Feelings

I am not really sure why I feel the way I do right now. In all honesty I feel like a complication. A complication that you would be better off without. I wish I didn't feel this way, but given the current situation, I just do. I am falling for you faster and faster as each day passes, and I know you say you feel the same way. I guess I am just so goddamn used to empty promises and emotional lies. I hate that I feel this way, because all I want is you. Just please, show me that you want this as badly as I do. I don't want to hear the words, I want to see the actions. That's what I feel like I need in order to believe this. Sadly, I don't know how much you actually can do. And that saddens me, scares me, and makes me wish that you were just here. A wish that I have made more times than I can count. Please, just show me I'm not a complication..

Aweeee

All of this Royal Wedding hoo-haw is making me want to get married!
Haha, and I say "hoo-haw" in the best way (:

Any comments on Kate's dress?
I think it was to DIE for!
:D

Anyways!
Happy Friday all!

Happiness

 

As the world goes on, I sit here and think about the future. What could be, what will be, what may happen at some point down the road. And through all the thoughts, I realized something. I am happy. Not overly joyed, not jumping up and down and bouncing off the walls happy. Just happy. I still have my moments, as does everyone, but for the last few months, I actually have had a smile on my face about 90% of the time for the last couple of months. A lot of people have the misconception that you need someone else to make you happy. That is complete and total crap to be honest. Only you can make yourself happy, and if your happiness comes entirely from someone else, you aren't truly happy. Sure, someone else can add to your happiness, but they can't create it. They can only hold it. And when they are gone, so is that happiness. My point? It's no ones responsibility but my own that I am happy. I have some great friends, and awesome.. whatever I can call him, and a loving family. They are my support system, but they are not my rocks. I am my only rock. I am just.. happy.

asdfjlskfjds

I HATE PEOPLE.
END OF STORY.
GROW UPPPPP.
I'm so sick of dealing with people who can't get their stories straight,
or think they have such huge problems.
Oh, your boyfriend broke up with you?
I'm sorry. Now, GET OVER IT.
Holy oh my god.
I'm seriously so sick of people.
Leslie, her husband, my guy and I are moving to Mars.
Kay bye.

UGHHHH.

Sorry, pmsing.
Don't really want to get in a debate about any of this,
so I'm disabling comments.

Us

Do you drink coffee? I sure hope you do, because although I do not, I would like to learn to make it. Just so that I can surprise you on a rainy morning with a fresh cup. I would also like to not make the bed, and just get up and go on an adventure. I would like to play board games with you, and put together puzzles until we get bored. I would like to go shopping for groceries with you, and then ride the shopping carts like they're rides at the amusement park. I would like to watch horror movies with you, scream "IDIOT! DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!" and then cling onto your arm when it gets just a little too scary. I would like to smell you on my clothes, but especially on my pillow when I fall asleep at night. I would like to take pictures with you, hopefully when we are curled up in bed. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. We can be happy, real, raw. We could be something, we could be us.

I Have Short Hair? WUUUUT!

Hi guyyyys :D

I have short hair!

Oh and my mom crocheted that headband!

Super cute, huh? :D

I'm a blonde?

lolwaitwut.

(:

I bleached it a few days ago,

and I'm going to dye it a little darker blonde soon (:

Apartment Spam!

Sorrrry guys (: I just realized that all my old apartment inspo pictures are on my mom's computer, and I'm currently here! So here you have it! Just a tiiiiiny taste of the six folders I have of my apartment inspo hehe. 

I cannot wait for everything to work out so I can start decorating and planning things!

All pictures were saved from Apartment Therapy and tumblr (from a very long time ago!)

I hope you guys enjoy these as much as I do!

Giveaway Winner!

Okay! Time to announce the giveaway winner..

Only two people entered.

YOU GUYS SUCK

haha just kidding I love you all, even if you didn'tttt enter my giveaway..

But here's the winner of the 1,000th Post Giveaway!

CONGRATULATIONS MISS AUBREY!

I will be emailing you shortly! 

I hope you all have a lovely Monday (:

Giveaway Ends Tomorrow!

ENTER HERE!

