The Ones That Fell

I waited. But I waited too long, so soon I faded. I faded into the dark, into the night, into the moon's everlasting light. I could tell I was tired, but the sleep never came, after that night, I wasn't the same. I wanted to run, to get away from it all, but when I took a step, I took a fall. I tumbled down, past the ground, my vision turned to haze, and I had to find a way out of the maze. The planet I knew so well, turned upside down and everyone fell, they flew right past me and I couldn't catch one, I knew then that I was done. I had taken all that I could take, I had made all the mistakes I could make. Now that the world was turned around, I didn't hear a sound. The silence scared me, it made me think, it made me laugh and it made me blink. I batted my eyes to get the emptiness out of my mind. The story told by the silence and the empty shells, was told by me and my experience in Hell. I walked Earth after the darkest of nights, and no one seemed to notice that I was battling those fights. I can remember their voices, the ones of the dead, the ones that once lived inside my head. The ones of the people, now beneath me, the ones of the people who we cannot see. I kept telling myself that they would disappear, but they thrived on my fear. These are the ones that fell when the world tipped, and now the tables are turned, the positions are flipped. These are the ones that fell, too far, so far in fact, that I know damn well, they are never coming back.

25 Before 25

So Kaelah's post had me inspired to take my "25 Before 25" list off my bulletin board and to post it to you guys!

I created this list a little less than a year ago, and I just realized that I marked off my THIRD thing! (: Any links to your guys' lists? I'd love to see them! (:

Some updates!

I will be hosting a giveaway soon! :D! YESSS! It will be when I reach 1,000 posts, which is coming up within the next fifteen posts!

My very close and dear friend Leslie has been awesome enough to crochet something for the giveaway! :D
Here's her etsy, (click here), so you can see her amazing talent!
I already have a few things from her, like two market bags and a star hat, and I LOVE them!
SO! Get ready you guys.. I'm thinking the giveaway will be within the next week! :D

Also, there has been quite a bit going on these last few days..
I apologize again for the lack of updates,
although I'm feeling better, my wisdom teeth are coming out soon! ):

Anyways,
I hope you all have had a lovely week.
I have had a very.. frantic week.
It's been full of ups and downs.

Take care guys,
and remember to watch out for the giveaway!

Reality

It's all starting to sink in,

and I don't even know if it's true yet.

Sick

Hey guys, I don't know how much I'll be posting the next few days for two reasons;
 
1) I'm pretty sick right now /:
2) and my wisdom teeth are coming in, and I'm pretty sure I'll be getting them pulled soon, if not today.

So I apologize in advance for the lack of updates.

Take care guys!

I forgot (;

I forgot to mention someone in my "Friends" post...


Here's your shout out, Kevin ;D
hahah

I Think

I think I just need to realize that it just won't ever work out.
As much as I am begging for it to, because deep in my heart and soul I feel that it would be right..
I just don't think it will.

Here's to being unfinished business, good sir.


Oh and to someone else, stop acting like you know everything. You really, really don't.

Friends

Recently, it has become clear who my real friends are. Today, one of my closest friends, Carissa, or Rissa as I call her, is coming all the way across the ferry to my house! She's going to stay the night, and I really can't wait to see her. Most of the time, people blow me off. They have no consideration to who they are hurting. For instance, my graduation party was last weekend. This "friend" of mine, who I invited, said she would get back to me about going. She never did. Then a day before my party, she said "Sorry I can't come, stuff came up." I was like "Kay thanks. You couldn't have told me that two weeks ago?" This same "friend" pulls crap like this ALL the time. I invite her somewhere a month in advance, she says "Ask me in three weeks." So I do, and she has plans. I ask her a week before and she says "Ask me earlierrrr I have plansss." I just can't win!

