The New Year

Well guys, it's upon us. We already have less than a year to live before the world implodes, or whatever (insert laughing audience here), but I wanted to take some time to review my year.. this might be a little difficult since I'm currently on Rissa's ipad but oh well!

This year I saw a lot of changes. The first quarter of the year was filled with a two week long relationship, a two week long job, graduating high school (FINALLY) and fights with my dad. That last one is pretty normal though. My relationship with my ex was an interesting one. In the end it boiled down to a lack of acceptance, and that was it! My job was at the corner store down the street from my house. Although my anxiety was was again a job killer, the relationships I made at CJ's (the store) are beyond awesome. They really are like my second family. Well, third. Rissa's family is my second!

The second quarter of the year was quite awesome, for one main reason. I met another (now ex) boyfriend and had probably the best relationship I've ever had. Granted it only lasted two weeks, but seeing as my record for longest relationship is only just over three weeks... Yeaaaah. Anyways! I had a wonderful time with my ex, and we are still good friends to this day. The beginning of summer was a lot of fun and I owe it all to great friends. I may not have a ton and a half of friends, but the friends that I DO have are some of the best out there. In May I celebrated two years clean from self injury. I cannot express how difficult staying clean has been. But I'm past two and a half years at this point and I'm still going. It's been rough. But I'm making it.

This July, my family and I were slammed with some horrible news. My Grandma Cath has stage 4 lung cancer. It's been difficult to say the least because, in the words of my grandma, "there is no stage 5." At this point it's pretty much just down to when. It's terrifyingly sad to know that someone so close to me and that I love so dearly is on the brink of death. I knitted her a hat, since she has no hair left, and she was so happy when I gave it to her. I need to focus on the positive. It's only going to get worse from here so I need to stay strong.

Summer was not what I was expecting at all. Perhaps it was because I was totally bummed out that I had to miss my family's annual campout, or maybe it was for some other unknown reason. Uncertainty sort of has a grip on my life, if you guys haven't noticed yet. I did have another short week and a half long fling with my brother's childhood best friend. Seven year old me was doing the happy dance, the at the time nineteen year old me just didn't feel that spark. We remained friends though, which is nice since I've literally known him most my life.

The end of summer was... (nearly) life changing. As you all might remember, I was two days away from flying to Oklahoma. I didn't go, due to a last minute change in plans on the Oklahoma side of things, and although I'm sad I didn't get to take the opportunity to get out of Bremerton, I'm very VERY glad that I stayed. You see, in order to move, I had to go off my bipolar meds. One of the ones I'm on is over $800 a month without insurance. While being off my meds, I cycled into a hypomanic episode in September and into October. I'm STILL dealing with the consequences of that one. I did some stupid stuff, but at least I had a good time while doing things! It was scary, because I haven't felt that intense of emotions since I was 15 (before I went on meds for the first time). It was relieving to some degree, and I say this for only one reason. It showed me that it's okay to be social. As weird and "well no shit" as that sounds, it's true. I had a great time and I didn't die, nor come close to it. I wish I could feel that way while being on meds. I miss the "middle fingers up I don't careeee" type of attitude. I miss it a lot.

My birthday was in early September, and I know everyone says that your 20th birthday is the lander one, but really, my birthday was horrid. My dad was on an Alaskan cruise with his girlfriend for HER birthday. Needless to say, I got the short end of the stick once again. I spent my birthday packing for Oklahoma (which then had to be unpacked) and sitting on facebook. Pinterest and tumblr were in there that day too, I'm sure.

The last part of the year has been crazy. I've been fighting like mad with the thoughts in my head, since I've been trying so hard to get my meds balanced correctly and effectively. It's definitely a process, one that I've been through half a dozen, if not more, times before. The last few months have flown by. Thinking back that my birthday was.. what.. four or five months ago?! Jesse! It doesn't seem that long ago at all! I met some great people, had some great times, and enjoyed life at some points (that's a bit of a challenge with me, by the way).

I think the best part of this year was the epic awesomeness that is love. Yes, dear followers, I fell in love this year. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but most of them have been good. I have only ever been in love one other time, but that was a long time ago, and with the wrong person. I couldn't tell you right now if I'm in love with the wrong person again this time. But I do know that time will tell, and if he is the wrong person, time will also heal me after the inevitable heartbreak. I'm letting things flow as they should, though. No more rushing things. Especially this.

All in all, this year hasn't really stood out compared to some of the others in the past. It was still a crazy year, sometimes down right depressing, sometimes awesome. I feel like this year has gone by entirely too quickly, but I'll just have to live with it!

Now, of course, it's time for my New Years Resolutions! I apologize in advance for the lack of bullets, as I said I'm on an ipad right now. (I also apologize for any typos and/or auto correct!)

Get serious with my photography
I have been wanting to pursue my photography as a business for years now, why wait any longer?

Cross off at least five things from my "list of things to do before the zombie apocalypse"
This one is pretty self explanitory. Oh and that's my term for Bucket List. I hate the phrase Bucket List.

Get in shape
This too is pretty obvious, but it's a good one. I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight or anything, I just want to get in shape!

Go back to school
This is something I've been wanting to do for a while. I hope I can make this into a reality.

Continue working on getting mentally healthy
This is a big one for me. It's important, but still a very challenging task. I must keep up with therapy and meds, as well as outside resources. By this I just mean other forms of help, like books and online articles.


Well now that i have written the longest text post on this ipad... I think I'll end it! But I would love to know what your guys' New Years Resolutions are! Leave them as a comment if you'd like!

Take care everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This is my spaz cat, Ghia. This picture was taken last year, but here he is with my dad's (very) old Santa hat on. hahaha. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday! I got to spent loads of time with family (I even got a hug from my brother! IN PUBLIC!) and I got a ton of camera goodies! I'm excited. What all did you guys manage to haul away with? I'd love to know!

I'm pretty sure my dad is passed out on the couch right now, and my cat is probably in his lap doing the same.


Take care everyone!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a gooooood night!

I want to tell you everything

I want to tell you how crazy you make me, but how it's the good kind of crazy. I want to tell you how you still, over half a year later, give me butterflies - even when I'm just thinking about you. I want to tell you that I love sleeping next to you. I want to tell you that everything that's happened between us has only made us stronger, in my eyes, at least. I want to tell you that I love who I am when I'm around you. I want to tell you that you occupy the majority of my thoughts. I want to tell you that sometimes, life has a funny way of working out. I want to tell you that a second chance is all I really want for the new year. I want to tell you that I love you. I'm more certain of that then I am of anything else at the moment. I've tried pushing you out of my thoughts because I thought it was over, but there's nothing I can do when I feel this strongly towards you. I love you. I've never said that to anyone face to face before, but that's my plan the next time I see you. Good god... I really love you.

