It Is

It's the way you kiss me on the top of my head. It's the words you say to me. It's the amazing way that we literally walk at exactly the same pace. It's the fact that you believe in me, no matter what I may be doing. It's the amazing butterflies I get when I see you, or even talk to you. It's how fast everything has happened, yet how much I trust it. It's the walks we take in the middle of the night, arms wrapped around each other. It's the way that we have intellectual conversations, something that most people I know can't do. It's the thought of how amazing it will be. It's the smile on your face when you catch me doing that little shiver thing. It's the fact that I don't care what anyone else has to say. It's the challenge that we will endure being a ferry ride apart. It's the way that you never judge me, even at my worst moments. It's the truth that we can speak to each other, without even having to open our mouths. It's the look in your eyes when you want to kiss me. It's the adrenaline rush I get when you flip me underneath you. It's the fact that I finally, for the first, feel like I can function around a person that I really like. It's the truth when I say that I'm not scared of you hurting me, because I truly don't see that happening. It's the littlest things you do that drive me completely wild. Mostly, it's the fact that we are together. Together with our minds, bodies and souls. I feel like this is the amazing start to something wonderful, and you better get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere.

Boyfrannn! Plus Folk Life!

Bloggers, meet Dillon! This is my boyfriend... and he's kind of awesome. Yesterday a bunch of us went to Folk Life! It's like a massive hippie fest in Seattle haha. We went with my friend Kimberly, her friend Taylor, plus Dillon's friend Willie. It was a lot of fun, BUT... I forgot my camera. OH MY GOD. I have never been so upset! And it really didn't help that I saw a bajillion and a half REALLY nice cameras while we were there, which just reminded me that I, in fact, did not have my baby camera. Anyways... It got pretty bad at some points with my anxiety, considering there's thousands of people at Seattle Center, so you get butt rubbed by random people and you're pretty much diving face first into a crowd of people (Which, if you didn't know, is HORRIBLE for me and my thought process for my anxiety) Overall it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow he might be driving me back to my dad's.. SAD.. but then we'd get to spend the whole day together! Then Saturday he said he would probably make a trip over there. Oh goodness! So he's going to the Boyce Family Campout with me! EEEEE! I'm so excited for this guys (: I think it's going to be a great summer...

Last Night

Well, last night was quite awesome if I do say so myself. Not only did I get to hang out with that cute boy I was telling you all about.. BUT.. he is now my boyfriend! AHH! You guys have no idea how excited I am for this. I really like him, and he really likes me, and there's this mutual thing where we don't have to say anything yet the silence is anything but awkward. He also compliments me on the weirdest things, hahah, which I find to be absolutely adorable. We went out to breakfast this morning and it was awesome. Tomorrow we are hitting up Folk Life, and I hope I get to see him bunches before I have to leave on Tuesday... OH CRAP! I didn't really think that I'd ever have to leave here.. Okay, Alexa, keep calm! There's facebook and the phone.. I'm not going to get ahead of myself either, I want this to last and I want to keep getting to know him. EEEEEPPP! I have a boyfriend.. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

I met someone!

I have news, my fellow bloggers! I have met someone. A guy, who happens to be pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. I won't go into too many details, as we are just getting to know each other, but I must say, I have been pretty happy with my life as a whole these last few days. I essentially watched the sun come up with him this morning, it was wonderful. We talked a ton and really went to a "deeper level" of understanding with each other. (Oh dear, I sound like an ad on television for some random book or something...) But it has been a very nice last few days. AND we're going to Folk Life on Sunday! So keep an eye out for photos of that! I'm trying to take all of this slow, and set boundaries for myself... But I am so hoping that everything works out the way I want it toooo! I really like this guy, which is quite awesome because he likes me.. dare I say, just as much?

Take care bloggers!

I will be updating again soon I'm sure.