Ashley, Leslie, Rissa, Jamie, Cody, Hayley and Nicole,
thank you all for actually being my friends.
I know not everyone is perfect, and sometimes we all make mistakes,
but you guys are the ones that are there most of the time.
You guys are the ones that make everything bearable (:

Rain

I was always told that April showers bring May flowers. I was also told that you have to wait out the rain for something better to come along. What happens though, after the sun has set and the rain has subsided, there's still nothing? What happens when the stars and the trees come out to dance, and you are stuck inside, dreaming wondering hoping praying about anything that will make this life better. The answers, if they even are answers, are not simple. The complexity of this life is beyond my mind, and probably yours as well. The thing is, it is my life. As far as I am concerned, I have one shot to be who I am right now. I may not be the best at what I do, I may have a lot of flaws, and I may cry more  than others. That doesn't make me any less of a person, that doesn't make me any less "me." As much as I have been through in this life, I am proud of myself, because I didn't let the break ups, the bad friendships, the fights, the bullying, or anything permanently break me down. I'm not saying I never broke down, because that would be quite frankly impossible, but I never ceased to exist because of what anyone did. I'm stronger than that. I may not have thought so a few years ago, but now... Now I'm the one looking out and wondering, "What do I do next?" 

This weekend

Alright guyssss, it's that time! I get to bombard you all with pictures from my graduation party, my weekend with my cousin Megan (she stayed at my house from Friday to Sunday) and seeing my other cousin's and their daughters! :D

Here they areee!

Hannah and Megan!

Hannah and I (: Everrrrryone says we look like sisters!

 Megan and I :D hahahah

We traced our hands.. THANKFULLY it wasn't Sharpie! hahaha

Megan and I!

 Pretty much sums up Friday night :b

 One of my decorations :D I'M DONEEE! :D

 My camera necklace, a grad present from my dad (:

 Nicole and I (:

 Me, Nicole (Being weird...) and Allison!

Sasha and I :D

There you go guys! Just a select few of the 350 pictures that were taken this weekend! haha :D

(Almost) Two Years

My two years of being clean from SI is creeping up, and the official month will be in May. I do not count the exact days, as I have found that trips me up quite a bit. The other night, as I was falling asleep, I kept thinking about doing it. I hadn't had one of those kind of urges in a while. It was one of the ones where when I close my eyes, all I see is red. I think about every feeling I used to get when I did it, and that scared me.. a lot. I of course didn't do anything, as for I am a strong person. I had to keep telling myself that though, that I was a strong person. It really isn't easy for anyone who has struggled with SI to just stop thinking about it. It has been apart of my life for eight years, obviously it isn't just going to go away. The difference is though, three or four years ago, I would have just given up the fight. I would have said, "Oh well, I'm going to do it again, why not tonight?" Not anymore. I have waited so long to be able to say I am done. I struggled for so long, I went through too much. Here's the thing. I have been through too much since I stopped to do it again. I can't speak about the future, but as of this moment in time, as of the last two years, I'm not going to do it again. I will not break. I have come too far.

Cousins!

This is my cousin Haley and I (taken in January of 2009!) Today we are going to the mall and getting some coffee to catch up. We haven't seen each other in FOREVER, despite living pretty close to each other. We used to be connected at the hip! We were inseparable when we were younger, but over time we have grown a little apart. I miss the old days, when we would spend the night at each others houses after Thanksgiving, or when we got a little older and would go Black Friday shopping at three in the morning! Today will be a lot of fun, I haven't had a chance to reallyyyy talk to her in a very, very long time. I didn't even get to see her at the Christmas party last year! That was NUTS. We have never missed a Boyce Family Christmas party in our lives, but she was in Mexico so she couldn't come! Anyways, today will be awesome, I can't wait to hear about how her senior year of high school is going, and how her new job is!

 

I think it would be safe to say, that I'm okay.

Break Ups

Sweeeeeeeeeeet.
I got dumped this morning.
Over the phone.
I swear to goddd I am cursed.
For some reason people don't want to date me for longer than like a week.
AWESOME.
My longest relationship was a month.
I'm nineteen years old.
That's PATHETIC.
Yep.