Come on guys, ONE person has entered.. that's just lame ):

Please enter, make my horrible night a little better?
Plus you'd get some awesome goodies!

Venting

Alright, I'm getting REALLY damn sick of people trying to tell me how to live my life. It's not just one person, either, it's like twenty people currently trying to lecture me into changing my mind about things, or telling me that what I'm thinking is wrong. I'm SICK of it. Goddamn, none of your guys' lives are even close to perfect, so how about instead of telling me how to live my life, you work on your own. Kay thanks.


/rant

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to everyone! I'm not doing much today, I'm at my mom's house so we didn't do baskets this morning, which is okay with me. Oh, and how cute are the eggs in the picture? Seriously! I wish I could make eggs that look like that! Do you guys have any fun plans for today? It's a rainy day in Seattle, so those little egg hunters will probably have to hunt inside around here. Yesterday, the weather was so nice though! I went on a walk with my mom and got some pictures of the heron's that live in the trees close to the park and ride near her apartment! It was really cool. Anyways, I hope you guys have an awesome Sunday, and I will probably be posting at some point again today. I'm kind of in a pickle.. so I might vent a bit about it! Take care guys!

Real Life

I'm looking to live a real life,
with real love,
with my beating heart,
with help from the gods above.
I want to be happy,
I want to shine,
I want someone, just someone,
that I can call mine.
My once broken heart,
I want it to mend,
I want someone to love,
and I want to laugh with my friends.
I'm wishing for a twinkle in my eye
and a smile on my face,
that will stay there forever
and stay in place.
Well all that hoping has gotten me far
I am happy, with me, myself, and I
I have that smile on my face,
and the twinkle in my eye.
I'm living proof
that you shouldn't give up on your dreams,
keep striving, keep going
until you succeed.

To Paint The Sky

Hey you guys! I don't normally do this, but my friend Jamie is in a band called To Paint The Sky. I've mentioned them a few times on here, but they currently have the opportunity to play the entire Warped Tour. This is a huuuuge deal for them, and for their fans! So, if you guys could just take a second to check them out on facebook (click here!) and "like" their band page there, if you guys like them! They are pretty damn close to being able to play at Warped, so PLEASE help them out! Plus I'm photographing one of their live shows this coming Thursday, so I will definitely post pictures of that! Please guys, if you like music at ALL just give them a chance! Thank youuu!

Desire

Armed with a beating heart and a tingling in my veins, I am frozen with desire. The desire to run, far away, not from something, but rather to something. This desire, it causes my heart to beat and my veins to tingle, and I know, deep down, that this is what I want. It's rather interesting, how one single person can have so much power over your emotions. Yet I'm okay with it this time. I feel happy, but the best part is, I felt like this before he came fully into my life. Yes, he's added to this feeling of almost complete happiness, and I know that my meter will be up to one hundred in a matter of months. You see, I'm getting away from here. I'm getting far away, and I am going to be with someone that makes me happy. That makes me feel something other than pain, which is what they've all caused in the past. This time is different. This time is real.

The Unknown

Sometimes, words aren't enough. It's true what they say, you know, actions do speak louder than words. But more than that, it's the meaning behind them. More and more, I catch myself glimpsing into future plans and thinking about what's going to happen. Our Scrabble matches until three in the morning... it's looking so much better as each day passes. But as each day does pass, it makes me wonder if it's actually going to happen. I know both of our intentions are for it to happen, but the unknown scares me. I've said this numerous times, and I will say it until I run out of breath. I just don't know what to think. Put yourself in my shoes, and think about what is happening. Leaving here to be with someone. Although the thought of this is wonderful, because he's wonderful, it scares me. So badly. Because it's all unknown. I just need something solid in this mix of hopes and dreams. I just need something to keep me grounded.

