I'll never let go. I promise.

It is no surprise to anyone that has known me, at any point in my life, that I struggle with quite a few mental disorders. Over the last two years, I have worked harder than I ever have to banish them to the back of my skull and live my life. My fiance has been a huge part of this for me, he has given me more courage and support than anyone else, and with him by my side I feel as if I could take on the world (but in a level headed, non-manic way).

I have known since I first met my fiance that he struggles with severe depression. Us both having mental disorders scared the crap out of me at first - surely, if no stable minded (hah! yeah right..) ex boyfriend of mine could handle my "craziness", a man with his own mental chaos would have that much more of a hard time handling things, right?

My fiance explained it to me, within the first week of our relationship, as this: "We are more of an A-frame, we will hold each other up rather than pulling each other down." This explanation made a lot of sense, and up until a month or two ago, it was working.

In the last two years, certain things have happened that completely boggle my mind - I can't understand how I have managed to stay standing, how I haven't broken down from the stress. I have felt as if I am on a very, very small edge though - like all it's going to take is that one thing that sets me off and I will fall down.

Lately, my fiance's depression has been creating a wedge between us. I have run out of ideas on how to help - he's terrified to open up to me and to talk, but when either of us bottles things up, regardless if they are about the other person or not, we will start bickering. It breaks my heart because I want to be there for him; I want to be his shoulder to cry on. I want him to know that nothing can ever push me away because I will fight for him; I will fight with him. I will do anything to see his real smile, and I will never give up on getting it.

It has become so frustrating - in a "four year old throwing a tantrum for not getting their way" manner - seeing him succumb to the darkness in his head. I love my fiance, and I hate to see him so low. The head spaces he finds himself in are all to reminiscent of what I used to experience - and that scares me, for his sake. That darkness is a place I wouldn't wish upon anyone; not even an enemy. To be so lost within darkness, within your own mind, is terrifyingly comforting. It is the devil taunting you with diamonds.

Having to stand on the sidelines while watching this happen is something I've never had to do before, at least not involving the most important person in my life. I care about my fiance more than anyone in the world, all I want to do is hold him and magically love all the darkness away. I know first hand that it doesn't work that way, and that's what frustrates me more than anything. I know damn well I can't do anything - but that's not good enough. I have to do something. But what?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I will continue figuring it out until the day I die, because nothing will keep me from the love of my life. I will forever be the right side of his A-frame.





(Note: I understand you could all figure out who my fiance is very easily, but for the sake of the subject of this post I decided to leave out his name.)

I needed to get this off my chest

I am tired of making excuses as to why she behaves this way. I'm exhausted of letting this stress eat away at me. I have yet to find someone who can even remotely understand what this is like - having your mother, who all your life prior to three years ago, was your best friend, turn her back on you because she remarried. I just can't understand why she has done this and why she fails to see how badly it has been hurting me on a daily basis. I can't understand how it just happened over night - one day she was my mom, talking to me like we always talked, then the next day she didn't call and didn't care to call for six months. I have only seen her a handful of times in the last two years. If you had told me even five years ago that I would only see my mother five times over the course of two years, I would have wondered what alien ship you crawled off of - because clearly you didn't know my mom and I. Now, everything I say falls of deaf ears. Her lack of even trying to make up for what has happened boggles my mind. She only calls me when she needs something. I only see her at family get togethers, but of course only if her and her husband don't leave before we get there. It hit me nearly a year after my mom and her husband got married that I have step siblings. Two or three, I think. Names? Oh I have no idea. I don't even know if they're male or female, or how old they are. I'm not sure how that hasn't struck anyone else as being odd. My mom has created such a false world, and she has been in the process of it for a very long time. I can see that now. I can look back at my childhood and see that my father was not the monster my mother painted him to be, but rather she saw things in a twisted perspective. I'm not saying my father was perfect, but I used to believe my mom was, and she is clearly not. She is what I refuse to become. A leech. It pains me to write all this, and even more to be thinking it in the first place, but I need to convince myself not to feel guilty for this. She is the one who walked away from me, and I won't bring myself down because I have done nothing wrong. I'm tired of wishing for my 'old mom' back, because I know she is so lost in the little world she has created that I don't believe she will ever come to her senses. I think that's the most heartbreaking thing of all.