Perfection is Nothing but an Illusion

I felt like crawling out of my own skin. The feeling that I had grown to know so well was back again. As familiar as it was, it still scared the shit out of me, and I wanted more than anything for it to go away. The scars that still line my arms are proof of what went on in the house of a body. The blade, at my fingertips. The tingling, in my arms. The sunlight was blocked by the shades on my window, but somehow I knew it was about 3:30 in the afternoon. The closet was taped up and covered in blankets. This was my life. My mostly insane life. I was fifteen. I was nothing like I had imaged myself to be at that age. I knew that something was different in my head. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Not only was the blade calling out to me, as a friend and as an enemy, but the thoughts that circled through my brain. That not-so-lovely mush inside my head was all I had left, with an arm filled with cuts and scars. Almost as if  they were bodies, lined up in a row, casualties of war. I tried, so damn hard, to stop myself. To stop myself from the thoughts, from the actions, but that pesky mush inside my head had different ideas. I wanted to be perfect. My brain wanted me to fall. Fall so fast, so hard, that all that was left was my guts on the sidewalk. At the time, I wanted to succumb to the thoughts. Those nagging, terrible, scary thoughts. It took me quite a long time to realize that it wouldn't be worth it. As strong as the desire was to cease those nagging, terrible, scary thoughts, I knew that ceasing my thoughts would mean ceasing my life as well. I tried. Goddammit I tried. And in a way, I like to say that I succeeded. Not in an attempt to end it all, but I succeeded in overtaking my terrible thoughts with my sane thoughts. It took a long time. It took an attempt on my life. And although that seems like lifetimes ago, I know that it has just shaped me into who I am right now. This won't be who I am forever, so I'm going to take advantage that I have this "me" at least for a short time, if not longer. I know that perfection is unattainable, and looking back I know that my craving for perfection was unfounded. The truth is, perfection is nothing but an illusion. A beautiful mirage. I may have my moments, I may think about bad things, but I have made huge strides from where I was four years ago. Hell, even two years ago. I love that I'm awkward and shy. I love that I'm probably the most caring person you will ever meet. I love that I strong, oh god am I a strong person. I love that I will eat french fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner... and the snacks in between. I may not be perfect, but I'm perfectly happy with being me. And that's all I could have ever asked for.

Summer 2011 Playlist

Well, it's quite clear that Summer is rapidly approaching. So what does that mean? Besides the obvious tan lines and Kool Aid popsicles, it means summer music! Here are my picks for my summer playlist... Enjoy!

Birds and Stuff by The New Limb




Daylight by Matt and Kim




I Feel Weird by Steel Train




Energy by Apples In Stereo




Heartbroke by The Good Life




Hallelujah by The Helio Sequence

Well there you have it guys! Some of those songs are super old, but summer songs (to me) nonetheless! So I hope you enjoy and I hope you all have a kick ass start to your summer...!

Pinterest?

Any of you on Pinterest?
My profile link is here
so follow me (if you like my pins)
and I will follow you (if I like your pins)
:D

Summer

With summer quickly creeping up on us, I have come to the realization that I won't be doing much. I've already comes to terms with the fact that there's a 99% chance that I'm NOT going to the 20th annual Boyce Family Campout, which I have never missed a year of. Okay, so maybe I haven't come to terms with that. It just really upsets me because they changed the "rules" for paying for this year. The 20th anniversary.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to pay like $100 for myself. Let alone the fact that I was really hoping to bring someone with me this year. 

Anyways, where was I?

Oh right, summer plans. I really don't think I will be doing anything. My "friends" all seem to forget about the fact that I'm a human being with feelings. I can't work at this moment in time, I'm not taking any classes, and I can't do things by myself (due to my anxiety). So what to do? I want to go on epic adventures, go on a road trip, have a ton of fun, and just live my life. Something I can't say I've done in a good four years.

Oh, and I'd love to go garage sale hunting..

Awkward Moment When...

That awkward moment when everyone on tumblr thinks they are a "blogger". Sorry, but I can't cosider you a blogger if all you do is repost picures that you didn't even take.

(yes, I have a tumblr. but ask anyone and they will tell you I call my blogspot my "real blog")

I'm not saying everyone on tumblr is a "wannabe blogger" but I think it's safe to say most of them are.

Haha I'll probably get crap for this.
Yay for expressing opinions!

Anxiety; Such a Terrible Thing

Tonight I had an opportunity to go out with a "friend". I say "friend" because he's my dad's girlfriend's nephew, and we've only met a few times. Anyways. He invited me to go to Rock and Bowl with him and a few of his friends. I immediately said that I couldn't. I thought about it for a minute, after I declined, and I told him straight up that I don't do well around a lot of people. I say "a lot" loosely. I had no idea how many people would be there. But even the thought of two people scared me. It's these thoughts that I wish I could control. I mean, I did really well tonight, actually. I went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and Nana. We went to Red Robin and I sat with my back to the crowd, which I normally cannot do, due to the fact that I feel more judged when my back is to people. But I managed, even though RIGHT behind us was a huge prom group. (Since when do seniors in high school look like their in junior high?!) I feel like I'm taking a step backward with my anxiety. It's such a terrible thing. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to be scared to go in public. I don't want to be scared to have fun. Mostly though, I don't want to be scared to live my life.

Hey! You! Yeees, you!

I have a question that I need answered!

