Dear _____,

Dear _____,

I cannot express to you how much you have helped me. I know that we haven't been friends for too long, nor have we seen each other in two years... but you should know that I think about you every single day. I see you as a beautiful creature, and all the while you see yourself as a flawed, imperfect person. I don't see that at all. I really don't. Hell, we have both screwed things up for ourselves, but you know what? We are stronger than our addictions. We are strong enough to stand up and fight whatever life may throw our way. You are strong. I know you are. You wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't. So keep your head up, keep going. I believe in you. That's all I really can do while we are so far away, and I hope it's enough. You have made it clear that we will never be more than friends, but I hope I find someone just like you. Someone who will care about me, someone who will accept me, accept my past, and want to know more about me. You will be a hard person to duplicate, m'dear. You really will be.

Love always,
Alexa Marie

It's so difficult

I wish I could say that I will grasp the world as it comes, and that I will not follow any one's rules but my own. Unfortunately, I am not yet the type of girl that does that. I am lost, in this world and the worlds inside my head, and I am aching, just aching, to get out of this shell and find my place. Could it be, perhaps, that I do not have a place in this world? That I was only created to drive myself insane? The question lives on, and will continue to live on for years to come. Until i can possibly comprehend what my purpose is, the "lost" feeling that dwells inside of me will grow, and grow, and it will finally be my downfall. I'm not asking for much, if anything really. I would just like to know why, for 19 years, have I had this feeling that I will never be anything but my own black hole. I send myself into oblivion every time I have an irrational thought, an anxious moment, or a depressed day. I'm quite frankly sick of it, and I need an out. I need something that will keep me going, keep me strong, keep my head above the water. I need a reason to stay.

Pen Pals?

Hi everyone! I'm looking for pen pals! (:
If you are interested in sending letters or packages, please email me at
portlandpaparazi (at) yahoo (dot) com

(there's only ONE "Z" I know, it's an old email and I misspelled it)

Send me your address, and I will send you a letter asap!
On the envelope I send the letter in, I WILL include my address so you can send me a letter back. (:
Just so you know, I'm extremely paranoid, and I am not comfortable with giving out my address first.

Please send the link to your blogspot, or Facebook, when emailing me, just so I know who you are! (:

Thanks everyone and I hope to write you a letter soon! :D

Dear Unknown Boy

Dear Unknown Boy,

I do not know your name, nor do I know what you look like, but what I do know is that we are both out there searching for our soul mates. Could it be, that we are each other's soul mates? It is quite possible, and I'd like to think so. Please know that I am a geeky, awkward, fun-loving almost-19-year-old. I would love for you to teach me about the things you love, along with experiencing new things together. I love to travel and to stay up late watching scary movies. I adore watching the sun rise, and I would love to watch it rise with you. I wear boots pretty much year round, and people tend to think that's weird. That's okay, I am weird. I hope that you are weird too, because then we could have this weirdness connection that no one else would have. I love everything vintage. I hate surprises, and I'm Coulrophobic, which means if I see a clown, I will have a panic attack and cry. I would like to become best friends and something more. I have learned not to waste my time with people who don't actually care about me, so please, don't lead me on. My time is precious and I would like to keep it. I come from a large extended family, which you will be invited to our annual Campout and Christmas party, but no worries, I don't expect you to remember everyone's names at first. I am looking for you, and please don't give up the search for me. I'll be here.