I just had an epiphany while writing this...

There is something inside of me. Something beautiful, something bold, something brave. I feel as if my ribs are acting as a literal cage for this thing. It's like I have to explode before it will come to life, show it's face, and be seen by all. Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes of what I once was. I think that's the key that I've been looking for. I think I might have just had a mind blowing epiphany. Not only do I need to let go of the past, which is always easier said than done, but I need to let go of any preconceived notions that I am supposed to be a certain way. You might be sitting there thinking "how obvious", but I've never seen it until now. I need to let myself just flow. I need to fly. I don't think I've ever let myself just be. I know that it all plays into my anxiety and fear of others judgments, but holy crap. I'm literally freaking out right now. This is the craziest thing that I have ever realized. I need to let go. I need to be who I am. I need to forget what has been said or done in the past and realize that it's in the past. I am me. I am Alexa. I need to be proud of that, instead of ashamed of the things that are forever marked in my soul. I don't think I'm even explaining what's going on in my head correctly. This is such a big deal for me. The new year will bring a new me. I cannot wait. 

Boyce Family Christmas Party!

So last night was the annual Boyce Family Christmas Party. Seeing as a lot of changes were made this year, it still turned out to be a lovely evening! Here are some pictures that I got. I had a wonderful time this year, as I do every year.

Dylan, Max, Haley, Me, Aaron
Stefan, Heather, Rebekah and Ian

Dylan being... Dylan/

Chit Chatting!

Sasha, Hannah and Me!

Tongueeeees

My Grandma Cath and I (:

Aaron and I!

Me, My Maey, Rebekah and Heather!

It was a very nice day indeed. I will be back again (soon I hope!) with more updates. I feel so bad that I suck at blogging lately! I will definitely be back this week though. Take care guys!

Shipwreck

I have a knot in my gut. It's pulling me down like an anchor that keeps me near sanity. I'm on the brink of something terrible and I know this but I can't seem to stop it. I look at the crew around me, the shipmates that are my friends and family, and no one seems to notice that the anchor has failed us and are being pulled down. We are now under the waves, the current sliding us back and forth, back and forth, again and again. I look around once more and still no one notices. It's almost as if this ship is only in my head. We crash into the rocks and I don't even care anymore. I don't want to be bothered to hold on. It seems as if it's more effort to keep my head above the current than it is to just slip under the tide. Even with this realization I hold on. I hold on to anything I can wrap my arms around. Memories. Jokes. Talks. Hugs. Kisses. Feelings. Stable emotions. They call go flowing past my sinking ship. I start to lose my grip. I start to cry but my tears are mixed with rain, which get washed out to sea. They don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. To the ocean, my tears are just salty water added to the great mass that flows between the cities and towns. To me, though, they are waterfalls. Delicately falling when I have no other choice. The shipwreck that is inside my head is in the ocean of tears that fall from my behind my lashes. My mind is sinking, because it doesn't know how to swim. Soon my memories, jokes, talks, hugs, kisses, feelings and stable emotions will get swept out to sea. It's only a matter of time.

Update

I'm back to being Autumn and the Make Believe.

Life has been so hectic lately, if you couldn't figure that out by my posts.. or lack there of. I've just been trying to get a hold of my mind. Hopefully it will happen sometime soon...

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you are enjoying the Holiday season. I will try to be back soon with some writings, and hopefully some pictures. 

Take care everyone.

(Here's a picture I took the other day)

Just one of those days

I keep asking myself what I'm doing, but it's just that kind of thing you can't find a clear answer to. Is it wrong? It certainly can't be right, but part of me doesn't even care. How messed up is that? I'm tired of not being able to find clarity in the things I do. I don't know why I'm still acting like this. The urge to rebel and let loose is too strong, and it's hard for me to say "no" to my own mind. I'm not sure what's happening, or what to do about it. This is who I've always wanted to be. I should be happy. I should be out there doing what  I've been doing all weekend. Having fun. But instead I find myself eating popcorn and facebooking for the remainder of my Saturday. I've been truly enjoying myself the last few days. So why can't I accept that maybe that's who I am? 

You lied.

"I tried."
I whispered softly.
Probably more softly then I would have liked to.
Choking back tears was more difficult then I had thought.
"I know.. I know you did,"
You looked at me carefully as you spoke.
"It will get better."
I didn't believe you.
I couldn't believe you.
I wanted to scream at you for even thinking of saying that to me.
Instead I bit my tongue.
Literally.
You kissed my cheek
and you let me lay my head on your shoulder.
A whirlwind of thoughts flowed through my head,
one after another,
back and forth,
again and again.
I glanced up at you
and noticed you were starting to fall asleep.
Your eyelashes fluttered as I started to get up.
"Please don't go."
You muttered as you flipped on your side.
The floor wasn't very comfortable,
even with the blankets we had laid out.
I didn't say anything.
I just stood there.
I watched you smile,
open one eye,
and squint the other.
"Well if you're not leaving come lay down again."
You were so cute, but so demanding.
I decided that since I was indeed tired,
I should probably lay down.
We laid facing each other,
and you traced your fingers around my arm.
"So delicate... yet so chaotic."
You sounded slightly confused.
You had my complete attention
as you looked straight at me.
"I know you've heard it a million times,
but it will get better.
I promise."

Paper Cranes

This is a poem I wrote last night.
I hope all you enjoy it.


Just tell me it will be okay, just tell me that you'll always stay, and please don't throw this all away... but something tells me that you will, don't you know that I would kill? Just for a moment, a second of time, let's throw this back, let's rewind. We were happy once, can't you see? The past is the future and the past will once again be. The light is fading and the night is almost here, but don't worry my dear, there is nothing to fear. I will stand by you, hand in hand, and nothing will ever break that tie, except for you and your lies. So now we're sent into a tail spin, you promise me this would never happen again. I am begging you, knees dug into the floor, whatever you do, don't walk out that door. But even if you do, I know you'll be back, I swear that will power is the one thing you lack. We sit here fighting, day after day, trying so hard to get away but it doesn't even matter what we say, because although we become fragile like paper cranes when the words we speak seep into our veins, we can't stand to live without each other, we always find out way back to one another, that's just the way that our love goes, it's one of those things that nobody knows, except for the ones that understand they owe their entire being to the one they're seeing each night as they close their eyes, it's no surprise that you're the one I want by my side. Even though I feel this way today, who's to say you will feel the same way? As for you and as for me, that's just one of those things that we'll have to wait and see.