Birthday

My birthday is still a little over five months away, but something just kind of hit me. I will spending my 20th birthday alone. Well, probably alone. My dad's girlfriend's birthday is two days before mine, and for her 40th, they're going on a cruise. SO. I get to spend my 20th birthday alone, since I will probably be working and won't be able to go over to see my mom. Awesome. Knowing my dad, I won't be allowed to have a party, even though I'll be TWENTY years old, so I will more than likely have like one person over. To watch movies. Cool bro.

Ugh. 

Sorry guys.. I just had to get that out there..

day 30- Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.

Oh wow. I have grown actually A LOT in the last month. I got a job, a boyfriend, and I GRADUATED. I feel like I have so much to do still, but I am actually very happy with where I am in life. I really, really enjoy life right now. If you had asked me if I did two years ago, I would have said "absolutely not" in a heartbeat. So maybe the real question is, "In what ways have I grown in the last two years?" That's an easy one. I have come so far in the last two years, but most importantly, I am proud of myself for getting this far.

day 29- What you live for.

I live for myself. No one else. It took me a very, very long time to see that this was the route that I needed to take in order to be happy, either a little bit or a lot, with my life. It's hard sometimes, for it would be easier to make other people happy, but in the end - it is I who needs to be loved and accepted by myself. A hard lesson to learn, but quite simply, the best one to learn.

day 28- A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. what is your definition of happiness?

I don't know how well I can answer this.

Sorrrrry /:

day 27- Your definition of the meaning of life.

This isn't a question I can answer. Don't people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life? I wish I knew the answer to this. I really do, because then, maybe, this would all make a little more sense. I don't understand the "meaning" of life, nor do I even believe there is a meaning of life. I really don't know if there is a meaning, but I definitely won't believe anyone at my age who says they have it figured out.

day 26- Your definition of love.

So I forgot to post yesterday, so this is yesterday's, and today's will be posted later.

Wow, I really don't know if I could put to words my definition of love. It is something so great, so powerful, that it's nearly impossible to put into words, at least in my opinion. I don't think I can answer this one. Honestly, I have never been in love, so I don't know the exact feelings. All I know is from what people have told me. It's the "all I want to do is be in their arms forever" kind of thing. I want that.

Apartment Inspo!

day 25- Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do. I have given this so much thought, but nothing seems to come to mind. I mean, I really can't think of things I want to do to. It kind of scares me..

Thunderstorms and Long Walks

I just got back in from a sort of long walk in the middle of the thunderstorm that is pounding down right now. I don't like what's going on right now. Not the thunderstorm, but what happened today. I like him, I really, really, REALLY like him. And I know he likes me the same. Which is what is scaring me so much. I've figured out something though. I need to suck it up and go with the flow. It feels right. THIS feels right. I just need to stop worrying so goddamn much and realize that this is a good thing. I want to be with him, I want to see where all of this goes. I guess my insecurities were getting to me. Something that happens far too often. I just hope this doesn't set us back. I hope that we can move on from this, and see where this relationship takes us. That's what I want.

day 24- Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.

I honestly don't think I did anything as a kid that people remember me for... Maybe me and the "gang" creating the game Corners in elementary school. That's all I can really think of, and even then people didn't really remember me. I'm not the kind of person people actually remember.

day 23- Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given

Hm. Well, I feel like I give awkward first impressions just about every single time I meet someone, but I'd have to say it was the time I was in Seaside, Oregon, when this girl I had met there and I were just sitting in the elevators pressing the buttons for people. I was 14 years old when we went, and I had never seen anyone with GIANT plugs before. WELL. This guy came on the elevator and he had those see those hollow gauges. When I saw that his plugs were huge, I just stared at him, then I said "Can I stick my finger through your ear?" And he pressed the open door button and ran out. HAHAH. Yeah. AWKWARDDDD!

day 22- Someone you would give your life up for without question.

My Maey. No doubt about it.
I don't really think I need to explain myself about this one,
but my Maey has been there for me throughout everything.
The only person that has never once judged me, looked down upon me,
or gave up on me.

I love her to death.. literally.

