HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!

HAPPY 

HALLOWEENIE

EVERYONE!

I hope all of you have a spoooooky night tonight, and don't forget to pass out candy to all the little kiddles in costumes! (:

I know most of the parties were last night, hopefully you all had fun if you went to one! (:


I saw The Shining last night on the BIG screen! It was so awesome! I love that movie, I saw it for the first time when I was six... hahaha. I wouldn't go into my bathroom with the door completely closed for two years after that! :b

Anyways, HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEENIE! :D

A picture for the day

I don't remember who took this, I found it on tumblr foreverrr ago

After this I'm done ranting for the day. Deal? Deal.

I hateeee when people put their so called "mental disorders" EVERYWHERE they possibly can. Having disorders and flaunting it, is probably the stupidest thing ever. And I would bet a millionnnn dollars that if you are flaunting them, you were never actually diagnosed with them.

NOW! Before you guys get all huffy puffy about this, yes, I have posted about my disorders before. BUT I WAS NOT FLAUNTING THEM. What I post is to inform, and to show people that there is a listening ear out there that will understand what they have to say. 

I am not saying that everyone that posts about mental disorders is flaunting them, but there's a hefty number of people that are.

I have been diagnosed, or thought to have had, more disorders than I can even count. But I don't put them in my profile, saying "OH LOOK AT ME! I'M BIPOLAR! EXCUSE MY MOOD SWINGS!" Really now?

It's almost as if having a once "frowned upon" disorder is now an awesome thing to have. It doesn't really matter to me, or probably anyone else for that matter, to look at someone's profile and the first thing you are bombarded with is "I HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!" or "I'M DEPRESSED"

If you were REALLY encompassed by those things, you would not even be closed to flaunting them. As someone who has suffered with some shit for quite some time, you do NOT want to bring attention to it. It ruins friendships, relationships, and no one really wants to start any of those things, because they don't "want to go there"

Okay people, now get a freaking life.

PIIIIIISSSSSEEED

SO PISSED RIGHT NOW.
ROCKY HORROR IS SOLD OUT.
I CANNOT GO.
D:


Oh well, Ashley is still coming over to watch creepy movies with me! (:

My cousin

My cousin, Dylan, who is basically a brother to me, had a seizure today. He is okay now, and he was being discharged from the hospital when I was leaving, but it was still quite a scare. I really hope this isn't anything like epilepsy, because that would be terrifying. Not just for our family, but for Dylan as well.

Well that was my news for the day, now it's time to eat some mac and cheesey and watch a scary movie.. in the daylight.

Then it's off to Rocky Horror tonight!

Don't you?

I just love being ignored. It really makes my day SO much better. I feel so awesome when my "friends" blatantly disrespect me. It's oh so cool.


/sarcasm.

Halloweenie!

What are you guys all doing for Halloweenie this year? (:

And what are you guys going as? (:

Let me know, I'm curious! :D

I'm not dressing up this year,

though I ammm going to RHPS so I'll be dressed all slutty for that hahah ;b

Oh and if  you know what movie this picture is from, you are my new best friend :D

YAAAAY!

I'm going to RHPS tomorrow with Allison! :D!

SO EXCITED.


Now I just have to figure out what the hell to wear! hahah

Rocky Horror

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is playing tomorrow night in the next town over..

I am a Rocky Horror Virgin..

Thus, I muuuuust go!

But alas, I cannot find anyone to go with me! D:

SOMEONE PLEASE GO SEE IT WITH ME!

My best friend!

Hey everyone! My best friend, Kimberly, has just made a music page!

Here's the link, http://www.purevolume.com/KimberlyHall65677

All it takes for you to become her fan is to sign up as a "listener" on purevolume, then check your email for the confirmation link, and then go back to her site (just search for "Kimberly Hall", she's the first one that comes up) and click "become a fan" which is above the music player. PLEASEEEE AND THANK YOUUUU! :D

Singing is her passion, and she wants people to know about her! So if you could just take the five seconds out of your day to fan her, she would really appreciate it! (I mean, what else are you doing? You're reading this blog is what you're doing.. and I'm telling you to go do THIS! :D)

THANK YOUUUU!

Jessica and Rilie Rae!

My dad's girlfriend's oldest daughter, Jessica, is having a baby in January! (: Her and her husband have picked the name "Rilie Rae"! I will be doing their newborn family portraits! YIPPEE! This picture is one of the ones I took at her baby shower that was this past Sunday (:

Congrats again Jess, can't wait to take pictures with you guys! :D

Happy as a clam

I'm in a very good mood today. Despite everything that's been going on over the last week or so, I'm finding myself to be in a funky but fantastic mood. I love these days, because they really don't happen often. I could really go for some french fries right now.. yuuum. And maybe some root beer. Oh, how about we just go to Red Robin? :D

Mixtape Monday!

Here are some bands that I enjoy, that I think you would enjoy too!
(I will put the band name, their link, and my favorite song by them)

• Team Me - Weathervanes and Chemicals
• Jonezetta  - Cruel To Be Young
• The Snake The Cross The Crown - The Great American Smokeout
• Hello Astronaut - The Only One
• WHY? - The Hollows (One of my favorite songs EVER)
• Carter Hulsey - Like A Bear
• We Should Whisper! - Open Up To Me
• STAY - Maddie kthx (acoustic)
• Le Wolves - Why Yes It Is

I love his lyrics, some people are bugged by his voice though..

