A Get Away

I remember the good ol' days, when nothing mattered but if you were tall enough to get on the coolest ride at the fair. I need to get away. From the harsh actions, and the even harsher words. Everyday to me it seems as if the world is coming to an end. Like, if I just hold on for five more minutes, something good will happen. But after those five minutes are up, I have to hold on for another five minutes. I need something to pull me back from the deepest hole that I always seem to fall into. I just feel as if I'm not good enough. Not for my family, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. I need a get away. I need to pretend, just for a few days, that none of this is really happening. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay then.

I Love You

I don't know what to do anymore. I have the most wonderful girl on my mind constantly, and now she's saying she wants to take a break.. how am I supposed to deal with this? How am I supposed to say, "That's fine, sweetie, we'll break up." When I know for a fact we will never be together again. I'm sick of this. I can't stand it anymore. Everyone knows how madly in love I am with her, all starting two and a half years ago. When I first saw her face, I knew, I knew, that she would be the one that I would fall so deeply in love with. But it doesn't matter now, does it? Because I'm not fucking good enough just because I'm a girl. Whatever, go fuck yourself.

Under The Sea

I feel like I'm drowning, and no one in my life wants to pull me back. I close my eyes, I breathe in and I sink to the bottom of the sand covered ocean. My hair waves back and forth, not wanting to sit still for even a second. I open my eyes. The last seconds of my life are spent at the bottom of the sea. It's funny how things work out. I always thought the last minutes of my life would be spent with a gun to my head, a knife to my wrist, or something along those lines. But in the end, it dosen't matter how you spend the last minutes of your life. What matters is how you spent the prelude to your death, how you spent the last how ever many years of your life. I guess you could say that I'm not finished here. I don't want to sink to the bottom anymore. I've sank too many times, and I can't finish my life that way. I refuse to. I'm out of my mind, probably, at least. I have scars to prove that this life hasn't been easy, and I have tears to also prove that this life hasn't been easy. I'm living my life second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I don't have anything to living for. I need to find something to make this life worth-while. I have to be strong through out this. I have make sure that I do not sink to the bottom again. I have to remember that there will be time I don't make it to the top, that I will fail. But failure is just a word for not making it on time. I will make it at one point or another. I just have to believe in myself.. a task that is easier said than done.

I was a camera, until I went blind

I'm looking for that one, single something that makes this life worth living. I've thought I've found people, certain irreplaceable people, that would make my life worth living. But I've realized I can't live my life for someone else. I need to live my life for me. For myself. For no one else. I would like the company of you and others on my journey to find myself, if that's okay with you guys? Okay sounds good. I'm sick of this long and tiresome search for myself. I'm almost eighteen, I should know who I am by now, shouldn't I? I mean, I have a passion. Well, three passions. Photography, Modeling, and Fashion Design. So why can't those be my reason to make this life worth living? I've tried everything. I've tried so much to find that one thing.. and in the back of my mind and heart I know exactly what it is. I had it.. or I thought I did.. but it went away faster than it came to me. I want"it" back. I want to be the person, the free spirit, that I was two years ago. Before I met him.. Before he ruined my life. But as much as I may have hate TOWARDS "you," I can't find myself hating "you." I can't do it. I don't know why, becuase I really should. What "you" did to me, was horrific. It will be two years since I first met "you", on March 31st. I want to skip that day so badly. I don't want another reminder of "you." I'm sick of all the songs that remind me of what we used to have. It was all a lie. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? I'm better off with out "you." I'm better off with the people I have now. I'm better off with out the drama, heartbreak, pain and anguish that "you" gave to me.

I'm So Fucking Done

I'm sick and fucking tired of all this bullshit drama. FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE, JUST FUCKING QUIT IT ALREADY. I was doing so much better when I just sat in my house and had no friends except for online. I was so much fucking easier. I'm so fucking done with all of this. I can't handle any of it anymore. I'm a loner. I've accepted that. I accepted that a long fucking time ago so why everyone is trying to push me to be someone I'm not is beyond me. I enjoy sitting online for hours on end, talking to people I'll never meet just for the fucking sake of talking to them. I don't want to be pretend that I'm happy any fucking more. I'm a pissed off, manic depressive, psychotic freak that has nothing to offer anyone. I don't want to act like I'm something I'm not. I'm done playing dress up. It's time for me to pass go and head home. I'm tired of these scars piling up on my arms and legs. You know what I want out of life? A family. That's all I fucking want. But you know what? Because of ONE fucker, that probably won't happen. I'm sick of crying and getting headaches because of crying and fuck. I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't live like this. I've said that a million fucking times and no one gets it. I just want to be left alone. No one comments any of my shit anyway, but don't comment this.