Dirty Knees and Bruises

I sit here wondering, about the past, the present and the future. Cliche topics to be thinking about, to say the least, but here I am, still wondering about them. It's common knowledge that my life has been anything but easy, but that's the past, and that's going to stay in the past. So now I am dealing with the present, the wonderful, joyful present. For once in my life I can say that I am truly happy, and I got there (mostly) by myself. I have picked myself up off the ground, I have brushed myself off, and I have kept on going. That's not something I normally do. I may have dirty knees from falling so much, I may have bruises covering my body from being hurt, but the most important thing is that it's not permanent. The dirty knees can be brushed off, the bruises will slowly disappear. I am doing things with my life, things that will impact the future. The future. What an awesomely scary word. Normally, I would have had my entire life planned out by now. Exactly what I'll be doing in 258 days, what I will be doing three years after that. I'm trying to learn to let go of the annoying, overpowering control I have on everything I do. It's amazes me that at one point I would have done anything. Now.. well, now I sit at home on most days. I want to live my life, I am nineteen and a half years old, and I have little to nothing to show for it. That's where things are changing. I refuse to be a twenty-something with no life one day. I have waited and waited for things to turn around for good. Usually, when things start going well, it takes about two weeks tops before it all comes crashing down. I don't want that to happen this time. I am in a good place, emotionally and mentally, and I wish that everyone could see that. I don't know exactly what's going on right now, but I'm okay with that. I'm actually okay with letting go and seeing where things take me. I've done things like this before, letting go, I mean. I was a few years younger though and it never felt 'right'. This time, it does. This time, it feels like it's all going to be okay.

day 21- Your favorite medium of art

Well this isn't obvious at allllll!
/sarcasm.

Photography! Duhhhh! (:

Hm, not sure what else to sayyyy...
bleh.
merrrrp.
meeewww.
arrggg.

(:

This is awesome

 

That is all ^__^

Tumblr

So I find it to be really funny how people on tumblr are OBSESSED with the fact that it's a secret and only the people on tumblr can be on tumblr. REALLY NOW? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you a new "blogger" on tumblr once? So, you can't exactly get pissed off at people who are new to tumblr.. since you were new to tumblr once upon a time as well.

Also, I don't believe in reblogging everyone else's crap as "blogging".

Yes, that's what I do on tumblr, but this right here, is my blog.

Not my tumblr.

ALSO!
Please, for the sake of everyone on the internet.. 'scuse me, "interwebs", SHUT UP about tumblr going down. Maybe that's a sign that you should come to blogspot (:

Haha sorry guys, just had to get that out there :b

I have a job!

:D I got a job at the corner store down the street from my house! :D

I'm excited! I start next week!

day 20- A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY!

hahah

I heard Nightmare of You back in like.. 2005 and this was the first song I heard by them (as it is for most people)

anyways, here is I Want to be Buried in Your Backyard, by Nightmare of You!

I have...

I have a few things atm! I have a test grade of 53 out of 50 on my math test, I have an overall grade in math of 99%, I have an overall grade in photography of 100%, I have a job interview tomorrow.. andd.. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.


:D

I must say, life is pretty awesome right now (:

The Future

So I've been thinking for a few weeks now, "What am I going to do with my life after I graduate?" Well, Leslie and I have been talking about this, since we're both kind of in a rut right now, and I realized.. I GRADUATE NEXT WEEK. And all I have planned out is to exercise more. Now, I like to plan everything. Especially my life, but this time.. I have no plans. I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. I've thought about moving back in with my mom (if things go according to plan with my brother moving out of there first) and then getting a job, and getting my life back on track.. again.. over there. I just don't know what to do. I'm so stuck with everything. I have been since I first dropped out of school  four years ago. hmph!

day 19- A passage from a book that has touched you

"Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect the pain inflicts. 

If one can endure pain, one can live without suffering. 

If one can withstand pain, one can withstand anything. 

