I sit in this chair, hair a total mess, pajamas and a sweatshirt, and I think about you. I think about how it used to be when we first met. When everything was, dare I say, perfect? Okay, it wasn't exactly perfect but it was pretty damn close. I feel like I'm putting my entire self out there for you to take, and you aren't. You aren't taking it and you aren't giving back what I'm giving you. I just want something mutual, I really don't think that's asking for a lot. I know how I feel about you, but I'm not sure how you still feel about me. Maybe I'm over reacting, over thinking, and being clingy, but I really just want to know that we are okay, because at this very moment in time, it doesn't feel that way.

I don't know what I'll do if you say goodbye.

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when I need you baby, you’re never there

You have my heart, and I hope you know this. Although my feelings are not strong enough to be defined as "love" I still care about and like you to pieces. I feel as if you and I were meant to meet each other back in 2nd grade, like we did, just so we could be together now, 10 plus years later. You give me the good kind of butterflies, and you make my stomach queasy with excitement of when I'll get to see you next. I pretty much want to be with you at all times, and although that's not possible, I still think about at all times. You infiltrate my dreams in the sweetest way possible, and you are always there to stop me from crying. You are what I've been searching for. You are what I've been wanting, all wrapped up in a perfect package.

(This is my 350th post.)

We are normal. We have our little tiny fights, we have our disagreements. Everything will be okay. We will be okay. This is the reality of relationships, the reality of the world. Even though I know that things will be okay, I can't help but worry about the little things. The things that could make or break this. But then I think to when you said, "Don't worry baby, I'll catch you when you fall." and everything was okay again. Everything will be okay.

HAHAHA, I literally laughed out loud when I saw this the other day. :b

This is to the people that don't want to get out of bed in the morning. To the teenagers that watch soap operas. To the girl that always gets treated like shit by guys. This is to the boy that can't breathe when the beautiful girl you will never talk to walks into the room. To the beautiful girl that wishes the breathless boy would talk to her. To the bug that lands in your bubble bath. To the cat that just wants some attention. This is to the person that can't keep a cell phone without breaking it. To the kids that grew up listening to Backstreet Boys and Nsync, on tape. To the blogger who can't seem to find anyone to vent to except for their keyboard. This is to the girl that obsessed over turtles in elementary school. To the guy who never excluded the quiet, shy girl in group discussions in senior year. To the weight on your shoulders when the going gets tough. To the song that always gets skipped over, even though you never take it off your iPod. This is to the girl that gets goosebumps every time he touches your face in the way only he can. To the girl that rushed things too fast. To the boy that brags about the girl he slept with the night before, even though secretly he wishes he hadn't of rushed things so fast. This is to the band that has gotten you through the roughest times in your life. To the dog that wants to go on a walk, when no one will take him. This is to anyone, who at anytime, has felt worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, or hopeless. This is to anyone, who at anytime, has loved themselves, thought they looked extra pretty one day, embraced their figure, not taken someone's shit, or stood up for themselves. This is to you, the person reading this, to know that there is someone out there that cares. This is to the person that wouldn't mind being told that someone cares, because we all want it. We all want to know.

I have recently been inspired by a fellow blogger, Kaelah, to write about my how I view my body. I am just going to say it, I think I'm fat. After reading Miss Kaelah's post about this girl that attacked her online because she isn't a size zero, it really hit close to home. My whole life I was teased for being the crack ass skinny girl, even though I ate like there was no tomorrow, and didn't do anything but workout in PE class. Well you know what? I'm not ten anymore. I have grown into my own woman's body, and I'm going to stop complaining about it. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be, but everybody should feel beautiful for who they really are. Not buried under eight pounds of makeup, not wearing the trendiest clothes possible. Just beautiful for being themselves. I need to have faith in myself that I am a beautiful person, and you all should do the same. I know the struggles of trying on clothes the week before a big event, and literally not fitting into anything. Or not being able to wear that cute dress because your stomach shows in it. It isn't fair to criticize ourselves for gaining weight. It's a natural occurrence. So I am here to promise you guys to try to stop making comments about my own weight. Wish me luck!

I need a night to remember. These memories I have from the past just won't do, nor do I want to remember them. Baby, take by the hand and show me the world that I have been too blind to see. Show me the things that I have never seen before, because it is not fair that my blindness has taken over my mind, along with my sight. I want to go on awesome adventures with you, and leave my anxiety behind in the dust.

I have a sinking feeling things are changing.

Give me wings, give me wings. Give me the freedom to fly. I'm sick and tired of sitting in one place in my life. I try so hard to build up the courage to get out and see the world, but I just can't. I need a gentle push to grow my wings, and fly away. I'm not really good at asking for help, but I need it this time. I can't do this on my own, as much as I'd like to.

