The Song That Never Ends

Have you ever listened to a song, and never wanted it to end?
Most likely because it reminds you of someone you don't want to forget.
I want that song to end. NOW.
I cannot believe what you did.
How you never told anyone about us.
How you never wanted me to tell anyone.
Well I've learned my lesson about keeping my mouth shut,
and it fucked me over for ten years.
So just to piss you off, so EVERYONE knows,
JAMIE RYAN GRITSCH,
YOU USED ME AND TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME I NEVER REALLY HAD AND WILL NEVER GET BACK.
I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL.



choke on that one bitch.

:|

P.
I look at your face and wonder if you're thinking the same thing that I am thinking. That this is just a dream, I'll wake up in a few hours and wish to myself that it was all real. But for now we can pretend it is real, and that every kiss, every touch, every feeling, will last until the morning. Oh god I love the way you look at me. It's that "I want you right here, right now, no matter what" kind of look. And I only get it from you. Probably because you're the only one that cares, that I'm the only one that ever really mattered. I miss the old days, when we would hang out every night, or every weekend, and just.. be together. I miss the days when we sat in your tent talking, about anything and everything. I miss you.

P2.
I wondered how we got so far, with me being so in love with you and you not giving a damn. But yet you're my best friend. How does that work out? Yes, yes, I know you care about me, but seriously? You have a shit way of showing it. I don't want to be mean here, I just want to tell the truth and I know you're the one person that will read this. I'm nothing without you. I'm a rock when you're around, I'm stable and secure. Without you I'm jelly, I can't sit still and I fall apart so easily. Our relationship is a complicated one, and you weave in and out of my life faster than a race car. Stay in one place, never let me go. No matter who you're dating, who you want to date, or who you aren't dating. Just never let me go.

K.
"I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you," again, that is. You're the only one that understands me, that knows what it feels like to be the last one standing. I miss the days when we talked everyday, all the time. Everything in this world is chaotic, but you keep me stable, just like the one above you. I'm sorry for scaring you the way I did two Sundays ago, I didn't mean to.. I just couldn't.. go on. But I'm back with a new attitude and I know that you are here for me. No matter what, anytime, any day. Please don't ever go anywhere. I need you.

B.
Wow. What do I have to say to you? Well, I'm falling for you faster and faster each time we talk. I'm your baby girl and you're my baby boy and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. I've missed you over the last year, and I'm putting my trust in you that you have matured, because we all know what happened the last time we hung out. I know if I fall you will catch me, I know if i need someone to check in with once in a while you will always be there. You'll always be there..

in the end

In the end it doesn't really matter does it? The people we've dated, the sex we've had, the dates we went on. With the exception of your firsts for all of those, it really doesn't matter. So why do I care so much about boyfriends and girlfriends? I'm not asking you to "fill my cup" as the staff at Fairfax would say. I'm just looking for someone with similar interests and someone to share time with. That's it. I have a few people in mind of who I'd like to be "it" but they are all uninterested. The thought of being single so much drives me insane. See here's the thing, I want YOU to want me. I want you to forget our past and just think of how we could both be happy here and now. My heart has been broken too many times for me to want this, I know that, but I'm willing to do anything to get 1 out of these 4 people to fall in love with me. I'm tired of being the one that has to do all the work. I've worked through the breakups, the heartbreaks, everything. I've worked at falling in love with each and every one of you, and now I need someone to help me untwist the story of my life.


and the funny thing is, through out this whole thing,
i JUST NOW thought of Tieler.

Paddy, Pablo, Kimmie and Bobby,

think about it.