Dear Alexa - Age 15

i. Your beauty does not come from what other people say about you, what any negative force in your mind tells you, or even how you style your hair or the clothes you wear. Beauty comes from who you are, and showing that to the world. If you think you look gorgeous in something your friends wouldn't dare be seen in, it doesn't matter, because they aren't wearing it. Embrace who you are, not who society, friends, or anyone else tells you to be.

ii. Attention from the preferred gender is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but attention should never go hand in hand with self worth. How much a teenage boy likes you or how much he texts you should never represent how much you love yourself. The boys I dated in my teenage years, even the older ones, were - at the time, of course - vital aspects of my life. Now, I look back at them all and even with the "but I KNOW they cared*" (*at the beginning, at least), it's blatantly obvious that they had little to know interest in me. I mean, honestly, I am so freaking glad the boys of my teenage years are so very, very far from my life now.

iii. Alcohol will not make you cool, it will make you do stupid things you won't remember. Drugs will not make you cool, you are gambling with a possibly life threatening addiction. Drunk driving is just plain moronic, and no, no one can do it "well enough to get home."

iv. Fight for friendships, not for social status. True friends won't care about anything other than your well being and happiness.

v. Stand your ground, be confident in who you are, and don't let people talk down to you. The decisions you make are yours to make - but always be aware of the ripple effect in those closest to you.

vi. Remember that older people actually do have more experience than you. They do know what they're talking about most of the time. "Don't act like you've been to China with the tee shirt to prove it unless you actually can prove it."

vii. What you are feeling will lessen over time, and although I know you do not believe that, it's true. Teenage years are scary, for thousands of reasons, and hormones are one of them. On top of everything else that goes on, it makes emotions spiral out of control. Mental illness mixed with that is a recipe for disaster, but not a permanent one.

viii. And most important of all, never underestimate the power of your mind. Both good and evil can come from it. 

Ramble Writing

I know now that I was only ever in their beds because I fit some sort of mold, whether it was my hair color or the style of my clothes - maybe my age, or my naivety - I fit into what they wanted, what they convinced themselves they were in entitled to. They took a piece of me to keep with them, to remind themselves when they're aging and lonely, that at one time they were something. I suppose that is just the full circle, I used them to validate myself at a young age, to feel like I was something. They will validate themselves far past any significant time in their lives, and it will be all they have to hold on to. I have used this validation to help myself grow into a better person for a significant time in my life. So, really, I won. Hear that? I won.

25 Things I Would Like to Tell My Future Children - and All of You, too.

1. Don't hear the phrase "nothing lasts forever" in a negative tone. While it's true nothing lasts forever, it's because so many things in life change and grow.
2. Trust the universe.
3. Every interaction you will ever have with people will have at least two mutual voices. Listen to what others  have to say, and realize you may not always be right.
4. Learn to stand up for yourself before you get into a situation where you're forced to.
5. If someone doesn't want to be with you, either as a friend or a partner, DEAL WITH IT! It is not a negative reflection on who you are as a person, it means they don't believe you are compatible, and it is not your place to try to convince them you are.
6. Have a work ethic and prove to yourself that you can do any job handed to you.
7. Believe in Karma, not material recognition.
8. Do not judge others on how they live their lives or how they treat themselves. Extend a helping hand, never point a finger.
9. Trust your gut. Trust your instinct. Trust your intuition.
10. Never doubt your ability to try. You will not be an expert in every thing you do, but if you don't try, you will never find the things that you are an expert at.
11. Hold on to memories you truly cherish. Don't listen to anyone that may call them silly.
12. Your preferences are your preferences. Not anyone else's.
13. Have a nice, hot breakfast with your family every Saturday or Sunday morning. If you are by yourself, make a nice, hot breakfast for yourself. Pull out the fancy table cloth, if you'd like.
14. Music is the gateway to an amazing form of art. Never stop searching for new sounds.
15. Eating ice cream out of the carton is perfectly acceptable if you don't slobber all over the spoon. (No one will find out if it's in the middle of the night)
16. There is not a single excuse as to why you would ever to need to drink and drive. There is always an alternative way.
17. The only way to get into adulthood is to have suffered a broken heart. It will happen, and yes, you will get through it.
18. Take a walk when you're feeling angry or sad. Let the air lift everything away from you. Breathe.
19. You should always have respect for everyone and everything. Don't ever forget that.
20. You will never finish growing. Your heart, your mind and your soul will grow until the day you leave Earth.
21. Holding on to past feelings is pretty much just fertilizer for a bad head space.
22. Don't let yourself suffer. Take action.
23. There is a difference between taking pride in yourself and having an inflated ego.
24. When people give you advice, listen wisely. Just because you may not be able to apply it to current situations, doesn't mean you will never need it.
25. Observe the world around you. You never know when things will disappear.