There you go, folks! Some songs I like!
What songs are YOU loving this week? (:

To Paint The Sky!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to let you all know about a friend's band, it's called To Paint The Sky! I just won a contest by them, and I will be getting a tshirt! :D How excitttting! :D

Anyways, this is their Facebook Page and here is their Myspace Page

CHECK THEM OUT! :D

You were mine

There is something familiar about this morning's weather. The cool, damp air mixes with the partly dark sky, and acts as a time capsule, taking me back to a road. One that has not been traveled in quite some time. I look around me, back and forth my head sways. As I look up to the sky, though, that's when I realize where I've seen the bright  moon, overshadowed by fog. It was a day just like this, almost four years ago, that I fell in love with you. It's hard to think back to that time in my life, for it was a constant struggle for me, but through everything, through everyone, you stayed right there. It wasn't my plan to fall in love with you, and although you never loved me, I can't help but put a lock around the part of my heart that you consume. Thinking about where we are today, and how we haven't spoken in a year, I guess all I wanted was for you to know something. To know that what we had, at one point, was something that I promised myself I would never forget. I wish we could have ended things in a better light, so you could have known the truth. The lies that surrounded the ending of our friendship make me cringe. I feel as if she wanted you, and had to lie to you about me to make it happen. She never got you though, she could never say you were here's. After all we went through, I'm still proud I could say that, that you were mine.

Lauren - October's Blogger of the Month!

Here is the interview that I did with Miss Lauren, she's over at fire-exits.blogspot.com if you want to take a look at her blog! (: Also, she's now my new best friend for involving Ted Bundy in her interview... :D!


1. Why did you chose your blog url as "Fire Exits"?

I created my blogger account about 3 years ago and promptly forgot about it until June this year and now I have no idea what "Fire-Exits" means. I like the idea that it could have meant something to me at the time, but knowing me it's probably totally random.

2. What is your favorite thing about blogging?

I find the people I come across on blogger to be very open-minded. Some topics can be hard to talk about with people in real-life conversation without accidently causing offence. But with their blogs, I see people talking about body image, self-harm, death, religion, politics and anything else you can think of. Nothing is off-limits. I find that very refreshing in a politically correct world where everyone is walking on eggshells.

3. If you could sit down and have a one hour long conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be and why?
Meeting people you actually like or admire can be a let-down, so I considered people I don't like, such as Hitler. But Osama Bin Laden is my choice, as he's driven by religion, which I find just absolutely mental and interesting at the same time. We'd probably have to get some veritiserum on the go though or he'd probably answer none of my questions.

4. Where would you like to see yourself in five years?

Still with Scott, living in a city and making my parents proud.

5. How would your best friend describe you to someone that doesn't know you?

My best friend is also called Lauren, which I quite like. I think the main thing she would say is that I'm good fun. I spend a lot of time laughing, so if you're friends with me, you're probably going to be laughing your head off too. I am very punctual (what a boring quality!) and I hope she would also say that I'm quite kind and generous. She would also make a comment about how much I like ginger boys, but that's another issue entirely...

6. Explain your personality, in three words.
A mad, easy-going dreamer. Easy-going counts as one word, there's a hyphen!

7.  What is your desired profession?
I've wanted to write for a living my whole life and I'm doing journalism at college right now. My tutor described my writing as "punchy and witty", which is a good start. I do TV and radio next year which I'm excited about and I'm sure my mum would love to have a daughter that's "on the telly". But the more I learn about the way the media works (and the way it is used to manipulate people, both in the UK and the USA), the more I am scared by it.

8. Who are your favorite bands and why? Any bands you'd like to suggest to followers?
My favourite band in the whole world is blink-182. I know that two-thirds of the band can't play their instruments and I know the lyrics are lame, but they are best pals and good fun and that's pretty much all I care about.
Mumford&Sons don't need my help as they seem to be taking over the world, but I recommend them anyway.
I am also enjoying the Blueskins and Marina and the Diamonds just now.

9. Without saying names, is there anyone you wish that you could just forget, or never have met? Why is that?
There is nobody who's been in my life who's been a purely bad influence. I try to learn from everyone. Of course, there are some BAD exes, or guys you liked so much that you went overboard and now you look back and just cringe. But it's all good in the end.

10. Is blogging one of your passions? What are your other passions?

I don't know if I would consider it a passion, but I certainly like it very much.
I think I have a passion for karate. I've "caught the bug" as they say. I only started in April but I love it. I did highland dancing for 14 years but there are no classes where I live now. I love reading and I just finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I'm now reading "9 stories" by J.D Salinger.

11. Why did you decide to start a blog?
I started a blog because I have the worst memory in the world. Someone will be talking about something that happened the day before and I won't know what they're on about. A blog is a nice way of recording everything without keeping a diary, which I find quite dull. I'm also learning a lot about other places and people, which is great.


12. Last but not least, what would be the first thing you would say if you met a serial killer, and knew that they were a serial killer?

Nice try Mr. Bundy, but I know you don't need a help carring your bags- that's a fake sling you have on your arm!





Well there you go guys! I hope you all enjoyed this interview with Lauren, and remember, email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com if you would like to be considered for next months BotM! (:

My photography page

This is the link to my online photography portfolio! (:

http://www.facebook.com/alexamariephotography

If you are interested in seeing my work, please fan the site! Thank you (:

Here are some examples of my work ^__^

 

I had no idea!