About Me

I wrote this on tumblr as my "about me" section, and I wanted to post it here hahah.

I'm Alexa and I'm twenty years old. Seattle is and will always be my home. I'm an aspiring photographer, like 99% of today's youth. But really, photography is my life. I found peace with myself through my lens, and I won't give that up. I have a slightly.. okay, who am I kidding.. I have an extremely strange obsession with Ted Bundy. Serial killers have fascinated me for most of my life, and for some reason I've always found Mr. Bundy to be of particular interest to me. My one regret in life is not being born before he was executed because I'd really just like to grab a cup of coffee with him and talk about life. No, I'm not kidding. Okay, maybe about the whole "regretting not being born yet" thing, but he really should resurrect soon. For science. Yes. For science. Not to be forced into a coffee date with me.... I love cats. And I'm really not just saying that for the sake of tumblr. I really do love all kinds of music, except country. Thanks to an ex boyfriend of mine, I started to listen to rap. I am, without a doubt, the only (white) girl I know that can rap the entire song "Money to Blow". I do this proudly. Backstreet Boys are my favorite, but most 90s music makes me insanely happy. If given the chance, or even when not given the chance, I will sing along to just about any 90s song that I hear. Particularly "No Scrubs". One of my favorite feelings is when I do something that I can cross off my "List of things to do before I die" (no. It's NOT a bucket list. I hate that term.) I love it even more when I do something off the list and don't even realize it until afterwards. My handwriting looks the best in thin point Sharpies, therefore I will use them at most times. I really love snail mail, so if you'd like to be pen pals, please do not hesitate to message me. My hair changes a lot. I hate long hair, and I always have, but this never seems to occur to me when I decide to grow it out. I then become overly frustrated with everything and chop it all off. This is documented over many years. It's a vicious cycle. More people should be aware of it. My mom is my best friend for many reasons, but the top reason as of lately is because she encourages me to stalk people. I hate licking envelopes and if I have to, I will make a very strange face because I think the glue stuff tastes like sour cat pee. To answer your question, no, I do not know what sour cat pee tastes like. But I can only assume it tastes like envelope glue. My ipod "notes" section would be a jackpot for blackmailers, as well as paparazzi's trying to sell my secrets to tabloids. This is why I have yet to become famous. I like contemplating things that some deem as "stoner logic", though I usually only think that way when I am completely sober. If you couldn't figure out by now that I am a weird person, then you, sir, or ma'am, are not very smart. Also, if you are still reading this, you should have a star on the Walk of Fame. Or a trophy. Or even a medal. But since I burned too many bridges and am unable to get people stars in Hollywood anymore (ugh, long story.), I don't know where I could possibly find a trophy shop, and let's be honest, medals are just lame compared to stars and trophies. So let's call it even and you can go draw your name in the fresh pavement that the road workers just poured down the street. Come on. You know you wanted to anyways. Think of this as a sign telling you that it's okay to do such intense vandalism. Okay seriously are you really still reading this?

Today, I start making changes

Today is the day. I’m going to start making changes in my life, thanks to the influence of a very good friend of mine. After going to that party last night and dealing with my anxiety as it happened, rather than running from it, I realized that I am strong enough as a young woman to start living my life. I need to get motivated, which I’m already starting to do. I have an appointment with a trade school this week to get information on dental assisting classes, and hopefully get set up with student loans or financial aid to get enrolled. I’m going to start working out more often, even if it means taking a jog around the park a few times a week. I know I need to feel how I want to feel, so I’m going to apply changes to my life that help me achieve that. When I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Even with the cat makeup, somehow un-smeared, still on my face, my first thought was “I look really cute for just waking up!” These are the kind of thoughts that I want to influence my life. After all this craziness (literally) with going off my meds, I’ve realized I need to not wait for life to come get me, because it won’t. I need to get up and get on the track that I have been trying so hard to get onto. It’s going to be scary. Hell, it’s going to be terrifying. But that’s life. It’s not going to be easy but this is my promise to myself, more than anyone else, that I will do what I need to do to get to where I want to be. This starts today.

Stranger Danger

Here's a bit of something that I wrote today,
I hope you guys like it! (:




I thought about you today.
But then I stopped myself.
Because thinking about you,
only brings back the heartache
that I have tried so hard
to keep out of sight.

I paced through the living room
while the TV played some horrible theme music
to an eighties sitcom.
I tried to hold it together
but it was no use.
I burst into tears
just as the main character
fell down the stairs.

You told me to "walk it off."
I tried, but I failed.
I failed quite miserably
if I remember correctly.
I think it was the concept
that I misunderstood.
I didn't really know
how to "walk off"
a broken heart.

Love wasn't enough for you.
I don't think anything was enough for you.
I could give given you a diamond
the size of a cantalope,
and  you still would
have stuck up your nose at it.

That was the last time I looked into your eyes.
Across the coffee table,
giggling uncontrolably.
I bet you thought
you had something to do with that, didn't you?
Sorry to disappoint,
but it was my medication
that had that effect on me.

I smiled at you from down the aisle.
You were picking up cereal
and I was putting syrup in my cart.
You were cute, very cute,
but I then remembered the "Stranger Danger"
video we watched in middle school.
Honestly, I think they should have shown us that shit
when we were still young enough to care.

I figured out I was stronger than you
the day I cried and collected myself
and you just stood there, stone-faced.
You seem to think that the fact
that you can beat me
at that stupid hammer game at the fair
makes you stronger.
You clearly know nothing about life.

Halloween Party!

So last night I went to my aunt and uncles Halloween party, and I dressed up as a kitty! Here are some pictures of my costume!

And of course, we have the picture that I couldn't resist taking....

And then there's the picture of me being pissed at Ghia for not cooperating.... heheh

Hahahahah
Hope you guys had fun with whatever you all did last night! (:

Another Redo... and an update!

So I just redid my blog... again. I bet you guys are getting sick of me redoing it so much, huh? I'm hoping that this new look will get me back into the swing of blogging!

Another new thing: I've started writing my second book! This one is more fictional short stories, and I'm really happy with the ones I've already written.

Thirdly, I have missed you all! SO MUCH! I miss talking with you guys through comments and I miss connecting with you all through my writing! It's making me very sad, which means for the month of November, I am making it a priority to blog again!

How's everyone's Halloween plans coming along? I'm sure a lot of you are going out tonight and tomorrow night to celebrate. I have a family party to attend tomorrow and I'm knitting my kitty costume! (Well, I knitted my ears... now  I'm knitting my tail and then my paws!) What are you all dressing up as?! I'm really curious to know hehe!

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you all with a lack of posting, yet again.

Please bear with me!

I will be back here just as soon as I can.