I figured I should post this...

My Engagement Ring

I figured after my post last night, I should share a picture of my ring :) Pictures don't even come close to describing how beautiful it is. It looks very vintage, with a circle center stone and a halo cut ring of smaller diamonds around it, with two diamonds on the sides. I'm such a lucky girl for so many reasons :3!

2013

Well, here it is once again. I am continuing my (sort of) tradition of writing essentially a reflection of the nearly finished year. Well.. here we go.

2013 has been quite the year for me. Usually when I say words along those lines, there is a negative connotation behind it. This year, not a single bit. This year has, without a doubt, been the most exhilarating year I think I have ever experienced. So much has happened, so many lessons have been learned, so many goals have been achieved... 

In January, just a few days into the near year, I gave my boyfriend a small pill container that held five or so blades. I have not self injured since that day. I am almost back at one year clean, and although I am still slightly saddened that I slipped up after three years, I am so proud of myself for making the commitment to stop. 

I moved in at my boyfriend's house, and we are in the process of looking for our own place before March of 2014. Moving in with my boyfriend's family was an amazing step, it not only brought me and my boyfriend closer, but it brought me and his family closer as well. On top of that, mine and my dad's relationship evened out with a considerable change. We started getting along (for the most part) for the first time in my life. My mom and I are still working things out, but it is slowly getting better.

I strengthened a lot of good friendships this year. My two closest friends have proven to me so much this year that they are amazing people. I have also weeded out 'bad' friends, and taken more steps to become closer to those that I wanted to be friends with. My brother and I have become closer this year. We talk on a normal basis, give each other hugs when we see each other, make plans to hang out - he even came over to my side of the water (that's an hour bus and an hour long ferry for him) to celebrate my birthday with me. I also become closer with a lot of my extended family. Although I have always been close with my cousins, I began to see a side of a few of my cousins that I have never seen before. They started opening up to me more and more.

In May, I got my first job in nearly three years. I worked as a replenishment associate (aka, I was an after hours stocking and cleaning elf) at Michaels craft store. Within a week of getting my job, I got my license. I was so hesitant to get my license for five years because I was terrified of driving, but my oh so patient boyfriend helped me outside of my comfort zone. I then got a car, my turquoise go-go-mobile fully equipped with Yoshi and Koopa plushies, oh, and Togepi too! 

My boyfriend was able to come to my family's annual Campout with me, where he blended in so perfectly and I got the 500% approval rating from my family that he was a really great guy. (Which I of course already knew!)

I turned 22 this year! Oh goodness, where does time go? I remember starting this blog shortly after I had turned 16... what a lifetime ago that was. Twenty two hasn't held too many big things for me yet, other than the onset of "ohmygodwhatamIdoingwithmylife"-itus.

I continued my replenishment job through the week of my birthday, and then I switched to a cashier position! I'm still working at Michaels, and I have met some of the most awesome people that I luckily get to work with on an almost daily basis. I never would have thought that I would be able to come out of my shell working with the public. My anxiety still indeed does act up, but I am able to keep myself level so much more. With the help of my job, I am now able to hold, carry, and speak for myself as a human being. Something I had not been able to do before that. I was even the opening cashier on Black Friday...!

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated one year of being together. Shortly before our anniversary, though, I got the best present in the world. WE GOT ENGAGED! I have never had so many insta-tears while a giant smile broke through! Being in love like this is something I've never experienced before. We have yet to set a date for the wedding, but that will come soon after moving out. I am so excited to spend my life with my favorite person in the world!

It may not seem like a whole lot has happened for me this year, seeing as the normal drama bombs were no where to be found (thank goodness!), but honestly this year was such a magnificent achievement for me. I have never been so proud of myself.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy New Year.

-Alexa Marie

My Apologies

I apologize for my poison,

I tried to warn you of it's effects,

it strangles you strongly from the inside

until your mind forgets to reject.

I apologize for my words,

I try to keep them inside,

but their weight is just too heavy

and their stableness declines.

I apologize for my anger,

I never wanted to see red,

now my eyesight's fading black,

from the inside of my head.

I apologize for my tears,

I try to cry only when I need,

but sometimes they slip out -

even sadness needs to be freed.