I feel so alone. Like nobody wants to be with me, nobody wants to be friends with me. I have an amazing girlfriend that is everything I've ever wanted.. but somehow I feel like she would rather be with other guys that with me. I'm trying to be positive here.. I really, really am, but in the back of my mind I just can't shake that feeling that I'm not good enough. I hate it. I hate being so negative about everything.. but that's just how my mind thinks. Until I can learn to accept myself and others for who I am and who they are, I'll probably continue to be negative about things. I'm so sorry.. I never meant for everything bad to happen.. I just want to be the normal girl that you fell for two years ago..

Passing Me By

I'm tired of the world passing me by. I have nothing left but my bbygirl and my camera. All of my friends have left and I don't know how I'm getting through each and every day. I think back to when my "best friend" moved in fourth grade. We had been irreplaceable to each other for two years and she invited her new friend to go with her on the move instead of me. That was one of the first times that I realized that people don't see me as a person, they see me as an object. An object to use. An object to pretend is your friend, then just dump on the side of the road like a lost teenager hit by a car. I would do anything to have my old friends be my best friends again. Like Hayley, Allie, Matty, Paddy, all them... but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I don't mean shit to people. Not even my own family. But in the end, it doesn't matter... does it? But as this town passes me by, my loneliness will grow and grow until it consumes me. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Pretend we're best friends one minute and then the next you barely consider me a friend. The world is spinning faster than I ever thought it would... and now I'm lost and confused... someone help me... please...

I finally got by baby back. I'm so fucking happy you don't even know. Kimberly Diane Hall, I love you so much, and I'm so happy you decided to give me another chance. Now what I have to say is, I can't be here anymore. I'm going over to my dad's house tonight, THANK GOD, but living in this god-for-saken apartment every week is making me go insane. I've never been more depressed than I have been since we moved in here, and not being able to move is making me crazy. Kimberly, baby, let's run away. I don't know where we would go, what we would do, how we would survive, but I know that all I need is you. I cannot live here anymore. I hate the thought of my dad not wanting me. He has to "comprimise himself" in order for me to be there. FUCK THAT. Goddamn, I can't stand this anymore. I just want to pack up my shit, walk out the door and never turn back. If I had money, I would buy a train ticket and go SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE. I just can't be here. But I can't leave my baby behind.. I need her just as much as I need air to breathe.

Everything I pour my heart into gets trampled, killed, stepped on, broken, and explodes into a million pieces. I just wish she could see how much I care for her.. how much I love her.. how I would do anything in the world to make her mine.. Tears are pouring from my eyes as I write this.. I just don' t know what to do anymore.. I wish she was mine.. so I could treat her better than all the other fuckers have. She's going through a phase that everyone goes through at least once in their life.. when everyone uses them, and when the person that will actually treat them right comes along, they are too blind to see them for what they really are. I wish she could see me for who I really am.. I try so hard to be the caring person that she needs. That's who I really am. Look past the mirage of disorders and scars.. I'm the person you've been looking for..

I love her. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. But does she love me back? I can't be sure. I'm starting to realize that I get the short end of the stick 99% of the time. But i'm hoping that's not the case this time. You see, she can't decide. She doesn't know if she wants me over the other guys. That hurts. A lot. To know that she doesn't know if I'm good enough for her. I just wish she could see how much I care for her. How I would do anything to make her mine again. I know, the distance is a problem. But it's not like we would never see each other. We still have weekends and summer, school breaks and holidays. But is that good enough? I can't be sure of that either. She makes it so easy to be in love with her. Her sparkling personality, her gorgeous looks, the way she always has the right thing to say, the fact that she has never been seriously mad at me - even though we all know I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I just wish that she could see that I'm not going to fuck her over like everyone else does. I'm going to treat her like the princess that she is, and make sure that no one treats her badly. She deserves the best person possible to make her happy. And for once in my life I'm being positive with myself and I can sincerly say that I would always do my best to make her happy. I would never hurt her. I would always hold her when she cries. I would always make sure that she has a place in my heart, like she has had for the last two and a half years. I love her. I love her so much.

fuck you

I cannot stand to live in this house anymore. There is constant yelling, screaming and fighting. I want to disappear and never come back. Sadly, that's not an option. So instead, I want to move to my dad's house. A change to old scenery. Right now my mom is throwing books around in the hallway and I'm thinking about getting dressed and just walking right out the front door. I have nothing with me. No money, no food, no change of clothes or anything. Just my mind and soul, ready for anything that comes to me. I can't be here anymore. My relationship with my mom is crumbling faster than I ever thought it would and I can't just sit back and watch it happen. I need to get the fuck out of this house. I cannot be here. Things were running really smoothing while I was at my dad's house for the last week and a half. There were not fights, no yelling, no screaming, and no book throwing. I feel like jumping through a window and flying away. Well, that's not an option either, so running away sounds like the best option. Don't fucking tell me "Oh you can't just run away from your problems, they'll catch up with you." I'm not fucking running away from my problems. I'm taking those with me. But there has to be a time when you say enough is enough, I'm getting the fuck out of a situation that makes me want to kill myself and pack up my bags and leave. But no. No one will fucking let me do that. So, my only two options are to stay in a house and situation that makes me want to kill myself, or runaway and never come back. In which case, my parents would probably call the cops and I'd get sent away to fucking boarding school or whatever they think will make all this shit go away.