Please tell me that everything is okay. I don't know what to do. I just want you to grab my face, kiss me hard, and tell me that everything is just fine. For some reason I honestly believe you when you tell me that. That's what I need right now. I really, really need you to believe that too. You told me some things yesterday that really freaked me out. But then again, that's just me overreacting, isn't it? I just want to know that all things will fall in place, and that we will be okay. I don't want to lose you, I really, don't want to lose you..

This has to be one of my new favorite songs (:

This can't be real. This whole situation has to be a dream. I can't breathe, I can't think about anything but this, and now I'm freaking out that this could all be a real possibility. I'm trying not to. Honestly I am, but how can I not? I don't know what to do. What if we do have to wait a few more weeks? What will I do until then? God, this is insane. I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm being torn apart from the inside out. My heart is beating abnormally fast, my legs are shaking. Please, wake me up from this nightmare..

It is quite amazing the things a girl like me will go through in a lifetime. Have you ever listened to a song, and start to cry, or think uncontrollably, because it reminds you of someone that you'd really like to forget? Have you ever thought that someone would always be there, partly because they told you that was the truth, and they ended up leaving after they got their fill? Have you ever seen a picture, and it reminded you so much of the past, even when the picture has nothing to do with your history? I do believe that it is time to make new memories. To focus on the present, to map out your future. Even when you do map it out though, you really have to leave it all up to fate. I'm a perfect example of someone that tried to plan everything out perfectly, and have it all come crashing down because it was nothing, and I mean nothing, like it was supposed to be. So in the end of the day, I always think to myself, have you ever been truly grateful for what you have?

You like the best of me, and accept the worst of me. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say for most people. I think the thing that I love the most, is that you didn't pick me. It wasn't as if we were in a store and you carefully decided which girl to fall for. It just happened. For me, it has never happened like that. It's always been a game, and I've always been the little red piece that everyone wants a turn with. I blink with uncertainty, but I smile with confidence. This is what I've been waiting for. This is the kind of thing they talk about it movies, and lovely books. This is the relationship that everyone is jealous of. This is you, this is me. Together.

I stare at the bed that you once laid in. Although it was only last night, it seems like years ago. You promised me that you would say, and I'm going to hold you to that promise. Like I told you last night, "You're probably getting sick of hearing the fucked up details of my fucked up life." You insisted that they weren't fucked up, and that you wanted to hear them. I have never once encountered a boy that wanted to know about the things that run through my mind. I'm going to say it, you are one of a kind. I have always wanted to hear the things you say to me, and now that I hear them on a regular basis, it's just plain wonderful. It scares me just a little bit, because like I have said a million times, I have never once been treated this well, by anyone. I am so glad that I can call you mine, and that you want to be with me. The blankets that we laid under last night are tangled across my bed, and every time I glance at them, they remind me of you.

I dwell on the thought of this. My body, my mind, my soul. All connected at the outer most corners, stitched together by skin and bones. My bones, my bones. Once strong and mighty, now frail, could blow away in the gusty wind. My skin, soft and delicate, with freckles and scars mapping out my history. The stars I have slept under, the same stars that my parents and grandparents saw when they were my age, are starting to fade. This world is a wonderful but strange place. The thought that I cannot seem to shake is what will happen when it decides to end. The world, that is. Will my freckled and scarred skin be here when it does? Will my frail bones be left to fend for themselves? I cannot predict this, nor will I try to. Once upon a time I would have told you that these bones wouldn't grow strong again. I would have told you that the scars on my delicate skin would grow, and they would pile up until there was no more delicate skin left. That was then, this is now. Now I can tell you that my bones will be mighty again, and the map that covers my body will be able to tell me where I will be next, not where I just was. My mind, which was once over populated by the thoughts of someone else, will now be governed by myself, the person I am, the person I have tried so hard to become. My ears will hear the sounds of this wonderful but strange world, and my eyes will take in all there is to see. My legs will quiver when it gets cold, but I don't mind at all. At least then, I get to experience the world.

I've been thinking lately... what am I going to leave behind in this world once I am gone? I do not have footprints in the sand, for no one has taken the time to see them. So, what will be left behind to prove my existence? I wish I could be apart of something bigger than myself. I have said this in the past and I still wish it would happen. I wish that I was apart of something that would make my head spin. Make me think. Make me not scared of the unknown. Something that would make me believe that I can do anything - anywhere, at anytime. Something that would prove to me that life is beautiful. That people do care... now that I write it out, dear god, I think I've found it.

LIKEEEE HOLLYYYY SHITTTT!
:D
I OFFICIALLY HAVE A BOYFRIENDDD!
:D

Why can't I believe that all of this is really happening? It's too good to be true, I feel as if I'll wake up from this dream any second, and he'll fade into the back of my mind, never really existing. Well, if this is all a dream, it's the best damn dream I've ever had. I don't really understand how one person can take my breath away. How one person can make me happy just by smiling. I love this feeling, I adore this feeling. It's the way I've wanted to feel for years.