Take care everyone,

and please let me know what you're dressing up as for Halloweenie, as well as what your plans for Monday are! I'm very curioussss!

Once Upon a Time Home

This is a little something I wrote the other day in about ten minutes!
I hope you guys enjoy it, and of course, leave your opinions if you please!

Your crisp voice
still echoed through the house,
which we once called "ours".
I stood at the bottom of the staircase
looking up at the doors
to the bedrooms above.
It looked so different,
yet exactly the same.
The decrepit railing
that scaled the wall
acted almost as a frame
for the ancient wallpaper
that lined the stairway.
It was dark.
Darker than I remember it ever being.
I wasn't sure if the lights even worked,
but I was too frightened of bad wiring
to worry about flipping any switches.
I gripped onto the railing.
The stairs seemed sturdy enough,
but I was still uneasy
about the thought of them giving way.
I made my way to our bedroom.
Well, our old bedroom.
I walked into the vast space,
and laughed when I saw
the closet door,
still wide open.
You always had a problem
with it never shutting properly.
I closed my eyes
and took a deep breath.
I wanted to have
as much of a reminder of you
as I possibly could.
It's funny how when something,
or someone,
slips through your fingers
in the journey towards the light,
you tend to be reminded of them
sixty times more
after they're gone.
I have smelled this room a thousand times,
at least.
But it was this exact smell
that reminded me so much
of the late night talks in bed,
the early morning crossword puzzles,
the spilled coffee on the comforter,
and of course,
the constant fights
over the blankets.
I talked to you.
I filled you in on how I was,
what I was doing as of lately,
and I updated you on the cat.
I asked you how you were,
and what you were up to these days.
I asked if you had finally gotten
that law degree that you wanted
for so damn long.
I knew you wouldn't reply,
but even so,
I could have sworn
that I heard your still crisp voice
echoing through
our once-upon-a-time home.

Apology and Update (oh and a few pictures too!)

Hey guys,

I wanted to write a post for two reasons. First off, I really want to apologize to you guys for my lack of updates recently. I know a lot of you will probably say that I don't need to apologize, since it's my blog and I can post whenever I want. Although that is true, it doesn't change the fact that I feel so guilty for just randomly updating and barely posting anything that I feel is "good material". This leads us into reason number two for this post. Things have been... well, crazy around here. There's a lot of unforeseeable situations that have popped up, and it is my current goal to focus on getting myself better and stable. I really hope you all can understand this. To put it bluntly, I just don't have the energy or focus to sit down and write out a heartfelt post. You can, however, check out my tumblr page (click this) because I post random thoughts on there throughout the day. I wish you all the best in the coming days, weeks or whatever until I can fully commit myself to writing out "good" posts on here. Take care you guys, and thank you for all the continued support. 

Oh and here's some pictures I took yesterday - the weather was so fantastically fall!

These were taken at the end of my street! With the exception of the seagull, he was in the park (which is ACROSS the street from my house) Also, these were taken with my Rebel XS and my 75-300, except for the second one up from the bottom (the "chewed up" leaf) which was taken with my 18-55.

List of Things to do Before the Zombie Apocalpyse

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I hate the term "Bucket List" and I couldn't tell you why. It just really bugs me for some reason, so every time I think about what to add to my life of things to do before I die, I usually just say, "This is my list of things to do before I die." I could never think of an awesome name. Until today. I present to you: My list of things to do before the Zombie Apocalypse! Most of these things I came up with when I was 15, seeing as this list started as a Myspace blog. I added quite a few new things today. Also, there are some personal ones that I chose not to put on here haha. Without further ado, I give to you, MY LIST! (In no particular order, of course)

• Dance in the rain
• Get on a bus and go where it takes me
• Meet a serial killer (they should already be in prison when I meet them, though!)
• Learn to play guitar
• Watch all the Star Wars movies in order, all at once
• Go on a road trip
• Point at a map and go where my finger lands
• Jump on those shiny Christmas balls until they break
• Kiss someone in the rain
• Send a message in a bottle and hope to get a reply 
• Go skinny dipping in the ocean
• See a meteor shower
• Sit in a hotel room and order room service all day
• Own a pet snake
• Find a four-leaf clover
• Get wasted in Ireland
• Get married
• Start a family
• Beat my brother at a video game (like, play against each other at the same time and beat him)
• Get married in Evergreen Park
• Own a camera and not break it
• Make a list of 100 things that make me happy
• Talk on the phone for 24 hours straight
• Beat my record of 52 hours of no sleep
• Take pictures in a photobooth with my best friend
• Leave a 100% tip a restaurant (my original idea was a 50% tip, but my old friend and I left 100% one time!)
• Jump off a waterfall
• Get a secret on the post secret website or book
• Leave notes in books
• Attend a protest for something I believe in
• Earn my beads at Mardi Gras
• Attend New Years Eve in New York
• Be kissed at midnight on New Years Eve
• Meet a hobo and talk about life
• Write a book
• Kiss someone in the middle of an airport
• Ask a stranger out on a date
• Visit a haunted asylum
• Dangle my feet over the edge of a cliff
• Meet someone with the same name
• Receive a letter in a foreign language
• Pick a daisy and see if he really does love me or not
• See for myself if the world is round
• Have a picnic in a tree
• Make out with someone in an elevator
• Get something besides my ears pierced 
• Get a tattoo, or two, or three...
• Play strip poker
• Beat Hayley at Kick the Fire Hydrant 
• See the Titanic artifacts... again
• Spend the night in a cemetary 
• Have a food fight
• Visit all 50 states
• Ride a bike into a lake
• See the Wizard of Oz on the big screen
• Watch all the Indiana Jones movies in order
• Go to Egypt
• Walk to the top of the Empire State Building
• Complete a New York Times crossword puzzle
• Overcome my phobias
• Sponsor a child in a foreign country 
• Get my kicks on Route 66
• Do something completely spontaneous 
• Go to a bonfire on the beach 
• Have my photography put in a gallery, even if just for a show
• Make a positive impact on someone's life
• Get my book published
• Do something unbelievably kind for a stranger
• Rebuild my relationship with my brother
• Host a dinner party
• Host a Titanic themed party
• Knit something for a cause
• Go on an African Safari (Awesome camera and/or lenses required!)
• Go snorkeling in an exotic place (aka not Seattle)
• Go on a helicopter tour of Seattle
• Have a coffee date and/or dinner date with someone I never imagined being able to meet (Anyone have Edward Norton's phone number..?!)
• Have a coffee date with a complete stranger
• Ride in a limo
• Meet my online friends and acquaintances in person 
• Attend at least one Fashion Week
• Start a collection of something I love
• Stay in the Hotel Chelsea 
• Open my used bookstore/coffee shop/venue
• Create an artistic family tree

My Bro!