I'm planning on starting an Etsy shop with my knitted goodies!
My question is;

What knitted things would YOU like to see in my shop?

I'm kind of at a loss of what to stock my shop with!
So I'm enlisting the help of you guys...
PLEASE HELP!


Thank you in advance for any suggestions!

I just want someone to be my someone.

Spring Cleaning

It's definitely Spring time here in Washington! The sun is shining and the windows are open. I love this weather, but sadly I am still inside. I have been cleaning like mad today... spring cleaning for the win! I am just taking a break and then it's time to vacuum. I hate vacuuming! Oh well, it's all for the good of my house! I need to organize and declutter as well. How's the weather where you guys are? Any of you Spring Cleaning this weekend? Or even today for those of you at home?

America's Next Top Model

Oh goodness. Okay, so I guess I am trying out for America's Next Top Model for Cycle 18! They are having an open casting call near my city, and my friend and I decided that since we have both pursued modeling in the past, we should try out for this show. I'm really excited about it, but I definitely have to get in shape! I'm right in the middle of the  modeling world, I'm not a plus size and I'm not a "normal model size". So it's time to kick start eating healthy and working out, and getting into shape. It's kind of ironic that this opportunity came up when I saw the commercial for it during the Cycle 16 season finale last night. I was just telling people within the last few days that I am wanting to look into modeling again. Well, here's to good luck for the next month and a half with getting into shape! And of course good luck for the casting call! If I don't make it for this, I'm still going to look at agencies around here. This has been something I've wanted to do since I was a little kid, and although I lost hope for a while due to me gaining weight, I am still excited and determined!

My Next Step

Once again, I am at a standstill. I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm supposed to go. I have learned not to make such in depth plans when it comes to my life, but I can't just float around like nothing can hurt me. This is my life, and I only get once chance to be who I am right now. So why am I wasting the days away? I feel like now that I have graduated, I have nothing. There's no motivation. There's none of that "Go get 'em" attitude anymore. I guess, more than anything, I just want a specific path to follow. The thing is - I don't know what path that is. This always happens to me. I get like this and I don't know what to do. I literally don't have ONE single idea of what my next step will be. The world is rushing on without me, and I'm stuck on my couch on Pinterest, repinning things that have no effect on my current lifestyle. More than anything, I would love to just get up and go. Say "Screw this, I'm doing what I want to do today." I just lack the basic characteristics that a person needs in order to do that. So, what to do, what to do. I'm tired of wishing, but I have so many things that hold me back from doing. I don't even understand my anxiety and social phobia sometimes, so what makes other people (besides my therapist) think that they can decipher it? If I had one wish, one single, anything-in-the-world wish, it would be to be able to live my life freely. Without the reservations, without the scared and overly anxious thoughts. I just want to be able to get up off the couch, and do what I please. This world is too much for me. Just too damn much. It's a gorgeous day in Seattle today, and I'm in here, on the couch (of course) typing the day away. The thing that hurts me the most, is how much I'm missing out on. All the stories my friends have, the ones about parties and skinny dipping, late night McDonalds runs and the pictures to prove it... It pains me to know that in less than four months I will no longer be a teenager, and I have hardly any stories to tell from my "prime years". I can't even say I've had a crazy love affair (unless you count a month long relationship to be 'crazy') or fun nights that seemed to have lasted forever. I don't really have anything to show for the last five years. I'm just frustrated at where my life has gone. I mean, where I've come in those last five years? I've leaped over hurdles and ran marathons compared to where I could be. But the problem I have is that I'm just an almost-twenty year old who watches Days of our Lives and blogs too much. I never in a million years thought that is where I would be two years into my adulthood. I'm proud of myself for where I've come, don't get me wrong on that one, but with my physical life? I don't have much to show for it.

Picky Eating

My entire life, I have been a picky eater. Everyone, including myself, thought that I would "outgrow" this lifestyle, but I never did. It really bugs me, too,  because when I go to people's houses for dinner, I usually have to turn down their offer for food, because it makes me want to gag. I always feel so bad, and most of the time I just stay home because it's easier then explaining "I don't like the food you made" because most people take that offensively, rather then realizing that it's fully my problem. The two things that really get to me though, is first off, when you search for "picky eater diets" on google, you normally get things that no picky eater would eat. It really frustrated me, because as I am trying to make healthier choices, I can't get inspiration for meals because I don't eat 95% of the food they put into the "healthy eating for picky eaters category". Also, when people make it into a competition about what they eat. I tell people "I'm a picky eater. And by picky eater I mean 'the only fruit I eat is green apples without a peel'" Then people come back "well do you eat THIS" like it's some kind of game or something. I found this (click it) article, and I thought it was extremely interesting, so I thought I would share it. I am so frustrated with eating. It truly bugs me how I can't eat healthy. I don't eat veggies, yogurt, fruit (besides my beloved peel-less green apples), nuts, or pretty much anything else "healthy" that you can think of. It's starting to get to me, and I'm not sure what I can do about it!