I had no idea that Lights used to have snake bites! haha, she looks like such a little scene bean in this video :b And to think that I started listening to her just one year after this! (2007 for those of you that don't know the video was recorded in 2006)

Blogger of the Month is....

Congratulations to Lauren at http://fire-exits.blogspot.com/ !

I will be interviewing Lauren about herself and her blog, and then I will post the interview on here!

To all that applied for the interview, no worries and no hard feelings! Just email me next month and you might be picked then! (:

An addition to my last post

That statement involved someone that is no longer in my life, and hasn't been for over a year. So if you all are thinking that I'm currently involved with something like that, I'm not.

The hardest thing

I believe the hardest thing that you have to endure in life, is loving someone who doesn't love you back.

This is coming from someone who has endured too many hardships, 

but I still believe that one broke my heart the most.

I'm going to start another project on here ^__^ Blogger of the Month!

I'm going to start a "Blogger of the Month" project.
If you follow my blog, and would like to be considered for the blogger of the month, please email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com

All you have to do is send me an email to the address I just posted, and put your first name only and a link to your blog in the email! (:

I will post about you on my blog, along with an interview all about you and your blog! (:
If you do not get chosen this month, send me another email the following month and you might get chosen then!

I will choose blogs by the ones that I deem to be creative, interesting, and fun. And pretty. (:

Just because you don't get chosen one month, doesn't mean that your blog isn't creative, interesting, fun or pretty! It just means that I had too many people wanting to be interviewed, and I chose someone else, but like I said - re-apply the following month! (:

I hope you all enjoy this, and hurry and apply! I'll be choosing October's Blogger of the Month here within the next day or two!

UGH!

I am TRYING to watch videos on youtube right now, but I'm being bombarded with stupid political ads before my video starts. REALLY YOUTUBE?! We don't see them enough on television and on the radio? So I have to have "DON'T VOTE FOR INITIATIVE 1100" shoved down my throat?

/rant.

The Flying Notebook Update!

Congrats to Leslie! She will be receiving the notebook soon, I first have to get some shipping supplies! Anyways, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE THE NOTEBOOK SENT TO YOU, PLEASE EMAIL ME!

portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com 

This is a really fun project, and I hope you all want to join in on it!

BUTTTT YIPPEE! LESLIE GETS IT FIRST! (:

I am giving up

Honestly, I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of giving my all, and getting nothing in return. It really isn't much to ask for. All I wanted was someone to care about me, in more than a friend type of way. To me, finding true love is the ultimate reward in life, and after overcoming so many horribly shitty things in my life, I'd like to think that I deserve that reward. I'm tired of going through life without someone by my side. I don't even have friends that I can say that about. It's always been the people that are obligated to stand by my side. Family. And even then, the people I like to think that I can count on, are slowing drifting away. I don't even talk to my "older brother" cousin anymore. Screw this. And ice cream still isn't making it better.

Ice Cream

As a kid you think "Ice cream makes everything better!"

As an adult, not so much.

):

Cried

I cried on the way home from class today.. Mostly because I literally completely screwed up any future chance with someone. WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS? Every single time something starts going well, I sabotage myself and end up crying and hurt. I know I'm scared to let someone into my life, that's obvious. Why can't I let myself be happy? Why can't I just let everything take it's natural course see where it ends? But no, I had to go and screw EVERYTHING up.

God dammit.

Just shoot me now.

Post Number 666

Well shit. Seeing that this is my 666th post, and what I'm about to write about is me sucking at life, maybe they go hand in hand...

I suck at life. Period. I cannot do anything right. Then again, who is to say that what I'm doing is wrong? Well, probably because of the fact that I screw up absolutely every friendship and relationship I've pretty much ever had. Yayyyyy. So yeah, I'd say I'm doing everything wrong. All I wanted was a chance to prove that I am something better than what I've been portrayed as. I may be shy, awkward, and a total loser with a shitty past, but that doesn't mean that there aren't good sides to me too. I'm creative, and quirky in a good way. I love having debates about anything and everything, as long as they don't turn into fights. I'm always here to listen when people need to vent, and if you need advice, I've got that too. What I don't understand is how everything I do is wrong. I have to be able to do something right. I mean seriously. The butterflies I had in my stomach over the weekend and into the beginning of this week have been replaced with a giant knot, making me scared to say something else in fear that I might screw everything up even more. I'm tired of the way I put everything into everything. Meaning: I jump in with both feet. I don't test the water first, I just head on in. Dammit, I really thought I had something good going here.. once again, I prove myself wrong.

):

I suck at life.
The end.

FLYING NOTEBOOK RULES! :D

The Flying Notebook Project

My notebook will be going around the world, and so will Eemah's! Let one of us know if you want to get one of the notebooks! (:

The flying notebook, is basically just a notebook that will be traveling from one blogger to another,

I, the maker of the notebook will be the one to choose to whom the notebook will be delivered.

please read carefully...

