I figured I should post this...

My Engagement Ring

I figured after my post last night, I should share a picture of my ring :) Pictures don't even come close to describing how beautiful it is. It looks very vintage, with a circle center stone and a halo cut ring of smaller diamonds around it, with two diamonds on the sides. I'm such a lucky girl for so many reasons :3!

2013

Well, here it is once again. I am continuing my (sort of) tradition of writing essentially a reflection of the nearly finished year. Well.. here we go.

2013 has been quite the year for me. Usually when I say words along those lines, there is a negative connotation behind it. This year, not a single bit. This year has, without a doubt, been the most exhilarating year I think I have ever experienced. So much has happened, so many lessons have been learned, so many goals have been achieved... 

In January, just a few days into the near year, I gave my boyfriend a small pill container that held five or so blades. I have not self injured since that day. I am almost back at one year clean, and although I am still slightly saddened that I slipped up after three years, I am so proud of myself for making the commitment to stop. 

I moved in at my boyfriend's house, and we are in the process of looking for our own place before March of 2014. Moving in with my boyfriend's family was an amazing step, it not only brought me and my boyfriend closer, but it brought me and his family closer as well. On top of that, mine and my dad's relationship evened out with a considerable change. We started getting along (for the most part) for the first time in my life. My mom and I are still working things out, but it is slowly getting better.

I strengthened a lot of good friendships this year. My two closest friends have proven to me so much this year that they are amazing people. I have also weeded out 'bad' friends, and taken more steps to become closer to those that I wanted to be friends with. My brother and I have become closer this year. We talk on a normal basis, give each other hugs when we see each other, make plans to hang out - he even came over to my side of the water (that's an hour bus and an hour long ferry for him) to celebrate my birthday with me. I also become closer with a lot of my extended family. Although I have always been close with my cousins, I began to see a side of a few of my cousins that I have never seen before. They started opening up to me more and more.

In May, I got my first job in nearly three years. I worked as a replenishment associate (aka, I was an after hours stocking and cleaning elf) at Michaels craft store. Within a week of getting my job, I got my license. I was so hesitant to get my license for five years because I was terrified of driving, but my oh so patient boyfriend helped me outside of my comfort zone. I then got a car, my turquoise go-go-mobile fully equipped with Yoshi and Koopa plushies, oh, and Togepi too! 

My boyfriend was able to come to my family's annual Campout with me, where he blended in so perfectly and I got the 500% approval rating from my family that he was a really great guy. (Which I of course already knew!)

I turned 22 this year! Oh goodness, where does time go? I remember starting this blog shortly after I had turned 16... what a lifetime ago that was. Twenty two hasn't held too many big things for me yet, other than the onset of "ohmygodwhatamIdoingwithmylife"-itus.

I continued my replenishment job through the week of my birthday, and then I switched to a cashier position! I'm still working at Michaels, and I have met some of the most awesome people that I luckily get to work with on an almost daily basis. I never would have thought that I would be able to come out of my shell working with the public. My anxiety still indeed does act up, but I am able to keep myself level so much more. With the help of my job, I am now able to hold, carry, and speak for myself as a human being. Something I had not been able to do before that. I was even the opening cashier on Black Friday...!

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated one year of being together. Shortly before our anniversary, though, I got the best present in the world. WE GOT ENGAGED! I have never had so many insta-tears while a giant smile broke through! Being in love like this is something I've never experienced before. We have yet to set a date for the wedding, but that will come soon after moving out. I am so excited to spend my life with my favorite person in the world!

It may not seem like a whole lot has happened for me this year, seeing as the normal drama bombs were no where to be found (thank goodness!), but honestly this year was such a magnificent achievement for me. I have never been so proud of myself.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy New Year.