The Little Things in Life

So I've done these in the past, but this blog inspired me to do more! Here's my list of the little things in life:

• Being inside during a thunderstorm
• Surviving a minor earthquake
• Realizing that you are looking at the same moon that the people across the country are
• Successfully sewing something wearable
• Remembering the lyrics to your favorite song.. from over ten years ago
• That song that explains how your feeling
• Mastering the Lil Wayne rap part of a song
• Finding out you have more money in your bank account than you thought
• Finding the perfect thing to wear, bonus points if you already own it
• Taking the perfect picture without trying
• A cup of Kool Aid on a hot summer day
• A Kool Aid popsicle on a hot summer day
• Guessing something randomly, and actually being right
• Finding something so awesome at the thrift store
• Opening your eyes under water without it hurting
• Finally getting over someone or something that you've been wanting to get over for a very long time
• Figuring out how something works before anyone else
• The feeling of "I DID IT!" after getting your first tattoo
• Finding out your crush likes you back
• Making plans for the future
• Beating your brother *cough cough* at a video game
• Realizing that it will be okay

There you go guys! My Little Things. What are yours? Let me know!

Don't forget to enter my giveaway! :D

Wedding Wednesday - Playlist

SO! Here is MY dream playlist for my wedding, 

minus a few songs that weren't on the playlist.com site! (: 

Hope you guys enjoy!

What If

I promised myself one thing, and one thing only. That this would never happen. Well, again, that is. The Spring sunlight is a reminder of the past. You see, it was about this time, four years ago, that I opened my heart to someone. Someone that would turn out to be the downfall of my fifteen year old self. As I think back to that time, there are so many warning signs that I just didn't see. I compare you to him, you know. Not in a "oh he must be just like him" kind of way. More of a "could it be?" kind of way. The difference between you and him, is that it's not a game to you. I'm not a puzzle piece. I'm not someone that you can just string along for months, hell, almost a year and think you won't leave a lasting effect on. To him, I was. It scared me at first, this whole situation, but over the last month or so, things have evened out in the best way possible. I often think about everything that happened four years ago. I play it over in my mind, and I wonder "what if." With you, though, it's real. It's not "what if." I hope you understand that I have been through too much to just sit back and watch this happen. I hate using that as an excuse, but it's true. I have to plan, and I have to see things through. I can't just say "It'll be okay" because every single time in the past, it hasn't been.

Flesh and Bones

The window proves to me that Spring is among us, yet I have not been outside to test the weather's warmth for myself. I feel this season will be life changing, to say the least. Although it will be wonderful, and new, and I will get to see some place other than my backyard for a change.. it scares me. It scares me that it's not a set plan. That everything isn't falling into place yet, when it should be. I cannot wait for the day that I leave this place behind. I will definitely miss the place I currently call home, but as they say, home is where the heart is. That confuses me on a whole new level, at least when it comes to this situation. I wish I knew where my heart was. It certainly can't be in his hands, not when his heart is in the hands of someone else, and that someone else is a girl other than me. I don't understand this, it boggles my mind, and it makes me wince. The thought that I am not the one that he has chosen for this moment. I'm spinning it way out of proportion, most likely, considering I always do, but I cannot help but think that this isn't going to end the way I want it to. My bones are begging for him, for this new place, and for a new life. My bones, wanting and waiting, and my flesh, holding it all in. Holding in my emotions, my ideas, my confused and paranoid thoughts.  My bones, stitched together with flesh, ache for the day they can be stretched. I feel as if I have been sitting in this place for far too long, and my ribs, knees, neck and shoulders just ache. I cannot explain this feeling in a better way, other than what I have already said.

Make sure to check out my giveaway!

1,000 Posts and a GIVEAWAY!

Okay guys! It's that time! I have officially reached 1,000 posts, which meaaaannsss.. A GIVEAWAY! WOOHOO! This giveaway comes from my best friend,  Miss Leslie! You can check out her Etsy, too! I am very excited to host this giveaway, as is Leslie for making the giveaway goodies! So, with no further delays.. 

THE GIVEAWAY!