For me to choose you as the next flying notebook owner all you have to do is follow these easy steps,
- follow me here in my blog
-send me an email with your complete name, address and a link to your blog
my email address: portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com
-leave a comment to this post that you have already sent me the email,

You will know if you will be the lucky chosen one if...
-I will leave a comment to your blog that you are the one who will be receiving the notebook,
-I will send you an email, when I will be delivering the notebook to you,
(delivery time may vary depending on the location)
-and I will also announce it here in my blog

Once you receive the notebook, you must make a blog entry including the following:
- a picture of you with the notebook
- a link to my blog
- date you received the notebook and the date when you will be delivering it back to me

-From the day you receive it, you will have SEVEN DAYS to use the notebook, after seven days you have to send the notebook back to me, my address will be included in the package when you receive it.
-the use of pages will be limited so that there will be enough space for others, each notebook owner can only use a minimum of one page and a maximum of five pages.
-you are free to use your artistic and creative minds in writing on it, you are free to use paints, water colors, as long as you will not make any damage and you will not make any changes to the works of the previous notebook owners. Add writings, drawings, pictures and notes to the book. Please tape in anything you aren't writing directly into the notebook.

****AFTER YOU TAKE THE PICTURE OF YOU WITH THE NOTEBOOK, PLEASE PRINT IT OUT AND TAPE IT INSIDE THE NOTEBOOK ON ONE OF YOUR PAGES. The picture can be any size, as long as it fits taped onto a page. (:

These rules were created by Eemah, so I thought I would be putting them into my project as well (:

If you are interested in this project, SPEAK UP! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you will get to see writings, drawings and photos from other people around the country, and around the world.

Take care everyone!

Flying Notebook!

Hello all! One of my very good blogger friends, Eemah and I have started this lovely Flying Notebook project. If you are in America, Canada or Mexico and would like the notebook to be sent to you, please email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com

All you'll have to do is receive the notebook, write, draw, or put pictures on a few pages, then send it back to either Eemah or I.

Sounds fun, aye? (:

Let me know if you are interested and I will try to get you on the mailing list!

P.S.

Why do I ALWAYS feel like I royally screw shit up? 




):

I am waiting

I am waiting here, specifically for you. Call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but I know there's something there. I know that we don't know each other completely yet,  but that doesn't mean that I don't feel it. Butterflies are something that always tell me the truth, unlike my head and my heart.

Repost from 2009; Love Is

 

I wrote this late last year, and I just rediscovered it. I'm going to add on to it, so what you are reading right now is an elaborated version of what was first written.This wasn't written about anyone specifically, it is just to express what I believe love truly is.

Love is waiting for you, love is here. Love is the words you speak. Love is the music you sing. Love is the way you style your hair. Love is the way you read out loud. Love is the way you sit in the chair, with your legs over the arm rest. Love is the way you smile, when I say that you are gorgeous today. You are gorgeous everyday. Love is the flowers you give me, for no reason at all. Love is the way you quote your favorite movie, while we are watching it. Love is the way you dance around the room when your favorite song comes on shuffle mode. Love is the way you tell me, "It will all be okay in the end." Love is something that I never thought I would believe in. Love is nothing but being true to your yourself, and someone else. Love is the way you know my favorite things. Love is the jokes we make, and the laughter that follows. Love is kind, love is harsh, love is forgiving. Love is the look you give me when you want to kiss me. Love is the look I give you when I want to pounce on you. Love is giving, and receiving, and realizing that it's not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Love is those butterflies fluttering around your stomach,. Love is simple words, simple gestures, but knowing that there's a complex meaning behind them. Love is watching sports you hate, but you endure it because they can't miss the game. Love is sitting in the car, fogging up the windows from talking for hours. Love is the way you look at me, with eyes that smile, with a curve of your lips, with a motive unknown to me. Love is you

Untitled

Today was going to be the day that I got up the courage to tell him something. Then, he didn't show up for class. Do I take this as a sign? Do I tell him what I need to say later, when I see him next? The butterflies in my stomach have to account for something, they aren't there for no reason. I'm trying to take things slow here, and that's partly of what I wanted to tell him. I guess you could say that I just don't know what to say or do in this situation. Mostly because I've never been in this situation before. Don't get me wrong, I've been in pickles similar to this... but this one is different. I sit here alone now, waiting for you to get back to me. I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm blindly shooting into the dark.

I'm a bit..

I'm a bit.. well, I don't really know what I am, or how I feel right now. Last night was awesome, it really was.. and I feel like he really cares about me, and likes me, which is so great. So why do I feel like something isn't how it should be? Maybe, er, I probably am, reading into this situation too much. Dammit. I just need to chill out. I need to stop worrying over nothing, but yet I am worrying over something, us, and this is something, isn't it..?

You could say

You could say that I have a giant crush on someone. That would be true. I am here to tell you that I am ready and willing for all good things to come my way. I do believe this crushed upon guy is a good thing. It is way too soon to say how he might be good for me, but I'd like to think that there is something about him that is just good. He makes me smile, huge and radiant smiles, which not many guys have been able to do in the past. So now I wait, for good things to come full circle, and I hope in that circle that this guy is included.

It's cheesy, yes, but who cares.

"I've got crush on you, 

I hope you feel the way that I do.. 

I get a rush when I'm with you, 

oh I got a crush on you.."

AHHHHH!

SO FREAKING EXCITED.
:DD!!!!

I feel

I feel amaaazing right now. hehehe.
And now that my school girl type crush is known, who knows what will happen next...
heheheh

hmmmm

Go to hell.

Let's go

I'm ready to go.. but I cannot go alone. I want to travel the world, by planes, by trains, by cars and by buses. I want adventure. I want realness added to my life.. because right now, my life is nothing but a boring standstill. Take my hand, and follow me into the sunset. We can do this. We can let go, together.