-Alexa Marie

Update I guess

I've always thought that my life would be so much different that it is. To this day it bothers me that my life is so different than I've always wanted... different than I've always dreamed. I've always been so prideful about my independence but I've realized that the independence I used to love so much about myself no longer exists. I for some reason still refuse to accept help even when I know that I need it. I don't even really know what I'm trying to say, to be honest. I'm just scared about the future because of it's uncertainty. I wish I could say that I'm doing the things that I've always wanted to, like holding down a job, or going to school, or living in an apartment and things like that. I feel like I'm still living my life as a kid and I don't want to do that. I want to be the adult that I am and I'm so, so tired of not being able to figure out how to do that. My life has always bothered me, for obvious reasons, but as of lately my life has been bothering me more about the choices that I have been forced into making due to inevitable life circumstances. I've become too aware for my liking about the effects my past has had on my present and in turn my future. Everything is running through my head too quickly. My brain hurts. I can't keep overloading my mind again and again and hoping it won't explode. I'm just so goddamn frustrated.

Update

The last year has been so insanely difficult for me, which was proven to the world in mid-August. Now, it seems more and more things are piling up and I am over-saturated with stress in nearly every aspect of my life. My relationship with my mom is the worst it's ever been, and it's tearing me apart... she doesn't understand the magnitude of how she's hurt me. I miss her so much and I just want things to go back to the way they were... it's literally impossible at this point, though. My living situation with my dad is the worst it's ever been, also. It's preeeetty awesome having both my parental relationships flushing down the drain at the exact same rate... (/extremely obvious sarcasm). I can't keep living with my dad the way it is. I know my dad won't change in any good way, he's trying to move to a new house and refuses to do it while I'm living at home. Well, that would be fine and dandy, but my dad has been looking at new houses for two years now and told me the other day that he almost put an offer down on a house he liked, but didn't because of me. I don't drive, I don't have a job, and I have no money whatsoever. I want to live my life as a 21 year old SO badly and get a job and save up and move out and start my life. My real, true life. I want to do that so freaking badly but I am held back so viciously by the demons that I am plagued with battling every single day for the last 15 years. Living with my dad is pure hell, and it's driving me down even harder every day I stay there. The fights have been building and I'm just waiting for the one that will end with me being kicked out. I am trying not to think about the fact that all five of my grandparents are really ill, and I have done nothing but shove it to the back of my head and I KNOW how horrible that is. I am getting more and more depressed about my weight and I have been falling into more self hatred about it. I have never been as self conscious as I have been over the last few months and I am becoming scarily critical of myself. So much is stressing me out and I need to get away from everything... I need a solid plan but I can't do that with my head being this chaotic.. I'm getting scared for myself again. It's not good when this happens.

Happy (belated) Birthday, little blog!

As of October 25th, my little blog turned five years old! It's so crazy... I can remember so well starting this blog. Sitting in my mom's old apartment, sixteen years old, damaged from a near-year's worth of chaos... I found peace in this blog.

My site has evolved so greatly over the years. With name changes and a ton of different layout styles, as well as my writing style and my subject matter. This blog has seen the darker depths of my life and continues to record them for me while I straighten out my thoughts.

For the  last two years or so I have severely neglected this site, but I have always considered my blog to be a safe haven of sorts. I know that if I ever need to, I can always post here and not worry about judgements from my readers. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through my journey, and thank you to all of those who have watched me grow along with this blog. You all mean so much to me. :)

I thought this would help clear my head. I was wrong.

I'm stressed to my limit. I have been trying to keep myself calm and keep myself in check, but nothing is working. I'm finding that I have no self control when it comes to "dealing" with my stress, anxiety and mood swings, and I am doing things that are harmful. I know I shouldn't, and that's what's scaring me. I admit that I should not be doing these things, yet I still am, because it's easy and numbs me. I need to get out of this house more than anything. I know living with my dad is detrimental to not only my recovery for my mental health, but also my every day life. If leaving was an option, I would do it. But I know my dad won't let me come back if I do leave, and I quite literally have no money, and right now I have no way to make money. I'm tired of everything. I so badly just want to pack up everything and leave. I'm sick of not knowing how to help myself. I have no where to turn. I feel like I'm standing on a one-square-foot island that happens to be five hundred feet in the air with a volcano below it. One wrong move and I plummet downwards. The thoughts I'm having shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be thinking the things that I am, but I have no way to control it. I'm run down. I'm below empty. The last seven months have been hell. I just want this to be over.

Well..

