The New Year

Well guys, it's upon us. We already have less than a year to live before the world implodes, or whatever (insert laughing audience here), but I wanted to take some time to review my year.. this might be a little difficult since I'm currently on Rissa's ipad but oh well!

This year I saw a lot of changes. The first quarter of the year was filled with a two week long relationship, a two week long job, graduating high school (FINALLY) and fights with my dad. That last one is pretty normal though. My relationship with my ex was an interesting one. In the end it boiled down to a lack of acceptance, and that was it! My job was at the corner store down the street from my house. Although my anxiety was was again a job killer, the relationships I made at CJ's (the store) are beyond awesome. They really are like my second family. Well, third. Rissa's family is my second!

The second quarter of the year was quite awesome, for one main reason. I met another (now ex) boyfriend and had probably the best relationship I've ever had. Granted it only lasted two weeks, but seeing as my record for longest relationship is only just over three weeks... Yeaaaah. Anyways! I had a wonderful time with my ex, and we are still good friends to this day. The beginning of summer was a lot of fun and I owe it all to great friends. I may not have a ton and a half of friends, but the friends that I DO have are some of the best out there. In May I celebrated two years clean from self injury. I cannot express how difficult staying clean has been. But I'm past two and a half years at this point and I'm still going. It's been rough. But I'm making it.

This July, my family and I were slammed with some horrible news. My Grandma Cath has stage 4 lung cancer. It's been difficult to say the least because, in the words of my grandma, "there is no stage 5." At this point it's pretty much just down to when. It's terrifyingly sad to know that someone so close to me and that I love so dearly is on the brink of death. I knitted her a hat, since she has no hair left, and she was so happy when I gave it to her. I need to focus on the positive. It's only going to get worse from here so I need to stay strong.

Summer was not what I was expecting at all. Perhaps it was because I was totally bummed out that I had to miss my family's annual campout, or maybe it was for some other unknown reason. Uncertainty sort of has a grip on my life, if you guys haven't noticed yet. I did have another short week and a half long fling with my brother's childhood best friend. Seven year old me was doing the happy dance, the at the time nineteen year old me just didn't feel that spark. We remained friends though, which is nice since I've literally known him most my life.

The end of summer was... (nearly) life changing. As you all might remember, I was two days away from flying to Oklahoma. I didn't go, due to a last minute change in plans on the Oklahoma side of things, and although I'm sad I didn't get to take the opportunity to get out of Bremerton, I'm very VERY glad that I stayed. You see, in order to move, I had to go off my bipolar meds. One of the ones I'm on is over $800 a month without insurance. While being off my meds, I cycled into a hypomanic episode in September and into October. I'm STILL dealing with the consequences of that one. I did some stupid stuff, but at least I had a good time while doing things! It was scary, because I haven't felt that intense of emotions since I was 15 (before I went on meds for the first time). It was relieving to some degree, and I say this for only one reason. It showed me that it's okay to be social. As weird and "well no shit" as that sounds, it's true. I had a great time and I didn't die, nor come close to it. I wish I could feel that way while being on meds. I miss the "middle fingers up I don't careeee" type of attitude. I miss it a lot.

My birthday was in early September, and I know everyone says that your 20th birthday is the lander one, but really, my birthday was horrid. My dad was on an Alaskan cruise with his girlfriend for HER birthday. Needless to say, I got the short end of the stick once again. I spent my birthday packing for Oklahoma (which then had to be unpacked) and sitting on facebook. Pinterest and tumblr were in there that day too, I'm sure.

The last part of the year has been crazy. I've been fighting like mad with the thoughts in my head, since I've been trying so hard to get my meds balanced correctly and effectively. It's definitely a process, one that I've been through half a dozen, if not more, times before. The last few months have flown by. Thinking back that my birthday was.. what.. four or five months ago?! Jesse! It doesn't seem that long ago at all! I met some great people, had some great times, and enjoyed life at some points (that's a bit of a challenge with me, by the way).

I think the best part of this year was the epic awesomeness that is love. Yes, dear followers, I fell in love this year. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but most of them have been good. I have only ever been in love one other time, but that was a long time ago, and with the wrong person. I couldn't tell you right now if I'm in love with the wrong person again this time. But I do know that time will tell, and if he is the wrong person, time will also heal me after the inevitable heartbreak. I'm letting things flow as they should, though. No more rushing things. Especially this.

All in all, this year hasn't really stood out compared to some of the others in the past. It was still a crazy year, sometimes down right depressing, sometimes awesome. I feel like this year has gone by entirely too quickly, but I'll just have to live with it!

Now, of course, it's time for my New Years Resolutions! I apologize in advance for the lack of bullets, as I said I'm on an ipad right now. (I also apologize for any typos and/or auto correct!)

Get serious with my photography
I have been wanting to pursue my photography as a business for years now, why wait any longer?

Cross off at least five things from my "list of things to do before the zombie apocalypse"
This one is pretty self explanitory. Oh and that's my term for Bucket List. I hate the phrase Bucket List.

Get in shape
This too is pretty obvious, but it's a good one. I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight or anything, I just want to get in shape!