I'm pretty sure this is the only picture in existence of my brother and I when we are both over the age of 12. More importantly, it's one of the very few pictures in which he's smiling, and not making a face at the camera. (Something he is infamous for.) This picture was taken in November of 2008. I was 17 and he was just about to turn 20. It's strange to think, and somehow I just realized, that my brother is 20 in this picture. That's how old I am right now. Hm. My brother and I have been through quite a bit in our lives, most fighting and name calling (to the extreme) once we hit our teenage years. I know that once my emotions took full control of me once I turned 15, he was bitter towards me. My relationship with my brother has always saddened me. I think back to the days of Snorlax beanies, Grimmy, Louis, Barbie cars, radio shows on the voice recorder, fighting over who was to open the first present on Christmas (until my parents decided to give us each a small present to rip open at the same time!), hilarious dinner table stories, and of course, "Can I have a dollar?" All of these things are such prominent pieces of my life, and I truly cherish them. My brother will always be my brother, but I feel as if I've missed out on so much of us being siblings in recent years. I love him so much. I wish he could see that I'm not the annoying little 12 year old girl that I used to be (Nick, if you ever read this, this is proof! I admit it! I was an annoying little kid!) I always wished I had the kind of relationship with my brother that my friends have with theirs. I want to be able ask my brother for advice on things, and talk about the nerdy things we both enjoy. I want to be able to invite him to go places with me without it being awkward. (Then again, I AM an awkward person... so most things turn out that way.) I want to be able to hug him without him freaking out, or even worse, just standing there while I DO hug him. I will admit, things have gotten better over the last few months. His birthday is coming up in just over a month from now, I'm trying to think of something awesome to make him again this year. (This is what I made him last year! It's a 'quilted' 8 bit Link that I then sewed on to dark green fleece for a blanket!) Well, that concludes my vent-sesh about my brother!

I've been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don't adverise

Okay, so I had to use Bright Eyes lyrics for this title.... it just fits.

Anyways, I have been having the most interesting and bizarre dreams the last week and a half or so. There was one about Disneyland, British punk kids, driving a tram through a crowd of people, and my brother getting mad at me for making his mini taquitos. I had another one about a GIANT glass building, like ceilings, floors, walls.. ALL glass, and that was the entire town. Some weird stuff happened in that one. I had another one about ghosts, and something that I will never repeat. Ever. I've only told my mom about it and it terrified me. UGH! Then last night I had this one....

So this is only the end part, because I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of the dream.

I was in the 50s, driving my car with some guy that I had just met (he was in a different car) and I was telling him about the people that I had hit while driving, and he asked me to take him back to the place it happened so I was driving back and hit a telephone pole but then I showed him where the bodies of these two teenagers were and he told me to park my car and follow him to get away from possible police...

So then we walked up this extremely short yet verrrrry steep hill that lead to this tinyyyy town (like literally the entire town was one street) and we had had to block our faces from the 10 or so cars that drove past us... I'm still wondering why there were ten cars driving down this hill that was literally only like 50 FEET long... Anyways, we were going to go into this bed and breakfast that had two stories to it, since all the other buildings were one story, and the guy I was with explained that if we got a room on the second floor, we could see the accident site in case the police came. but I told him "no I want to go here because the floors are closer together" (yeah I know, wtf?!) With that said, we then went into this laundry mat place and there were a few other people in there that had all been traveling and one of them had a bunny and let it out and I was playing with it and stuff. Then one of the random people there was like "we have to go" all seriously and a bunch of people were getting ready to leave but then I woke up

 

So now that I'm awake, I don't understand why it was so important to get away from the crime scene when we had left our cars on the side of the ride RIGHT THERE....

 

Also, I just realized the strange link between this all.

The cars we encountered on the hill were all driving down it.

Not a single one went up.

Well this town was the only thing at the top of this hill.

And then when the laundry mat people that were traveling through town

suddenly "had to leave"?

I don't know what it means

but it's creeping me out now...

Happy Birthday, Little Blog!

 I can't believe it! My blog is FOUR YEARS OLD! I don't remember it's exact birth day, so I instead celebrate it's birth month. I realize that it's already nearly halfway into October at this point, and I really can't believe that my little blog's birthday slipped my mind! So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BLOG! It's no longer a baby! I would also like to thank all my readers for sticking with me, and reading through my ups and downs and side to sides! I am very grateful to have such wonderful readers with me every step of the way. Here's to the next year of writings and pictures, updates and rants. I hope to continue to grow as a blogger and I can't wait to see where I am in the next year, especially with the fact that I MIGHT (maybe, not for certain yet!) have some wonderfully awesome news for you guys! Stay tuned and, like always, take care.