For my giveaway, Leslie has hand crocheted two items for somebodyyyy to win! The first is a beret, in a lovely purple color! The pattern was made by Leslie, too! I'm actually really jealous that she made this for my giveaway, and not for me! It's super cute, and handmade with love. The second item is an iPod/phone/whatever-you-need-a-little-case-for case! It was also hand crocheted by Leslie! The winner will receive both of these items. And no worries to the boys out there! This hat would make a wonderful present for the girl in your life! Jeeze, even Mother's Day is coming up! That means all of you should enter this! Don't make me kick you! :b

The Rules:

- You MUST be a follower of THIS blog

- All you need to do is make a comment on THIS post, with your:

name, email and what you like about my blog!

- Extra entries WILL be counted! Just blog, tweet or tumble about this giveaway BUT!:

pleaseee put the link to your blog post, tweet, or tumblr post in a SEPARATE comment!

- This giveaway will be open until next Monday, April 25th!

Good luck to everyone!

Titanic

 

It was exactly 99 years ago that the Titanic sank from the surface of the Atlantic. Now, if you guys know me, you'll know that Titanic is my favorite movie, and it has been since it came out. But the ship means more to me than being turned into a love story. It was my first obsession. I would research online about the shipwreck, every single day, and I've seen the exhibit twice in my life. It was so amazing - how it all happened. I know pretty much all there is to know about the ship, and I take pride in that. Along with Ted Bundy, the Titanic is the obsession that has kept me going. It sounds silly, but to have something that you can concentrate on and know so much about is really awesome.

What do you guys like about Titanic? Either the ship, the wreck, or the movie?

Let me know!

Excitement

You could say that I'm excited. The kind of excitement that goes beyond being excited. The "can't go one moment without thinking about all of this" kind of thing. People keep telling me I can't run away from my problems. That's not what I'm doing, not at all. I'm running to something, not away from anything.Yes, it's true, I feel invisible here, but truth be told, there's a person that makes me feel like everything is meant to happen this way. He makes me feel like I'm different than other people.. which I already knew, but it's a good kind of different this time. I know how completely and totally insane this all is. I know people aren't going to approve of it, but that doesn't matter to me. I feel like this is right. I know, deep down in my heart, that this is what I want and need. To venture out and find a new way to live my life. It's not a surprise that I feel stuck here, and that's no ones responsibility but my own. This is my way of figuring things out. It may be drastic and crazy, but hey, that's the kind of person I am sometimes.

Update

Well, I'm not sure if I told you guys this or not, but I got my wisdom teeth pulled this past Thursday!
I have been in an extreme amount of pain the last few days,
which is one of the reasons why I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to!

Anyways,
my giveaway is slowly creeping up..
heheheh!
I'm really excited! Especially since the giveaway prize is made by one of my best friends, Miss Leslie!

I hope you will all participate in my giveaway.. just check back here for the next few days!

ALSO!
All this stuff that I've been talking about lately..
eeeeep! I REALLY wish I could fill you guys in, but I just don't want to get my hopes up even more than they already are! Just in case something falls through, which I'm reallyyyy hoping it doesn't!


Take care guys, and I leave you with this:

Etsy and Knitting

As most of you know, I knit. A lotttt. Well I figured I should put this to use, and make some money, while also giving people the awesomness of something hand-knitted! 

My questions is:

If I were to open an Etsy shop with my knitted stuff,

what would you guys like to see in there?

I can knit just about anything put blankets, and until I get some bigger circs (which will hopefully be soon!) I can't knit hats that fast, either.

SO! Let me know what you guys would like to see!

Prices will be fairly cheap, without robbing myself (:

haha.

Please please please give me some feedback guys!