Once again, here is the link to that article.

You

I wanted to scream at you. Scream crazy, nasty words. Anything to shut you up and get myself out of your life. Only words weren't enough. We weren't even enough for each other. Nothing would be enough. It would be this way for years to come. I think, in the end, it would end this way as well. 

I thought about what we might be, if things had worked out. Would we be the happy, wonderful couple that I had once hoped? It didn't take much thought before I came to the conclusion of the truth. No, we wouldn't. We wouldn't be anything but a mirage, a distance vision of what I thought would be.

Things would never be the same. We would never be the same. That was probably what hurt me the most. That we would both change directions right in the middle of all of it. We wouldn't meet again, on our life journeys, for over a year. I hope it's clear that I didn't think about him that much over that period of time, but I still cared.

I probably cared more then I should have. That was always my problem, wasn't it? I think that it was always you that I cared too much about, more so then anyone else. I never wanted to hurt you. I always hoped that you would say the same. But those words never came. Like I said, words weren't enough.

Everything would become hazy, after all those years. After every single thing we had been through together, we would walk away on purpose. Or would we? I had said so many times in the past that I wanted you out of my life. But was that true?

iPod Shuffle Survey! (I love these things..)

If you do one of these, please link me! I LOVE reading them! Haha
Plus they are a fun way to discover new music from other people!


IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY….?
Hearts On Parade (American Hi Fi)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Here Are The Problems (Good Old War)

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Better Part Of Me (House of Fools)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
You're Not Mine (The Morning Light)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
On Top Of The World (Boys Like Girls)

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Don't Wanna Lose You Now (Backstreet Boys)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Lunch For The Sky (Socratic)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Waiting (The Rocket Summer)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Ghost You'll Never Know (To Paint The Sky)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS?
Don't Want You Back (Backstreet Boys)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS

She's Well Aware (A Semester at Sea, though I think they renamed themselves..)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Favorite Girl (The Icarus Account)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Letdown Of The Year (Backseat Goodbye)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
So, In This Hour (The Rocket Summer)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Oh Darling (Plug In Stereo ft. Cady Groves)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
A Little Piece of Heaven (Avenged Sevenfold)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is (Show Me The Skyline)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Seventeen Ain't So Sweet (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
My Own Sinking Ship (Good Old War)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh (Bright Eyes)

Two Year Dinner and Weekend with Megan

Hey everyone! I thought I would share some pictures with you guys of my weekend, with my cousin Megan and my two year dinner celebration! It was a pretty fun weekend, and I can't wait to celebrate three years next year. Here you go guys! PICTUREEES!

My Dad and I! Funny face.. hahah

 Megan and I on the ferry to Seattle!

 Pigging outttt!

Megan and my mom hahahah

My Maey (:

Meee!

Megan and I... if you know me at all, 

the fact that potato chips are in my hands is not that weird. hahaha

 

Megan and our food :D

Megan and I in the park haha it was wiiiindy!

HAHAHA our waiter at Red Robin :b

I hope all of you guys a good weekend! Any big plans that took place? I'd love to hear about them!

Uncertainty

I'm confused. Completely and utterly confused. I thought I had it all figured out, too, which is making this even more confusing. I'm going to try not to go into details, just because I'm not really sure I want to talk about this. I thought it was what I wanted. But maybe, just maybe, I don't know what I want. On one hand, we have something that terrifies me but makes me shake, but in the best way possible. Then on the other hand we have a barely even possible situation, but for some reason my mind keeps wandering in that direction. The person I would normally talk to about this is part of the equation, so I can't talk to them about it. I really don't know anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared of my feelings, and I'm scared of the impossibility of everything. Not just this one thing, but every single thing. I want to run. That's my instinct. To just run away from it all But then I'd be sad and lonely again. asdfkjjslfkjldkfj. I just don't know.

Two Years (Please read the red portion at the beginning and end)

WARNING: This post may be triggering to some. This post is merely to get my thoughts out somewhere. I apologize if it is triggering, so please read at your own risk. But please take the time to read the red portion at the end of this post.