Hope

The moonlight bounced off the pavement,and I watched in amazement
as the stars floated,
millions of miles above me.
They were so far away.
Too far, really.
I would never reach them,
as hard as I tried.
Even the tree branches tried.
Stretching out, up and over,
all different directions...
they all wanted to touch the stars,
but they all failed,
just like me.
But night after night,
they begged for the strength
to reach up just a few more inches.
Perhaps in a couple thousand years
they will be tall enough
to grasp one of those twinkling balls of light,
and pull it back to Earth.
Hope.
That's all they really needed.
The trees and their branches,
with hope, I am almost certain,
could reach the galaxies
far above us,
and touch a star.
There were a few
that I know most definitely had hope.
Although they did not speak to me directly,
they confided in the leaves,
that would in turn leave their branches,
and fall to the ground.
With a gasp of air,
as they were being strewn about by the wind,
the leaves would tell me these secrets of the trees.
It was always their dying words.
There was one tree, in particular,
who seemed to be a bit wiser than the rest.
He was knotted and rough,
his bark had worn off in places,
there was a bare spot where no leaves had ever grown,
and there was a small scar on his trunk,
from when that punk kid in the 50s
stabbed him with a switchblade.
He angrily told me about that day,
but finished with three slightly quiet words,
"Hey, who cares?"
He was taller than the rest,
and talked often about the stars.
I made it into a daily ritual
to sit next to him,
and laugh about the wonders of the world.
I told him about the snow in Canada,
the rolling hills of Ireland,
the waves in Florida,
and the skyscrapers in New York.
He wasn't even bothered a single bit.
I always found it strange
that he was never upset about the fact
that he would forever remain in the same place.
Continuing our conversation,
he laughed when I mentioned
that the moon seemed bigger in Europe.
With a curious tone to his voice,
he simply asked,
"But have you ever noticed that the moon,
no matter where you are,
always has the same spots?"
I thought about it.
He truly was a wise tree.
I smiled and asked him
one simple question.
"What's your favorite thing about the world?"
He chuckled.
"Oh dear.." he started.
"...the stars, of course.
Have you ever just stared at them?
They're beautiful and mysterious...
they bring me the most joy out of anything."
I smiled.
Probably the biggest smile that has ever presented itself on my face.
My cheeks hurt and my eyes were squinty.
He talked for the majority of the evening,
his voice only occasionally interrupted
by the sound of my laughter.
He spoke of many things,
mostly the 60s and 70s.
He told me great stories about
pot heads and junkies,
addicts and 'the crazies',
as well as how he was almost positive
that Kurt Cobain himself
took a drunken piss on him
sometime in the 80s.
When the night sky had blanketed itself above us,
I told him it was time for me to head home,
so I could sleep.
Although I never saw his face,
and I honestly couldn't tell you if he even had one,
I could tell he was sad.
"I've had so much fun today.
I hope you enjoyed listening to my ramblings,
as much as I enjoyed telling them."
He sounded like he might cry,
from nostalgia or sadness,
I was truly unsure.
"Watch the stars, m'love"
He said, once again sounding like he was on the verge of tears.
"Watch them carefully.
You never know when they will disappear."
"Of course I loved it.
I don't laugh like that for no reason!"
I said, as I was turning to walk away.
"Take care, good sir.
I will be back again tomorrow,
and I will watch the stars,
and as I do, I will think of you.
I promise."
And with that I started my journey home.
As I slept,
I dreamed of the junkies and 'the crazies'
that my friend had spoken about.
I woke up the next morning,
got dressed, put on my shoes,
grabbed my keys,
and headed out the door.
I was excited to talk to him again.
It was strange that my best friend
was a tree.
I laughed at the thought of this,
and how I was possibly one of 'the crazies'
that my friend had so lovingly poked fun of.
I turned the corner
to where my friend, of course, always was.
I stopped.
Straight in front of me
was a gaping hole in the sky.
Where his branches always reached up, out and over,
there was nothing.
I shifted my eyes just barely to the right,
and I saw a truck,
driving away with logs on it's bed.
My mouth hung open as I tried to hold back tears.
I went to where his stump was,
his roots still firmly planted into the ground.
I sat down next to what was left of him.
I started to speak,
but something caught my eye.
A small ball of ash,
no bigger than the button on my jacket.
This time I smiled.
I wasn't sure if what I thought it was,
was what is actually was,
but I left it to my mind to believe that it was indeed
a star.
I licked my finger before placing it onto the star,
a little trick my parents taught me before touching the stove,
to make sure that it wasn't going to burn me.
After figuring out that I wasn't going to die from picking it up,
or perhaps turn into Jordy Verrill from Creepshow,
I picked it up.
I said a proper goodbye to my friend,
and I told him I would keep my promise
to always carefully watch the stars.
I put the star in my pocket,
as corny as that sounds,
and decided to walk around town for a bit.
After wasting several hours looking into shop windows,
puddle jumping,
and nearly getting run over by skateboarders,
I walked home.
Along the way,
I came across a few kids.
They were climbing the trees,
which were much smaller than my friend,
but seemed to fit these children much more properly.
I asked them curiously what they were doing
at nine o'clock at night,
climbing a tree.
The answer I got was obviously from an eight year old.
"We're trying to catch a star, duh."
I clenched my own star in my pocket,
smirking to myself.
I told them one thing, and one thing only.
"If you keep your hope alive, you'll reach it.
My friend got one last night."
I smiled just enough for them to see it.
"Good luck."
I said as I walked away.
I can only imagine what they said as soon as I turned my back.
But I knew they would understand one day.
I received just about everything
that most people long for their entire lives,
within just a few short weeks.
A best friend,
some great conversation,
a real, straight-from-the-sky star,
and most importantly,
hope.

Your Words

I tried to explain my reasoning to you,
but your eyes bore into me,
making it clear that you in no way
wanted to hear my explanation.
I flicked my eyes back and forth
between your cold stare
and your pierced lips.
I could only assume
that your tongue laid gently in it's resting place,
completely unaware of the thoughts,
cycling through your head,
that would become the ammunition
for the battle that was about to ensue.
Your tongue was enlisted
as the commander for an army of words.
Your words.
The ones that I used to listen to,
the ones that I used to believe.
Now, nothing but your cold heart fuels these syllables,
strung together by the thread of intent.
Intent to harm, to scare,
or even to puncture the trust we took so long to build.
Your words continued to pour out of your mouth.
By this time they were all floating around you,
unable to find the passage way
into my ears.
With every passing moment
the sea of lost sentences was becoming deeper.
Consuming us both, we sank beneath the surface
of the waves and the current.
I tried to swim,
I tried to hold my breath,
I tried to keep my heart beat stable.
Try as I might,
your words were too strong,
and I was pulled farther down.
Not only were they now filling up my ears,
but they were seeping in to every crevice possible.
I became bogged down,
too heavy to lift even my head above the waves.
I watched the light as it slowly faded to black.
Surrounded by your words,
I took a deep breath.
I closed my eyes
and I let myself sink.
Never in my wildest dreams
would I have thought that this would be the end.
Drowning in your living room,
the television as background music,
and the sun, beating through the window,
illuminating the usually dreary house.
After all the hate had penetrated my heart,
and all the screams rang throughout my head,
my mind was only concentrating on one thing.
I once again closed my eyes,
and smiled as I thought,
"It started off as a beautiful day."

Frustration

I have been so frustrated with the fact that I feel like the majority of my friends don't take me seriously. Don't get me wrong, there are a few who support me completely, but there's quite a few of them that I just feel could care less, or think that I'm not serious about things. For instance, if I try to contact a friend of mine about modeling for me for a shoot, she doesn't even respond. Yet she has a friend who JUST started taking photos, and she models for her all the time. Things like this happen more often than not. I'm not going to kid myself either. I know what people say about me when I'm not around, because I have friends that tell me when other friends are talking badly about me. This really, truly does not help my social phobia. Stuff like this happens all the time and I really just don't understand WHY. I also don't understand how some people have a million friends, best friends by their side, and yet they are horrible people. That's just a generality, I'm not thinking of anyone specifically, but it really does confuse me. I'm probably the least conceited person on earth, but I know that I'm a good person. I have a great personality. Why the heck can't other people see that?!

PS. 

Leslie move to Seattle.

kthanksbye.

He Might Have Brain Damage

I asked you what you were thinking about.
You smiled slightly and shook your head.
"Nothing." you said.
I imagined the worst,
so I walked away.