If one can learn to control pain, one can learn to control oneself. " 

- James Frey (from My Friend Leonard)

Let's go

I get in these moods quite often, where I just feel like packing up and leaving. The sad part? I don't know if I would ever want to come back. I mean, I'm sure I would at one point, but the desire to leave is so pressing, it makes me want to explode. I have finally gotten into a good place, and now I want to pick myself up and leave? Hm. That doesn't really make too much sense.. but who is to say that I want this to make sense? Sometimes I guess it's good to just go with the flow, not worry, and just have fun. I don't think I've done all of those things combined in four years. Four years. That's a very long time if I do say so myself. I wish that there was something more to my existence. Something that isn't in a person, or an action. It's something that can old be found through adventure. And adventure is what I want.

day 18- A picture that makes you feel

This picture makes me really happy (:

Shaky Bones

 I find it to be horribly amazing how my mind works. I can be so happy on the inside,  yet what you see on the outside is anything but. I have been replaying last night in my head, over and over again, and I really don't know what happened. Well, I know what happened, but what I mean is I don't know what happened within me. I thought I was beyond this. Scratch that, I didn't think I was beyond all of it. I thought I was past the freak outs, the tears, the tummy turning feelings. I feel like this is a huge step backwards for me, and all the while he's freaking out because he thinks he did something wrong. I've told him that it wasn't anything he did. These freak outs happen with a lot of people. Hell, 99% of people. I wish he could see inside of me, like an x-ray perhaps, and see my heart beating for him or the cute little butterflies fluttering around my stomach - the good kind. Maybe, though, he'd also see my shaky bones, the ones that hold me up. I do not regret what happened. I just wish that my shaky bones would calm down, and that my mind would realize that this time is different. This time, I don't believe he's leaving.

day 17- What you want to remembered for.

Hm.. what do I want to be remembered for.. 

I think I would like to be remembered for being a nice person. I always try to be compassionate, caring, and empathetic towards people, although I'm not perfect and sometimes slip up. I think being remembered as being the nice girl would be lovely, I don't want to be remembered for anything extravagant because I'm not that kind of person. I'm shy and quiet until you get to know me. My friends are everything to me, and I hope they know how much they mean to me. I have a philosophy that is pretty much "I will be nice to you until you give  me a reason not to be." This doesn't mean that if you do something mean towards me I will automatically be a bitch. What I mean by this is that if you are consistently negative towards me, always being rude, mean, or whatever, then I'm just not going to be friends with you. I'm not going to spend my time and energy trying to make a friendship work if the other person isn't putting the same positive time and energy back into it. I hate having enemies, so usually if I get into it with someone, in the end I'm the one to say "hey, let's be civil about this."

Okay, I got a little off subject there..

But yeah, that's what I would like to be remembered for. Being a nice person.

Awesome (:

I find it awesome that I have no problems talking to this boy. I just feel so comfortable around him, it's pretty neat (:

Well it's time for me to get some sleep, I can't wait to see him tomorrow (:

Goodnight all!

day 16- Something that you want to do within the next five years.

Well, this is quite obvious for anyone who knows me. In the next five years I would like to be married. I think the whole concept of settling down is just simply amazing. To me, marriage isn't just living happily ever after, because quite frankly, I think that is just ridiculous. Marriage in my eyes is the constant give and take, the ups and downs, and back and forth. The way I see it, you can't just get married and then stop working on your relationship. That's not how it works! I see it as always knowing that there is something to be discovered, something that to be sought after. There is always new exploration inside of people, the "job" of a husband or wife is to find that exploration inside of their spouse. This is just my theory, but I think it's a pretty damn good one.

Photo Show

So I don't know if I told you guys, but I entered my college's photo show! And my photography professor sent out an email with the winners.. I WON TWO PLACES! AHHHH! I won first place in the Nature category for this picture:

And I won second place in the Straight-Shoot category for this photo:

Basically... I'm awesome. hahaha :D!

