I needed to get this off my chest

I am tired of making excuses as to why she behaves this way. I'm exhausted of letting this stress eat away at me. I have yet to find someone who can even remotely understand what this is like - having your mother, who all your life prior to three years ago, was your best friend, turn her back on you because she remarried. I just can't understand why she has done this and why she fails to see how badly it has been hurting me on a daily basis. I can't understand how it just happened over night - one day she was my mom, talking to me like we always talked, then the next day she didn't call and didn't care to call for six months. I have only seen her a handful of times in the last two years. If you had told me even five years ago that I would only see my mother five times over the course of two years, I would have wondered what alien ship you crawled off of - because clearly you didn't know my mom and I. Now, everything I say falls of deaf ears. Her lack of even trying to make up for what has happened boggles my mind. She only calls me when she needs something. I only see her at family get togethers, but of course only if her and her husband don't leave before we get there. It hit me nearly a year after my mom and her husband got married that I have step siblings. Two or three, I think. Names? Oh I have no idea. I don't even know if they're male or female, or how old they are. I'm not sure how that hasn't struck anyone else as being odd. My mom has created such a false world, and she has been in the process of it for a very long time. I can see that now. I can look back at my childhood and see that my father was not the monster my mother painted him to be, but rather she saw things in a twisted perspective. I'm not saying my father was perfect, but I used to believe my mom was, and she is clearly not. She is what I refuse to become. A leech. It pains me to write all this, and even more to be thinking it in the first place, but I need to convince myself not to feel guilty for this. She is the one who walked away from me, and I won't bring myself down because I have done nothing wrong. I'm tired of wishing for my 'old mom' back, because I know she is so lost in the little world she has created that I don't believe she will ever come to her senses. I think that's the most heartbreaking thing of all.

Your High Horse Will Surely Falter

You stand so firmly on such shaky ground,
I'm waiting for it to crumble at your feet -
but even so, the fall won't last,
and you will never accept your defeat.
I've stood by you, day after day,
for the last twenty one years of my life...
but that didn't seem to matter one bit
when you dug into my back with your knife.
You tell me you love me and other empty words,
your tone of voice proves you don't care...
your heart is closed and so is your mind,
I doubt I'll ever find my way back to there.
Blood is relation but not a guarantee
that we will always see eye to eye,
don't tell me I'm the one that has given up
when I'm the only one that has tried.

Maybe Everyone Gets A New start

She never thought it would come down to this,
she never thought she would have scars on her wrist,
she doesn't want to admit that anything's wrong,
so she pretends it's nothing and just hums along.
Her mother is worried, scared for her daughter,
it would have been so much easier if she had known her father.
But what she doesn't know is she's stronger than anyone,
consciously putting down the razor and not picking up the gun.
Her memory fails her, tells her happiness has never been around
but if you look deep enough it's just waiting to be found.
Her mind runs faster than she can even comprehend
she's lost all hope in herself so she turns to her friends,
but no one can help her, or so she claims,
she says broken pieces are all that remain.
She sits on the floor, head in her knees,
and wonders how she became so damaged at only sixteen.
But I have faith in this girl, I know she can win,
I know she has it in her, she just has to begin.
Living life isn't easy, she's living proof of that,
because she would do anything to take it all back.
This girl is a wonder to the people that care,
but she will tell you that compassion is rare.
Her misconceptions are brewed deep in her brain,
leaking out stealthily as she covers up the stains.
No one tells her the words she desperately needs to hear -
that there is so much love for her to erase the fear,
that she is a beautiful creature, inside and out,
and she should never have even a second of doubt.
I wish I could take it all away, mend her broken heart,
and scare off anyone that tries to rip it apart.
But her life is not mine and there's only so much I can do,
so I will continue loving her until my wishes come true.

Boyce Family Christmas Party!