It was a 93 degree day,
and I was making a pizza.
First mistake.
I put the doughy, cheesy goodness into the oven
but forgot to set the timer.
Second mistake.

"Talking about it will make you feel better."
That was true,
except for the whole
"scaring people away"
thing.

We fought over everything.
Who would walk to the dog,
where we would go out for dinner,
who left the toilet paper holder empty.
It ended with me walking the dog,
and you picking the restaurant,
but I refused to take responsibility
for you not putting on a new roll.

My cat was a strange one.
He runs around the house,
chasing nothing.
He tries to eat his tail,
and he even ran into a wall once.
He might have brain damage,
but I guess we'll never know.

Watching trash tv made my life better.
"How?!" you might ask.
Well, I'm not 16 & Pregnant,
I don't have any Sister Wives,
I'm not going to have a Big, Fat, Gypsy Wedding,
and I won't be on Maury, middle fingers up, screaming,
"YA'LL DON'T KNOW MEEEEEEHHHH!"
I don't think, at least.

I hadn't really been outside in days.
I hadn't gotten on my treadmill in weeks.
I hadn't read the newspaper in months.
But I got a tiny bit of rain on me while getting the mail,
I chased my cat around the house,
and I was on Facebook the majority of the time.
They call it a news feed for a reason, you know.

Watching CSI, Criminal Minds, and Law and Order
REALLY came in handy.
I could kill someone,
clean up the crime scene,
evade the FBI,
and get off with an insanity defense.
But television and real life are really different.
No one will ever understand how mad I was
when I found out that Jack McCoy WASN'T the DA.

Fear is no longer an option

I can honestly tell you that I have waited years for this moment. For the world around me to stop spinning, the clouds in my head to dissipate, and the stinging in my veins to become an occasional mishap. I look in the mirror and I see life. I see the beauty in myself, in everything that I am. I couldn't even begin to explain how this happened. How the smile on my face became genuine, and not forced. How I can now interact with people without thinking the worst. How you can see the light in my eyes for the first time since I was six. The point being, it's all happening. My life is beyond amazing and I didn't do a thing. I have been off meds for a while now, and I have dealt with some extraordinary things. Things that I had a harder time dealing with while ON meds. I think back to being fifteen years old and how far gone I was. How out of my head I was. I even think back to being seventeen years old. Being on eight different mood altering medications. Trying to end my life. Even a year ago, I was in a better, but still not so great place. I could feel this coming on for the last few months. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that a switch was flipped in my head. I woke up one day and I could feel the sun on my skin. The wind on my face. The cement under my feet. I woke up one day and I knew. I knew that I was alive. And being truly alive is a better feeling then any medication could have ever given me. I can feel life around me. I can feel life inside me. I am Alexa. I am strong. I am a survivor. I am alive.

Autumn

Autumn is officially here. Seattle saw it's usual weather cycle this weekend. Bright and sunny, then pouring rain, then super crazy winds. Oh, and a power outage! I spent my weekend with my friends, over on the Seattle side. I left Friday and just got back last night. The last two days of my little adventure were beyond words of explanation. I seriously cannot begin to tell you guys how awesome I have been feeling lately. I'm sure I will post about that soon, seeing as I started writing about it while laying down last night. I really like the track that my mind is on, and honestly, I feel so free. I like this feeling. This feeling is AMAZING. I hope that this season is awesome. I don't have any expectations, I just have that gut instinct that has me really excited for Fall/Winter. I'll be back either later today or tomorrow to fill you guys in on that feeling I was talking about earlier. Take care.

The quarter that was needed to do just about anything

A year ago, if you had asked me about a specific family member of mine, I would have told you how awesome she was doing. How much she laughed, how much she cared about herself and others. I would have told you that she was going to live a full and amazing life. I would have continued to tell you that until July 3rd of this year. That day will forever be burned into my memory. My mom walked in, zombie-like, not much color in her face. I turned to her and simply asked, "What happened?" She started to speak but the tears got the best of her. Earlier that week, my grandparents had sent out a very cryptic email saying that all my mom's siblings needed to meet at their house for a chat. Of course, no one assumed it was going to turn out the way that it did. The gossip started as soon as everyone had read the email. "Maybe they're moving!" "Maybe they're getting rid of the dogs?" "Maybe... no, nothing could be wrong." Although none of us wanted to think about it being possible, it was. My grandmother, a strong, life-loving woman, revealed that she has stage 4 lung cancer. Cancer. MY Grandma Cath?! Not possible. No way, no how. My mom choked back her tears as she told me the news. I instantly felt my eyes start to swell. Memories of her started to circle through my head. I felt as if an emotional tornado and just come through the room, it started out perfectly fine, and now everything had been ripped apart. Emotions were running haywire, tears were falling from our faces. My grandma was apparently in good spirits, which was to be expected, seeing as she IS my Grandma Cath. Somehow, though, I knew it wouldn't stay that way for very long. Not only was it effecting her lungs, but the cancer had attached itself to her ribs, and there was speculation that it had spread to her brain. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of her being sick. To this day, I have a hard time thinking about it. Memories continue to swim in my mind. The wine testing t-shirt that I always asked to sleep in. The cameo music box. The quarter that was needed to do just about anything. The fact that when I was a kid, I learned she was 56 years old, and for some reason I still think of her to be that age. My cousin Haley and I counting all the clocks in her house, and then having her laugh because we missed an obvious one. Donut holes and my loose tooth. Oyster crackers. The list goes on and on and I will forever cherish those memories. I know that it's going to be unbearable when she has to go, but I'm trying my hardest to live in the moment and think positively. For now I will continue to visit with her, and talk and laugh. Oh boy, do I love to hear her laugh. I think that's all I really can do. Make the best of our time. My bit of advice for anyone who is struggling with anything similar to this: Laugh. Keep laughing until your stomach hurts and you can  barely breathe. Then laugh a little bit more. It makes it all just a little more bearable. I promise.

The Woods

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to venture into the woods with a friend of mine, Alexandra. We talked and laughed, took pictures and had a really great time.These are just some of the photos that were taken that day, and I am more than happy with them! I'm really excited for the two of us to meet up again and take more photos.

 I really want to get back into photography. I feel like it was pushed to the back burner this summer, and that really frustrates me. I love taking pictures. It's something that has brought a lot of happiness into my life since I started four years ago, and I just don't like seeing other things take over. Especially mindless things that don't really have a permanent place in my life. Okay, I'm done with that tiny rant.

Once Again!