Acceptance

It's quite an amazing feeling when you find someone who accepts you. I don't mean the "Oh.. I'm always here for you" bull crap that a lot of people pull. Words aren't everything, it's the meaning behind them that counts. I jump the gun... A LOT... as most of you know. I meet someone and instantly I'm like planning my wedding with them. Kind of pathetic, aye? This time I'm really trying not to, because this boy seems pretty much awesome, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize what's going on here. Last night I didn't feel one bit of awkwardness, which is amazing if you know me. My anxiety got a bit high, but that's normal, and I was talking to him like I've known him for years. It scared me  a little bit. But the point is - it didn't scare him. I was 100% there, with him, in reality, talking about the past and I didn't have any second thoughts about telling him. That's the first time that's ever happened to me. Pretty much, my point is, I feel accepted. It scaring me, because I've never felt acceptance from anyone other than family and friends before, but it feels right. I want to see where this goes.

day 15- A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.

No further explanation is needed if you listen to the lyrics.

Tonight!

Tonight I am going out with my best friend Ashley, her boyfriend Nick and his friend Alex! It'll be a lot of fun (: I'm excited! Sorry for the short post, I'm on my itouch so it's kind of hard to post on here! Happy Saturday everyone (:

day 14- Best mashup you’ve ever heard

Welllll I don't know what a 'mashup' is... so I can't really answer this... o__O

30 Days of Lists/ CAT DAY!

http://30daysoflists.blogspot.com/

If you guys are looking for a journal project, this is definitely the best one I've found so far!
It's really fun, even though I just started it yesterday... ^__^

Also, did you guys know that it's Cat Day today?

Well, it is, so must bombard you with pictures of my KITTEEEHH!

 I'm not sure why his eye looks glossed over.. I promise it's not normally like that!

 :D

 BIIIIG Yawn

Hahah he loves to get super up close to the camera!

Alright. (Rant)

I was just browsing tumblr (reason #92347 why I like love blogger over tumblr) and I saw a random girl's blog. WELL. On this blog had a post about psych wards, and they don't help people just turn them into "medicated zombies" yet she claims she's never even been to a ward. STUPID IDIOTS SHUT YOUR MOUTHS. Unless you have actually been in one, you don't know the first thing about them. They can't pump you full of meds without yours or your parents CONSENT (parents if you're under 18) SO. Stop being ignorant and maybe, just maybe, get your freaking facts straight and stop acting like you know everything about mental illness, because guess what, not even the doctors know as much as you claim to.

Oh, and another thing, I find it to be REALLY hilarious when people claim to have ADD and ADHD. Or Bi-polar and Depression. Or anything else like that. Because GUESS WHAT! Those are ADHD is a variation of ADD, you can't have both. Same with Bi-polar and Depression. That'd be like me saying "I have a waffle and a waffle with syrup." Yeah, pretty ridiculous, right?

/rant

day 12- Your favorite musical artist’s life story

Okay, so I couldn't decide between my two favorite bands, Nightmare of You and He Is We!
So here's both!

He Is We << Bio/Story

NOY << Wikipedia Page

A Post for Leslie! :D

 

HUZZAHHH! You're welcome Leslie :D

day 11- Favorite picture ever taken of yourself

Although I took this picture of myself (I believe it was May or June of 2010) I love it, because for ONCE people don't look at it and say, "Your eyes look so sad.." I had just celebrated one year clean from SI, and I had also just gotten my first tattoo. I guess you could say it was the start of being in a good place finally, and I think it reflects in this picture.

Dig Deeper

I waited, so long, for you to come around, but you never did. I keep thinking back to that night.. yes, that night. When our embrace was so innocent yet so intimate, cleverly tricking me into thinking that there would be something more one day. Then I really think about it, could there be any more to what had already happened? In an emotional way, yes. In a physical way, no. We could dig deeper into our hearts, deeper into our souls, but that's never what you wanted. I always tell people, "It was bound to happen. I'm just glad it happened sooner than later." I wanted you, and in a way I had you, but not in the way I wanted. I replay those years that we went back and forth with the do I's and don't I's. Where did I go wrong? When did things crash? When did the road become so bumpy? I know that it's over and done with, and that we can never go back to being what we were. You told me once, "I don't love you. I thought I did, but I don't." Well did it ever occur to you that I might have loved you? I did, at one point. I don't know if I can really call it true love, though, because as you so blatantly stated, you never loved me. Maybe I'm not the one that screwed up our friendship. Perhaps it was you, perhaps it was both of us. Maybe no one is to blame, and it was just a natural occurrence, and there was nothing we could have done to stop it. We will never know, because we never tried, but that's okay with  me now. I'm okay with the fact that we aren't meant to be. I'm moving on, and you will no longer pull me into the past.