Let's do it.
Let's run away.
So far away from everything and everyone;
that we can start over, just you and me.

I love how silly we are together. I love how we can giggle at stupid jokes. I love how you always try to give me butterfly kisses but I always refuse. I love how you kiss me on the nose, forehead, cheek, and oh, how could I forget my neck! I love how you give me the best kind of butterflies. I love how you give me goosebumps just by walking in the room. I love how you always smile, and make me smile. Literally, you make me smile. There is so much I love about the kind of couple we are... SHIT! Is it legal for me to say "couple"? I mean, we aren't official yet, but I'd like to think that we are still a couple.

For some odd reason, a reason that I can't even truly explain, I feel as if this life, this one that I'm living, isn't mine. It's too good to be mine. It's too amazing to be mine. This story that is playing out in my mind is just wonderful. Do I really deserve such happiness? Do I really deserve to be treated well? I have never, not once in my life, been treated well in a relationship. But now... now is a whole new chapter. I am letting myself open, probably more open then I should be, but I don't even care at this point. I want him to know all of me, to understand all of me, and I already know that he accepts all of me. I mean, holy shit, if you only knew some of the things I have told him, and he's still here. An amazing boy is still by myself after all the crap I've told him. What did I do to deserve such happiness? (:

I thought that I should give up waiting for someone to come to me. I really did. I thought that no one would ever care, let alone love, someone like me. There are so many people in the world that I didn't understand that someone would actually choose me, but he did. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, it's an amazing feeling, one I've never felt before. I don't want to rush into that four letter word, so I won't. He means so much to me, just about everything, really. It's all happened so fast, but I love it. My life is finally exciting and amazing.

We fit together when we cuddle.
With some people, it's just awkward.
I'm glad that it's not with us.

I want to turn this into a Titanic romance.
Except for the whole "you dying" part.

I have this dream. I have dreamed about it for years. I've always wanted to find the love of my life when I was young, I'm not sure why, but I just have always known that finding love young was the way I wanted to go about it. Of course, you can't really "find" love, it always comes to you, but I'm starting to think about something. My heart beats so fast for him, my anxiety is eliminated, and I never stop smiling. He is everything that I have ever wanted, now I have to figure it out...

You have given me something that no one has ever been able to before. I don't even know quite how to describe it, but you have given me the thing that makes my life feel on fire. The thing that makes me feel like everything is wonderful, at all times. You make me forget my past, and only think of the present and future. This new look on life that you have given me makes me want to jump up and down with happiness. I never thought I would ever get to say that someone actually cares about me, but you do.

You make my heart beat unnaturally fast. You take me on a hormonal roller coaster ride every time that we are together. I love every damn second that my heart is beating out of my chest. You are the only person I've ever met that has ever been able to make me forget about my anxiety and do the impossible. I'm falling faster and faster, and like you've always said, you will catch me when I fall (:

Is it weird that I miss something that I never even had in the first place? Is it bizarre that I lay awake at night thinking of what would have happened if things had turned out different? I'm not sure what to do. It's all I can think about. It may never happen to me, ever, and I think that's what scares me the most. That the only thing I have ever wanted out of life is this, and there's a strong possibility that it might never happen.

I felt lost, transparent even. It was like the whole world couldn't see who I really was. They couldn't see me beyond the anxiety, depression, and my fucked up past. Honestly though? Who blames them? Then, ohhh yes, then, I found you. You saw everything about me. You took in my past and you chewed it for a bit, and then you realized something very important. It's my past. You are the one that I have been waiting for. To pick me up out of the life I was living, and to show me there's so much more to see beyond what my eyes can see. You are the one that is always there to wipe away my tears, to calm me down when my anxiety is through the roof, and to always ask, "are you alright babe?" I feel like I've known you my entire life. I feel like you were right there with me through out everything. This is the most incredible feeling in the world.

I'm tired of this. I can't do half of the things that I want to, even though I am 18 years old. I just want to run away with him, live my life, and make it as exciting as possible. I don't know how, or where, but I want to do this. I can't be stuck in a hole for the rest of my life. I'm trying to get a job... but I fail at that. I want to go back to school, but my plan is to have a job for a few months before I do that. Baby, take my hand and tell me it will all be okay, like you always do. Take me away to a different place, take me to a dream.

I feel free. I feel like someone has finally open up the door for me to fly, and it's all because of you. I feel amazing when I'm around you, I feel like I can do anything. My life has been anything but easy, and everything is finally looking up. The thing that I love the most about you, you don't care about my past, my history, whatever you want to call it. Everything is so awesome right now. I love how I have shed all of the chains and locks that surrounded my heart. I want you to know that you mean everything to me, and I want this to go really far.