decorating, and redoing.. and all the other stuff that comes along with it!

Conversation with Allison

This is what I just told my friend Allison on fb chat:

meeeooooowwww

that's what my cat just said

I think he was saying "HI ALLISON"

*two minutes later*

my cat hates you now because you aren't replying. he just said moooooooooooooow.. that means, "Allison you suck at life"

see even my cat says so!

 

hahaha oh god WHY AM I SO WEIRD

There's a giveaway over at Green Grass and Black Clouds!

Hey everyone! There's a giveaway going on for a REALLY cute necklace,
click here to see the giveaway! Even enter if you want to!
:D!

Book List for 2011!

Our City Lights posted about the books she wants to read in 2011, and I thought it would be an awesome idea to post the same! So here is my list of books I want to read this year!

• Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey - Started
  I've already read A Million Little Pieces, and My Friend Leonard. I love his style of writing and event though this book isn't a "memoir" I still think it will be a good book.
• Crank by Ellen Hopkins - Started
  I got this book from my friend as a late Christmas present, and I dove into it the second I got on the ferry home. It's an awesome book so far, and I can't wait to see what happens!
• A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
  Of course I've seen the movie, but I want to read the book. That's one of my biggest pet peeves! When people are like "This is the best movie ever!" "Have you read the book though?" "Ew no, those are so boring" (like with Harry Potter, I know so many people who refuse to read the books, but watch the movies no problem.)
• Girl, Interrupted by Susana Kaysen
  Again, of course I've seen the movie, and this book has been sitting on my shelf for a few years, but I've never had the impulse to pick it up and read it. Well, this year I'm going to!
• Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman - Started
  I started this about a year and a half ago, and I put it down for some very odd reason, and haven't picked it back up! This year I will pick it up again!
• The Neverending Story by Michael Ende
  My FAVORITE childhood movie! And before Miss Diana over at Our City Lights posted about wanting to read it, I didn't even know they had a book that was easily accessible! I always thought that it was hard to find, since when I was little they never had it in the bookstores! Well, I'm insisting on buying it and reading it!

Well there you have it guys! My list of books to read this year! Any books you love that you think I should read? If so, leave the name of the book in a comment to this post! If you know the author, please include that too, but if not, I'm sure I'll be able to find it! Take care everyone!

Parrrrttttyyyy!

Me, Ashley, Carlos, Nick and then Alex is in the middle :b

Last night was a lot of fun! This was just one of the many pictures Ashley and I took. There was Kinect and movies, cake, Nerf gun fights, and so much more. Oh and watching the youtube video "How NOT to kiss" hahahah. Oh dear. I hope to hang out with Ashley and these guys again, man it was so fun! haha. I hope you all had a nice night last night. I sure did!

Please be okay..

I cannot discuss what is going on.
All I can say is that I hope to god he is okay.
He was there for me through my time in hell,
I just want to be there for him while he's going through hell..

Please,
whoever is watching over him,
please make sure he's okay..

Let's make this completely and totally clear

I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT.


Thank you for reading.

Maybe

Maybe I'm a loner,

maybe I'm destined to be alone forever.

I might have been in love once,

and maybe he never loved me back.

Maybe I love music,

I might love to sing when no one is around,

and maybe my iPod battery depletes within a day.

Maybe I watch too many episodes of "Days of our Lives",

and maybe I like horror movies too much for my own good.

I might have scars,

but maybe I have more on my soul,

and maybe I don't really care anymore.

Maybe no one has looked into my eyes and said how much they care,

and that might eat away at me a bit.

Maybe the look on your face means more than I thought,

and maybe that means it will be okay.

Maybe I'm not the best friend in the world,

but maybe I try anyways.

The only one that really understands me might be my cat,

and maybe I take his understanding for granted.

I might be sad sometimes,

but maybe I have my happy days too.

Maybe nothing really makes sense,

but maybe that's okay... sometimes, at least.

Maybe the world is crashing down around me,

but maybe that means that there's a new beginning ahead.

Maybe I have nothing to give,

or maybe I have everything to give,

but maybe you'll never know.

I might be shaking from nerves,

maybe the tears in my eyes burn,

maybe my reflection isn't what it was,

but maybe, just maybe, it's all worth it.

