Today I had a conversation with a friend. A friend that I feel very comfortable talking to. We were talking about friends, and how mine, at least, treat me like dirt. I feel like the way that people treat me is my fault. Almost as if somehow I'm causing them to treat me badly. I have so much negativity surrounding my heart and my head, it's no wonder I don't have good friends. I am me though, and if you don't think you can accept that, then what are you doing in my life? Why are you here? Just to screw my over, like everyone always has? I don't understand. Please, Go Away.

Things are not what they seem. You, for instance, put on this show for everyone to see. Yet that's not who you really are. I know the real you, the true you, and I miss that part of you. Not caring what other people think is a hard thing to learn, but you did it. You never cared if people talked shit about us, because we were so much better than them. But all of that changed in a heartbeat, literally. You changed so fast, because you "discovered" something that I already had. Something that I wouldn't give you. Well I wish you could see how much I hate you, now, but also see how much I miss the OLD you. The one that actually gave a damn about me.

I feel like I'm a joke to you.

Enough Said.

All I want to know is if you are happy. I miss how you used to be my best friend in the whole world. I hate how I was never yours. We had so much together, we had friendship, we dated, and you are the first girl I really, really cared about. You still are that girl. I don't know how I survived for four months without you in my life, but know that I thought about everyday, and constantly said, "oh I should text her this.." but never did. I'm glad we are friends again, but I'd really like to hang out with you more and see if we can be best friends. But then again, I never was your best friend.. and I'm thinking that I never will be. I guess that you are happier when I'm just a side friend. So tell me, are you happy?

It is days like this, holidays mostly, that I really want someone to call my own. I hate that I don't have someone to share these times with. I'm growing up, faster than I'd like to sometimes, and I don't have anyone to share that with. Here's how the stories go. Girl likes boy. Boy says he likes girl too. Girl and Boy talk for weeks. Girl and Boy hang out. Boy stops talking to Girl after this. It really isn't fair though, to be honest. It isn't fair that no one gives me a chance. I'm an awkward, shy, weird girl. And this shows really blatantly when I first hang out with someone. But after a while, my weirdness, awkwardness and shyness mellow out and I'm just here. Call me crazy, but I want someone to be my Bender.

It is not that I need a path to follow, it's that I desire one. I long for that feeling of knowing what to do with my life. My whole life I have been a girl that doesn't know where to walk, doesn't know what to feel. I wander from place to place, I switch from chair to chair, and sooner than later I will wander to my final place, sit in my final chair. I don't long for the after life anymore, I don't want to live anywhere else but on Earth. Soon, though, I will wake up and my whole life will have been spent sitting here, in front of a computer screen. Don't be like me. Be anything but me. I sit here, and I think. I think about life, and what I'm supposed to do with myself. Just do not be like me.

I like you. I really do. I always have.. but now? Now you just confuse me. You tell me you like me, that you want to hang out with me, all this stuff.. and then I found out you just want a booty call? AND THENNN - you tell me you want a relationship. I don't understand boys, or girls, at all. When it comes to friendship, relationships, anything like that, you people just don't get it. I'm not going to be your fuck buddy. I'm not going to be your girlfriend if all you want is sex. I'm not going to be your friend with benefits. I want something solid. I want something that DOES NOT INVOLVE SEX. I want something that is mutual. I want something that I understand. Most of all, I want something real.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring..
not even a..
deer?



PICTURE CREDIT: Zoe at The Twenty Something Diary (:

You cannot hide from the morning sun.
You cannot hide from the midnight moonlight.

Love is waiting for you, love is here. Love is the words you speak. Love is the music you sing. Love is the way you style your hair. Love is the way you read out loud. Love is the way you sit in the chair, with your legs over the arm rest. Love is the way you smile, when I say that you are gorgeous today. You are gorgeous everyday. Love is the flowers you give me, for no reason at all. Love is the way you quote your favorite movie, while we are watching it. Love is the way you dance around the room when your favorite song comes on shuffle mode. Love is the way you look at me, with eyes that smile, with a curve of your lips, with a motive unknown to me. Love is you.

You sparkle brighter than the shiniest star.

I feel as if I am lost in the giant city I call my mind. Standing there, not knowing where to go, what to do. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing here. I don't know who I am, I can't figure myself out. I'm no longer a disorder-ridden girl. Yes, my "issues" are still there. But I will no longer be defined by them. I am me. I just don't know who I am. I want so badly for things to run smoothly, and I feel as if they are starting to. I just hope that I can figure out my purpose. Figure out myself.

I'm confused as to what you are doing. You complain that nobody likes you, that no one cares about you. Yet I sit here, day after day, longing for you to realize that I am the one that likes you, that cares about you. I always have. I thought for a long time that I loved you. I know now that I don't, but that doesn't mean I haven't stopped caring. That I haven't stopped liking you. The pickle I'm in right now is that you don't have these feelings for me. You never have. Even when we dated, you didn't feel this way. You never liked me. I can't help but feel as if you used me, to find out your true orientation. Why? Why would you do that? I don't understand. I just want to skip to the end of all this, when we both find people, when we are both happy. I just don't know when the end is.

The rain falls down, drenching me in my sleep. I sit up, after laying on the grass, and I stare down at the wet, green blades. I wait for the rain to stop before I go back inside. I live for these moments, I wait for these times. This moment is different though. The rain feels different. The droplets feel more like glass than water. I look around me. I listen. The ground around me screams. Cries. Screams again. I start to weep along with the grass. The shards that fall from the sky keep me from getting up, as for every time I try, my feet start to bleed. The grass bleeds as well. Green seeps from the grains of the blades of grass. The glass rain stops and I stand up. The ground is quiet. There is no screaming, no cries. Just lovely grass sitting upon the dirt. I walk back inside. The storm is over. I am fine.