Two years.
Two whole years.
I waited so long to be able to say
that I was at this point.
Honestly, though,
it feels like I'm at the same point I was
so many years ago.
It's been a huge a struggle,
that's a given.
I knew it would  be this way from the very beginning,
from the first time I picked up that shiny silver blade.
I remember it perfectly,
the first time I did it.
It was eight years ago.
I was eleven years old.
It all came back to me.
That year came back to me.
It's hard to think about,
let alone talk about.
I remember picking it up.
That lovely, little blade.
I got it from my mom's box cutter,
which was in her tool box.
All I could think about what how badly,
how damn badly,
I wanted the vision in my head to cease.
I don't know how the idea popped up.
The idea to do what would become my addiction.
I just sat there, blade in hand,
contemplating the action
that I would repeat thousands of times
over the next six years.
I stopped contemplating
and I did it.
It was the best thing I had ever felt,
yet the worst at the same time.
Over the next few years
it would become apparent that something was wrong.
Yet I didn't tell anyone.
I didn't tell a single soul until I was fourteen.
Three years.
I kept it in for three years.
But even after it came out,
I still couldn't explain why I was doing it.
It's not that I didn't know why,
because I did know.
I just couldn't take the chance of anyone else knowing.
It become scary.
Stitches.
I had my Spottie Dottie tin.
I had my Choco-Cat kit.
I kept blades in the oddest of places
for the easiest access.
I hated everything.
Except for my addiction.
It was a love/hate relationship,
and it was wonderful and scary
all at the same time.
Every thought I had,
every emotion I felt
lead back to it.
I wanted to get out of my head.
I wanted to get out of my body.
At one point, I tried.
But I soon realized that's not where I wanted to be.
I didn't want to escape my body or my head.
I wanted to escape my addiction.
Because I finally realized that it wasn't good for me.
The blade, the shiny, wonderful silver blade
lied to me.
It was good for the initial moment,
until the pain wore off and the guilt filled up my heart.
I didn't know how to stop.
The only thing that helped me through those hard, terrible, six long years,
wouldn't be there anymore.
It took me a long time to finally stop.
To finally put it down for good.
But I did it.
I freaking did it.
I put down the blade and I am now celebrating two years.
Two full years
of not one self-inflicted mark on my body
for the last two years.
I'm happy for myself.
I'm proud of myself.
Because I know I can do this.
No matter how bad the struggle might become.

I want to take this time to tell you all something. It doesn't matter if you struggle with an addiction of self injury, drugs, alcohol, or anything else. You have the strength inside of you to overcome it. I am living proof that you can overcome any obstacle that is thrown in your path. It's  not going to be easy. Hell, it may even be the hardest thing you do. But the other side is worth it. Imagine waking up in the morning and feeling good that you don't have to turn to something negative to help you get through the day. I'm not one to tell you to "snap out of it" or to "just stop" because I know how damn impossible it is to do that, and how annoying it gets to hear that from people that say they have your back. I want to extend myself to you guys. Any of you. If you have something that you need to vent, talk, or get advice about, I am here. No questions asked, I am here. You can email me at portlandpaparazi[AT]yahoo[DOT]com. Or if you have something to get off your chest, please don't hesitate to post a comment on this, anonymous or not. Please, there are people out there that know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate to be be cliche here, but it's true. Just know that you can always talk to me, no matter what the situation, I will be here with an open ear and a virtual shoulder to cry on.

Wishful Thinking is Never Enough

With reconfigured plans
and a pounding heart,
I'm starting to think that this may, just may, work out.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever wanted something more
in my entire life.
My whole world has revolved around this,
for quite some time now.
My future plans are with him.
Only him.
And it's extremely exciting
and scary,
all at the same time.
I know the universe tests me,
A LOT,
and I'm here to prove to whatever it is that is playing these games,
and setting me up,
that I am stronger than that.
I refuse to falter.
Some people think that this whole thing,
was destined to fail from the beginning.
Believe me, you couldn't be more wrong.
Sure, the odds are working against us,
but that doesn't mean that we can't rise up and take control.
I have no doubt that it's going to be hard.
No doubt at all.
But I know, deep down,
that we both want this to work.
It is everything I have ever wanted and more.
So please,
please please please,
no one take this away from me.
I have worked so hard to get to this place in my life.
To say that I am happy, without anyone's help.
(Which, if you knew me in person, you would know is true.)
I just hope that wishful thinking
is enough this time.
(It's never enough.)
So we will continue to work towards making this, well, work.
And all I can ask for
is the love we have for each other
to finally come
face to face.