Ashley's Birthday Party!

Today is my best friend Ashley's birthday party! :D I'm so excited! Her and her boyfriend are combining parties, which should be pretty cool! I really hope she likes her present! :D haha. Oh, and Ashley, I'm bringing my camera so together we should get a ton of awesome pictures! (:

Honestly?

Honestly, I'm getting extremely sick of little girls and pretending they have depression, anxiety, insomnia, bipolar, WHATEVER and everything that goes along with them. Yes, it is possible for young people to suffer from such things, I'm one of the ones that did suffer with extreme emotional disorders at a young age. BUT I also pretty much went through extreme hell as a young child. Now, I don't know the personal details of every single person's life, but posting on tumblr about how much you "self injure" and how "depressed you are" or "how bad your anxiety" is just plain bullshit. I'm sorry, but if you really suffered from those things, you wouldn't be flaunting it. Saying something like "I'm so depressed right now, I could just kill myself. Seriously guys, I need help" IS FOR ATTENTION. But, posting a story, or an in depth account of something that happened.. well, that could go either way of being sincere or just for attention. People have claimed that I have done things in my past for "attention." Like going on meds. Seeing a therapist. And so many other things. Okay guys, let's break this down. Would I REALLY make my parents pay up the butt costs for those things if I was doing it for attention? Would I actually take the meds, go to therapy, if I didn't need to? Anyone who things I would do that for attention is ignorant. Also, if you know the person in real life, and they do have these disorders, that's totally fine, I'm not talking about those people. What I'm talking about is the little kids (we're talking under the age of 15) who are constantly saying they hurt themselves, they suffer from extreme anxiety, paranoia, depression, whatever it may be, yet when they are around other people they are just as happy as can be, THOSE are the people that have the problem. I'm sorry, hun, but I know from experience, you can't just switch it on and off. Not even bipolar works that way, you cannot control your mood swings. You can't wake up and say "today I'm going to be depressed." It doesn't work that way. 

/rant.

My House

I'm not sure if you guys believe in hauntings or the supernatural, but I do.
And I now know by a million percent that my house is haunted.
AS IF I had any doubts, which I didn't,
I was vacuuming the house today and I kept hearing hurried footsteps around my house.
Now, my cat was under my bed, which I know for a fact because I checked before I started vacuuming
AND after.
I also heard a giant thump in our back room, the one we keep closed off because we never use it.
(My sewing and craft stuff is in there.. DEFINITELY not going back in there for a while...)
And lastly,
I saw something.
NOW!
I have never been a skeptic of these things,
but still, I have never actually seen something.
Until today.
I turned my head while vacuuming the hallway, and I saw, about ten seconds after I turned my head,
something, a gray-ish colored something, fly from above my dad's bed into the wall.
I cannot explain what I saw.
I don't really want to explain what I saw.
All I know is there is no marks on the wall,
I checked for bugs, even thought what I saw was about the size of a crow,
and there was nothing.
No birds either, I checked for those, too.
All I can say, is that I am SERIOUSLY freaked out right now.

heheheh! YAYYY!

I talked to a boy today (:
I've been wanting to talk to him for about two weeks now..
and I finally got up the courage to talk to him today!
I was shaking SO bad though D:
Like, I felt like my legs were going to collapse!
But I did it anyways!

YAAAY! :D haha

Hahahah

So, my ex boyfriend and I were friends on facebook.. keyword; were.
We were talking over the weekend about hanging out and stuff,
just since we haven't seen each other in like two years.
WELL. He has a girlfriend, and I would bet you A MILLION bucks,
she found out and either a) made him delete me
or b) she logged on as him and deleted me.

hahahahah.
seriously, made me laugh.

This is quite a funny process. I spill my guts, my heart, my soul, to complete strangers. Well, most of you are least. My heart is intertwined with the inner workings of my brain, and together they give me this; a mumbled, jumbled, messed up girl's point of view. I truly wish that things were not the way they were. I have honestly never had anything to look forward to. Everything is day to day. "How will she feel today?" "How will she react this time?" "Will she be okay this evening?" Is all they ask. That's all anyone asks. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I also never claimed to be. Life, for me, is always the same thing. It's always the same goddamn thing. Not just my day to day routine, but weekly, monthly, hell even yearly routines. I've always wished in the past that I want someone to come and "save" me. That's not what I want anymore. No one can save me, and I've always said that no one can "fix" me. That's just bullshit if you think that's going to work. I really just wish that I had someone along for the ride of life. I wish that I wasn't so alone.