Go back to school
This is something I've been wanting to do for a while. I hope I can make this into a reality.

Continue working on getting mentally healthy
This is a big one for me. It's important, but still a very challenging task. I must keep up with therapy and meds, as well as outside resources. By this I just mean other forms of help, like books and online articles.


Well now that i have written the longest text post on this ipad... I think I'll end it! But I would love to know what your guys' New Years Resolutions are! Leave them as a comment if you'd like!

Take care everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This is my spaz cat, Ghia. This picture was taken last year, but here he is with my dad's (very) old Santa hat on. hahaha. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday! I got to spent loads of time with family (I even got a hug from my brother! IN PUBLIC!) and I got a ton of camera goodies! I'm excited. What all did you guys manage to haul away with? I'd love to know!

I'm pretty sure my dad is passed out on the couch right now, and my cat is probably in his lap doing the same.


Take care everyone!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a gooooood night!

I want to tell you everything

I want to tell you how crazy you make me, but how it's the good kind of crazy. I want to tell you how you still, over half a year later, give me butterflies - even when I'm just thinking about you. I want to tell you that I love sleeping next to you. I want to tell you that everything that's happened between us has only made us stronger, in my eyes, at least. I want to tell you that I love who I am when I'm around you. I want to tell you that you occupy the majority of my thoughts. I want to tell you that sometimes, life has a funny way of working out. I want to tell you that a second chance is all I really want for the new year. I want to tell you that I love you. I'm more certain of that then I am of anything else at the moment. I've tried pushing you out of my thoughts because I thought it was over, but there's nothing I can do when I feel this strongly towards you. I love you. I've never said that to anyone face to face before, but that's my plan the next time I see you. Good god... I really love you.

I just had an epiphany while writing this...

There is something inside of me. Something beautiful, something bold, something brave. I feel as if my ribs are acting as a literal cage for this thing. It's like I have to explode before it will come to life, show it's face, and be seen by all. Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes of what I once was. I think that's the key that I've been looking for. I think I might have just had a mind blowing epiphany. Not only do I need to let go of the past, which is always easier said than done, but I need to let go of any preconceived notions that I am supposed to be a certain way. You might be sitting there thinking "how obvious", but I've never seen it until now. I need to let myself just flow. I need to fly. I don't think I've ever let myself just be. I know that it all plays into my anxiety and fear of others judgments, but holy crap. I'm literally freaking out right now. This is the craziest thing that I have ever realized. I need to let go. I need to be who I am. I need to forget what has been said or done in the past and realize that it's in the past. I am me. I am Alexa. I need to be proud of that, instead of ashamed of the things that are forever marked in my soul. I don't think I'm even explaining what's going on in my head correctly. This is such a big deal for me. The new year will bring a new me. I cannot wait. 

Boyce Family Christmas Party!

So last night was the annual Boyce Family Christmas Party. Seeing as a lot of changes were made this year, it still turned out to be a lovely evening! Here are some pictures that I got. I had a wonderful time this year, as I do every year.

Dylan, Max, Haley, Me, Aaron
Stefan, Heather, Rebekah and Ian

Dylan being... Dylan/

Chit Chatting!

Sasha, Hannah and Me!

Tongueeeees

My Grandma Cath and I (:

Aaron and I!

Me, My Maey, Rebekah and Heather!

It was a very nice day indeed. I will be back again (soon I hope!) with more updates. I feel so bad that I suck at blogging lately! I will definitely be back this week though. Take care guys!

Shipwreck

I have a knot in my gut. It's pulling me down like an anchor that keeps me near sanity. I'm on the brink of something terrible and I know this but I can't seem to stop it. I look at the crew around me, the shipmates that are my friends and family, and no one seems to notice that the anchor has failed us and are being pulled down. We are now under the waves, the current sliding us back and forth, back and forth, again and again. I look around once more and still no one notices. It's almost as if this ship is only in my head. We crash into the rocks and I don't even care anymore. I don't want to be bothered to hold on. It seems as if it's more effort to keep my head above the current than it is to just slip under the tide. Even with this realization I hold on. I hold on to anything I can wrap my arms around. Memories. Jokes. Talks. Hugs. Kisses. Feelings. Stable emotions. They call go flowing past my sinking ship. I start to lose my grip. I start to cry but my tears are mixed with rain, which get washed out to sea. They don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. To the ocean, my tears are just salty water added to the great mass that flows between the cities and towns. To me, though, they are waterfalls. Delicately falling when I have no other choice. The shipwreck that is inside my head is in the ocean of tears that fall from my behind my lashes. My mind is sinking, because it doesn't know how to swim. Soon my memories, jokes, talks, hugs, kisses, feelings and stable emotions will get swept out to sea. It's only a matter of time.

Update

I'm back to being Autumn and the Make Believe.

Life has been so hectic lately, if you couldn't figure that out by my posts.. or lack there of. I've just been trying to get a hold of my mind. Hopefully it will happen sometime soon...

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you are enjoying the Holiday season. I will try to be back soon with some writings, and hopefully some pictures. 

Take care everyone.

(Here's a picture I took the other day)