Rant

Somehow I knew that this wouldn't work out. By "this" I mean him coming up here. I just knew that we wouldn't be able to get it together in time. It really doesn't help that no one I know is willing to help us out. Not even my mom. OF ALL people, I thought my mom would have my back on this one. It's not like I'm asking her for three grand. I'm asking for a place to stay for a month or two. It's crap like this that gets me down worse than I already was. I mean, yeah, I probably shouldn't have put all my hopes and dreams into this. But here's the thing: I did. Now. What the hell am I supposed to do? What the hell are WE supposed to do? The days are ticking away and we have zero options. All I wanted was to be with him. Now it looks like that's not really going to happen. alskdjsldfj. UGH. I should have known not to get my hopes up. I really should have known. Every time, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME, that I do get them up, it all comes crashing down to nothing. 

/Pity Party

My Maey

 

My mom and I, March 2010

My mom is my best friend. Cliche? Probably, but I'm not fibbing even a little bit when I say that. She is my Maey. I should probably explain why I call her that... For those of you that know me, you know know that I talk EXTREMELY fast. Well, when I was little, and still, when I say "Mommy" fast, it comes out as "Maw-ee" so, hence the name, Maey! I don't even know where to begin about her! Her name is Jennifer, for those of you that don't know. She means everything to me. We have the best Mother/Daughter relationship I could have ever asked for. She's going to be my maid of honor when I get married, and I will be hers if she ever gets remarried. I can't wait to watch her start her business, and see how she takes on the second half of her life. I love her SO much, sososososososo much!

Cyanide Laced Kool Aid

It was a windy day.
Some clouds, some sun.
I think that's what they call "Partly Sunny".
The day dragged on for what seemed like forever.
I waited for your phone call.
I waited.
And waited.
It never came.
I shoved you into the category,
the one that all the other guys are in.
The one that no one ever escapes from.
The one that's in my mind.
I never wanted to put you there.
You meant something to me.
And it wasn't just this "no phone call" situation.
It was everything.
It was the game you played.
Where I was the chess piece.
The queen of spades.
The Jenga block.
Whatever game you were playing,
I was the one being played.
But to me, you were something else.
You claimed that I played the game as well.
But honestly?
You were my puzzle piece.
The one that completed it all.
Or so I thought.
In reality, you were the one that cared.
It was a miracle!
Someone actually cared about me.
At least, used to.
I watched that care slide into oblivion.
I listened to the fake tone in your voice
which turned into just flat out hate.
I never wanted you to hate me. 
I remember you.
The old you.
The real you.
But that realness quickly faded,
and you become nothing but a shell of what you used to be.
I wanted to tell you everything.
Hell, I DID tell you everything.
But my everything didn't mean that much to you.
You were the world to me.
I wish I could say for certain that you felt the same.
At one point I think you might have.
If only I could say that we felt the same for each other that night.
Oh, that night.
I remember it perfectly,
do you?
Do you even remember the movie we "watched"?
I do.
I can play that night over in my head like I can with Titanic.
It wasn't your Titanic moment, was it?
I have no doubt in my mind that I loved you.
Loved.
Past tense.
It is no longer a feeling in my heart.
It will forever be imprinted on my soul as
"My First Love."
But that's all that remains.
Mere footprints.
You have been in my life,
in way way or another,
for almost six years.
Six years.
Six years.
I could practically be a doctor by now!
That is, if I had invested my time in medical school
rather than on how to get you to fall in love with me.
I think that was my major downfall.
Trying to force something that wouldn't have worked.
Like a little kid,
with those blocks.
You know, the hearts, the stars, the squares, the triangles.
And you have to fit them to the right shaped hole.
I was a star, you were a triangle.
For lack of a better analogy.
We didn't fit in the first place.
If you couldn't figure it out by now,
this is my goodbye.
I am washing my hands clean of you.
Over the last half of those almost six years,
I think you were more concerned with who you were going to sleep with next
rather than the girl in front of you,
who loved you with all her heart.
I did.
I promise you I did.
Don't you ever doubt that.
The problem is,
you are no longer an option.
Not for me, at least.
As I've said,
you will always have a place in my heart.
But not the place that I thought.
You do not own my heart.
I am promising myself,
no one else,
that you are not going to be apart of my life anymore.
No matter how hard you try.
Because you are poison to me.
You are my cyanide laced Kool Aid.

Healthy Lifestyle

Both Miss Indie and my good friend, Ashley, have posted recently about healthy lifestyle goals. Well, they have inspired me to start living my life in a healthier way! In just four short months, I will be 20 years old (le gasp!) and I figured that if I don't start living a more healthy life, I never will! So, here are my goals for living a more healthy life; effective immediately!