Sincerely yours,

Alexa Marie

Everyone, please read this post, even if you don't read anything else I write

My grandmother, aka Nana, is not doing well. She had a stroke a little over a month ago, and now she's back in the hospital for something that I don't even really know about. Please, think good thoughts for my Nana, and if you pray (I don't, but if you do) then please pray for her. I can't imagine losing her. She is so full of energy and wisdom, and if you knew her, you would know how much a wonderful woman she is. She remembers my friends, whom she has only met once or twice, and greets them with open arms when she sees them next. My Nana has Retinitis Pigmentosa, which means she is completely and totally blind. Although she has this condition, it does not stop her from having her show in Longview, Washington. She has also traveled around the world. In fact, I'm looking at an elephant print that has been hanging in out house for as long as I can remember, she brought it back from India. (Where she rode on an elephants back.) That's a bit of information about her, please, please, just think about her and a speedy recovery. ):

Dainty

I love this picture! I found it forever ago, and rediscovered in on my computer, and I can't waiiiiiit to move out so that I can decorate any way I want to! (:

Sumer Music List

Here are my choices for my summer songs of 2010. Hopefully one of them will stick with me, and remind me of this summer for years to come. (:


Summer Songs 2010

Animal - Neon Trees
The Love - The Morning Light
One In The Same - Cady Groves
Constellations - Sarah Carmody
Crush Me - Go Periscope
Beside Myself - Redcast



Check out these songs and enjoy! (:

My Photography Site

Hey guys!
If you have a Facebook, please fan my photography page!

I'm trying to get my name out there, so any publicity I can get will help!

Thanks!
(:

Alexa Marie Photography (:

My new favorite song (:

"The Love" by The Morning Light

I fell in love with "The Sounds" by this band back in 2007, and I stumbled across this song on youtube and I love it! :D

Oh Dear

It seems that in the chaos of the weekend, I neglected my blog a bit. I don't have the patience to finish and catch up on the "30 Days" thing, but I think if I find another, different, 30 Days, I will try that one out. (:

I need to move on

I figured something out. I need to get away from my past. I need to move on and and start over. The problem is, how do I even learn to move on? I'm stuck in this rut of being an overly emotional hideous wreck, and I'm quite frankly sick of it. I don't want people to see me as damaged goods, because that's not what I am. Yes, I have my problems. So do you, am I right? I'm not looking to be fixed. I'm not looking to push my problems onto anyone else. I'm looking to start over, start new, and start something with someone. It just seems that no one cares enough anymore. No one wants to get "serious." Well come on people, we're adults. We can take this on, as adults. There's no need to act like we're in junior high.

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Well, to be honest, there really isn't much to say about this week. I went to Old Navy and got a cute shirt, I took my placement test, I hung out at my neighbors, and walked around the park a few times. Other than that, I've watch Days of our Lives religiously, and sat around and done nothing. The end. :|

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Well, today has been a good day! haha. I woke up at 9:45 this morning, then I called my mom. I talked to my cousin on FB chat, and then texted her because my internet crashed. (Don't you HATE it when that happens? D:) Then I got dressed, grabbed my purse, ate some Cheerios on the way out the door, and then walked up to the college. (It's a whopping five minute walk hahah.) Then I walked around the college for a while, trying to find where I needed to be to take my placement test to start classes in the fall! Then I found the room I needed to be in, and I got everything figured out to start my test, and well, then I started the test. haha. So after about an hour on the computer, answering stupid questions, I finished my test, got my results, called my mom to tell her about it, then walked home. Now I'm sitting here, writing to you about my day thus far. (:

The Pages of my Life

I like to think of my life as one giant book. One that is constantly being edited and revised. The pages of my life have been filled with nothing except footprints of what I used to be. I don't know how to change the ink. I've left my book open, waiting for some miracle to happen. I don't understand how to write out the rest of my life, without repeating history. I don't want my life to go on the way it has been. I need change. I need the change that will reroute my pen, clean up the old ink, and move on from making the same mistakes over and over. If anyone, at all, has any ideas of how to recreate the pages of my life, please. Let me know.

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

hahahahahahaha (:

Day 23 — A YouTube video

I discovered this video about three years ago, and I love it with all my heart. I think it's a wonderful portrayal of love, and I hope to find someone that loves me and much as these two love each other.