I guess I should tell you guys that I'm no longer engaged. The decision to end things was mine, but it still hurt all the same. All I will say about it is that he proved to me that he couldn't be trusted, and I won't put up with that kind of thing. On top of that, the last few weeks have been pure hell, and there's no other way to explain it. I have been on a very frail limb for the last few months and last Sunday, it snapped. I have been off meds and my bipolar has been cycling very, very rapidly and extremely harshly. It's all I can do to wake up in the morning. I suck at updating this as it is, but it might be a while before I can really get back into blogging. I hope all you guys are doing better than I have been, and that you are enjoying the Spring. Take care everyone.

HOLY HELL!

Once again, 

I am a complete failure when it comes to updating this! 

I feels so bad, not just because of my followers, 

but because this blog has gotten me through some tough times,

 and now I seem to be neglecting it more than ever before.

Well, some big things have happened in the last nearly two months!

I am currently dating the most amazing guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting!

His name is Matt, and he's a sailor!

I live in a Navy town, so that's not too strange (haha).

Here's some pictures we took at Red Robin a few weeks ago!

Isn't he adorable?!
:D

Life has been quiiiite interesting as of lately,

and it just keeps getting more and more crazy!

But luckily, this time it isn't bad crazy...

it's busy crazy, and that I can deal with.

I had a job for about two months,
but sadly the position I was filling is no longer available.

I have been writing this post for the last week!
I keep forgetting it's in my drafts -___-


I have some REALLY exciting news
that I will post either later today or tomorrow..!

Oh!
Guess what I get to see tonight?!
TITANIC 3D!!!!!
I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!


Alright guys,
stay tuned for my exciting news!

Take care everyone!

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

I've been so busy lately! Last week I didn't have a single free day! I am pursing more photography opportunities, in which a promotion company here in my town asked me to be apart of their press team to photograph live bands! I also have a possible job lined up with my neighbor at her antique shop! Things are going well, but are also still pretty bad. Outwardly, everything is going great. Inside, though? Don't get me started. I switched doctors so I will have better access to getting my meds worked out, but it's still a long and draining process. Valentines day is also next week, and that always gets me in a weird mood. I hate that holiday. Though I know as soon as I have someone to celebrate it with, it will become my favorite. I hate that society does that do everyone. Last night was also the "Daddy Daughter Dance" that me and my dad have gone to for twelve years. It was fun, and I actually danced (oh my god, right?!) though the argument that ensued after we got home kind of killed the fun. I'll post pictures if and when I can of what we looked like last night! My dress was very pretty. There was also this little six year old girl dancing her ASS off last night. She was entertaining me like no other! Her fully sequined hot pink baseball hat helped add to her already outrageous swag. Hahaha.

I have also been back in contact with someone. You might remember Oklahoma? Well, yes. I'm sure you do. I've been talking (once again) to the guy I was supposed to move with. It's bittersweet. I love talking to him, and he's a wonderfully awesome person, but I know I'm not there and that sort of hits a nerve. It's not something I can fully explain through text on a blog, but just know that I'm trying my best to figure out my feelings towards all this. It's confusing, and complicated, though I am hopeful.

I've been talking to a bunch of other new people too, and it's really refreshing to feel accepted by new people. I've never really felt that before. I hope this continues. I need friends.

I will try my damnedest to update this more often. I know I have been promising that for the last eight months, but I'm really going to attempt this time. You can also follow me on tumblr, my url is dreamingofwildfires.tumblr.com

I love you all! Thanks for sticking by me throughout everything (`:

Until next time....!

The New Year

Well guys, it's upon us. We already have less than a year to live before the world implodes, or whatever (insert laughing audience here), but I wanted to take some time to review my year.. this might be a little difficult since I'm currently on Rissa's ipad but oh well!

This year I saw a lot of changes. The first quarter of the year was filled with a two week long relationship, a two week long job, graduating high school (FINALLY) and fights with my dad. That last one is pretty normal though. My relationship with my ex was an interesting one. In the end it boiled down to a lack of acceptance, and that was it! My job was at the corner store down the street from my house. Although my anxiety was was again a job killer, the relationships I made at CJ's (the store) are beyond awesome. They really are like my second family. Well, third. Rissa's family is my second!