-  The obvious; Eating healthier. I am notorious for grabbing a handful (or six) of chips when I'm hungry. I would be so much better off if I was to cut up an apple, or have some cheese and crackers. Now, this will prove to be QUITE difficult considering how much of a picky eater I am (seriously guys, that apple I was talking about would be a granny smith with no peel...) but I am determined to start making healthier decisions when it comes to my diet.

- Dealing with stress better. It's no surprise that I don't deal with stress that well. So my goal is to write more, either on here or in my actual physical journal. I believe that writing out my frustration is a good way to deal with how stressed I get most of the time. I will also be exercising more, see the next goal for more details!

- Exercise more, and regularly. I had a plan a few months ago to wake up and go for a morning walk/jog around the park (this park is LITERALLY across the street from my house) so it really wouldn't be that difficult to get up and go! That is just the start of it though. I have some work out dvds that I haven't touch since I was about 13.. so I'm going to start watching those, and do about 15 minutes of a dvd a day. Doesn't seem like much, but it will get me in the rhythm of working out!

- Taking my meds everrrry night. I really suck at this! My sleep schedule has been SO out of whack lately, because my insomnia hasn't been as severe, so I'm able to fall asleep without taking my meds. The problem? I also take my birth control and my mood stabilizer along with my sleeping meds, and if I fall asleep without having to take my sleeping meds... oops! So, I'm going to start making it a priority to take ALL my meds, at the same time every single night. Even if it means setting an alarm on my itouch!

- I'm going to start living my life to the fullest. I've always loathed my anxiety, but especially as of lately. I have all these things that I want to do in life, but no courage to do them. So I'm going to start taking some chances, doing what I want to do, and try to not let anything hold me back! It's going to be a struggle, but I know I can do it!

- And finally, RELAXING! I do not relax enough. Probably due to my anxiety, since I am ALWAYS freaked out about something. So I'm going to start to read more, write more (like I mentioned above) and have some "me time". I really think everyone should make time to turn off the computer, the phone, and the tv, listen to some music and just relax! Luckily, my dad just mentioned the other night that we should devote one night a week to no electronics. I'm all for that if it means getting my brain to calm down a bit!

Well there you have it, guys! I hope that possibly (maybe? come onnnn!) my post will inspire you to live your life in a better way. If you plan on living a more healthy lifestyle, comment here! I'd love to hear about your goals! Wish me luck guys! This lifestyle change is long overdue!

Nothing More, Nothing Less

I want nothing more than for me to be yours and for you to be mine. I want the world to be in our hands, I want the train tracks to lead us to wherever it is we are going. I want this, I want us, to work out. I have never felt so alive as I have since I started really talking to you. I cannot wait to see the world with you, even if it's only a different state. I have been called so many things since I started telling people about us. "Crazy" is the one most used. I have only told one other person, besides you, my true feelings about you. Her response? "Awe<3" I honestly don't think that anyone believes me. That's the thing though, they don't have to. I know my feelings better than anyone. I know that deep down, I have only been this sure of my feelings about one other person, and yeah, it's pretty crazy to think that I've gotten to this place with you in a mere month or so, and it took about a year with the last person. I guess I just don't understand why people think it's their place to tell me what my feelings should be. Yeah, we live REALLY far away from each other... but soon those miles between us won't exist. That is what is keeping my feelings alive. I know that if we never had any intention of seeing each other, my feelings would be splatted against the floor, just like my heart. Every drop of blood in my body knows my feelings. Every muscle in my body that makes me  jump up and down when you tell me the most wonderful, cheesy, awesome things, knows it. You know it. I know it. That's all that should matter.

"So I'm sitting alone, pretending you're right here next to me.."

Day 3 of Leslie and Alexa's Three Day Challenge!

"What is your least favorite thing about yourself & how do you plan to turn it into something you like about yourself?"

My least favorite thing about myself would be my scars. I just had a conversation with my boy last night about this, and as I told him, "Most people say that your scars make you who you are." Well, yes, I can see that in a way. But when you have a constant, daily reminder of what you used to be.. it really, well, sucks (for lack of a better word.) I have over six years of an addiction compiled onto my skin. Unless you have gone through the same thing, you don't know how painful it is when little kids ask, "What's that on your arm?" or, "OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!" To just say "oh nothing" doesn't always work, unless they are old enough to take a hint. Even when adults ask about them, it hurts. I always see their piercing eyes and hear hat judgmental tone in their voice. I honestly don't know how to turn this into something I like about myself. I don't think I will ever really "like" my scars, but I need to learn to accept them. Because not accepting them is only going to make this journey harder.

Day 2 of Leslie and Alexa's Three Day Challenge!