I hope you know

I hope you know that you are my best friend. No matter what. You may not consider me your best friend, but I consider you mine. We've gotten into some fights, sure, but so does everyone. I care about you so much girl, and I always hope the best for you. I know I'm not the easiest to get along with at times, but I'm so thankful that you have stayed by my side. I've been through "best friend" after "best friend" but you are by far the best I've had. Thank you for that, and thank you for being you.

Autumn has changed me.

Autumn has changed me. It kept my mouth shut, in a literal sense. The crisp weather has always been my favorite, but I can't help but think of all the things that have happened in the Fall. Two years ago from yesterday. The lowest time in my life came full circle. I let everything that had happened take a hold of me, and I let it win. I was five minutes away from never coming back. Then, of course, there was the thing that happened when I was younger that started in this month. It's hard for me to see young girls, to know that their innocence is still with them. To know that they didn't have their happiness ripped from them. Autumn may be a bad season for things happening, but it's not going to stopping me from living my life and changing how I perceive things. Fall has always been my favorite, but perhaps they call it Fall for a reason. Even if that is true, I'm not going to let it stop me.

Crap.

Is this really happening... again? I'm conflicted, confused, and not sure what to do. It's not like either of them would like me. With one, we gave it a try, and it didn't work. The other, there's just no way. I'm not the kind of girl that guys like. I guess I need to get that through my head, because not realizing it just gets me hurt, over and over again. I just hope that someone realizes that I am more than what you see.

The City

The buildings of this city stand tall, towering over me and everyone else. I stand there, staring up at the ever so giant concrete and steel structures, the ones with windows adorning them and flags on top as the icing on the cake. I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, why I'm waiting for them to change. They never will. I don't believe that I belong in this city, I don't believe that it is right for me. But alas, I do not have the power to change where I am, therefore I stay. So what can I change about this situation to make it better? I do not like being here, but I must stay. How do I go about making the best out of it? I just do not know anymore.

Ahhh the memories

I got my first Backstreet Boys album when I was six, and I got my first Nsync TAPE when I was seven. These songs take me waaaay back, what about you? What were your favorite bands when you were under ten years old? (:

List: What I want in a relationship

In no particular order:

1. Passion
2. Romance
3. Random Kisses
4. Love
5. Fights, but only over the blankets
6. Common Interests
7. Late Night Talks
8. Adventures
9. Communication
10. Laughter and Happy Tears
11. Trust
12. Honesty

Watch the World Fade

As I sit here, armed with a keyboard, I think about the world and how it seems to be slipping away from me. I don't feel like I have complete control over myself, and that scares me a bit. Correction: that scares me a lot. I don't really know what I'm doing here, or what I'm supposed to be learning. Some people say that you don't figure that out for a very long time, but when you are watching the world fade in front of you and you feel lost and completely out of control, you really wish  you could figure it out now. I've tried to open my eyes, to see the world in it's entirety, but it never seems to work. I am always stuck in tunnel vision and although I notice the beautiful things in life I can never take them in. I don't enjoy being where I am. I don't enjoy not knowing what the next five minutes will hold. My mind is unpredictable, like a hurricane. Switching from one direction to the next in a matter of seconds, and it scares the crap out of me. I just want something to be right, I want some sort of stability in my life. I need it, more than ever.

No Matter What

Book Suggestions?

Hey everyone! I'm looking for some book suggestions, I'm putting together a list of books that I would like to read before Halloween of next year. My favorite books are My Friend Leonard, A Million Little Pieces, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Go Ask Alice, The Lovely Bones, It's Kind of a Funny Story, things like that. Please help me out! And pleaaaase do not suggest vampire books, or anything fantasy.. I'm not into those. But other than that, just let me know what books you like to read, and I will check them out! I'm really into the kinds of books that might be fiction, but seem very real, or actual non-fiction that is gritty and raw. (:

What I miss most

It's the ability to be able to call a specific person mine. It's the random, spontaneous kisses. It's the late night talks, either in person or on the phone. It's the over abundant amount of texts sent each day. It's the knowledge that they have a life, and I have mine, but that we can always find time for each other. It's the give and take to make things work. It's the happy hellos and the sad goodbyes. It's the laughter, the tears, the good times and the bad. It's the quiet nights when we fall asleep in each others arms. It's the hugs, you know, the ones when you never want to let go. It's the anniversaries, whether it be a week, a month, or a year. It's the songs that mean so much to us. It's the realness and the rawness of being alive and sharing it with someone else. It's trying so hard not to laugh when you shouldn't. It's trying so hard not to cry when you want to. It's waiting in the rain just to say you're sorry, when they deserve an apology. It's the ways you poke fun, in the most awesome and caring way. It's the way you look into my eyes, and say the things you've been holding back. It's the completely and totally genuine smile you produce when I say something unbelievably stupid. It's the holidays and birthdays we get to spend together. It's the awkwardness of the "meeting the parents" dinner. It's talking things out, and not keeping secrets. It's not expecting someone to give their all if you don't give it back. It's never giving up, even when it gets really tough. I may not miss one specific person, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss having someone. Having someone to share all of this with. That is what I miss most.

Thinking, thinking, thinking

I'm really thinking about saving up for my second tattoo.. orrrr should I save up for a new camera lens?