The second quarter of the year was quite awesome, for one main reason. I met another (now ex) boyfriend and had probably the best relationship I've ever had. Granted it only lasted two weeks, but seeing as my record for longest relationship is only just over three weeks... Yeaaaah. Anyways! I had a wonderful time with my ex, and we are still good friends to this day. The beginning of summer was a lot of fun and I owe it all to great friends. I may not have a ton and a half of friends, but the friends that I DO have are some of the best out there. In May I celebrated two years clean from self injury. I cannot express how difficult staying clean has been. But I'm past two and a half years at this point and I'm still going. It's been rough. But I'm making it.

This July, my family and I were slammed with some horrible news. My Grandma Cath has stage 4 lung cancer. It's been difficult to say the least because, in the words of my grandma, "there is no stage 5." At this point it's pretty much just down to when. It's terrifyingly sad to know that someone so close to me and that I love so dearly is on the brink of death. I knitted her a hat, since she has no hair left, and she was so happy when I gave it to her. I need to focus on the positive. It's only going to get worse from here so I need to stay strong.

Summer was not what I was expecting at all. Perhaps it was because I was totally bummed out that I had to miss my family's annual campout, or maybe it was for some other unknown reason. Uncertainty sort of has a grip on my life, if you guys haven't noticed yet. I did have another short week and a half long fling with my brother's childhood best friend. Seven year old me was doing the happy dance, the at the time nineteen year old me just didn't feel that spark. We remained friends though, which is nice since I've literally known him most my life.

The end of summer was... (nearly) life changing. As you all might remember, I was two days away from flying to Oklahoma. I didn't go, due to a last minute change in plans on the Oklahoma side of things, and although I'm sad I didn't get to take the opportunity to get out of Bremerton, I'm very VERY glad that I stayed. You see, in order to move, I had to go off my bipolar meds. One of the ones I'm on is over $800 a month without insurance. While being off my meds, I cycled into a hypomanic episode in September and into October. I'm STILL dealing with the consequences of that one. I did some stupid stuff, but at least I had a good time while doing things! It was scary, because I haven't felt that intense of emotions since I was 15 (before I went on meds for the first time). It was relieving to some degree, and I say this for only one reason. It showed me that it's okay to be social. As weird and "well no shit" as that sounds, it's true. I had a great time and I didn't die, nor come close to it. I wish I could feel that way while being on meds. I miss the "middle fingers up I don't careeee" type of attitude. I miss it a lot.

My birthday was in early September, and I know everyone says that your 20th birthday is the lander one, but really, my birthday was horrid. My dad was on an Alaskan cruise with his girlfriend for HER birthday. Needless to say, I got the short end of the stick once again. I spent my birthday packing for Oklahoma (which then had to be unpacked) and sitting on facebook. Pinterest and tumblr were in there that day too, I'm sure.

The last part of the year has been crazy. I've been fighting like mad with the thoughts in my head, since I've been trying so hard to get my meds balanced correctly and effectively. It's definitely a process, one that I've been through half a dozen, if not more, times before. The last few months have flown by. Thinking back that my birthday was.. what.. four or five months ago?! Jesse! It doesn't seem that long ago at all! I met some great people, had some great times, and enjoyed life at some points (that's a bit of a challenge with me, by the way).

I think the best part of this year was the epic awesomeness that is love. Yes, dear followers, I fell in love this year. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but most of them have been good. I have only ever been in love one other time, but that was a long time ago, and with the wrong person. I couldn't tell you right now if I'm in love with the wrong person again this time. But I do know that time will tell, and if he is the wrong person, time will also heal me after the inevitable heartbreak. I'm letting things flow as they should, though. No more rushing things. Especially this.

All in all, this year hasn't really stood out compared to some of the others in the past. It was still a crazy year, sometimes down right depressing, sometimes awesome. I feel like this year has gone by entirely too quickly, but I'll just have to live with it!

Now, of course, it's time for my New Years Resolutions! I apologize in advance for the lack of bullets, as I said I'm on an ipad right now. (I also apologize for any typos and/or auto correct!)

Get serious with my photography
I have been wanting to pursue my photography as a business for years now, why wait any longer?

Cross off at least five things from my "list of things to do before the zombie apocalypse"
This one is pretty self explanitory. Oh and that's my term for Bucket List. I hate the phrase Bucket List.