And I could get better
And I could give more
And I can be better than you've had before

Valentine's Day

Well, it's no surprise that I'm not excited for the crap holiday this year. I've "celebrated" Valentine's Day once. That was last year, because I had a boyfriend for a whole three weeks, and the "holiday" happened to land in between those three weeks. I will admit, the one time I've had a Valentine, I was more than happy and excited to give into the Hallmark Holiday. But eighteen out of nineteen years, I have been utterly depressed about February 14th. I really just want to do something fun, and with someone who actually cares about me. Not someone who feels bad that I'm always depressed about lovey-dovey holidays. I don't really know, it seems to always be this way. Me, being single, while pretty much all my friends have someone to be cutesy with. Oh well.

Oh my god!

I found THE most perfect present in the WORLD for my best friend's birthday!
I should be super excited, right?
Yeah except for the fact that I HAVE NO MONEY! D:

brb crying.

ERG! ):

Yippee!

My friend Darcy is on her way to my house! (:
We are going thrifting! (:
I have to find a birthday present for my best friend Ashley..
hmmmmm..

Twilight Zone

Tonight has been like something out of the Twilight Zone.
I feel like I just had a minor panic attack too..
great.
Honestly I wish I could just be a normal person.
Good god.
Let's get one thing straight too;
DO NOT SCREW WITH ME TONIGHT.

I'm not in the mood to be tossed around.

I'm going to watch the Miss America pageant.
Night.

Why do I always do thiiiis?

So, this guy messaged me on fb and wanted to get to know me, and for me to get to know him so that he could maybe take me out sometime. I feel like if we do go out, all the cameras will come out and he'll be like "WHAT NOWWW YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!" and I'll be like "dammit."

I always do this, because I'm not confident enough to think that someone might actually be interested in me. But! I still do find it pretty weird.. you know, how he just messaged me out of the blue because he works with someone that I used to know in middle school. 

GAHHHHH.

I need some advice, blogger friends!
What should I do? /:

Photography?

Hey everyone, I'm updating to see if you guys want to buy any prints on my photography!
Right now, I'm offering ANY photo (with the exception of portraits and self portraits) for sale.
Please visit my photography site at www.facebook.com/alexamariephotography
to see all my photos! The sizes offered are 4x6, 5x7 and 8x10
The prices for them are:
4x6 - $8
5x7 - $12
8x10 - $16

Please visit the following form site (from Google) to place your order!

https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dEtSMUJrWERHUmZBTU12UmN6TTllVlE6MQ

I really hope that you guys are interested in my work!

I hope everyone is enjoying their Friday! I definitely am!

Know

I know you feel lost, scared, conflicted, and confused. I know how much you want things to work out with her. I know you just want to quit. I know this, because I was there at one time. I was there, wishing and praying and hoping that my insides would just explode so I wouldn't have to deal anymore. I know that's what you are thinking. But I also know that things do get better, and that's not just a line I'm feeding you. I know that although the going may be extremely tough right now, it will work out, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will get out of this "funk". I know, because I'm the living proof. A little over two years ago, I tried to stop it. I tried to stop everything. I gave up, but I turned that around because I am not the kind of girl to let something take a hold of me. That's what my disorders and life did. They consumed me. With some, okay, a lot of help, I was able to get back on track. It wasn't easy, but I had the will power to do it. That's what you need. The drive. For some people it's their family. For others it's their friends. For some it's art, and for some it's music. Find what helps you. Find what keeps you going. It may take a little bit, but if you give up now you will be missing out on everything. You will be missing out on graduating from  high school, college, medical school, or whatever you decide to do. You will be missing out on getting married, starting a family, watching your family grow, and do all the things that you are thinking about giving up. Please, don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. Know that you are liked and loved and adored and cherished by so many people. Even if you don't think so, you really are. Just know.

Coffee!