day 10- A dream you had this past week described in detail

A dream I've had in the last week? Hmmm.. Well, I had this one that I was hanging out with a really cute guy, who shall remain nameless, and it was just a really awesome dream. We went to this like amusement park thing, and we were riding all the rides, and having so much fun. I don't really remember everything that happened in the dream, but I remember eating ice cream then going on a roller coaster and throwing it up. hahahah wtf, right? Anyways, we had a ton of fun and then I woke up and was like "DAMMIT" because it was only a dream -___-

Random Titanic Correlation

Okay, so you know in Titanic when Rose and her "crew" is at lunch, and Cal orders her meal, and then he looks at her and says "You like lamb, right sweetpea?" And then Rose does that little "ugh" smile at him?

That's what I think of EVERY time I smile when I don't actually want to, or feel like, smiling.

Including when I'm on the internet.

Too True

Self Injury Awareness Month

Today kicks off Self Injury Awareness Month. If you or someone you know has struggled, or is struggling with SI, you are not alone. I know how empty those words can sound when you are in the darkness of depression, believe me, I was there too. I am living proof that you can overcome this addiction. And that's what SI can become, an addiction. It did for me. I have spent eight years of my life struggling with that addiction. But I have been clean for almost two years. If any of you ever need someone to talk to, someone outside of your normal circle, I am here. I know how difficult it can be to turn to the people you love, because you don't want them to think badly of you. If anyone needs advice on SI, either for themselves or someone they know, please do not hesitate to email me (portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com). If you want anonymous help, all you have to do is anonymously comment on this post. I will do my absolute best to try and help you make the next step, or help you figure out how to help a friend or family member make the next step. If you are interested in SI help books, the one I recommend the most is Bodily Harm. It was written by the staff at S.A.F.E Alternatives, and it really helped me. Their website can be found here.

Please, don't let the vicious cycle of self injury overtake anymore lives.

Also, orange is the color for SI awareness and recovery support. If you wear orange at least one day this month, you can silently support the cause.

day 09- Five things you want to see change

Here's five things that I would like to see changed (in no particular order):

1.  The way people, and I mean everyone, treat one another. It's so incredibly ignorant the way people think they are better than someone, or everyone, because of one reason.. or even eight seven reasons for that matter. I have not been the nicest person to people my whole life, but I have a philosophy. "I will be nice to you until you give me a reason not to be." In other words, if you think it's a "good idea" to bitch me out, then I'm not just going to sit there and take it. People say that's "stooping down to someone's level" but I see it as standing up for myself. If you guys haven't heard yet, there's a day of peace going on on facebook this Friday, here's the link.
2.  The way I see myself in the mirror. I don't think this really needs explanation, I just don't like what I see most days.
3. The relationship between my brother and I. We used to get along.. when we were under the age of ten.. but I tell everyone that puberty did something to my brother, where he pretty much loathed my existence. Things have gotten better recently, but I still wish that I could go to him and just talk.
4. My mom's financial issues. She has struggled so much these last few years with money, and recent events have put her into a hole of depression because of it. I wish that I could just change all of it, not necessarily give her all the money in the world, but just make it so that she isn't wondering if she'll get evicted next month, or if she will have money for food, or when she'll get her car back. I just want to help.
5. The feelings I have towards him. The god-awful-feelings that I have for him. They were awesome, loving, amazing feelings.. at one point. Now, those feelings still exist somewhere, somehow, but it's just not the same anymore. I wish he would just get out of my head and let me be. I know I'm so much better off without him, without someone like him.. but sometimes feelings just don't go away over night. I wish they did. Oh, how I wish they did.