Get in shape
This too is pretty obvious, but it's a good one. I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight or anything, I just want to get in shape!

Go back to school
This is something I've been wanting to do for a while. I hope I can make this into a reality.

Continue working on getting mentally healthy
This is a big one for me. It's important, but still a very challenging task. I must keep up with therapy and meds, as well as outside resources. By this I just mean other forms of help, like books and online articles.


Well now that i have written the longest text post on this ipad... I think I'll end it! But I would love to know what your guys' New Years Resolutions are! Leave them as a comment if you'd like!

Take care everyone!

Update

I'm back to being Autumn and the Make Believe.

Life has been so hectic lately, if you couldn't figure that out by my posts.. or lack there of. I've just been trying to get a hold of my mind. Hopefully it will happen sometime soon...

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you are enjoying the Holiday season. I will try to be back soon with some writings, and hopefully some pictures. 

Take care everyone.

(Here's a picture I took the other day)

Another Redo... and an update!

So I just redid my blog... again. I bet you guys are getting sick of me redoing it so much, huh? I'm hoping that this new look will get me back into the swing of blogging!

Another new thing: I've started writing my second book! This one is more fictional short stories, and I'm really happy with the ones I've already written.

Thirdly, I have missed you all! SO MUCH! I miss talking with you guys through comments and I miss connecting with you all through my writing! It's making me very sad, which means for the month of November, I am making it a priority to blog again!

How's everyone's Halloween plans coming along? I'm sure a lot of you are going out tonight and tomorrow night to celebrate. I have a family party to attend tomorrow and I'm knitting my kitty costume! (Well, I knitted my ears... now  I'm knitting my tail and then my paws!) What are you all dressing up as?! I'm really curious to know hehe!

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you all with a lack of posting, yet again.

Please bear with me!

I will be back here just as soon as I can.

Take care everyone,

and please let me know what you're dressing up as for Halloweenie, as well as what your plans for Monday are! I'm very curioussss!

Apology and Update (oh and a few pictures too!)

Hey guys,

I wanted to write a post for two reasons. First off, I really want to apologize to you guys for my lack of updates recently. I know a lot of you will probably say that I don't need to apologize, since it's my blog and I can post whenever I want. Although that is true, it doesn't change the fact that I feel so guilty for just randomly updating and barely posting anything that I feel is "good material". This leads us into reason number two for this post. Things have been... well, crazy around here. There's a lot of unforeseeable situations that have popped up, and it is my current goal to focus on getting myself better and stable. I really hope you all can understand this. To put it bluntly, I just don't have the energy or focus to sit down and write out a heartfelt post. You can, however, check out my tumblr page (click this) because I post random thoughts on there throughout the day. I wish you all the best in the coming days, weeks or whatever until I can fully commit myself to writing out "good" posts on here. Take care you guys, and thank you for all the continued support. 

Oh and here's some pictures I took yesterday - the weather was so fantastically fall!

These were taken at the end of my street! With the exception of the seagull, he was in the park (which is ACROSS the street from my house) Also, these were taken with my Rebel XS and my 75-300, except for the second one up from the bottom (the "chewed up" leaf) which was taken with my 18-55.

Autumn

Autumn is officially here. Seattle saw it's usual weather cycle this weekend. Bright and sunny, then pouring rain, then super crazy winds. Oh, and a power outage! I spent my weekend with my friends, over on the Seattle side. I left Friday and just got back last night. The last two days of my little adventure were beyond words of explanation. I seriously cannot begin to tell you guys how awesome I have been feeling lately. I'm sure I will post about that soon, seeing as I started writing about it while laying down last night. I really like the track that my mind is on, and honestly, I feel so free. I like this feeling. This feeling is AMAZING. I hope that this season is awesome. I don't have any expectations, I just have that gut instinct that has me really excited for Fall/Winter. I'll be back either later today or tomorrow to fill you guys in on that feeling I was talking about earlier. Take care.

Once Again!