A Cloudy Day

The clouds have once again overtaken this gorgeous summer day. As I sit here and think about the past, present and future, I wonder about something. Something that haunts me every day. Loneliness has consumed my life.. again. It isn't just that I long for someone to share each day with, it's the friends I miss, as well. It seems these days no one gives a damn about anyone but themselves. Am I the only one out there that has these problems with friends? "Friends" that don't text back.. ever. "Friends" that never hang out with you. And "friends" that don't seem to care about you when you're at your worst, yet they expect you to care when they are at theirs. And then there's the loneliness of being alone in life. All I've ever wanted out of life is to make someone happy. Be there for them, no matter what is going on. Take care of them, when they are down about something. And to always make sure they have a smile on their face, or a shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough. I guess what bugs me the most about not being in a relationship, is that no one gives me a chance to prove that I am what they are looking for. They see my scars, they hear things, and they run. I may have some issues, but they are mine. I won't let my past or even my mind, get in the way of having something wonderful. Please, give me the chance I've been looking for.

Day 22 — A website

Alright Folks! (:

Day 22 of my challenge!

The website I'm posting is called Apartment Therapy. It's seriously one of my favorite sites, and I loveeee it! I have a ton of pictures saved from it for inspiration. Here it is guys!

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/

Just click it (:

Day 21 — A recipe

Okay kiddos, I love this one. I don't have any specific recipes for you, but I have something that I love. Well two things. (:

The first is chicken breast burgers! All you have to do is add some oil into a pan, saute a small chicken breast on the stove until it's brown (add whatever spices you want to it before you start cooking it!) Then put it on a toasted hamburger bun with whatever fixings you want, and wahlahhh! YUMMY!


And this isn't really a recipe, but put mint chocolate chip ice cream onto a cooked toaster waffle.. AHHHH IT'S AMAZING.
and this is coming from literally the pickiest eater EVER.

(No seriously, the only thing I will eat at restaurants is Chicken Fingers and fries.)


(:

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

My hobby is posted to this blog every day. Writing is my second passion, and I love to do it. (Hence why I've passed English class more times then I needed to :b) So if you want to see my hobby, just read my blog. (:

I almost forgot!

I was featured on the blog "Something Like That" in an interview. (:
Here's the link, and follow him! He's a great guy (:

Day 19 — A talent of yours

This is probably one of my favorite pictures that I have ever taken, it was taken with my old shitty camera, but I still love love love it. My passion is photography, and according to others, I have a talent for it. Check out my photography on Facebook - "Alexa Marie Photography"

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Summer 2010

I am more then ready for summer to start. I'm craving the hot air, the sunscreen, the fireworks on the fourth of July, and the muggy nights. I refuse to let this summer be boring, uneventful, and not fun. With the exception of summer 2007, ever summer of mine has been that way. I want my curiosity to get the best of me. I want to sit on the tops of buildings, camera in hand, with my friends. I guess that's my problem, though. I don't have any friends. I mean, yeah, I have a few... but they all live so far away. I want friends that live near me, want to have fun, and actually want to hang out. This summer needs to be fun, for the sake of my sanity.

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

TATTOOS ARE ART! (:

Well

I was watching television last night, and they had a segment on the class of 2010. Well as I was watching this, I recognized the song in the background. It was "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies. I had no idea they would be on a national news program! :O

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

I couldn't choose between two. The first one reminds me of someone who needs to be forgotten, and the second one reminds me of Anna Svidersky, and the farewell video that's on youtube for her. (If you don't know who she is, look her name up on youtube)

Day 15 — A fanfic

(I forgot to do this yesterday so you guys get two today! :D)

Except for I don't read fan fiction, so this one doesn't really apply to me. D:

