And so it begins..

As I get ready for my move (just about two weeks!), I have been bombarded with things to do. Packing and going through things, mostly, but also with the whole friends thing. Now, I've never been one to have a bajillion friends who always hang out. Quite the opposite, actually. Even though I have never had a ton of friends, I have a few. I know I've posted about how crappy my friends can be, so I know this isn't new news. Here is what's currently happening. My friends have showed no concern about the fact that I'm moving. They aren't talking to me any more than usual, nor are they trying to hang out. Pretty much, they are giving off the vibe that they don't even care. One of my "friends" actually told me "she didn't feel like driving the hour it takes to get to my house to see me before I leave." That certainly proved what our friendship was worth. I guess I just thought, for some stupid reason, that people would act differently. I was obviously wrong. My dad, as well, has been acting very rude about this whole thing. I understand the fact that he is hurt and upset that I'm leaving, and he also doesn't "trust" this whole situation, but honestly? I don't have much time left to spend with him. I really think that he should be making the best of the time we do have, and stop being so self-centered with the fact that "he doesn't want me to go." I want everyone to know how much I will miss them, but they should be happy for me that I am finally doing something that I want to do.

Big News

I'm not really sure how to start this out, but I figured the sooner I tell everyone, the better. I have made a decision about my life that was pretty hard to make, but I feel that is the right choice to make. A while ago I posted on here that I had big news but couldn't share it. Well, here's the big news, guys! A few days after my birthday, I will be moving to Oklahoma. It's going to be difficult to leave all of my friends and family, but I feel like this is the best decision for me right now. I can't say when I'll be back, because I do not know that. My whole life I have wanted to up and leave, and as absolutely crazy as it sounds, I'm really excited to do exactly that. It's all happening very fast, and honestly that scares me a little bit, but I have faith that is is going to work out. I really cannot wait until I land and can start my new life. I will be sure to update you all about my adventures, and I will be posting a ton of pictures on my facebook, so if any of you want to add me on there people do not hesitate to ask for my info or to send me yours. I would love to add you guys! I hope you all can wish me good luck on my journey, and like I said, I will be updating as much as I can. Stay tuned to read all about my planning for the next three weeks! Oh and if any of you live in Oklahoma, PLEASE let me know! The more friends I can have down there, the better!

Take care guys!

I can't. I won't. I refuse.

It's a very scary feeling when you think about how much you miss a certain something. I miss 95% of the whole thing. I can't go back to it though. I've come too far, and made too much progress to just slip up. I was scrolling through my tumblr dash tonight and I saw something that freaked me out. I was intrigued though. It has been so goddamn long since I saw it on my own body. As screwed up as it sounds, I miss seeing it on my skin. Sometimes I look at the reminders that are left and I think about the over six years it was apart of my life. Six years. I have been clean for over two years. Would it be worth it to do it again? My answer right now is no. I have gotten to a good place and succumbing to the shiny metal would only be taking eight hundred steps backwards. I can't tell the future, so I don't know if my addiction will come back to the forefront of my life. As of this second though? I can't. I won't. I refuse. As far as the foreseeable future goes, not even a single poke will be self inflicted. I hope I can stay this strong for the rest of my life.

Life

Oh goodness, guys! I've neglected you for almost a week, which is pretty much unheard of when it comes to me blogging! I have been a busy bee, with my best friend coming over last week, my cousin coming over last weekend, cleaning the house a bunch and going through everything I own. I also have some big news brewing for you guys, but unfortunately I cannot tell you all juuust yet. I will absolutely as soon as I can though! I promise. I am really excited for life at the moment. Things are going pretty damn well, and although I had a little weird thing going on yesterday with my mood (not sure what happened AT ALL), I am a happy person. I can genuinely say that. As always, I hope you are all doing great, and that life hasn't shaken you in any way. Take care everyone!

Samps Baby

This month marks four years since we had to put down my Samps Baby. Sampson was seriously the best damn cat I could have ever asked for. He was a stray cat that found his way to our house when I was in second grade, and we had him until I was nearly sixteen years old. He would instantly come to my side if he heard me crying, but he only did that with me. He could care less if anyone else cried. He would literally put his paws on my shoulders and lick my face until I started laughing. He was a Flame-Point Siamese, which as you can tell by the picture are GORGEOUS. He was my baby. He got me through some of the hardest points in my life, and I know he is still with me in spirit. People say it's stupid to be so attached to an animal. I say they just never knew Sampson. He was my best friend. He developed liver cancer, which in turn caused his liver to fail. He was going very fast, and my mom and I decided to put him down four years ago so that he wouldn't have to suffer through his body shutting down. I remember saying when I was under the age of ten, that IF (I was convinced that Samps would never die) Sampson died, I wanted to get him cremated so that I could keep his ashes with me, so he'll always be with me. Well, I still have his ashes. Around the neck of the urn is his "Super Samps" collar, which I made him out of elastic and beads (There's a big 'S' bead in the middle). I hope that all of you can find a person, or an animal, that will always be there for you. Everyone deserves that. I am so grateful that I had my baby Samps... Rest in peace, pretty kitty.

Update

Well.

This weekend was fun, though it ended not so well. I won't get into details, but we'll just say things aren't going the way I wanted them to. But hey, when does life ever go the way you want it to?

I guess life is going just fine, I am trying to figure out what the hellllll I want to do with  my life. I don't really know.. at all.. what I want to do. I have my dream of a used book store, but it seems so far away..

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well.

I will get back into writing soon,

very soon,

I promise!

Take care everyone.

This Weekend

So this evening I am heading over to Seattle! I will be having a fun-filled weekend with someone awesome. I'm really excited to see how this weekend goes, for I am certain it will continue us in the direction we have been going. (A good direction!) I hope you all have a fabulous weekend, and I will update when I get back early next week! 

Oh yeah! The weather here in Seattle has been pretty nice, but today isn't looking very promising. At least not on the peninsula! I am hoping it will get at least a little nicer for my walk down to the ferry, and of course for my actual ferry ride!

Take care guys!

I'll talk to you all on Sunday or Monday.

I really do

I'm a Survivor, Not a Victim

From this day forward, I am going to try my damn best to overcome the past. “Letting go” of it is not an option, which if you know me, you’ll know why. I don’t need to sit here and wallow in the past. It’s going to be hard but it needs to be done. I have decided this for myself. I am going to start living in the now, and I need to realize that the past has shaped me into who I am. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s more than true. I don’t want to forget my past, for it will always be apart of me. The other day I was talking about something to a dear friend, and I realized that it didn’t really hurt to talk about it anymore. That was amazing to me. I thought it would take decades to be at this point, when it really just took a little over one decade. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to have it keep me from living my life. It’s going to be really goddamn hard, but I feel that I need to do this in order to keep growing. Terrible, horrible shit has happened to me. I’m no longer letting what has happened in my past define who I will be in the future. I am a survivor of so many things. I will no longer be a victim of my own memories.

Five Months To Go

I came up with a goal. Amazing, huh? I never have short term goals, so this is pretty cool. So, I have until December 31st 2011 to do this. If I don't complete it, I will still work towards it, but I really think that setting a "by this day" date will help. What is my goal, you ask? Well, I want to model again. I did a bit of modeling when I was 15, but nothing came of it. I am 5'9" so I'm the right height, and it's something I've always (since I was about four) been interested in doing. So my complete goal is to be a represented model within the next five months. I'm going to have to work hard, I know. I need to get in shape, but I found a workout buddy, so it will be easier to be motivated with someone else. I really want to do this. I hope that all of you will support me, and I will update you guys to let you know how things are going!