Well I redid my blog, AGAIN. I've been having that urge to revamp it for a while, and since I finally finished cleaning today, I figured that I would reward myself a little bit! As you can see, I renamed my blog as well. I absolutely LOVE Autumn and the Make Believe, but it just got to be a hassle trying to type it out all the time. So, I present to you my new and improved blog: Crooked Clouds! I really hope to start jumping back into the blogging world again, I just haven't had much time lately, and I have been having writers block... UGH! I promise you all though that I will be back into the swing of things just as soon as possible. How are you all doing? Hopefully well. I have been doing pretty well, all things considered. I really want to go back to school for Winter quarter, seeing as I missed Fall quarter (they started today) but I have to convince my dad to pay for it... yeah, it's going to be quite difficult. Anyways, that's where I'm at with life! Anything you guys are curious about? I feel like there's a gaping hole with my life here on blogger.. so if you guys are wondering about anything that's going on, please ask! I have a lot going on and I know I'm probably forgetting SOMETHING that you guys want to know! I say this a lot, but, take care everyone (:

Update

It's been a very eventful two weeks. I have gone places, done crazy things, quite possibly could have gotten arrested (more than once) and hung out with some awesome people. Now I am back to the real world, still in Seattle, all while rethinking my entire life. Things have flipped in totally new directions and I'm honestly terrified. My current "home" is doing nothing but bringing me down further, so I'm trying to untangle that mess, as well as trying to figure out money, schooling, emotions and a brain that over thinks just about everything. Deciding on what you want to do with your life is quite horribly frustrating, as I'm sure most of you know. I've bounced around from photographer to writer to used book store owner to dental assistant to joining the military. The last two have me in shock. I have so much to think about, so much to do, in such a little amount of time. My dad is not supporting anything I try to do, which is stressing me out even more than I was in the first place. I feel like I've put my biggest passions to the side. Photography is on the back burner until I can figure all this out. I have been neglecting my poor followers (that's you guys!) with a lack of updates and posts. I also feel like my head has been spinning so much that I can't write, which frustrates me probably the most. I really don't want to be in this situation, but here I am, and I can't stop it. I will try my best to keep you guys in the "know" about what's going on, but as for now I must go clean and think. I hope you all are doing well and if you're starting classes good luck! Take care everyone.

Long Story Short

Well, to make a very long story short....

I'm not in Oklahoma.
I am still, sadly, in Seattle.
The last week has been craaaazy fun though,
so I'm not complaining too much.


It's funny how fast life can change.


Oh and periods suck.
In case you didn't know already.

Life

Oh goodness, guys! I've neglected you for almost a week, which is pretty much unheard of when it comes to me blogging! I have been a busy bee, with my best friend coming over last week, my cousin coming over last weekend, cleaning the house a bunch and going through everything I own. I also have some big news brewing for you guys, but unfortunately I cannot tell you all juuust yet. I will absolutely as soon as I can though! I promise. I am really excited for life at the moment. Things are going pretty damn well, and although I had a little weird thing going on yesterday with my mood (not sure what happened AT ALL), I am a happy person. I can genuinely say that. As always, I hope you are all doing great, and that life hasn't shaken you in any way. Take care everyone!

Update

Well.

This weekend was fun, though it ended not so well. I won't get into details, but we'll just say things aren't going the way I wanted them to. But hey, when does life ever go the way you want it to?

I guess life is going just fine, I am trying to figure out what the hellllll I want to do with  my life. I don't really know.. at all.. what I want to do. I have my dream of a used book store, but it seems so far away..

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well.

I will get back into writing soon,

very soon,

I promise!

Take care everyone.

Please take a second to read this

I found out today that someone extremely close to me has a form of cancer. She is at stage four right now, and it scares the shit out of me that I don't know what's going to happen. This person has been apart of my life literally since the day I was born. I don't know what to do. I have burst into tears five separate times today, and I don't know how long I can hold it together. I cannot lose her.. I just can't. I really just hope that she gets better, for her own sake as well as everyone else's.. but Jesus Christ this is so scary. I'm asking a simple favor from you guys. Please, just take a second to send happy thoughts towards my family. I'm not religious at all, but if you are, please take another second to pray for her. This is a really tough time for my family, and I didn't know what else to do.. other than ask you guys for a little emotional help. This came as a complete shock, seeing as this person has been pretty healthy. I just need you guys to take those seconds and do that for me.. please. That's all I'm asking..

I know I ask you guys for happy thoughts somewhat often, but really, we truly need them right now.