Today I'm getting together with Miss Alexandra from Young Missus for coffee! We've hung out a few times, and I just love talking to her! If you aren't following her already, you definitely should, she's a wonderful writer! I'm quite excited for our little coffee get-together. Well, I better go get my shoes on, later bloggers!

Note to self

Next time, don't be such an idiot.
WHY can't I get that through my head.

Empty Bedsheets

This morning I woke up, and instead of excited for the snow and no class, I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about you, thinking about our recent conversations.. everything. Everything wonderful about you. When I got out of bed, I looked back down at it, and I thought about  how empty it looked. Not just without my presence, but with out yours as well. These past few weeks of us talking is making me happier than ever, and I know that you are someone that I just cannot wait to meet. I just have this terrible feeling though, that all of this isn't going to turn out the way I want it to. It never really does, so I don't know why this time would be any different. You could say that I get ahead of myself.. a lot. That would be true. And the last thing I want to do is scare you away, but I'm not one to keep my feelings hidden. I wear my feelings like a "kick me" sign on my back. I know we aren't in the ideal situation, to say the least. I guess I just wish things could work..

You are so far, yet so close

Distance wise, you are so far from me. Emotionally, mentally, we are so close. Although we have "known" each other for quite some time, thanks to the internet and our keyboards, we have only started deeply talking in the last few weeks. I hope you do come to Seattle this summer.. that would honestly be just amazing. I would love to show you all the awesome things about Seattle. Pike Place, the ferries, the little coffee shops. It would be so fun. I love talking to you, I feel this weird connection.. or is it an awkward connection? hehe. I told myself not to get into this again, that I should like someone that I've never met.. given what happened last time.. but I can't help it. You can't chose who you like. It just..  happens.

Update

There's lots of snow here in the Seattle area this morning.. my college canceled classes until 11am, then I'm assuming they will see how bad is it in order to cancel afternoon classes! haha. I kind of hope my afternoon class isss canceled.. my professor was saying she might cancel it anyways because she was sick on Monday, so I'm hoping she just cancels it! haha :b

My dad and I used to always go to the daddy daughter dance each year.. well, a few years back we stopped going for a big reason, a reason I will not discuss. Well, it was brought back onto the table this year, and I think I will go. Although I would rather be taken out by someone other than my father, it would be nice to spend some time with him.

Now I just need to find a dress..

If you guys have any links to dresses that are INEXPENSIVE (we're talking like, under 30 bucks)

please send them my way in a comment!

Thank you (:

EEP!

I have a lotttt to be excited about right now.
Let's hope this all works out..


Summer plans = YESSSSSSS :D!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

COFFEE. ON SUNDAY.
OH MY GOD.

Holy crap.

I am getting REALLY damn sick of this little game my family is playing. It doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, the fact is, their doing it. I will no longer take their crap. They want to be rude to me? FINE I'll just ignore you for the rest of our lives if that's how you want to do it. DO NOT blatantly disrespect me and then go and be buddy buddy with someone else in our family. THANKS GUYS.

/rant.

New Name, New Look.. AGAIN

Haha I bet you guys are getting sick of me reinventing my blog so much! :b
Well here, I now introduce to you, "Autumn and the Make Believe"
(:

My blog content will always, always, always stay the same, but I just get sick of the same ol' same ol' haha :b

Four Years

Today is the day. It's been four years. I'm not really sure what to say.. other than the fact that I've had a knot in my stomach and a pounding yet since yesterday, all since it hit me what today is. I will keep my head held high today. I will not let him win. The only saving grace for me today is that he is no where near where I live, so I won't see him. At least, I won't actually see him. The scene has been playing in my mind is going over and over already. It has been since yesterday. I don't know why I do this to myself. It was four year years ago, after all. I don't even know what to say. The fact that it was the second time that someone violated me and my body, hell, even my sanity.. well, the fact that it happened just has tears rolling down my face. I wasn't the perfect person four years ago. Nor did I claim to be. But even a girl that had some, okay, a lot of problems, shouldn't be treated differently than the rest. Not in this case at least. What he did to me was not moral, it was not kind, and it was not even legal. Although my choice not to say anything, again, may seem like I'm letting him win, it's not. Just because I have too much of a heart to send someone to rot for a portion of his life, doesn't mean I'm letting him win. Think about what I would have to go through. Sitting through court, getting crucified by lawyers, having to relive, out loud, everything that happened on January 10th 2007. If it really does snow today, I won't be happy like all of you. Because exactly four years ago, it snowed also. That is one of the millions of things that I remember about that day. I think a call to my therapist is going to be due today..