CRAPPPP

I suck at decision making!

It seems as if

It seems as if my best is never enough. I try, so hard, to push through my insecurities and anxiety, but it's never enough. I can't just jump into a group of people and be okay, that's just not possible for me. Yet you always claim that it's a "choice" of how I am. Oh, so now a chemical imbalance in my freaking head is a CHOICE? I don't believe that for a second. I am trying. I am getting there. You putting me down all the time is not helping whatsoever. I never wanted to live my life in fear, but you seem to think that I chose to be like this. Screw that, and screw you. I have my flaws, and I don't claim to be perfect. So stop thinking that you are.

I'm tired, cranky and in a bad mood.

Thanks to my body going ape shit on me the last two days, I feel like complete crap.
I feel like crying, punching someone and screaming all at the same time.
And no, I'm not pregnant, so that's not to blame for my crazy mood swings.
I just want to go to my mom's house, or at least talk to her.

Hot chocolate kind of day

Today was a hot chocolate kind of day. I've been in the house all day long, literally, I haven't been out once, and it's been raining, too. I love hot chocolate, and considering I don't drink coffee, it's nice to have something to drink when I go out to a coffee shop with people. Mmmmm.. I feel like taking pictures. I just don't know what to take pictures of, and I'm not in the mood to go get soaking wet in the rain to take pictures outside.. thoughhhh.. raindrop pictures are some of the best!

CONGRATULATIONS MARINA!

Congratulations to a close friend of mine, Marina, who had a beautiful and healthy baby boy a few days ago. His name is Alexander, and he's adorable! :D

I'm going to be taking his newborn photos, so I will post at least one up here (if the mommy let's me!)

AHHH! THIS IS SO EXCITINGGG!

Cousins

 

This is a picture (in order) of Me, my cousin Haley, and my cousin Dylan (taken in January 2009.) They are honestly the best cousins I could have ever asked for, and I wish that we were still as close as we used to be. It seems these days that when I text, they don't text back. When I IM on Facebook, they don't respond. I would do anything to get our relationships back to what it was. They are blood, they are family, and I don't want to let our friendship and family relationship to slip away. I know that I can turn to them in any situation, and they will be there with non-judgmental ears. Now, I have a lottttt of cousins (my mom has seven other siblings, they all have kids.. you do the math!) and this goes out to all of them. Don't let family politics keep us from being friends. We are family first, then friends, I understand that. But that's my point. We are family. We shouldn't not talk, we shouldn't not hang out. We owe it to ourselves to retain healthy friendships and relationships with each other. Heather, Rebekah, Ian, Stefan, Mikaela, Michael, Aaron, Dylan, Haley, Max, Merce, Megan (even if you're a newcomer, you still count!), my brother Nick, and of course the married-in cousins, Brittnee, Tony, and Kandi. I love you all. (I am TERRIBLY sorry if I forgot anyone, I'm still sick and I'm all scatterbrained!) I hope you all know how much you mean to me.

Shadows and Rooftops

The shadows of Autumn dance quietly across the rooftops, and for a minute, I feel alive. I feel something that I don't normally feel. I can't quite put my finger on it, but nevertheless, it's a great feeling. I couldn't tell you why I felt like that, to me it remains a mystery. It lasted mere seconds, really, but it was a burst of reality, a change of tune on the old piano that plays in my mind. I wanted to let myself go and feel it forever, but alas I am too scared to trust myself. As sun and shadows battled it out for reign of the rooftops, I felt an amazing surge of anxiety. This wasn't the normal kind of worry though, it was an excited surge. I don't feel this way often, but that day, for those few seconds, I was excited to be alive. That's what it was. That's what the feeling is. Today is October 8th, 2010 at 11:36am in Seattle, Washington, and I am alive.

I'm growing tired

I am growing tired of the same ol' same ol'. I feel this constant need for change, a constant desire for something new. That's a pretty inconvenient desire. I wish I knew how to fix this need, this overwhelming urge. I'm not looking for a new house every few days. I'm also not looking for a wardrobe outfitted from Chanel. What I'm looking for little bits of change, not the same freaking routine day after day. This is not how I wanted my life to go. This is not the path I wanted to take. Nothing goes according to plan though, right? I also feel like the people that are supposed to be closet to me, really aren't. I feel like everything gets in the way. I'm not a priority in people's lives, I get that. I know that. All I'm really asking for is some goddamn respect. I'm not a perfect person, nor do I claim to be. But all the people in my life who complain about their friends "being rude" and "treating them like shit" have something else coming to them. Do people not even realize that they are being total hypocrites? They complain about having bad friends, yet they are ten times worse to their friends. It's a vicious cycle, and I wish it would stop. I'm sick of the lies and the games from everyone. And I'm sure if you know where I'm coming from, you are too. I'm clawing at my skin just to get away from the internal battle of keeping my mouth shut when I really just want to give the verbal middle finger to half the people in my life. I hope everyone understands that I do my best. I try, really damn hard I might add, to please people. I know, there's  my problem. But when I have friends, I actually try to keep them. And I try to make them happy with the little things. There is only so much I'm willing to take.

It's unbelievable to me

I honestly can't believe that Jordan, who is now in The Ready Set, who USED to be in brideandgroom, is on MTV and the radio. Brideandgroom has been one of my favorite bands for like four years. Honestly, though, I feel like Victor kind of got the heave ho with Jordan making it big with The Ready Set. Brideandgroom will forever and always remain in my heart, and The Ready Set will stay so-so with me.