The first step of many

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.
Boys who left too soon,
boys who never cared,
boys who were more interested in anything other than me.
I've twisted my hate for them in more ways than I can count,
thinking over and over -
they didn't deserve what they got,
and they never got what they deserved.
But what difference would that make?
I can't go back in time and take his hand out of my underwear.
I can't change the words I said to them,
nor the words they said to me.
I can't change the feelings I thought I once had.
What I can change, though,
is the blame.
There is always going to be regret
for not just listening to, but believing lies;
for not standing up for myself;
and for having the "but it's going to be different than last time" mindset;
Though I am no longer shaming myself for trying to find solace.
The routes I took to find that solace were misguided and wrong -
and in hindsight, I see that.
But at the time, I swear, all I wanted was to be wanted, needed and cared for.
It came out as only needing to be told my tits looked great.
I may have made some bad judgments,
I may have made some bad decisions,
I may have made some bad friends.
But that doesn't make me, nor has it ever made me,
a bad person.
I am forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am forgiving myself for the way I have treated myself for those mistakes.
I am forgiving the men who were also misguided.
My Karma came through for me -
I'm letting their Karma take all my past hatred.

I'll shed you away one last time.

I realized I could recall your ghostly silhouette,

lightened by your television,

at four o'clock in the morning -

as you continued puking from the binge the night before.

I realized I could remember the smell of your cigarettes,

the ones you tried to make me smoke with you,

on your back porch 

in the pouring rain.

I realized I could recall the weight of your hand,

as your pressed it farther up my thigh

as you whispered -

"Shh, just friends."

I realized I could remember your laugh,

but now recalling that the nervousness in your tone

was from fear of being caught.

I remember all of these things,

much more vividly than I remember anything else about you.

I don't remember your birthday.

I don't remember the feeling of your lips.

I don't remember the color of your eyes.

I don't remember the color of your sheets.

I don't even remember the butterflies you once gave me.

Darling, please

Darling, please, do not cry,
take my sleeve and dry your eyes.
I love you dearly, that is no surprise,
I'm doing my best, all I can do is try.

Darling, please, do not yell and shout,
I understand what your feelings are about.
I love you dearly, please never have a doubt,
all I wish is for my words to count.

Darling, please, do not let go -
there is so much time for you to grow.
I love you dearly, I just wanted you to know..

Today Is Your Birthday

Today is your birthday,
and I do not wish to give you an object,
I do not wish to give you an item.
I wish, instead, to give you a gift,
one that could never be unwrapped,
but one that sits deep in your heart,
pulsing it's way through your body.
I wish to give you a present,
one so rare and hardly ever found,
that scholars from around the universe
will marvel at your discovery.
I wish to you give you a gift,
one that could never be held,
but one that you hold dear,
making you smile from head to toe.
I wish to give you a present,
one so beautiful and magnificent,
it will sparkle inside of you
for years to come.
Today is your birthday,
and I wish to give you the gift of love.
The gift of peace.
The gift of self-worth.
The gift of life.
Today is your birthday,
and you deserve to shine
like the diamond that you are.

Twenty Two

She excitedly exclaimed,
"Today is my birthday!"
They looked at her like they would any other day,
they told her
"Birthday's don't matter, you're not a kid anymore."
She turned twenty two today,
and they were right,
she was no longer a child.
But while some see age as tic marks on the wall,
she sees it as a real life example of how strong she is.
She barely made it into being seventeen,
and barely made it to twenty one,
but she did.
And now she's made it to twenty two.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a round of applause please,
she
is
twenty two.

Buried Deep

I think of you
as a castle I conquered,
walls sky high
so you'd never be bothered -
I may be just a memory
but that's more than you are,
buried at the base of these old and dead scars.

That was then

What happened one year ago today

was due to a seed that was planted long, long ago.

It's roots grabbed hold of every corner of my brain,

the tiny grips of black, rotted steel.

It grew and twisted it's way through every crevice

until there was no more life to suck away.

You could see it, through the deepest parts of my eyes.

The lack of everything.

The love of nothing.

The pressure of anything.

No explanation could do it justice,

could fully entail every torture it makes you feel.

I have very rarely danced with the Devil,

but I assure you, one year ago today,

he was standing next to me.

Pushing me, urging me, promising me -

'Go for it, you should do it, it will be fine'

The darkness did the dirty work, he was just there to pull the trigger.

It was like those roots gripped so hard that it overloaded itself -

and not even the darkness knew how to handle the aftermath of it's own experiment.

It's been a long time comin'

15.

I invited a boy into the parts of me I wasn't ready for.

