My mattress knows these things by now.

I've caught myself tracing numbers into my sheets on sleepless nights.

Numbers of dates and times of a past life three generations back. 

Telephone numbers that belong to strangers. 

Addresses of hideouts that have nothing but buried secrets beneath them now. 

I try not to question why I still retain these digits deep inside my mind,

I figure they are just finding their way out of the quicksand,

trying to escape as quickly as they can.

Mental Intervention

What's the last thing you remember before you fell onto the floor?

Before you took all those little pills, not wanting to give a damn anymore?

What went through your mind as each  handful went down?

What were you searching for, where did you think it would be found?

They said that you gave up, but I know you better than that.

You wouldn't just let something crumble when it only has a crack.

But that's not the way you see it, you think you're lost in the past somewhere -

you are only in the past because you keep yourself there.

Your smile has gotten weaker and your eyes lack their former glow,

you say you understand yourself but how much do you really know?

Your brain functions without you, the gears are turning as they please,

how many more times will you confuse a meltdown for a brain freeze?

What will you think of yourself, twenty years down the line?

Or do you just think this body of yours will be casually left behind?

No impact, you say, you think no one would care at all -

but you never really know who will catch you until you're already mid-fall.

I think everyone should take a minute to read this.

We are consumed by bullshit on a daily basis. I don't think people honestly understand that. Tragedy should not be the only thing that makes people look at the world around them. There is so much outside of computer screens, classrooms, bedrooms and cliques. We live in a world that is stocked full of hate, violence, disrespect and down right uncivilized actions. We get so wrapped up in the advancement of technology that we forget that our brains are the most powerful tool of all. Something always has to be better - human beings are never satisfied with what they have. Society insists that females look like super models, act like angels, and have the talents of a porn star, as well as informing men that it's perfectly acceptable to treat women with no respect and making money is one of the only importances of life.  The majority of children in junior high and high school are more concerned with their social lives that most likely won't last past graduation than with the problems of the world that directly impact their future. We threaten to shove weapons of mass destruction down the throats of our "enemies" just so that we know we have the upper hand. We kill hundreds upon thousands of innocent bystanders to the wars that most people don't even know the reasoning behind. The world gets angry and punishes those who are rejected when asking for help. People are more interested in who will win the 57th season of their favorite reality show then they are with who will be elected as director of their child's school district. Kids learn how to measure, label and find the variables of every triangle they could come across but have no idea how to balance their bank account. Society yells at woman for wearing the clothing they over charge for at the malls they built after knocking down four hundred trees to make space. We are told to ask for help no matter the circumstance but are pushed away or labeled crazy when we tell the truth. Children are killing themselves because modern generations can't seem to understand that the phrase "sticks and stones  may break my bones but words will never hurt me" just isn't true when insults are thrown about like a football. The fact of the matter is people will not change if we as humans continue to feed off of the faults of those around us. Society will not change if we continue to burn misconceptions into the brains of our youth. The world will not change if we continue to allow it to be run as a hierarchy.

Six Years, Too Young

Don't bother asking questions when you refuse to accept what's real,
We both know if the Devil appeared you wouldn't hesitate to shake on a deal.
You're corrupt, disturbed, evil to the core -
the natural state of my mind seems impossible to restore.
I blame you, and I blame the black soul you retain,
searching for normalcy, an impossibility to attain.
I sense your confusion every time you pass by,
the only questions remaining now are a bouquet of why's.
Why do you find it so easy to sleep through night?
Why do you get to run when I'm frozen in fright?
I don't see through your mask because it's fallen to the ground,
laying in the rubble and the ash that now surrounds.
I have kneeled at your feet with tears in my eyes,
susceptible to the horror that seeped away from your disguise.
Although years have passed, decades under my belt,
it's difficult to conquer the emotions that I felt.
So many insecurities piled on my plate
so many inconsistencies screwed around by fate.
I wash my hands clean of you, but my soul is surely stained,
broken pieces coming loose, they're getting harder to contain.
I ask you now with kindness, although you deserve none,
don't act like you know me when you don't even know what you've done.

I should have kicked him in the teeth

There was once this boy that gave butterflies
in the worst possible kind of way.
I thought it was love, pulling me gently
towards the wreckage that is now the past.
He stood next to me on more than one occasion,
but the in between times of empty hands
prevailed over all of the sweet words he threw my way.
At least that's how I see it now.
Back then, I would have sawed off multiple extremities for him.
I thought I couldn't breathe without him -
so missing body parts didn't seem that bad to keep him around.
He didn't want to stick around though,
that was the part I failed to realize five too many times.
I watched him walk away from the burning mess,
leaving me stranded with all confidence singed away.
But he's always come back -
he'd always rush back over, never quite too late,
pick up all the pieces and start building once again.
Over and over,
burned to the ground.
I finally picked up the pieces and walked away,
giving him one last upwards middle finger to prove my point.
It's kind of funny, really.
I'm keeping all my limbs this time,
but he can have the 'fuck you' finger any time he wants.

They Were Broken in Different Places

You see her sitting there, saddened by a broken heart
from a boy going too fast, too quick, too done - too gone.
You didn't even have to ask her to know that was the truth.
Her eyes were a dead give away with the tears welling
and her legs shaking and her thumb nails bitten to the bone.
You make the effort to sit next to her, carefully, quietly -
not wanting to disrupt her wallowing self pity.
She looks at you - sniffling - cracking a half attempted smile.
You ask her what's wrong,
she replies with "men are assholes... no offense."
You say none taken, your head says she's cute as hell.
She tells you he was a douche bag, a fuck face,
a whatever-insult-she-can-think-of.
She tells you he hurt her,
that she doesn't deserve a broken heart.
You tell her you understand,
that you are sorry and that she is right, she doesn't.
But you don't understand and you aren't sorry
and you don't even know her.
She listens to your lies and never realizes the worst -
you are telling her everything she shouldn't be hearing
but she needs you just as much as you need her...
right?
You continue justifying it to yourself,
right?
She needs a hand to hold
and you need a bed to share
so you pretend it's the same thing
and you invite her over to get her
mind off this asshole, douche bag,
fuck face of an ex boyfriend.
She mistakes your kindness for shining armor
when you tell her it will be okay in the morning -
she thinks one thing, and you think another,
because you won't even be there when she wakes up...
her heart will continue breaking and your guilt
will fly away in the breeze.
I hope you're happy, Romeo -
or whichever cliche you believe to be -
Just remember that confidence should never
be confused with pride.

Dear Disease - Signed Conscience

Here we go - again.
I don't know how many times I have to tell you,
she doesn't want you around.
I don't even think you know what you've done to her!
She breaks down on a daily basis -
because of you.
She has panic attacks -
because of you.
She hates herself -
because of you.

Oh, but then there's scars..
telling her razors are fun to play with,
telling her scars are more beautiful than clean flesh?
Why would you do that?
Why would you put her though that...!

What  makes you think you can keep coming back?
You are a plague to her,
you hold her back from everything she can be.
Stop this, once and for all.
You don't deserve the energy you take.

I have her best interests at heart.
She deserves me.
She needs me.
She doesn't want anything to do with you.
Leave her alone.
Don't come back.

Maybe Everyone Gets A New start

She never thought it would come down to this,
she never thought she would have scars on her wrist,
she doesn't want to admit that anything's wrong,
so she pretends it's nothing and just hums along.
Her mother is worried, scared for her daughter,
it would have been so much easier if she had known her father.
But what she doesn't know is she's stronger than anyone,
consciously putting down the razor and not picking up the gun.
Her memory fails her, tells her happiness has never been around
but if you look deep enough it's just waiting to be found.
Her mind runs faster than she can even comprehend
she's lost all hope in herself so she turns to her friends,
but no one can help her, or so she claims,
she says broken pieces are all that remain.
She sits on the floor, head in her knees,
and wonders how she became so damaged at only sixteen.
But I have faith in this girl, I know she can win,
I know she has it in her, she just has to begin.
Living life isn't easy, she's living proof of that,
because she would do anything to take it all back.
This girl is a wonder to the people that care,
but she will tell you that compassion is rare.
Her misconceptions are brewed deep in her brain,
leaking out stealthily as she covers up the stains.
No one tells her the words she desperately needs to hear -
that there is so much love for her to erase the fear,
that she is a beautiful creature, inside and out,
and she should never have even a second of doubt.
I wish I could take it all away, mend her broken heart,
and scare off anyone that tries to rip it apart.
But her life is not mine and there's only so much I can do,
so I will continue loving her until my wishes come true.

She Skips the Cookies at AA

She stumbles through the room,
underwear being the only thing covering her thin hips.
She told herself the second half of the bottle would be saved for tomorrow -
it now sloshes in the bottom of her tiny stomach.
Her best friend called three times,
but she lost her phone last week and it's no where to be found.
She crashed at her boyfriend's house sixteen times in the last month
and her parents aren't sure where to find her.
Everyone warned her, said to be careful with the bottle in her hand,
said 'it runs in the family, you don't want to become one of them.'
But she has, and she loves it -
the weightless feeling of being wasted,
the weightless feeling of an empty gut from puking up the party from the night before.
She wears cigarettes like perfume and the dark circles replace makeup,
she couldn't tell you the last time she ate,
or even the last time she wanted to.
The mysterious bruises have unknown origins,
but she doesn't seem to mind the purple spots
which she claims give her 'character'.
Her words get mixed up before they even leave her throat,
the mangled mess that comes out means nothing to anyone but her.
She doesn't know the date, or even the city she's in.
Her life has come down to when the bottle can be empty,
and how long she can keep her stomach the same way.

This Little Town

This little town has taken too much from me.
Broken bones on street corners,
broken hearts on bed sheets,
broken everything, in one way or another.
Shooting stars are the last bit of hope that I have,
11:11 popping up on the stove clock,
crossed fingers kissed for luck.
I've waited years to get away,
to leave this place behind me like the plague that it is.
Someone told me I couldn't escape my home,
that this hell will always be apart of me.
I try not to admit that I know they are right,
the sliver of glass that has wedged itself tightly into my heart
is the best example of the connection I keep to this place.
This little town continues to take from my sanity,
forcing my hands to cover my mouth.
I like it here.
I swear.

A Day in the Life

My mind grows dark with thoughts of dread,
the bloody crime scene I envision in my head,
it's this moment, the one that I hatefully love,
the one that is confused for wanting to leave and live above.
Once again the razor digs into my arm,
I present a horrific smile as I indulge in this harm...
questions will be asked, lies will roll off my tongue -
your judgments are no match the damage that is done.
Sleeves pulled down, Band Aids missing from the drawer -
if only you knew the battle that's in store.
You beat me down with your tone of voice -
don't tell me I can stop when it's no longer my choice. 
My skin is scarred, but my heart is worse,
I fear the only end is with my body in a hearse.
You spit your misconceptions back in my face,
I'm just trying to survive, I didn't know life was a race.
I've recovered once, at least temporarily so,
it's just that I crave it so much when I feel so low.
Your put downs towards me are not helping in the least,
they just feed the monster who is turning into a beast.
I don't ask for your blessing, acceptance is all I need
I'm trying my best but this darkness is so hard to feed.
Please, let me be, I promise death is not in the plan,
I just need space so I can see I have my own two feet to stand.

The Truth Behind Reality

You ask me why I act this way, why I'm scared to speak the words I want to say, why I hibernate day after day. I'll tell you something, I wish I knew, I wish I had the answers to more than a few of the questions that permeate, praying for a clean slate, mind is in a constant mixed state - let's get this straight. I don't know why I'm like this, I just know what I'm told, all I can blame it on is having my innocence sold as a one way ticket to the infinite cold. I'm not here to tell you differently, just to make you think more logically. Do you think I asked for this, the scars on my skin? Do you think I asked for the urges to sin? I question the outcome of the life that I lead and it makes me wonder if I was sprouted from a cursed seed, I have a sickening greed to be one less prisoner but I have no hope to be freed. The world spins around me and there's no way to stop, I have to find my way out before I crumble and rot, don't you dare tell me to give it another shot when I've spent the last decade giving it all I've got. I'm tired, exhausted, mentally dead - have you even listened to a word I've said? I'll throw in the towel once more but I'm no where near the end, I have a kingdom of insanity that I must fight for and defend. The person you see is not the person inside, I wish I could show it but I've fail every time I've tired so I've learned it's easier to just find a place to hide. I look at the face in the mirror today, it's different than yesterday but it's hard to say, I try not to realize that girl didn't want to stay. My heart aches violently, beating quietly almost silently, it tries too hard to be what it's not meant to be, my organ craves blood but I confuse it for love so I fill the hole with the feelings I stole because what was rightfully mine was once upon a time taken and I think your reasoning is mistaken. I cannot tell you why I am the way I turned out to be, I can only tell you to wait and see. You may not like it, and you may not agree, but I will never be anyone other than the mess that is me.

If only they cared

She's broken -
ripping apart at the seams,
but she cannot be fixed.
Every vein is coming loose,
every freckle is falling off,
every heartbeat is getting harder to hear.
She drifts in and out of reality,
dosing off into the depths of her own world.
Her cries are muffled by pierced lips,
her screams silenced by her thoughts,
her words are ceased with the bite of her tongue.
She listens carefully
to every word that is said in her presence,
trying to catch a single syllable
that will give her hope to stay.
Her scars are the most valuable aspect of her diminishing sanity,
proving that she has only stumbled
rather than giving up entirely.
Every day is a struggle,
a war within the walls of her mind,
seeking refuge wherever she can find it.
Her heart has been shattered
more times than she can count -
feeling the regrets of letting herself fall
into the arms of those who couldn't bear the weight.
Her guilt builds,
feeling like the bandages on others
are a result of her existence.
She stands in front of you,
with a smile curling around her lips,
but if you look three inches north
you will see the absence of life in her eyes.
She is quiet so you will not suspect
that her mind is screaming to be set free.
She is quiet so you will not suspect
that the girl you know is no longer there.

Thinking thoughts of nothing

I'm thinking too much about things that hold too little value. Things that don't matter, probably never have mattered, and never will matter. Things that should have been forgotten in the past, things that never should have been brought into the present. I wonder what ever happened to the little kitten with the kinked tail that my parents wouldn't let me keep when I was eight. I wonder about the couple that my dad alerted when the rat ran past them on the rocks at the water when I was four, and I wonder if they ever got married. If they ever had kids. If he cheated on her with his secretary. If she cheated on him with the neighbor. I think about that one night stand. I think about the reaction you would have had if I told you it was just sex. If I told you that you could go fuck yourself for what you had done to me, but that I wanted to get my rocks off first. I think about your face and how much I wish I could punch you in it. I wonder what would have happened if I was born a boy. I wonder why God or whatever is up there decided that my life had to be this way. Why this way instead of that way. Why I got picked last in gym class every single goddamn time. Why my friends don't care as much as they claim to. Why I can't find the adequate words to describe certain feelings. I wonder if the people that cross my mind now think of me also. I wonder and I wonder and I plead with my mind to stop. I over think every single possible detail and then I beat myself up for coming to the conclusions that I do. I can't keep doing this.

Update I guess

I've always thought that my life would be so much different that it is. To this day it bothers me that my life is so different than I've always wanted... different than I've always dreamed. I've always been so prideful about my independence but I've realized that the independence I used to love so much about myself no longer exists. I for some reason still refuse to accept help even when I know that I need it. I don't even really know what I'm trying to say, to be honest. I'm just scared about the future because of it's uncertainty. I wish I could say that I'm doing the things that I've always wanted to, like holding down a job, or going to school, or living in an apartment and things like that. I feel like I'm still living my life as a kid and I don't want to do that. I want to be the adult that I am and I'm so, so tired of not being able to figure out how to do that. My life has always bothered me, for obvious reasons, but as of lately my life has been bothering me more about the choices that I have been forced into making due to inevitable life circumstances. I've become too aware for my liking about the effects my past has had on my present and in turn my future. Everything is running through my head too quickly. My brain hurts. I can't keep overloading my mind again and again and hoping it won't explode. I'm just so goddamn frustrated.

Your advice is contradicting, sir.

Someone told me I should have talked to you.
I should have grabbed you by the shoulder, or shouted your name,
or pretended to have locked my keys in my car so you'd be give me a ride home,
...or something.
But I didn't and I couldn't and I know I never would -
you are too far from me now and I can't ever reach you again.
Why can't I ask you why you do the things you do?
Why can't I scream at you and plead for you to let your anchor relocate?
You never let me finish.
You walk away too quickly,
you move your lips too quickly,
you close your ears before it's all over.
Oh Darling,
what have you done?
what
have
you
done?
Don't tell me I'm the crazy one,
you don't understand!
You don't get me,
I don't get you,
we don't get each other -
that's the silly part.
Why don't you leave now, hm?
Take your silly laughter and your big grin with your pointy teeth -
take your ego in your backseat to pretend the sins back there don't exist.
Wash your hands of me,
push me down the drain.
Send me to the sewer,
to the ocean,
to space.
I don't want to see you here anymore.
Someone told me I should stand my ground.
Well?
Go on.
Leave me alone.

Update

The last year has been so insanely difficult for me, which was proven to the world in mid-August. Now, it seems more and more things are piling up and I am over-saturated with stress in nearly every aspect of my life. My relationship with my mom is the worst it's ever been, and it's tearing me apart... she doesn't understand the magnitude of how she's hurt me. I miss her so much and I just want things to go back to the way they were... it's literally impossible at this point, though. My living situation with my dad is the worst it's ever been, also. It's preeeetty awesome having both my parental relationships flushing down the drain at the exact same rate... (/extremely obvious sarcasm). I can't keep living with my dad the way it is. I know my dad won't change in any good way, he's trying to move to a new house and refuses to do it while I'm living at home. Well, that would be fine and dandy, but my dad has been looking at new houses for two years now and told me the other day that he almost put an offer down on a house he liked, but didn't because of me. I don't drive, I don't have a job, and I have no money whatsoever. I want to live my life as a 21 year old SO badly and get a job and save up and move out and start my life. My real, true life. I want to do that so freaking badly but I am held back so viciously by the demons that I am plagued with battling every single day for the last 15 years. Living with my dad is pure hell, and it's driving me down even harder every day I stay there. The fights have been building and I'm just waiting for the one that will end with me being kicked out. I am trying not to think about the fact that all five of my grandparents are really ill, and I have done nothing but shove it to the back of my head and I KNOW how horrible that is. I am getting more and more depressed about my weight and I have been falling into more self hatred about it. I have never been as self conscious as I have been over the last few months and I am becoming scarily critical of myself. So much is stressing me out and I need to get away from everything... I need a solid plan but I can't do that with my head being this chaotic.. I'm getting scared for myself again. It's not good when this happens.

Circus of Macabre

The tragedy within me is gripping tightly to my core,
it twists and turns my ragged bones harder than before.
I try to scream and cry for help, but I'm afraid it is no use...
It seems to me, that for years to come, I will endure this same abuse.
The spineless creature that digs his claws is an ugly, hideous beast..
he fills his wine glass with my blood and toasts to his fleshy feast -
He holds his knife to the dinner he craves and presses down so tight,
he quickly and swiftly slices the blade - a beautifully gory sight.
The little leach that sucks away my conscious reasoning
is sick and tired of my constant complaints and has forbidden bartering.
I beg and plead to take control, to pilot my own plane -
but the little leach would rather lead his army to slay the sane.
The thinking man is in his attic alone, writing to pass the time
recording every detail of every memory that he should have left behind.
It keeps him up, wide awake, nighttime doesn't exist in his cave -
his eyes are bloodshot, his hair is gray, he's run out of tears to save.
Lonely citizens of a broken city wander the streets they hate,
seeking shelter, needing nutrition, confused if they're too late -
there's no where to go, or even run, all that's left is to try to hide,
but the alley ways are filled to the top with the ones who have failed to try.
Feeling the pressure on my rib-cage with this circus of macabre below,
keeping distance from those who are only interested in a horror show.
Mastering the art of survival with a gun pressing to my head -
continue this course until the bottomless monster is happily fed.

You were never that almighty

I stand waist deep in the filth of what you've left.
You stand tall, scoffing at the ones below you.
I gave you so much and asked for so little in return,
but all you wanted was to cause destruction -
breaking every last bit of what you could get your hands on.
I thought you were something I could forget,
like the three month old gum on the bottom of my favorite shoes.
But just like that gum, I remember the details of the hatred I have for you.
Holding me back, keeping me down...
you were nothing but bad news with a pretty cover.
I read your sob story, I bathed in your tears.
I held your hand and I kissed your lips.
I waited months on end for the poison to seep out of my veins.
But you kept tempting me with your promises of better days.
Standing here now, I can hear the distant cries of all the others.
the girls; poor, sweet, innocent girls.
Corrupt them, waste them away - just like you did with me.
Who ever told you that you have the right to play God?

Queen of Bad Mistakes

We laid quietly and comfortably in our own little fortress -
a locked door and an empty house gave us the courage
to dive deeper into our pool of mutual tenderness. 
Our minds slipped away into a secretive hideout,
letting our bodies take control over what happened next.
The promising potential of creative deception
drew me closer to you than I should have allowed,
only disappearing when convenience was on your side.
Lingering emotions hold tightly onto my heart,
the grasp of curiosity digging it's claws
into the most important organ needed to survive.
You rode in dressed in armor,
swiftly conquering the guards
that surrounded the delicate castle walls.
Though now the times have changed -
you've become a traitor to our fortress,
to our kingdom of what-once-was -
You turned around so quickly,
revealing a side of my prince that I was not quite ready for.
Without hesitation,
you knocked the crown off my head,
wounding me in the process.
I look around at the damage you have caused,
setting fire to the kingdom I rely on for safety,
then galloping away on your masculine steed of ego.
I will clean up the mess for you this time,
troubled traitor prince of mine,
but in the years that follow,
I wish for nothing more than for you to leave me be,
quiet and comfortable in the solitude of my own little fortress.

Happy (belated) Birthday, little blog!

As of October 25th, my little blog turned five years old! It's so crazy... I can remember so well starting this blog. Sitting in my mom's old apartment, sixteen years old, damaged from a near-year's worth of chaos... I found peace in this blog.

My site has evolved so greatly over the years. With name changes and a ton of different layout styles, as well as my writing style and my subject matter. This blog has seen the darker depths of my life and continues to record them for me while I straighten out my thoughts.

For the  last two years or so I have severely neglected this site, but I have always considered my blog to be a safe haven of sorts. I know that if I ever need to, I can always post here and not worry about judgements from my readers. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through my journey, and thank you to all of those who have watched me grow along with this blog. You all mean so much to me. :)

Nothing Short of Miracles

The time ticks on as I lay awake,
your sleeping body tangled in the space next to me.
My mind is swimming in a sea of thoughts -
only some of which will be granted explanations.
The last few weeks have opened my eyes
to a entirely different way of seeing how things work.

As my heart pounds on;
as you continue drifting through slumber;
and as the television plays reruns of shows almost forgotten;
we are together not in conscious reality -
but instead we share something so much more.
The wonders you are capable of making me feel
are nothing short of miracles.

The night carries itself into morning,
and my insomnia is greeted
by the eight a.m. Seattle drizzle,
a leg that is half asleep from lack of movement,
and good morning kisses
from the only man I know
who can leave me breathless.

If Those Sheets Could Talk

We never said it,
but it was the most obvious thing we never noticed.
We danced around the subject,
promising each other things
that we knew wouldn't become reality.
We tried,
we really did.
Crossing fingers, shooting stars, prayers before bed,
it took everything we had to keep it alive.
Our hearts were in it for the long haul,
but our minds told us differently.
I don't think we could ever work out
the way two people should when they love each other.
I've accepted that you are not what I need,
and at this point you're not what I want either.
My heart has limitations on bruises,
you know.
I had to push you away
and I know it's for the best.
You twist my arm behind my back
until I cave from the pressure,
and I can't keep putting my heart in that kind of danger.
I don't know where you're going from here,
and it's no longer my concern.
You live your life,
and I shall live mine.
No more late night phone calls
to apologize for old actions,
which always leads to secrets kept
in between the sheets of your bed.
It's not that I regret what we had,
or hate you for what you've done,
because I could never.
I just can't keep trying to build something
that we both know damn well
is only going to collapse
when we reach unstable ground.

I thought this would help clear my head. I was wrong.

I'm stressed to my limit. I have been trying to keep myself calm and keep myself in check, but nothing is working. I'm finding that I have no self control when it comes to "dealing" with my stress, anxiety and mood swings, and I am doing things that are harmful. I know I shouldn't, and that's what's scaring me. I admit that I should not be doing these things, yet I still am, because it's easy and numbs me. I need to get out of this house more than anything. I know living with my dad is detrimental to not only my recovery for my mental health, but also my every day life. If leaving was an option, I would do it. But I know my dad won't let me come back if I do leave, and I quite literally have no money, and right now I have no way to make money. I'm tired of everything. I so badly just want to pack up everything and leave. I'm sick of not knowing how to help myself. I have no where to turn. I feel like I'm standing on a one-square-foot island that happens to be five hundred feet in the air with a volcano below it. One wrong move and I plummet downwards. The thoughts I'm having shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be thinking the things that I am, but I have no way to control it. I'm run down. I'm below empty. The last seven months have been hell. I just want this to be over.

Dirt

This feeling wasn't new.
We had been in this situation before,
more times than I could possibly count.
You apologize for your actions,
you seemingly care for a week or two,
then you are back to your old self.
I've said a thousand times
that I should just forget about you
and move on.
That would be easy,
if I hadn't wrapped you
so closely around my heart.
I have never understood
why I put myself
in the most vulnerable situations.
I treat you like a god
and you treat me like dirt.
The kind that you put in a pretty pot,
and plant a single flower in.
But then you forget about me,
the flower dies slowly,
and the dirt you have made me into
dries up quickly.

Copy Cat Monster

The darkness of the evening
was growing quickly.
The trees had become nothing more
than silhouettes with a moon lit background.
I sat on my porch,
staring across the street
in a increasingly growing drunken stupor.
I held my phone in my hand,
debating on whether or not to call you.
It had been a long time since we had spoken,
and I wasn't sure if I wanted to break that seal.
I lit a cigarette
and took a sip of my vodka and 7-Up,
as I replayed every encounter we ever had in my head.
It was awkward at first,
but that never stopped us
from diving into the depths of your blankets.
You would kiss my neck,
I would dig my nails into your back,
and we would dance along the mattress,
sweat beading on our skin,
electrifying everything we touched.
I shook my head
as I realized that I had let my cigarette burn to nothing.
I put my phone down
and finished the last half of my drink.
I couldn't stand the thought of you anymore,
and I certainly did not want to speak to you.
The fading memories of your voice,
your touch,
your smell,
your bed sheets;
they were slipping away with each drink.
It was that exact night
that I realized something vital.
I was becoming the exact monster
that I had always hated you for being.

A Bloody Mess

It could have been anything.
It could have been inhaling smoke,
it could have been the contents of a fifth
in the bottom of my stomach.
A line of powder,
a needle full of a brand new place,
or perhaps a bottle of pills emptied, night after night.
Instead of any of those,
I was cursed with something that few accept.
The bloody mess that is so closely related
is hard for anyone to accept.
It even took a long time for me to internalize it.
I've given up trying to explain my addiction to anyone,
especially the people closest to me.
I guess I just deal with things on a different scale.
On an addiction fueled scale.
I have encountered many questions,
specifically "Why?"
I don't know why.
I only know the emotions behind the actions,
but explaining the actions themselves
would be far too difficult.
I am at a constant war with myself,
Do I do it tonight?
Do I sleep this feeling off?
Do I listen to the voice in my head?
Or do I listen to the pain in my gut?
It has become something so much more
than I ever thought it would.
It is no longer a choice
of whether it's the 'right' thing to do.
It is woven into my veins.
It has seeped into my heart.
It is imprinted on my brain.
It is so deeply ingrained inside of me,
in a million different ways,
that it seems as if the only way to relieve it,
the only way to feed the monster,
is to do exactly what it is that I struggle with.
I thought the shiny metal
that I turned my back on three years ago,
would stay in the past,
where I hoped it belonged.
But there are some things
that you just cannot escape.
Let it be a pack a day,
a collection of empty bottles on your counter,
snow in the middle of summer,
a vile of purple skies and bending buildings,
a pill box of good times,
or in my case,
a sharp blade,
causing more and more problems
as it trails down my arm.

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago, I met a guy that changed my life forever. We dated, for a very short period of time, but we stayed in touch after that. We have been through ups and downs, fights and the exact opposite of that, and in the midst of it all, I fell madly in love with him. I don’t mean the kind of love that everyone says they have for people. Or the kind of love that is awesome and amazing. I mean the kind of love that is so raw, so real, that nothing else can match it. He saw into the depths of my mind, and it’s almost freaked me out how well he knew me. It was a huge mess from the very beginning, and we both knew it. I wasn’t emotionally stable to handle feelings of that magnitude, and he was just.. not ready, either. Him and I reached the end of our long and winding road the other day, though. It turns out that you really can’t trust people, even the ones you love and who love you back (apparently.) I would have given him the world if he had let me. But he broke, or more like annihilated, my heart for the third and final time. He will always have a place in my heart, and he will occupy the thoughts in my head for quite some time, I’m sure. Other than that, he has no place in my life whatsoever. I absolutely refuse to allow him back into my world, time after time, when he does this so often. I know he’ll never read this, but for what it’s worth, I hope he knows he’s an amazing guy and he could have all that he’s wanted and dreamed of… if he only accepted that people feel things other than hate. He can live his life any damn way he wants. I just hope he realizes that I will never be apart of it again. He burned too many bridges this time. I’d like to think that I mean enough to him that if he DID know that, it would finally get into his head. But I don’t think either of those things are going to happen. I’m finally saying goodbye, a year later. I know I will come back to him, in my mind at least, but he can’t do this to me anymore. He can’t play with something that he refuses to accept. My heart has become a marionette on tender, bloody strings. And that’s just not acceptable to me anymore.

ohmiiiigaaahhddd!

AMAZING GIVEAWAY!
^^Click!

Okay seriously guys this giveaway is so ridiculously amazing and I might die if I don't win it! Haha. But really I need to win. :D


Go to their site and check them out because everything listed in the giveaway is awesome and I'm excited to share this with you guys!


Go go go!

Well..

I guess I should tell you guys that I'm no longer engaged. The decision to end things was mine, but it still hurt all the same. All I will say about it is that he proved to me that he couldn't be trusted, and I won't put up with that kind of thing. On top of that, the last few weeks have been pure hell, and there's no other way to explain it. I have been on a very frail limb for the last few months and last Sunday, it snapped. I have been off meds and my bipolar has been cycling very, very rapidly and extremely harshly. It's all I can do to wake up in the morning. I suck at updating this as it is, but it might be a while before I can really get back into blogging. I hope all you guys are doing better than I have been, and that you are enjoying the Spring. Take care everyone.

Gears

The room is infiltrated with the smell of dryer sheets,
and it makes my already curious mind wander that much more.
I've been over thinking for the last four hours and twenty seven minutes,
and I honestly think I've forgotten to breathe a few times.
Music pumps through power cords and out of my tiny speakers
and I wonder just how many seconds I have wasted this evening,
clicking links and pressing keys,
mindless chatter with people that I've never even seen face to face.
It seems as if this is my usual day to day ritual.
I wake up, I open my window shade, and I get out of bed.
Within 10 minutes, I'm back in bed,
though this time I am not sleeping, or even laying down for that matter.
I just sit.
Unmotivated to do much of anything.
I try so hard to get up,
or to do more than sit there,
but it's as if the wires that connect my brain to my muscles have shorted out.
I curse myself for feeling this way,
and I curse whatever is malfunctioning in my head
that causes these feelings.
I glance down at the clock throughout the day
and it never ceases to amaze me how quickly one day passes,
and how slowly the next drags on.
I find myself distracted with thoughts of the most useless things.
I waste the day away with conversations that won't matter a week from now,
and think about things that should have been left in the past.
As the days slip into nights,
as they always do,
I lay my head on my pillow and I close my eyes.
Although my body is resting,
my mind will continue to work itself like gears in a clock,
chiming every hour during the night,
to remind me that it's still there.

EEEEP!

Well, wedding planning is underway! There are so many details that have to be figured out soon! We told my family on Sunday at Easter, and everyone is very excited for us. I'm so excited to start really getting things planned out! It still doesn't feel real... like I'm going to wake up any second. I really just cannot wait for it to be October! AHHH! I'm so excited! I just wanted to fill you all in for a quick second on that.. I don't really have much else to say, sadly, so I will leave you with some pictures of my babe and I! 

Take care everyone!

The Big Surprise...!

Okay guys, I couldn't wait any longer to share the awesome news with you all!

Keep reading to find out!

HOLY HELL!

Once again, 

I am a complete failure when it comes to updating this! 

I feels so bad, not just because of my followers, 

but because this blog has gotten me through some tough times,

 and now I seem to be neglecting it more than ever before.

Well, some big things have happened in the last nearly two months!

I am currently dating the most amazing guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting!

His name is Matt, and he's a sailor!

I live in a Navy town, so that's not too strange (haha).

Here's some pictures we took at Red Robin a few weeks ago!

Isn't he adorable?!
:D

Life has been quiiiite interesting as of lately,

and it just keeps getting more and more crazy!

But luckily, this time it isn't bad crazy...

it's busy crazy, and that I can deal with.

I had a job for about two months,
but sadly the position I was filling is no longer available.

I have been writing this post for the last week!
I keep forgetting it's in my drafts -___-


I have some REALLY exciting news
that I will post either later today or tomorrow..!

Oh!
Guess what I get to see tonight?!
TITANIC 3D!!!!!
I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!


Alright guys,
stay tuned for my exciting news!

Take care everyone!

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

I've been so busy lately! Last week I didn't have a single free day! I am pursing more photography opportunities, in which a promotion company here in my town asked me to be apart of their press team to photograph live bands! I also have a possible job lined up with my neighbor at her antique shop! Things are going well, but are also still pretty bad. Outwardly, everything is going great. Inside, though? Don't get me started. I switched doctors so I will have better access to getting my meds worked out, but it's still a long and draining process. Valentines day is also next week, and that always gets me in a weird mood. I hate that holiday. Though I know as soon as I have someone to celebrate it with, it will become my favorite. I hate that society does that do everyone. Last night was also the "Daddy Daughter Dance" that me and my dad have gone to for twelve years. It was fun, and I actually danced (oh my god, right?!) though the argument that ensued after we got home kind of killed the fun. I'll post pictures if and when I can of what we looked like last night! My dress was very pretty. There was also this little six year old girl dancing her ASS off last night. She was entertaining me like no other! Her fully sequined hot pink baseball hat helped add to her already outrageous swag. Hahaha.

I have also been back in contact with someone. You might remember Oklahoma? Well, yes. I'm sure you do. I've been talking (once again) to the guy I was supposed to move with. It's bittersweet. I love talking to him, and he's a wonderfully awesome person, but I know I'm not there and that sort of hits a nerve. It's not something I can fully explain through text on a blog, but just know that I'm trying my best to figure out my feelings towards all this. It's confusing, and complicated, though I am hopeful.

I've been talking to a bunch of other new people too, and it's really refreshing to feel accepted by new people. I've never really felt that before. I hope this continues. I need friends.

I will try my damnedest to update this more often. I know I have been promising that for the last eight months, but I'm really going to attempt this time. You can also follow me on tumblr, my url is dreamingofwildfires.tumblr.com

I love you all! Thanks for sticking by me throughout everything (`:

Until next time....!

It Snowed!

I'm a little late with the update on the snow, but last week the Seattle area got PUMMELED with snow. It was about four inches for us (and we always get the least amount seeing as we're four houses away from the water). I thought I would share some pictures with you all! Here are some of my favorites from last week!

It was SO cold

Running across the football field

Some random vampire snowman we saw, right next to a real life igloo!

Matt, Me and Frank!

Matt and Frank  getting ready to sled haha

THEY HAD AN AIR MATTRESS! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!

Did anyone else get snow?!

An Unspoken Invivite

Hey guys, another apology for being so lame at posting lately! I'm so so so sorry! I have had no motivation for much of anything the last few months. I'll probably post another update in the next few days or something. For the time being, here is something I wrote the other night.


A cigarette sits

between your lips.

You cough and you ache,

you claim you are numb.
I can't tell if you are being literal or not,

so I nervously look at my feet.

We stood there for hours,

or at least it seemed like that long.

I enjoy talking to you, though,

and I crave the smell of your cigarettes.

With that being said, 

we plan to hang out again tomorrow.

Your final inhale seems to last longer than usual.

You make eye contact with me the entire time,

and I feel as if it's an unspoken invite.

I grab your hand,

and tug you in the direction of my house.

It would only be a matter of time 

before the taste of your cigarettes

is transferred from your lips

to mine.

A (hypothetical) Hand to Hold

This is me. Well, me as a three (or so) year old. This is the me I wish I could say grew up. Something changed though, and that something remains burned into me forever. I know exactly what it was, which makes it a little easier to swallow, yet at lot more difficult at the same time. My childhood was not an easy one. Not in any way, shape, or form. I can literally say that it screwed me up beyond belief. The past few months have been weird though. I haven't been thinking about it as much, and if I do, it's more of "how do I move on from this" instead of a "why did this happen to me." Don't get me wrong, I will always wonder why it happened to me, but I've learned that I need to let go as much as possible. It's been thirteen years. A near year of abuse, and thirteen years later, I'm starting to recover. I can't tell you if I will ever forgive him for what he put me through. What he made my life into. But I'm learning that I need to let go of the hurt. The anger. The fear. There's nothing he can do to me anymore. That six year old little girl that he hurt so badly will reemerge one day. I've already seen glimpses of her, and I'm ready to see her fully. I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders and I'm figuring out I can do that easier with a hypothetical hand to hold. No one can do this but me, and I know it's time. It's time to tackle the emotions and the memories. From this day forward, he will no longer have a hold on how I live my life.