I do not understand

I really, really do not understand what was going through your head. You should have known better. In my opinion, you did know better, you just chose to go through with it anyway. Why? I just want to know why. What did you get from that? What was the big reason as to you had to do it? I hope you understand the damage you have caused me. Maybe that was your reason, to put me over the edge. I want you to know something, even though you will never, ever read this entry. Because of what you did, I cracked. Something inside of me broke. I was dealing with my horrible childhood, I was dealing with my parents divorced. Every thing was going fine in my book, until you waltzed into my life acting like you understood. I wonder, if you even knew what had happened when I was younger, would you had gone through with it? I was fifteen when you did what you did. I was a kid. It wasn't fair for you to take away something that I never even had. But I wanted to, is that what you would say if I took you to court? I easily could, you know. But it would dig my entire life up again just as it's getting settled. I could ruin your life, but I would also ruin mine. And believe it or not, I'm not mean enough to ruin your life. I should, though, since you ruined mine. January 10th 2007. I was in denial for the longest time. When people would ask me about what happened that snowy day in January, I'd tell them the easy version. That you gave me my first "real" kiss. That whatever had happened, I wanted it to happen. There's people to this day that believe that I wanted to go through with it, but you know by the technicality of "never said yes, never said no," that I didn't want to. You should have known. I wonder though, do you even remember me? If you stumble across my Facebook, will you think about what you did? Or do you not have any remorse for it. You probably don't even think you did anything wrong. Well, even if it had gone differently, you still left five minutes after and never talked to me again. Until, of course, I called you, crying hysterically, telling you what "might have been." And what did you do? You lied again. You told me that I had affected you so deeply with my story that you were going to therapy because you wanted to help me. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. You are just one big, gigantic web of lies. I hope you rot in hell for what you have done to me, and god knows who else you've done it to.

So Simple, So True.

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

This is BY FAR one of my favorite books, fiction or non-fiction. If you know me in the slightest, you know that Ted Bundy is pretty much my favorite person, dead or alive. I've read this book twice, and I just find this man SO damn fascinating! Seriously, if you have an interest in crime or serial killers, READ THIS NOWWWW! (:

Day 13 — A fictional book

This book may be cliche, for the fact that every kid and their mother's have read it, but I adore it. I think the writing is brilliant, and the story is quite simply amazing. I suggest you read it if you haven't already. (:

I'm not sure why

I'm not sure why, but for some reason I'm wanting to do a blogger interview... Anyone want to interview me? :D

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

This is a fairly recent photo taken of my mom and I. (: I consider her to be one of my best friends, and I really don't know what I would do without her love and support.

My so called "friends"

Why is it that my "friends" feel that they have the right to treat me like complete shit? I don't understand this concept. I like to think that I am a good friend, or at least a try. That counts for something. If my friends are down about something, I do everything I can to try to help them. Do these "friends" do the same for me? Nope. When I ask to hang out, do they even consider it? Rarely. If I don't text them first, will they talk to me? Not a chance. I can count on one hand the amount of friends that give a damn about me. They aren't perfect, and they don't treat me right 100% of the time, but they try, and I give them credit for that. I feel as if I'm playing this game of friendship by myself, and no one even wants to pitch in. I just got in a huge fight with one of my long time friends, whom I've known for about ten or eleven years. We got in our fight because she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain. It's not fair for one person to work at a friendship the entire time and the other person to just sit back and do nothing. This post is not about one person in particular, it goes out to quite a bit of people. Take a second and think about how you really treat all of your friends. Not just the most convenient ones.

Early Summer

The sweet smell that you sense after taking a shower is lingering through my house at the moment. The sun is coming and going through the windows, as the shadows of the park dance across the floor. This time of early summer always seems to reminds me of the good childhood memories. Slip and slides, yard sales, selling Kool-Aid at the stop sign... It all seems like such distant memories. I look up at the bright blue sky the hovers over my house, and I wonder when it will be when I can look up at a new piece of the sky, over a different house. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed living in this house, but fifteen years is too long. Granted I had a four year break in there, but sometimes you just have to say goodbye. The memories I have here are that and will only ever be that. Memories. I want so badly want some place new to call home.

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 09 — A photo you took