I bled red confusion, anxiety, depression - despair.

I broke

myself

my honor

my sanity.

16.

I got fucked up for the first time.

Too much to drink, too much to smoke, too much. too much. too much.

I had a needle shoved through my nose, a ring replaced it and it still remains.

I don't remember too much

of being

sweet sixteen.

17.

I took a bottle of pills in one big gulp.

I succumbed. 

I struggled.

I survived.

18.

I cried

for the entire

fucking

year.

19.

My friend's decided I wasn't their type.

Too depressed,

too anxious.

Not happy enough,

not good enough.

20.

I took a hundred-something pills in ten handfuls.

I woke up.

I was changed.

Life become beautiful.

21.

I fell in love.

Real love.

I bettered myself

I buried the past

I believed in magic

for the first time

since I was six.

Perfection should not be searched for

When I was a kid, I never believed anyone if they told me perfection didn't exist.

In my head, it was never exactly an attainable object,

but perfection did exist, I just figured those who told me it didn't just hadn't found it yet.

I look back at the people who told me this -

Parents stuck in a loveless, frustrating marriage,

siblings with an outstanding cynical perspective of the world,

and friends, who obviously knew less about the world than I did, 

even at eleven years old.

As I aged, my perception on the good things in life drastically changed.

I was taken over by addiction, 

by horrible memories,

by a brain that was more interested in sabotaging anything that was good.

Some say I grew up.

I say I was torn apart.

Now, I see through the depths of the dirt and back again

was all that was needed to find perfection.

To find the one aspect of my life that made it complete.

My perfection is not a movie script,

it is not a song sung in the perfect tune.

It is not a sexy dress on a Saturday night,

it is not a sprinkler on a blazing hot day.

My perfection is a person,

who through their own life circumstances happened to fall perfectly in place with mine.

A man who simply by living has given me answers to questions I never even know I had.

My soul mate, who I didn't go searching for, who I never rushed or pushed into anything -

because I knew from the first time I looked at him,

this is what I have dreamed of,

this is the perfection everyone claimed didn't exist.

I will hold onto him for as long as I can.

I will hold onto my perfection.

I won't let it take you

To say that I am familiar with the darkness would be an understatement.
I know it as my best friend,
my lover,
my parent.
I know it as my downfall,
my poison,
my mental death.
I have years under my belt of the chaos the darkness has instilled in me -
I have scars, inside and out.
Watching someone you love be consumed by the same darkness is crippling,
almost as crippling as the grip it has had on me.
But I will try,
with guns raised and ammo in my pocket,
I will always try.
I rip away at every lose thread that I can -
IT CANNOT TAKE YOU,
IT CAN'T!
My frantic cries are no use,
the darkness pulls you out of my grip so easily.
All I want to do is hold you close,
wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be okay -
I know it will be, it has to be...
but how can you believe me?
The darkness is sitting even closer to you,
whispering all of the contradictions possible to every sweet word I say.
No matter what I try to hit it with,
it springs back into place,
because that's the tricky thing about the darkness...
it is always there,
it is always looming,
it is always calculating...
even after years of laying dormant.

Your High Horse Will Surely Falter

You stand so firmly on such shaky ground,
I'm waiting for it to crumble at your feet -
but even so, the fall won't last,
and you will never accept your defeat.
I've stood by you, day after day,
for the last twenty one years of my life...
but that didn't seem to matter one bit
when you dug into my back with your knife.
You tell me you love me and other empty words,
your tone of voice proves you don't care...
your heart is closed and so is your mind,
I doubt I'll ever find my way back to there.
Blood is relation but not a guarantee
that we will always see eye to eye,
don't tell me I'm the one that has given up
when I'm the only one that has tried.

Ration Your Sanity

The misunderstanding of mental disorders disgraces those who struggle,
we are left with the labels of 'crazy' and 'freak' as we drown in our own bloody puddle.
We share our stories in hopes to help the ashamed and the confused,
but since we don't have a cast or a brace, our cries for help are refused.
My apologies for the lack of broken bones or any missing extremities,
but does that really leave me with the only option of constructing my own remedies?
The endless 'cycle of psycho's' that is imposed on us by society,
tells us to ask for help but get shot down and then bullied for our waning sobriety.
Open your eyes and look for the signs, we are not contagious, but we are sick,
we are looking for safety in the midst of brains that are suffocatingly toxic.
Keep the light in the attic illuminated always and the darkness will not creep,
but once that darkness plants itself, it's root will bury you deep.