Well I redid my blog, AGAIN. I've been having that urge to revamp it for a while, and since I finally finished cleaning today, I figured that I would reward myself a little bit! As you can see, I renamed my blog as well. I absolutely LOVE Autumn and the Make Believe, but it just got to be a hassle trying to type it out all the time. So, I present to you my new and improved blog: Crooked Clouds! I really hope to start jumping back into the blogging world again, I just haven't had much time lately, and I have been having writers block... UGH! I promise you all though that I will be back into the swing of things just as soon as possible. How are you all doing? Hopefully well. I have been doing pretty well, all things considered. I really want to go back to school for Winter quarter, seeing as I missed Fall quarter (they started today) but I have to convince my dad to pay for it... yeah, it's going to be quite difficult. Anyways, that's where I'm at with life! Anything you guys are curious about? I feel like there's a gaping hole with my life here on blogger.. so if you guys are wondering about anything that's going on, please ask! I have a lot going on and I know I'm probably forgetting SOMETHING that you guys want to know! I say this a lot, but, take care everyone (:

Update

It's been a very eventful two weeks. I have gone places, done crazy things, quite possibly could have gotten arrested (more than once) and hung out with some awesome people. Now I am back to the real world, still in Seattle, all while rethinking my entire life. Things have flipped in totally new directions and I'm honestly terrified. My current "home" is doing nothing but bringing me down further, so I'm trying to untangle that mess, as well as trying to figure out money, schooling, emotions and a brain that over thinks just about everything. Deciding on what you want to do with your life is quite horribly frustrating, as I'm sure most of you know. I've bounced around from photographer to writer to used book store owner to dental assistant to joining the military. The last two have me in shock. I have so much to think about, so much to do, in such a little amount of time. My dad is not supporting anything I try to do, which is stressing me out even more than I was in the first place. I feel like I've put my biggest passions to the side. Photography is on the back burner until I can figure all this out. I have been neglecting my poor followers (that's you guys!) with a lack of updates and posts. I also feel like my head has been spinning so much that I can't write, which frustrates me probably the most. I really don't want to be in this situation, but here I am, and I can't stop it. I will try my best to keep you guys in the "know" about what's going on, but as for now I must go clean and think. I hope you all are doing well and if you're starting classes good luck! Take care everyone.

Long Story Short

Well, to make a very long story short....

I'm not in Oklahoma.
I am still, sadly, in Seattle.
The last week has been craaaazy fun though,
so I'm not complaining too much.


It's funny how fast life can change.


Oh and periods suck.
In case you didn't know already.

20!

It's my birthday!

I'm 20 years old as of today!

I'm no longer a teenager!

WEIIIIRD!

Oh... my... GODDDDDD!

Friday, September 9th at 11am my flight leaves from Seattle.
I cannot believe this is actually happening.
HOLY SHIT.
Someone pinch me...
:D!

Knees

I was browsing through my deviantart the other day, which I haven't updated in quite a long time, and I stumbled across this picture. I remember taking this, I believe it was the end of 2007. As many of you know, I was not in a good place back then. I see the thread anklet that I wore for about a year and a half, and I found it last week actually. I also see a healing cut on my left leg. That was my "place of choice" around the time this was taken, although my addiction grew stronger and stronger and soon it didn't matter where I hurt myself. The one thing this picture reminds me most of, though, is being a little kid. As crazy as that sounds, since I was sixteen when this picture was taken, it truly reminds me of being a small child. The reason I say this is because I had a terrible anxious habit as a kid. I had many, actually, including peeling paint from the walls around my house. There are still spots on the mantle and doorways where the paint has been peeled away. Before my dad and I painted my room two years ago, there were scratch patterns around my room on my walls. The thing that is kind of creepy about it? Whenever I moved my bed, the scratch patterns would move too. It makes me wonder how people didn't see something was wrong with me as a child. Anyways, one of my anxious habits was to bite my knees. I would sit with my knees up and I would just bite my knee. It was usually my right one, which is why this picture makes me think of that so much. I never really thought much of it when I was little, but thinking back to when I used to do it, I would leave horrible teeth marks in my skin on my knees. It's kind of scary to think back to my childhood and realize that everything lines up perfectly with what happened. My outbursts of emotion, my separation anxiety from my mom (which I still struggle with sometimes to this day), my anxious habits, my horrible temper, my social phobia, my depression and my anxiety. Even my self injury started when everything came back to me. I really don't know what I'm saying with this post. I just needed to get my thoughts out. So, there you go. My thoughts.

And so it begins..

As I get ready for my move (just about two weeks!), I have been bombarded with things to do. Packing and going through things, mostly, but also with the whole friends thing. Now, I've never been one to have a bajillion friends who always hang out. Quite the opposite, actually. Even though I have never had a ton of friends, I have a few. I know I've posted about how crappy my friends can be, so I know this isn't new news. Here is what's currently happening. My friends have showed no concern about the fact that I'm moving. They aren't talking to me any more than usual, nor are they trying to hang out. Pretty much, they are giving off the vibe that they don't even care. One of my "friends" actually told me "she didn't feel like driving the hour it takes to get to my house to see me before I leave." That certainly proved what our friendship was worth. I guess I just thought, for some stupid reason, that people would act differently. I was obviously wrong. My dad, as well, has been acting very rude about this whole thing. I understand the fact that he is hurt and upset that I'm leaving, and he also doesn't "trust" this whole situation, but honestly? I don't have much time left to spend with him. I really think that he should be making the best of the time we do have, and stop being so self-centered with the fact that "he doesn't want me to go." I want everyone to know how much I will miss them, but they should be happy for me that I am finally doing something that I want to do.

Big News

I'm not really sure how to start this out, but I figured the sooner I tell everyone, the better. I have made a decision about my life that was pretty hard to make, but I feel that is the right choice to make. A while ago I posted on here that I had big news but couldn't share it. Well, here's the big news, guys! A few days after my birthday, I will be moving to Oklahoma. It's going to be difficult to leave all of my friends and family, but I feel like this is the best decision for me right now. I can't say when I'll be back, because I do not know that. My whole life I have wanted to up and leave, and as absolutely crazy as it sounds, I'm really excited to do exactly that. It's all happening very fast, and honestly that scares me a little bit, but I have faith that is is going to work out. I really cannot wait until I land and can start my new life. I will be sure to update you all about my adventures, and I will be posting a ton of pictures on my facebook, so if any of you want to add me on there people do not hesitate to ask for my info or to send me yours. I would love to add you guys! I hope you all can wish me good luck on my journey, and like I said, I will be updating as much as I can. Stay tuned to read all about my planning for the next three weeks! Oh and if any of you live in Oklahoma, PLEASE let me know! The more friends I can have down there, the better!

Take care guys!