This is really important :D

Not so fast

I have often thought to myself, "What is life about?" Well, I don't believe anyone can answer that question fully, but the conclusion I have come to is not really what life is about, but why I'm here. I'm here to learn. That may seem so simple, but it really is so complex. I don't know what I am here to learn, I just know that there are lessons, and experiences that I need to go through, throughout my life. So far, ninety nine percent of my experiences have been negative. And saying "negative" is putting it lightly. The reason I am bringing this up, is because I have been given the opportunity for something amazing to happen. People keep telling me that I shouldn't do it. That I shouldn't go. Put yourself in my shoes for a split second. If you did this, you would realize that I need this for no one but myself. Yes, there is someone else involved, but I am not doing this for him. I am doing this for me, to show myself that there is something more to life than negativity. I usually get ahead of myself, you all know this. I have said that hundreds of times over the last three and a half years that this blog's heart has been beating. I don't believe I'm getting ahead of myself here. That's the first step to something great. I feel it in my bones. I feel that this is the best thing to rise in front of me for the first time in my life. I have all these plans in my head, but not ones that go so far as to mapping out exactly what is going to happen. THAT'S how I get ahead of myself. I'm just excited. That's what I should be. I don't know exactly what will happen, and for the first time ever, that's okay with me. I just want to wake up after a bad dream, and see him next to me. I want to be a cute little house "wife" (hey, no marriage yet guys!) and make dinner, clean, and just have a great time being myself. I just feel like I can't be myself here. Something is keeping me back.

One Step Closer

I am one step closer to packing up my belongings and leaving. You all are probably wondering by now what's going on, and sadly, I cannot disclose that... yet. Let's just say, come summer I will hopefully be gone. Not from this world, no no, this is not one of those posts. But I will hopefully be gone from Seattle. I believe it is safe to say that this is not only what I feel I need, but it is also what I want. An adventure. To explore. To be with someone that truly, honestly cares. Most of all, though, to get my life on the right track. I can't tell you guys how badly I need to get my life going. And I feel this is the best way to do that. I'm at the perfect point in my life to just pack up and leave. And I really don't care what any of you have to say about this. It's completely insane, yes. But the good kind of insane. The kind that I need. The kind that I want.

Non-Existent Cigarettes

It's quite simply amazing that one day soon these walls will be bare, the closets will be emptied, and the clothes will be packed up from my dresser. Don't sweat though, my belongings will hopefully soon find a new home, far, far away from here. It gives me chills, and the best kind of goosebumps, just thinking about all of this. Thinking about waking up in a different town, walking through the streets and getting lost... It would be the most amazing adventure. An adventure that I am more than ready for. The effort it would take to make this happen, that's a whole other story.

 I know I have had a problem with things like this in the past. I get too wrapped up in what could happen that I forget about what is really happening. The fact that this is like, ninety percent sure to happen though, it makes it all seem so real. My effort is over a hundred percent. I want this to happen more than anything. Plus, all I can think to myself is, why not now? If I don't do it now, I never will. I know it will take more than a lot of effort to make all of this work out, but if you're willing, I'm willing. I want this to work. 

The song "Ocean Avenue" just came on my Pandora, and just when I realized what song it was, I heard the lyrics "We can leave this town, and run forever..." I'm not sure what is with all this "lyrics applying to my current situation" thing that's going on right now, but it's certainly making this decision a lot easier to make. I want to shove this town into my rear view mirror. I want to leave, and maybe come back, maybe not. I don't know what the universe has in store for me the next few years, but I know that I just want to go with it. In all honesty, it seems like this is what is meant to happen. I feel it in my heart, in my head, and most of all, in my soul.

 This is all so crazy. For once in my life, I'm certain of something, though. I'm certain that I want to sit on the porch with you, smoking non-existent cigarettes, drinking root beer until we throw up, and playing Scrabble until three in the morning. I'm certain that I want to meet new people, on my terms, with a little bit of your help. I'm certain that I don't care what people say, that they can't change my mind by saying this is all silly or stupid. I'm certain that I want you. All of you. The good, the bad, the-soon-not-to-be distance, and all you have to offer. I know how insane this all is. But that porch at three in the morning is looking better and better every time we talk. And it looked pretty damn good in the first place.

ABC

I saw this over at Miss Indie's blog, so I thought I would do it!

A= Available - Mmmm, I'll say yes..
B= Best Friend - Ashley and Leslie! 

C= Cake or pie - Cake
D= Drink of choice - ROOT BEEEER!.  
E= Essential item you use everyday - iTouch

F= Favorite color - Turquoise and Lavender
G= Gummy bears or worms - SOUR worms (; 

H= Hometown - Bremerton, WA
I= Indulgences - Fast food
J= January or February - January.. because I hate Valentine's day. 