):

come on kid, don't do this to me again.
i know, i know,
i said i would be okay with it.
but you have no idea how much it hurts to see that 'in a relationship' thing over and over again.
and for me to never be the reason behind it.
i can't even type right now
i'm crying too hard.



please remember
all the things i never got a chance to say

Fairfax

Well, for about the last week I've been at the inpatient psychiatric ward at Fairfax Hospital. It was scary as fuck. After my OD I've learned a lot. I've learned how to identify my feelings and cope with them in positive ways. I won't be at school until sometime next week though, I'm doing an outpatient program there.

and as spencer would say (after he was done singing rich girl by hall and oats)
STRAIGHT OUTTA FAIRFAXXXXXXXX

i love you

STILL

OD

so yesterday at about 11:30 in the morning i got REALLY depressed, for reasons i don't even know. so i took a big glass of water, and my bottle full of clonazepam and took about 55 pills. i immediately went to my mom (who was in the shower at the time) and was bawling, she told me to stick my finger down my throat to throw up the pills which i did, at least a few of them, my mom called 911 and they sent over paramedics and they were shining lights in my eyes and asking me weird questions and gave me an oxygen thing up my nose and then they walked me out to the ambulance and i was laying on the stretcher and they put in IV in my arm but it wouldn't take so they had to stick it in my hand once i got into the hospital and i was there for about 9 hours, with social workers asking questions and them doing all these tests it was horrible.
now i'm all loopy, my short term memory is like gone, and i can barely walk straight

My Dream

Throughout my lifetime I've had two dreams, become a professional photographer or a professional model.I've already accomplished the modeling, well at least sort of. I was signed to an agency for a few months last year, but it all fell apart when I had to go to the hospital. I want to get back everything I lost and loved when I crashed last year. Everything I had ever wanted came true last year, and then this year when I got a new camera. Everything seemed like it was falling back into place but it isn't. There are some things that I will just never get back. I've dug my teeth into the ground too far this time, and I'm not sure if I can get out of it. How do I go back to that gorgeously happy girl that I used to be, the one that all the agents loved? My life is so confusing... I can't keep anything straight and I don't even want to live it anymore. Maybe I should just forget that I ever wanted to be a famous model/photographer.

Busy Busy Busy

Don't leave me alone in this horrible city. I need someone to take my hand, show me the way to freedom. Freedom from my mind, my heart, my body. This city, is everything I've ever wanted. But I can't do this alone. Metaphoric Philosophies, everything is becoming so unclear. I'll wait forever if I have to, but forever will never come. So what I'm trying to say is that I will wait until the day I die. That may be tomorrow, that may be in a year. I want you to save me. I want you to be the one to show me the better side of life, the side that I am missing extremely bad. I'm waiting for an apology from a madman. Someone who ruined my life. Not as much as someone else, but still ruined my life all the same. So maybe I should step aside, stay out of your way, and let you go on with what you're doing. Because that apology? yeah, I know it will never come. I just want to float up to this city. Float up and forget everything that has happened in my life, the good and the bad, because what comes with good is bad. Watching me fall was never what I wanted you to do, but somehow, just somehow, I know it's going to happen... again. You've seen me fall so many times. Why haven't you caught me yet? Nothing is stopping me, so what's stopping you? Exactly, I mean. What is the pin point of what's stopping you? I don't want the vague answer.


"Cause nothing that I ever do, seems to have that much effect on you, you really think you could up and die and I would be alright, alright, but you know i would die, but you know i would die."

i can't

i can't do this anymore. my heart is shattered, my mind is out the window, my body is shaking and i havn't felt this way since before the hospital. i want to just forget everything. i can't concentrate on anything. i can't think straight. nothing is right. i want the ringing in my ears to stop. i want the voices to stop. i want nothing to do with any of you. i just want to be left alone with my box of bad stuff and curl up and die. nothing makes sense anymore. nothing at all. i feel like throwing up. i feeling like bleeding. i feel like punching a wall until my hand breaks. i want to just..die. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to remember the past, the present, and with the way things are going i don't want to see my future.

remember?

remember when you didn't lie to me? when we sat my the pool, talking about everything and anything, just being friends? now you tell me this.. bullshit and i'm supposed to be okay with it? i can't handle all of this. this is what drove me over the edge last time. i havn't cried as hard as i cried last night in so fucking long. and now i have to see you today and act like nothing happened. fuck that.

i think that possibly, maybe i'm falling for you