I'm being completely sincere when I say - LET'S GET FUCKED UP AND DIE. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want a quick fix to make everything feel better and then go back to my over dramatic, shitty existence. I tremble at the thought of death. But it's a good tremor. Nothing is what it seems, can't you see that? I have so many things hidden, yet nothing at all at the exact same time. Let's pretend that I'm normal. Just for a second. Hah. You can't do it, can you? I don't care if I "cut ties with all the lives that I've been living in." I honestly don't care. The only two people that would even give a shit are my wifey and my mom. I need drugs. NOW.

I'm biting my lip as tears roll down my face. I miss you.. or should I say "him." Is it possible to miss someone that never existed? It has to be. I wouldn't be feeling this way if it was impossible. No one understands how much this whole situation takes a toll on me. Two years ago, I was saying "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm so glad I found you." Now? I'm saying "How could you? Why would you do that? I wish I could see you in person." I just want my heart to go back to how it was before all this shit happened. When I was the kind of person that didn't give a shit about anything, just wanted to smoke some chronic everyday. Now? What do I do to ease the pain? Hurt myself. It isn't easy to be me. That sounds so fucking cliche, but until you've lived in my life you don't know shit. So don't pretend like you know.

In This City

I need to be free. Mind, Soul, Body, and Heart. I need that freedom to survive. Until I can rid myself of your memories, that will never happen. Those memories will never disappear. I have to learn how to look past them. But how can I when I have to see you every single time that I'm there? You have no remorse for what you did to me. I know that. You probably don't even remember it. How you could forget is beyond me, because when you do that to someone, well, it's just not something that you easily forget. I need freedom from you. I need freedom from myself. I want to just walk in the rain and go where the roads take me. I need to get away from everything. Everyone. Just forget the world for a week. Forget that I have scars because of you. Forget that I can't date anyone seriously because of what you did. Forget that some people don't believe me. How could you not believe me? I understand that he's your brother, your flesh and blood, but you know what he's capable of. You know what he's done to you. Remember him hitting you in the head with a metal baseball bat ON PURPOSE? Yeah, normal and sane people don't do that to a four year old. Some people say we were so young that he didn't understand what he was doing was wrong. I don't understand that. If you knew what he did to me, if you knew all the things that went on from the time I was six until the time I was almost seven, you would understand that this is one fucked up kid. I just want to say, if I don't come home one day, well, you'll know why.

I like her. A lot. I mean A LOT, A LOT. So why is this choice being so difficult? It should be easy. But it can't be easy. Why? Because there's someone else. There's always someone else, someone to ruin what I want so badly. But now I have to choose, who do I like more? Someone I've dated before, someone I care about so deeply? Or someone that I care about a lot, but a little less than her, but someone that I havn't seen in almost a year? I can't do this. Someone is going to get hurt, and I don't want it to be either of them. But it's going to be one of them. Now I just have to decide.. FUCK. I can't do this. I really fucking can't do this. I don't want to hurt anyone. Can't I have you both? I need you both. Fucking hell.

So Sick of Cries, So Sick of Lies

I can't stand this. I can't stand you being mad at me. Even if you're not it feels like it and I just want things to go back to how they were. I loved how you cared about me when no one else did. I loved how you would always cheer me up. How you would say that I was adorable when I giggled on the phone. But the bottom line is you lied to me. You lead me on. You knew damn well through out this entire thing that it was going to end this way and you did nothing to stop it. How could you do that to me? You knew how unstable I was going into this... how did you think I was going to turn out in the end?

I can't do this anymore. This struggle of a life that's ending in a lie. I just really can't do this anymore. Everyone says how strong I am. How I can get through anything. The one person I thought I could count on is gone. Just like everyone else I thought that I could count on. They always leave. My dad told me last night that if I moved in with him, then my mom wouldn't get paid child support. The money that she relies on for groceries and bills would be gone. Why would he tell me that? It just puts more pressure on me and makes me doubt the choice that I already made. Then today my mom told me that our apartment lease is up on April 1st. If I move in with my dad, then she's going to move into a two bedroom. I can't handle this whole "my parents putting me in the middle" bullshit anymore. I just want to slice open my wrists. Call me emo, call me insane, call me a freak. I don't give a fuck anymore. You all can go to hell.