/rant.

And afterall..

One day, a couple years back, you told me something that I will never, ever forget. You asked me if I had every heard the song Wonderwall by Oasis. I said I hadn't, so you told me to listen to it.. because that was how you felt about me. I can honestly say that pushing you away is probably the biggest mistake I have ever made. I don't care that we never dated. That's all in the past now. What I regret is pushing away the best friend I had ever had. The one person in this world that set all judgments aside, and actually cared. I am deeply sorry that I didn't realize that when we were still close friends. I am happy to say that you are still in my life, maybe not to the degree that I might have wished, but you are still here. I am truly grateful that even though we've had our ups and downs, we are still friends. Even if we barely talk, never hang out, and all that, I still like to think that we are friends. That's all I ever could have asked for. At one point, yes, I pushed for more. And doing that is what pushed you away. I just listened to Wonderwall, and for the first time in about three or four years, I was able to listen to the entire thing without crying. The reason why I would cry isn't because that's not how you feel about me anymore, but because I don't have the best friend that I used to have. Your friendship meant the world to me, kid, don't ever forget that, please.

Nothing seems possible.

I do not understand how people can be so naive and judgmental. There is a story online, from here in Seattle, about a 20 year old girl who apparently committed suicide. Seems reasonable, people do commit suicide. What I'm frustrated about is the comments left on the news story's web page. "She had so much going for her, she would never do that." and so on. Do people not understand that when you are in the depression territory, nothing is reasonable. Nothing seems possible, or impossible for that matter. I don't know this girl. I don't know if she did commit suicide, or if it was murder. The thing that really gets me though, is how people can be so stupid when it comes to this. As someone who has tried to take her own life, I know these things all too well. When you are suicidal, there can be, not always, but there can be two different people that are living inside of you. That sounds really strange, let me explain. You don't want to show the people you love that you are hurting. For me, it was numerous attempts to get help that failed, and I didn't want my loved ones to know that I was still struggling. There were two Alexa's. There was the happy, "hide it all with a smile" Alexa. Then there was the overly depressed, anxiety ridden, suicidal Alexa. The second me only came out when I was alone. Sure, my parents saw when I would slip up. When I would lash out or cry hysterically for hours on end. But it wasn't the same as writing suicide notes in your journal, hoping that one comes out the way you want it to. It wasn't the same as staring at the bottle of pills day after day. What I'm trying to say is, just because this girl seemed happy, possibly vivacious, and "had so much going for her," doesn't mean that there wasn't another side to her. It doesn't mean that it was an impossibility for her to take her life.

Autumn is here

The summer have given way to the ever so lovely autumn. The leaves are collecting on the ground, the trees show bare branches, the skies have a crisp feel to them. The grass will soon be hidden by an array of colors... It's my favorite time of year. I have always been especially fond of fall, the magic of the Halloween season, the family time around Thanksgiving, and of course the photo opportunities. October is probably my favorite month of the year, it's always cold and damp, but still inviting. The air that surrounds me at this time of year is different than all the other seasons. It's cold, crisp and awakening. I love the days I curl up on the couch watching a movie, hearing the rain pound across my windows... Or watch the leaves fall gracefully from the trees. There's nothing about fall I dislike. What's your favorite time of year? Why? Let me know!

Should I? Or no?

Should I dye my hair red again? I'm thinking something around this color. I haven't been a redhead in a looong time, and the first time I dyed it red was almost four years ago haha. I'm wanting some change with my hair (even though I justttt cut it all off haha) so I'm thinking about it... Let me know what you think (:

This isn't who I want to be

19 years ago, I never thought that I would succumb to being this. The kind of person I never wanted to be. A person who can't even manage to sleep at night, let alone function normally. I remember the nights where I felt as if nothing could touch me. Nothing could stop me. I was who I wanted to be, a careless girl who loved the world.. who loved her life. I have a certain person to thank for making me feel that way, but since he has written me off from his life, I think I will refrain from mentioning his name. I miss having no cares, I miss having fun. I don't like the person I've become. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the progress I've made. I'm loving the fact that I feel good about myself most days. But that doesn't change that I'm still a fragile shell of a girl. I don't have the confidence, or the will power, to stop living my life like a porcelain doll and start living it like I am a bird. A bird that has off days, but still has the stamina to get up in the morning and fly to whatever destination that I would like to go. I have a tattoo that I have yet to live up to. I'm still afraid to fly. I need to learn how to get up off the ground and just fly. I don't like being the person that I am, yet I don't know how to change it. I know it's a slow process, but there has to be some first step that I can take. There has to be a way.

Hi Chews

These wonderful candies are called Hi Chews and are from Japan. My dad recently went over there, and if you have ever had them, you will never be the same ;D hahah. These are the strawberry ones, my favorite. I suggest if you have any way of getting them (I'm thinking a Japanese store here in the states might have them) YOU MUSTTTTT GET THEMMMM. Just not the lemon kind, they are addicting, but maaan they taste the way lemon cleaner smells... :|

I am so sick right now ):

Oh my gaaahhhhddd. I feel like complete crap. I woke up yesterday with a frog in my throat, and now it's like twenty times worse, my head is pounding, and my whole body is aching. D:

I have to go to class today too ):
I really just want to curl up in bed alllll day and watch movies.