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

Well, in ten years I will be nearly 30 (holy bananas Batman!) and I hope by then that I am happily married, with little ones running around. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to get married young, start a family, and be a cute little house wife. That's all I've wanted from life, for as long as I can remember. Some people call me crazy and that I'm "selling myself short" with this ambition. I don't see it that way at ALL. So, in ten years, I would like to be married with a baby (possibly two?) and living my life to the fullest extent. I don't see how anyone could see that as "selling myself short".

True Feelings

I just came clean to someone about my true feelings towards them. And honestly? I could not be happier. All of this is happening so goddamn fast, but it really doesn't matter anymore. What matter is how I feel, because this is my life. You guys hear that? Your rude commentary doesn't matter to me. Because I'm living this life for me. Not you. So if you don't agree with my desicions, keep it to yourself. I am HAPPY. I am alive. And that's more than I could ask for. As for the exhange that happened earlier tonight? That makes me even happier.

Day 1 of Leslie and Alexa's Three Day Challenge!

 "What's your biggest dream?"

My biggest dream is to own a used book store, and do photography on the side. Sounds kind of silly, huh? Well, that's my life dream. I want to run my own used book store, which will also be a venue for local bands to play. I want to showcase local artists artwork in the store, and all that jazz. There will be a coffee/tea/pastry shop in the front, which hopefully my mom will run. I get so excited thinking about it!

Proof

The goosebumps that race up and down my body is proof. Proof that this is everything I have ever wanted, and more. Here's the catch: telephone wires and computer cables aren't enough for me. I'm on one side, and you are on the other. I cannot express how much that kills me. How badly I just want to say "Screw the world, I'm leaving" and pack up everything and go. That's just not possible. You say that you feel the same. Yet there you sit, keeping things, important things, from me. You took me from the highest I've ever been, to pretty damn low in a matter of seconds. I know part of that is just my inability to grasp on to reality at times, but the other part of it is you. Words are fine and dandy until it comes down to acting on what you've been saying. So far, I haven't seen one bit of action on your part. You've promised me the world, yet you haven't delivered even a city. I don't want this to end. And in a twisted way, I feel like you are banking on that. Like you can have me and her, and she will never know, while I'm here absolutely freaked out that I'm ruining something that you don't want to be ruined. And then I think about it from the other side. What if this happens again, when you and I are together? What happens when the tables are turned, and I am on the other side of this situation? I can't shake these feelings. And that scares me, a lot. because deep down, I'm feeling things for you that I haven't felt in a very long time. I don't want that to be used against me, and I'm afraid it will be. Call me crazy, maybe I am, but history repeats itself. I have been tossed around, beaten down, and used by every single guy that has ever entered my life. What makes you so different? All I'm asking for is proof that your words are real. That what you say actually has meaning behind it. I have been told everything you can imagine, and every promise has turned into empty words compiled into hollow sentences. I've been holding on for quite some time. And honestly I don't know why, because normally my heart would be pounding and my head would be screaming at me, "Get out now." So what makes this time so different? I have a feeling I know the answer, I just don't want it to be true for one reason. I promised myself that this wouldn't happen again. And now it is, and I don't want to break the promise to myself anymore than I have already. All I want is proof from you. Proof that your words, your sentences, your promises, aren't empty. That you not only mean what you say, but say what you mean. That's all I want.

To Paint the Sky Show Photos!

This past week I had the opportunity to go into downtown Seattle (which I don't do very often!) to take pictures of a band that two of my friends are in! It was SUCH an awesome show, and I decided to share a few of my favorite pictures with you guys! You guys should check them out, too! Their music is prettyyy damn good! Their name is To Paint The Sky, and you can find them on Facebook, Myspace, Purvolume and Twitter!

May

Well it's May 1st, can you guys believe it? This year has absolutely flownnnn by! But, since today is the first of the month, that means that it is my two year anniversary. TWO years clean from self injury. Can you guys believe THAT? I'm so proud of myself, it's been one hell of a struggle, but honestly the pay off is so worth it. I've got a two year dinner planned for the 14th, and then the weekend after that I get to spend the day with my aunt, uncle and Nana! I'm excited. It's a GORGEOUS day here in Seattle, and the park across my house is filled up with tons of people (as it always is on beautiful days!) I can't wait for spring! This better not just be a taste.. I want the real thing! Speaking of spring, I really want to do some cutesy spring craft projects - anyone have any ideas? DIY is my third favorite thing in the world (after photography and writing) and I would love to have some awesome spring crafts to work on! So please, if you have any links or ideas, send them my way! Please and thank you! I hope you all have a wonderful May Day, and I will be back to post tomorrow!