Well then!

In case you guys didn't know, I'm a bit obsessed with weddings. Like, more so than the average nineteen year old! Today my best friend is going to the Wedding Expo! I'M SO JEALOUS! hahaha. Looking at wedding stuff online has gotten old, I need fresh ideas! :b Well then, Ashley! I hope you have a great time today! (: You'll have to tell me about all the awesome things you see! :D!

 

This feeling I'm having is one that is not welcomed. It seems as if every time this happens, my heart pounds, my head goes light and my vision becomes unclear. What am I supposed to make of this? What am I supposed to do to make it stop? People say that every thing you feel, is for a reason. What if it's just a test? A test to see how well you make it through the haze. I will tell you now I do not like it, I do not like this test one bit. I feel as if no matter how hard I try to make it through, a piece of me will always be left behind, and not in a good way. My teary eyes and barely-beating heart should be enough of a sign for you to know that this is not working. I have tried, again and again to help you understand. To help you see that this is not what is supposed to happen. How long until I break again? How long before the shadows overtake me and drag me to oblivion? This is not what I want to happen, but I know if I stay where I am, it will take it's course. I do not know how to get away from where I am, I do not know how to make myself feel right. This life so far has been more for me to handle than some people will ever have to deal with. But I'm here. I don't know for how long for I cannot see the future, but I am here. Now I just don't know how to take the next step. It is not an easy answer, I know that, but it seems that after literal years of searching, it would be a little easier than this. Maybe my existence is nothing to anyone, maybe I'm just here as a test. Not my feelings, but my entire being. I guess I will never know.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I get to spend some time with my Aunt Mary Magenta! (We call her that because there's two Aunt Mary's on that side of the family haha.) Anyways, we are hopefullyyy going to Pike Place! I haven't been there in almost two years, so I'm super excited! :D!

Just to update you all, my classes are going well, I've met a few people, and I'm LOVING my photography class! It's so awesome, and my teacher is a hoot! (yes I just said "hoot"!)

I hope all of you are off to a good start of the new year!

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Snail Mail?

Hello all! I'm still looking for some awesome Snail Mail buddies! If you are interested in sending REAL letters back and forth, please email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com! I look forward to hearing from you guys! (:

College!

ARRRGGGG! My second and last quarter of college starts in less than an hour! CRAPPPP. I'm super anxious, I have a knot the size of a cat in my stomach (this would be a large cat, not a kitten) and I'm not even sure where exactly my classes are! BUUHHHH! This is not good! Hmph. I'm going to head out soon though so I can figure out where my first class is.. I printed out a map of the school (I know, soooo nerdy) so I can find my way. lasfljasdflkjsdlfkj!

If anyone else is starting classes today, GOOD LUCK!

Portfolio Review

I'm currently working on my portfolio for a critique at a college here in Seattle. I'm anxious to say the least. I have less than a week to pick the rest of my photos, get them printed at the store and figure out what to name them. This may not seem like much, but tomorrow starts my first week back at the college I'm at now, and I will be busy with that while trying to get everything else done! Oh dearrr! Well, I'm actually kind of excited to start back at school, because I'm taking my first photography class, and I'm hoping to meet some friends with the same interests at me, and possibly a photography loving nerdy boy! :D hahahahahah. Anyways, I need to get back to my portfolio. Take care guys!

Today

Today is a new year, a new start, a new beginning. I plan on making this year a very good one, as for the last few years have been "short stick" years. I hope that I have friends by my side, and someone in my heart, for at least the majority of the year. I don't think it really matters what I do this year, I'm living for myself, and I'm going to make this year damn good. I'm starting new projects, I'm going to start taking care of myself better, and I'm going to start living in the moment. I hope you all had a wonderful start to the new year, and I hope to see my follower count reach 100 this year ;D hehe

Here's to you, 2011!

It's 2011!

Weeeeiiiirrrrddd.

Let's make this year a good one! (: