Soooo guess what!

So that cute boy and I are officially dating ^__^
We're keeping it off of facebook, though,
partly because my brother is on there...
heh.
But yessss, I have a boyfriend,
and he happens to be the boy I've had a giant crush on
since the first grade ;D
hahaha.

ALSO! I finished editing the pictures from this weekend! :D Go check out To Paint The Sky on facebook! (:
The pictures will probably be up on their page soon, so keep checking back to see them! (:

Take care everyone,
I'll be back at some point to write an actual writing (not just an update)
so stayed tuned for that (:

EEEEEEP! :D

TODAY
IS
MY
DATE
WITH
THE
CUTEST
BOY
EVER!

AHHHHHHH!
I'm so excited, and I still have nearly an hour and a half to kill before I meet up with him.. rawrrrr!
Maybe in a bit I will go take pictures in the park..
Yes, that sounds lovely (:

After agonizing over what to wear,
I finally decided on my black skinnies with the zippers on the back pockets,
a dark gray tank top,
and my Link boots!
(They remind me of an elf, or something of the sort, so they are my Link boots >:D!)
They tie up the back ^__^

AHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!
Everyone wish me good luck so I don't make a complete fool of myself..
hahaha.

Random old pictures of me from late 2007

Taken in December 2007.

Man, I was youuuung! Haha

(I was 16 in these)

I miss my hair like that!

I had a photoshoot today! Plus a date!

AHH! I had a photoshoot today! My friend's band, To Paint The Sky, asked me to do their Summer promo shoot! I am beyond excited to be able to work with such talented musicians! I will definitely post some of the photos here for you guys once I get them uploaded!

ALSO, I have a date on Tuesday...! AHH! I'm so freaking excited you guys really have no idea! I've known this cute boy pretty much my whole life, since I first met him when I was in 1st grade and he was in 3rd. He is my brother's childhood best friend, and I always thought he was just the coolest and cutest out of all my brother's friends. Now, fast forward to ages 19 and 22, and we are hitting it off amazingly well, and we have planned a date! A REAL DATE! And he's the one that called it that, not me..!

Summer is off to a rocky start, but I have a feeling that it's going to be AWESOME. Well, if things continue the way that they have been this last week!

My Maey's situation has not improved, but her spirits certainly have. Thank you to everyone that has sent thoughts her way. I will update you guys if anything changes. 

Take care, all! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend.

(:

Update (PLEASE read)

Hey everyone. I'm going to ask a small favor that will only take a few seconds (literally) of your time. My mom has just found out some really bad news, and I just need you all to send good thoughts her way, and if you pray, please take a second to include her in your prayers. My Maey is one of the kindest people I have ever known, and doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. But now the universe is pretty much screwing her over. Just.. please, take a second to send some thoughts, say a prayer, or anything. It would mean the world to me, and her. Thank you, guys.

I hope everyone is having a better day than we are.

Take care everyone.

Two Minutes Late

The rain pounded on my window
as I laid in bed.
My stomach still churning from the night before.
I had awoken just minutes ago,
but somehow I knew
that today would be the day.

I didn't really know what I was waiting for.
Was it the sand between my toes,
the sun in my eyes,
or the occasional mist of water
that sprayed up from the river.
I guessed "all of the above"
I was wrong.

You looked at me with that look.
Ohhhhh that look.
You knew it drove me crazy.
You knew it made me want to scream.
You knew all along.

The goosebumps trailed up my legs,
onto my things,
past my hips
onto my stomach,
and then jumped to my arms.
This was it.

I took a pencil and a piece of paper
from my desk
and sat down.
Then I switched the pencil for a pen
and I smiled.

The phone ran at 11:13.
I picked up,
said hello,
conversed for exactly two minutes
and seventeen seconds
and then said goodbye.
I looked at the screen on my phone.
Okay, so it was exactly two minutes
and eighteen seconds.
But who's counting?

The top Post-It had numbers written on it.
I looked a little closer.
It wasn't anything I recognized,
so I threw it away.
Hopefully it wasn't too important,
like the account number
for the bank robbery
that would take place tomorrow.

My camera became my boyfriend.
Literally.
I even slept with it.
But then I rolled over
and the lens cap jabbed into my hip.
I ended the relationship.
For now, at least.

I walked the plank.
That's what they told me to do.
"They" being the pirates that kidnapped me
three days ago.
I had been living the life I'd always wanted to.
But those three days went by fast.
I was now floating in a sea of despair
hoping that someone would save me
out of the kindness of their heart.

My iPod had broken
so the day fell silent.
I decided to go to sleep
but right as I was laying down,
I realized that I had a televison.

I waited for you to tell me
that I was beautiful,
or amazing,
or that you wanted me in your life.
But those words never left your mouth.
Your tongue never even quivered.
I was just a lost soul,
hoping and wishing
that it would change.

The train left the station two minutes late.
I wondered if this would be the tell-tale sign
to how the rest of my day would go.
I knew I had a long day ahead of me,
so I used my sweater as my pillow
and I watched "Chocolat"
without the sound.
I wanted to listen,
but I couldn't afford the headphones.

Half Past Two

I stood there.
Open arms, waiting to take in whatever came my way.
I never really knew what actually was going to come,
but I stood there anyway.
Most people told me I was crazy.
They said,
"You don't know reality."
I said,
"I don't want to."
Yet they never seemed to believe me.
I wondered if I even believed myself.

It was a wonderful start to a promising summer,
although the weather was anything but awesome.
I looked to my left and saw something I hadn't seen in years.
Maybe even a decade.
It put a smile on my face,
for I had not seen it since I was a kid.
A happy kid.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my time.
Though that always seems to be my problem,
so it wasn't that surprising.
Old friends and failed flings made their way back.
Back into my life, but never back into my memory.

I wanted so badly to tell you
that you were wrong.
To just scream in your face
and hope to god that you didn't hit me.
I didn't think you would,
but I also didn't think you would leave.

Playing the waiting game is what I never wanted to do.
Is it what anyone wants to do?
I think that summer day had me blinded.
Then the sun went behind a cloud and all was dark.
Well, as dark as it could be for a fairly sunny day.

I think you were scared.
Heck, I was scared too.
I wanted to run.
So far and so fast,
but then my conscience caught up with me
and I was right back where I started.

It didn't make any sense.
It never really does, though, right?
I mean, how can everything make sense all the time?
I've learned to file the facts away
and leave the rest up to fate.
Although that really makes me squirm.

Over and over
I played your song in my head.
Until my brain ran out of batteries.
Then I realized something.
Oh god, why didn't I realize this before?

There was nothing I wanted more
then to see what would happen
if I walked away.
I can't imagine you'd be sad.
In fact, I can't imagine you'd feel anything at all.

I woke up to the sound of sirens.
I laid in my bed and smiled
as I thought about all the houses,
and all the people.
Everyone that would be awoken from sleep
all due to a stranger's misfortune.

The clock stopped ticking
and I stared at my watch.
Then I remebered
that I wasn't wearing a watch.
So I stared at my arm
and when people asked what time it was
I looked at my freckles and said,
"It's half past two."

The night grew cold
as the sun went to sleep
and the moon came out of it's slumber.
I wondered to myself,
"What happens when the moon gets too tired
to wake up for the night?"

I stood there.
Open arms, still waiting.
I didn't think anything was going to come,
but I stood there anyway.
Most people again told me that I was crazy.
I told them,
"You don't know me"
They said,
"I don't want to"
And they never did.
I wondered if I even knew myself.

A Very Strange Realization

I realized something the other day.
I had a gut feeling that I already know the person that I'm going to end up marrying.
Which is strange.. because I am now being driven up a wall trying to think
about who that person may be!
My mom also told me that when she was my age,
she knew that she didn't know the person that she was going to marry
(And she didn't. She didn't meet my dad until a few years later!)
It's weird.
Very, very weird.

If you are my future spouse, PLEASE TELL ME! hahaha :b

Thrifting!

I'm getting ready to go thrifting with my mom! We'll be there when they open (St. Vinny's is having a 50% off EVERYTHING sale today!) and then we're going back when my aunt gets here around 11. SO excited!


What are some of your guys' favorite thrifty finds? :D

New Decision

I've decided something just now. Literally, I JUST decided it. It isn't a surprise to you guys that I struggle with self injury, and although I have been clean for over two years (after acting on it for six years), it is still a daily hardship. So in times like these, when it seems like nothing is going right and I just want to give in, I am going to cut. Just not my skin. I've decided that I'm going to cut my hair. Obviously I can't afford to cut my hair every single time I have an urge, but when I get really down and just want to change something, I will change my hair. Thinking back, I've already done this the last two break ups I've gone through, and my hair is starting to grow out just a bit too long. So I'm going to talk to my cousin (who is my hairdresser when we can figure  out when we're both free!) because I know that she will cut it exactly the way I want her to! This is a chance at me to find peace with myself. Plus, I'm kind of backwards from everyone else. I love change. Most people are scared of it, but I loveee it. I get bored so easily, especially with hair. So why not make a change to it when the going gets tough? Hair grows back, too, so if I ever don't like it, it won't stay that way forever! I'm already deciding how to cut my hair this time.. Stay tuned! I will post pictures as soon as I do it!

It never works out

I have this weird thing that I do. Well it's really not too weird, but I royally screw up every good thing in my life. I wish that things were different, because I was actually really happy. But no matter how badly I want that happiness to stay, it never does. If you couldn't guess, he walked away. For his own reasons, and with time I will accept that. But something else has me completely and totally confused. I can't get into details, for one reason or another, but just know that this mess will not be easily untangled. I try, probably too hard, to make things work out the way I want them to. Most likely because nothing has ever, and I mean EVER, worked out in my favor (Romantically speaking)... So where do I go from here? I have a twisted up, comfused heart, a head telling me to dig a hole and live under a rock, and the goosebumps on my body telling me I should fight like hell. The thing is, fighting like hell won't change a damn thing. That's what I truly need to accept.

Bring on the heartbreak.

I'm so goddamn stupid.

I want you to know

I want you to know that I'm trying. Trying to open myself up to you, trying to let you see the side of me that everyone else runs away from. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw us up. I like you far too much for that. I want you to know that you make me happy. So unbelievably happy. I can't not be in a good mood when we are together, and even though I miss you like crazy when we are apart, I just think about how awesome the next time we will see each other will be. I want you to know that I have some issues.. okay, quite a few issues.. but I am working on getting through them. I want you to know that I have a giant smile on my face right now, because I'm thinking about you. It's you, you, and you, in my head, at all times. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. You are everything I have ever dreamed of. You are the icing on the cake of this life that I have started to build for myself. You are everything to me. You are mine.

Rilie Rae!

Here are a few of the pictures I took today of little Miss Rilie! heheheheh!

Photoshoot Today! Plus a little story...

Today I get to photograph my dad's girlfriend's daughter's family! And yes, there is a little six month old baby involved! I pulled the wagon out of the garage and everything, it's going to be so much fun. SPEAKING OF WHICH! Ohhhhkay, so, our garage is detached from the house, and considering my house was built in 1918, the actual door for the garage is pretty much shot, so you can't get into it that way. So my whole life we've used the big door, the one that you would drive your car into.. if you could even fit your car into our garage. Well I got the wagon out and I closed the giant up and down door, and started cleaning up the wagon in the backyard. THEN IT HAPPENED. I heard scratching from inside the garage. My dad had heard this a few weeks ago, but when he looked around he couldn't find anything. Now, our garage is NOT that big. Like barely a one-car-garage. So after I heard it I grabbed the keys and opened the door, looked around with a flashlight.. andddd.. nothing. So the only possible conclusion is that there's a cat, raccoon, or.. OPOSSUM.. under the garage. UGH! So creepy!

Anyways, I'm so excited for this photoshoot, considering it will be the first time I've met little Miss Rilie! Like I said, she's six months old, but my dad's girlfriend's daughter and her family live in Oregon.. so this is the first time they've been able to get up here since Rilie was born! 

Take care everyone!

True Story

You're my cup of tea.

And that's saying a lot,

considering I don't even drink tea.

(:

Weekend with my boy!

So this weekend was amazing. Not only was the weather absolutely perfect, but I got to spend the entire weekend with my boyfriend! It was pretty awesome, and after a minor slip up with the ferry, he came over to my side of the water and we went exploring on the beach at the end of my street! Summer is officially hereeee.. so here are some pictures from Saturday!

 

 

My favorite picture of the day is the crab on it's back. It was such an awesome day, and continued into an awesome weekend. Although I'm going home tomorrow, I know that it just means that we will have an awesome and amazing time next week when I'm here again!

I hope you blogger fellows know how happy I am. This whole thing is truly wonderful, and I can't wait to see where the summer takes us. I can't wait for everything to happen.. just.. AHHHH! It's going to be so amazing. So freaking amazing.

The Perfect... everything.

 

I guess you could say that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the cameras to come out, Ashton Kutcher to pop out of my closet and say, "YOU'VE BEEN PUNKKKKKED!" It's too perfect. My life right now, it's TOO perfect. I'm enjoying it to the best of my ability, and deep down I know that it's finally my turn. It's my chance to have atotally awesome, AMAZING romance. Well, so far, so good. Except for the whole "me worrying too much" thing that's going on in my head. I don't doubt his feelings. What has got me all confused is the situation. As I said, it's too perfect. So, maybe it's just my messed up thoughts, my horrid past, or maybe, I'm self sabotaging.. again. I do this way too often. Maybe I'm supposed to be a hopeless mess. But I just want to be with him. That's it. Just him. I can't go five minutes without him crossing my mind. I can't go six minutes without thinking about one of the many amazing times we've had together. I can't go seven minutes without wanting to be with him. But eight minutes, that's where it gets tough. That's when I smile. I smile SO big, because all those thoughts combine into one and I am just overcome with happiness. That's what triggers the thoughts of "it will be okay." Those eight minutes of not even being with him, but imagining he was here with me. My problem is two things. One, I've been screwed over ten too many times, and I'm scared shitless of what will happen if someone actually treats me well. And two, I'm also scared of being happy. I'm absolutely terrified of it. I've hid in my little shell of depression for so many years, TOO many years, and I started to come out of it by myself and then baaaaam! He shows up. Just in time, because if I had gotten together with him any time sooner, it wouldn't have been the right time. I feel like it's the same with him, too. That we also got together at the perfect time in his life. Throughout reading this I've realized that I need to confront my fears. Because he is literally everything I've ever wanted, wrapped up into the cutest person. So I'll take it slow, realize that he's probably just as scared as I am, given everything, and that I need to open up the lines of communication, which we've already done a pretty fantastic job at. For the first time ever I don't feel like I need someone. I don't need him. But goddammit, I want him. I want every single part of him.

Deep Down

 

I am stripping myself clean of the insecurities that rule my life. My life is going quite amazing as of lately, and I'm sitting here worrying about what will go wrong. Deep down I have this gut feeling that nothing will actually go wrong, but there's all those other times running through my head. I have vowed to make this summer an amazing one, and my dad is throwing a wrench into those promises I've made for myself, plus my anxiety taking over... again. I want nothing more than to rid myself of everything that makes me think this way. The first step is taking more chances. I've already done quite a few with my boyfriend, even if they are little ones. I love the fact that he has faith in me. He believes that I can overcome all of this bullshit that goes on in my head, and he's made it clear that he's there for me ever step of the way. God, why is this kid so awesome? I hope he knows how much he means to me. I just cannot wait until this summer. The weather today is kind of being a tease, and this weekend is supposed to be around 75º! How awesome? I get to spend the entire day tomorrow with my man. Oh, on a side note.. I let him into a part of me last night that few have ever seen before. I read him some of the poetry I wrote when I was freshman in high school, and I read him about a total of two pages from the book I wrote. The book isn't that big of a deal, considering they started as blogs on myspace, so many people have read those words.. but the fact that I was on the phone with him, reading these things, with nothing but silence on the other end.. then, his reaction. The best reaction anyone could have ever given. I told him once he reads my book, he will probably see me as completely insane, but he doesn't believe me. I love that. I love that he doesn't believe the negative things I believe about myself. Ohhhh god, please let this last. I really, really, REALLY like him.. and for once, he really, really, REALLY likes me.

Summe To-Do List

It's JUNEEEE! That means the start of Summer! I'm so excited for this summer. The campout, spending time with thee boyfrienddd (who is going to the campout too!) and tons of awesome adventures that I'm sure will happen. I refuse to allow this summer to be yet another let down, I've had too many of those. So I decided to make a list of the things I'd like to do this summer. I doubt I will accomplish them all, but hey, it's better to have at least an idea of what you want to do! So here you go guys, my Summer 2011 To-Do List!

(In no particular order!)

• Road Trip
• Campout
• Go Skinny Dipping
• BONFIREEE!
• Dangle my feet over the edge of a cliff
• Spend the night in a cemetery (awake orrrr asleep :b)
• Point to a map and go where I point to
• Spend the night outside
• Go swimming in the ocean
• Have a midnight adventure
• Go to the ZOO!
• Movie Marathons (Scary movies, Star Wars, 80's teen movies...)
• Go to "Movies On The Roof" (It's a local thing where you watch movies.. on the roof.. haha)
• Take a bajillion and a half pictures!
• Spend as much time as un-annoyingly possible with my boyfriend
• Drive-in Movies!
• Picnics!
• WATER BALLOON FIGHTSSSS!

Hahahah well there you guys are! Those are the things I would love to do this Summer!

Anything any of you are looking forward to doing? I'd love to hear them!