I look down at my feet. I look down at the snow, the leaves, the ground. This is where I am. Earth. This is where I was born. Earth. This is where the life we all know is. This is where I'm meant to be. I'm meant to be on this planet, yes, but am I meant to be in this place, in this city, in this town? I don't understand why I can't fit in anywhere. "What's the matter with Misfits? That's where we fit in." I look at myself in the mirror day after day and I see something I never thought I would ever see. Me. Not disorders, not diseases. Not phobias, not anything. Me. I've always told myself I wouldn't be defined by my disorders, but now that I can see myself as a normal person (wow did I really just call myself "normal"?) I don't know what to do with myself. I was so consumed by taking care of myself, that I never thought about what I would do after I became better. This Earth that we stand on, this planet that we take advantage of, we all, or the majority, have a place. A place to call home, but not in technical terms. Friends to wish us a Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday. A purpose. Achievements. Right now the only achievement I can think of is overcoming three quarters of the shit I've gone through in my life. Yes, I know, that's a big thing to overcome, but what else lies ahead for me? What else am I going to see in the mirror, once new things start popping up? I want so badly for someone to take an interest in me, to see me for me. Honestly, I thought I had found him. I thought that the answer to all my wishes was right in front of me. And then... well, and then, he turned out, after four years, to be exactly like everyone else. He got what he wanted and left. So now the the journey is back in motion. Finding someone that is interested, not disgusted by me. Is this really what I want out of life though? To find love? Compassion? To find someone? I really don't know. Right now I am at the end of a complete one-eighty. I've done my turning around, I've done my fair share of waiting. Now it's time for life to hand me something good. I've been thrown the curve ball ten times too many, and now I want, need, something good to happen. People say you create your own happiness. Is this true? Can you really create something that in the past has always come from other places? I believe you create your own happiness to a certain extent. You set up for everything to happen, for everything to be happy, and then you wait. You wait for the happiness to come. Someone, something comes along and sets off those dominoes that you worked so hard setting up. Sometimes in the end it's worth it, you find that whatever came along makes you happier than setting up the dominoes did. Or, sometimes you think it's worth it, but in the end, you need to set up your dominoes one more time, just to see if the next time will be the same. For me, it's been the second. I have been let down continuously, and nothing ever seems to get better in the "happiness department." I guess what I'm trying to say is, set up your pieces, and let them fall down on their own. Don't rush to get to the end of the domino trail, just let it happen by itself. A lesson I'm trying to learn.

Honestly?
I feel like I fucked everything up..
Just because I kissed him in the rain,
and not you.

You wouldn't understand how badly I need to escape from this town. I need adventure. I need stability. I crave it. I crave the things that you all run from. I just want something to break this streak of not knowing anything. This sadness I go through, this all isn't what I wanted. I need to look up to the sky, wish on a shooting star, and go far, far away from this place. I need to get away.

I lay on the ground staring up at the stars, in the freezing cold, wishing upon every one that shoots by. I stare at the boy laying next to me. You. I want to scream inside your mind. Tell you all my secrets. Is this the medication talking, or am I really this comfortable? I want to etch more secrets into your skin, so you keep them with you forever. I want to find you, I want you to find me, in ever aspect. I want to dream with you. I don't know who you are, boy, but I hope to meet you one day soon. Be my everything. Be my everything. Be my everything. Just please don't let me down.

I'm currently in search of myself. I feel as if I've lost my soul, and no one knows where it could be. I do not know how to go on without a soul. I will tell you know though, walk away, walk away. You don't want to get involved in this. The search for my soul must be done by one person, and one person only. Me. I've lost all that makes me who I am. All that shows all of you what I am inside. Did I even know who I was in the first place, though? That's a question I won't have the answer to until I've lived my life for many, many more years.

Take a look at me. Look at what I have become. I think just that should be enough. I think just that should be great. I know I there are bumps in the road. I know that there are curves and turns, and tons of yield signs. The oncoming traffic inside my head is building up to the point where I can't think anymore. This is not what I wanted to happen. Everything was supposed to go according to plan, but that's not what happens in life, is it? Everything was supposed to make complete sense. I wasn't supposed to become overcome with disorders. Now I'm stuck here, waiting, for something magical to happen. Someone magical to come along.

I had a dream the other night. You sent me a text, just to say you were sorry for all the pain you had caused. I didn't want to believe that it was really you, after all, a year and a half ago you disappeared into the depths of god knows where. In my dream, I didn't respond to your text. Instead, I cried, and cried, and cried. Instead, I hung my head in sorrow. I didn't want to hear from you. I'm finally letting you go. Finally seeing that the past is the past. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to bring you back on this earth. Knowing that no one can bring you back onto this earth. You were not real. You were fake. Everything about you was fake. After all of the days, months and years that have passed, I still wonder why. Why did he do this to me? Why did he pretend to me you for a year? If you ever contact me in real life, I think that will be it. I think that will be my breaking point. Every letter you send will be another knot on my rope.

This winter has been making me think. What have I been thinking, you ask? I just want to know how easy it would be to pick up and leave. Leave this town behind. Leave everyone behind. Start over completely new. I've tried, in the past, to do this. Every time I try, I fail. I guess failing is the one thing I'm good at. All I want to do is pack up my belongings, and follow the road to see where it takes me. The fog, the heavy, dense fog, keeps me from going, though. It keeps me from going to see the world, to explore new places, for the new places, the exploration, it is what I'm scared of.