K= Kids and Names - No kids yet, but my favorite boys name is Oliver, and my favorite girls names are Eleanor, Lenore, Eloise and Elsie :D! 

L= Life is incomplete without? - Imagination!
M= Marriage date - Oh hell, I have no clue!
N= Number of siblings - One, my older brother, Nick.

O= Oranges or apples - Green Apples.. no peel. 

P= Phobias or Fears - Clowns. (I am diagnosed Coulrophobic) The Dark. Needles. 

Q= Favorite Quote - "I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it" - Jack Dawson, Titanic

R= Reason to smile - My kitty is being cute (:

S= Season - Autumn and Spring

T= Tag 3 or 4 people - Ashley - Leslie - Alexandra 

U= Unknown fact about me - I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow? Haha I can't really think of any "unknown" facts :b

V= Vegetable you don't like - Everything except carrots.

W= Worst habit - Messing with my hair when I'm nervous. (Same as Miss Indie!)

X= X-rays - My shoulder and my mouth :b

Y= Your favorite food - French Fries, Chocolate Shakes and BBQ Chips :D

Z= Zodiac Sign - Virgo!

My Own Adventure

A certain opportunity has risen. An opportunity to have a completely awesome, yet completely insane adventure. I'm more than excited about it, but I don't want to get ahead of myself, hence why I will be extremely vague about it all. It pretty much involves me going somewhere, another state to be exact. Not for a vacation, either. It's scary, and exhilarating at the same time. The thought of getting away from this god-forsaken place... it makes chills run up my spine. I can't explain how I feel right now. There's someone on the other side of this hell hole, waiting for me. Waiting to be something. I can't tell you how awesome that feels. I will let you guys know the full details if and when things happen, so just hold tight!

For Myself

I wish certain people would realize that I have my own things to deal with. I thoroughly "enjoy" (that doesn't sound like the right word...) helping people, but sometimes I have to do things for myself. I don't know if all of this is going to work out, but I hope so badly that it does. To get away from here, to start over new, and to be with someone that I actually really, really like... that's just amazing. The thought of it is amazing. I don't understand how someone can say that I'm leaving them, when I hardly ever get to see them in the first place. I'm not leaving you, m'dear, I'm still going to be able to talk to you and everything. I'll always be just a phone call away. But you can't expect me to stay in a place that is damaging my well being - just to make YOU happy. I'm sorry, but life doesn't work that way.

Confusion

I am blatantly confused. I currently have feelings for a few different people. One will never come back, one lives a million miles away, and the other - "Doesn't want a relationship." So, what is a girl to do? I haven't been in this situation in quite some time, probably two years or so. It's hard enough liking three different people, but it's even harder when your life is chaotic and you're practically busting at the seams with emotions. It gets even more complicated when you realize that the first boy and I have an extreme amount of history. Heart wrenching in the best and worst ways kind of history. I'm not sure if I should let it go, or try one last time. I'm literally half and half of what to do. I can't ask you guys for help because it's way more complicated then a simple "yes, go for it" or "no, let it go." Then there's the second boy. Wonderfully witty, cute in every way, and I can tell him just about anything without feeling judged. Two problems. He lives in a different state.. and, oh yeah, did I mention he has a girlfriend? So not only would it be extremely hard to make it work (Tim Gunn's voice just popped in my head when I wrote that...) but also there's a third person involved in it all. Now, the last boy. He lives in the same state, and is single. We don't have any romantic history, which is good in this situation. The problem: He doesn't want a girlfriend. So my conclusion on my confusion? I'm screwed. I don't think that any of this will work out. The first boy has me so far out of his mind, and I highly doubt that I will come back into it. The second boy.. well, I've tried the whole "long distance when you've never met the person" and dear god was that a horror story. Almost a year of my life, gone, with the worst memories. I'm not saying this boy will be the same, but it's hard to think it will be different when that's all you know. Now the third boy, I just don't know. I feel like I can  be my complete and total self around him, but then he comes back with "I don't want to be in a relationship." I mean, I KNOW it's obvious that I like him. I wish that he could see that we might be good together. We won't know unless we try. That goes to everyone mentioned in this post.