The answer has always been there, it just took so long for me to see it

I cannot blame myself for the mistakes I made in the past.

I need to let go of the self guilt for being naive.

The way I was treated by some, was wrong.

But I didn't know any better, and once I did know better,

I took the necessary steps to take care of myself.

The way I treated myself, was wrong.

But I'm learning the right ways to love myself.

The decisions I made that let to horrible consequences, were wrong.

But that doesn't make me wrong for making them.

Once I saw how those consequences effected me and those around me,

I stopped making those decisions. 

The first step of many

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.
Boys who left too soon,
boys who never cared,
boys who were more interested in anything other than me.
I've twisted my hate for them in more ways than I can count,
thinking over and over -
they didn't deserve what they got,
and they never got what they deserved.
But what difference would that make?
I can't go back in time and take his hand out of my underwear.
I can't change the words I said to them,
nor the words they said to me.
I can't change the feelings I thought I once had.
What I can change, though,
is the blame.
There is always going to be regret
for not just listening to, but believing lies;
for not standing up for myself;
and for having the "but it's going to be different than last time" mindset;
Though I am no longer shaming myself for trying to find solace.
The routes I took to find that solace were misguided and wrong -
and in hindsight, I see that.
But at the time, I swear, all I wanted was to be wanted, needed and cared for.
It came out as only needing to be told my tits looked great.
I may have made some bad judgments,
I may have made some bad decisions,
I may have made some bad friends.
But that doesn't make me, nor has it ever made me,
a bad person.
I am forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am forgiving myself for the way I have treated myself for those mistakes.
I am forgiving the men who were also misguided.
My Karma came through for me -
I'm letting their Karma take all my past hatred.

New Decision

I've decided something just now. Literally, I JUST decided it. It isn't a surprise to you guys that I struggle with self injury, and although I have been clean for over two years (after acting on it for six years), it is still a daily hardship. So in times like these, when it seems like nothing is going right and I just want to give in, I am going to cut. Just not my skin. I've decided that I'm going to cut my hair. Obviously I can't afford to cut my hair every single time I have an urge, but when I get really down and just want to change something, I will change my hair. Thinking back, I've already done this the last two break ups I've gone through, and my hair is starting to grow out just a bit too long. So I'm going to talk to my cousin (who is my hairdresser when we can figure  out when we're both free!) because I know that she will cut it exactly the way I want her to! This is a chance at me to find peace with myself. Plus, I'm kind of backwards from everyone else. I love change. Most people are scared of it, but I loveee it. I get bored so easily, especially with hair. So why not make a change to it when the going gets tough? Hair grows back, too, so if I ever don't like it, it won't stay that way forever! I'm already deciding how to cut my hair this time.. Stay tuned! I will post pictures as soon as I do it!