I'm ready and willing

I'm ready and willing to make a change. To stop living my life the way I am.


I just don't think I have it in me to do it alone.

I feel like crying

"Shittier" is not really how I wanted to end my already shitty day.

Wow.

I can't believe I actually thought he was different.
I can't believe I let myself get attached, just to be let down. Like always.

Don't you just love it

Isn't it just awesome when you are watching a horror movie, and you hear something in YOUR house that is a really creepy sound? I'm watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose right now, and I heard tea cups rattling. WHAT THE HECCCCCKKKKKK. Oh and I'm the only one home...

D:

Screw you, youtube.

Wow. I'm completely pissed off, triggered, and upset right now. Once again, youtube allows people to make "music videos" (aka collages of pictures) with pictures of self injury and suicide in them. ALL I FREAKING WANTED TO DO WAS LISTEN TO A SONG, AND I GET BOMBARDED WITH THIS SHIT? What the hell, youtube.

Let me tell you something right now everyone,
ANYONE who has ever struggled with self injury or suicidal thoughts will tell you that pictures that have to do with that, are probably the most triggering thing we can see.

SCREW THIS.

My skin is crawling right now. I'm completely triggered.
And I'm home alone.
GREAT.

Someone IM me on Facebook and talk to me please ):

Get to know me (:

This is going to be majorly personal, you ready?
Every time a survey says this, it never is.

Promise to take this without deleting any questions?
Yeah!

Are you happier now than you were five months ago?
Yes, much happier.

Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone?
Yesssir

How many people do you trust with everything?
Two.

What was the last thing you drank?
Water

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
): Yes.

Name one thing you love about winter?
BOOTS!

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
Headacccche and my throat hurts!

What’s the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?
Looked at the clock

Do you believe you can be friends with your ex?
The only way this is possible is if neither person has feelings for one another anymore. And trust me on that one, I've been there done that WAY too many times.

Have you ever kissed the last person you sent a text message to?
I haven't sent a text in over a week D:

Is there anybody that you wish you could fix things with?
Meh.

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
Yeah

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Mhm

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Hahahahahahah.. Oh you were serious?

Are you listening to music right now?
Yeah (:

Who was the last person you talked to on facebook chat?
Darcy!

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
So many times.

Have you laughed today?
Yeah! (:

Would you rather not eat or not sleep?
Not eat

What do you normally drink in the morning?
Nothing, I get an upset stomach if I drink on an empty stomach.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Depends.

Do you believe that all boys are the same?
They aren't all the same, but their motives are.

Did you drink any alcohol this week? Did you get drunk?
Nooope!

Do you like to cuddle?
Depends on my mood

Would you ever try being a vegetarian?
Possibly

Do you like your bed?
Somewhat

Are you busy tomorrow?
Heading home!

If YOU ( not your parents ) won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
A Canon 5D and a house for my mom

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
Not sure

Is it cute when guys/girl kiss you on your forehead?
Yesss (:

Would you prefer a small, intimate wedding proposal, or a big-scale, over-the-top proposal?
Small and intimate.

What’s bothering you right now?
I feel so sick /:

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
Sleeeeping

Do you drink more apple or orange juice?
Neither

You kissed someone today, didnt you?
Nooosir

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Weekends here! And I chilled with Rissa (:

Who is the first person you texted this morning?
No one

Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
Heart

When was the last time you gave your number to someone?
No clue

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something, but didn’t?
More than likely, no. Well, maybe. I don't know, I don't normally keep things to myself when they are itching at me to get them out.

What’s something you really want right now?
Frenchie Friess

Are you a mean person?
I can be, but then again, who can't?

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
Darcy? Nooo!

What’s your wallpaper on your phone?
An autumn picture (:

What do you hear right now?
STAY on Purevoulme (:

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I was told I did, but I hiiiiighly doubt that.

To make it count.

I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count.

Do you see me?

Did you notice?

Let's run away

 

Let's run away. Let's start over new. Let's forget the past ever happened. Is that a good idea? To pretend that the past never happened? I like to wish that some things never happened, but alas, they did, and I cannot change that. The best thing I can do is come to terms with the things that have happened, and do my best to forgive the people involved. "Impossible" is the world that is running through my head. It doesn't seem right that I should have to forgive people for doing something wrong to me, but unfortunately that's the way it works. I know I'll never get an apology from the one person that has hurt me the most, and I'm actually coming to terms with the fact that I won't. I would, however, like to run away. I would like to start over new. Who is with me?

The Stars and the Sky

Watch me fly. I will touch the stars, the sky, and the clouds. Just watch me. I will do it with or without you.

heheheh

This was just too cute to not post! (: hahah. I found it on deviantart a long time time ago, so I don't remember the account name it's from. ): If it's yours please comment this and I will give you credit! (:

Snail Mail?

I'm doing another shout out to anyone who would like to be pen pals!
If you are interested, please email me at portlandapaparazi@yahoo.com (one Z)
with your full name and address.
I will only be taking a few people, so if you don't receive a letter from me, I'm sorry! ):
Maybe next time (:

Happy Birthday to my BLOG! :D

My blog is THREE years old this month! It's official birthday isn't until the 25th, when I posted my very first post... but I'll be celebrating this whole month with blogging a lot of awesome posts!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISTER BLOG!

Dear Vicky!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR VICCCCCKKKKYYYYY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU! :D