So last night was the annual Boyce Family Christmas Party. Seeing as a lot of changes were made this year, it still turned out to be a lovely evening! Here are some pictures that I got. I had a wonderful time this year, as I do every year.

Dylan, Max, Haley, Me, Aaron
Stefan, Heather, Rebekah and Ian

Dylan being... Dylan/

Chit Chatting!

Sasha, Hannah and Me!

Tongueeeees

My Grandma Cath and I (:

Aaron and I!

Me, My Maey, Rebekah and Heather!

It was a very nice day indeed. I will be back again (soon I hope!) with more updates. I feel so bad that I suck at blogging lately! I will definitely be back this week though. Take care guys!

My Bro!

I'm pretty sure this is the only picture in existence of my brother and I when we are both over the age of 12. More importantly, it's one of the very few pictures in which he's smiling, and not making a face at the camera. (Something he is infamous for.) This picture was taken in November of 2008. I was 17 and he was just about to turn 20. It's strange to think, and somehow I just realized, that my brother is 20 in this picture. That's how old I am right now. Hm. My brother and I have been through quite a bit in our lives, most fighting and name calling (to the extreme) once we hit our teenage years. I know that once my emotions took full control of me once I turned 15, he was bitter towards me. My relationship with my brother has always saddened me. I think back to the days of Snorlax beanies, Grimmy, Louis, Barbie cars, radio shows on the voice recorder, fighting over who was to open the first present on Christmas (until my parents decided to give us each a small present to rip open at the same time!), hilarious dinner table stories, and of course, "Can I have a dollar?" All of these things are such prominent pieces of my life, and I truly cherish them. My brother will always be my brother, but I feel as if I've missed out on so much of us being siblings in recent years. I love him so much. I wish he could see that I'm not the annoying little 12 year old girl that I used to be (Nick, if you ever read this, this is proof! I admit it! I was an annoying little kid!) I always wished I had the kind of relationship with my brother that my friends have with theirs. I want to be able ask my brother for advice on things, and talk about the nerdy things we both enjoy. I want to be able to invite him to go places with me without it being awkward. (Then again, I AM an awkward person... so most things turn out that way.) I want to be able to hug him without him freaking out, or even worse, just standing there while I DO hug him. I will admit, things have gotten better over the last few months. His birthday is coming up in just over a month from now, I'm trying to think of something awesome to make him again this year. (This is what I made him last year! It's a 'quilted' 8 bit Link that I then sewed on to dark green fleece for a blanket!) Well, that concludes my vent-sesh about my brother!

The quarter that was needed to do just about anything

A year ago, if you had asked me about a specific family member of mine, I would have told you how awesome she was doing. How much she laughed, how much she cared about herself and others. I would have told you that she was going to live a full and amazing life. I would have continued to tell you that until July 3rd of this year. That day will forever be burned into my memory. My mom walked in, zombie-like, not much color in her face. I turned to her and simply asked, "What happened?" She started to speak but the tears got the best of her. Earlier that week, my grandparents had sent out a very cryptic email saying that all my mom's siblings needed to meet at their house for a chat. Of course, no one assumed it was going to turn out the way that it did. The gossip started as soon as everyone had read the email. "Maybe they're moving!" "Maybe they're getting rid of the dogs?" "Maybe... no, nothing could be wrong." Although none of us wanted to think about it being possible, it was. My grandmother, a strong, life-loving woman, revealed that she has stage 4 lung cancer. Cancer. MY Grandma Cath?! Not possible. No way, no how. My mom choked back her tears as she told me the news. I instantly felt my eyes start to swell. Memories of her started to circle through my head. I felt as if an emotional tornado and just come through the room, it started out perfectly fine, and now everything had been ripped apart. Emotions were running haywire, tears were falling from our faces. My grandma was apparently in good spirits, which was to be expected, seeing as she IS my Grandma Cath. Somehow, though, I knew it wouldn't stay that way for very long. Not only was it effecting her lungs, but the cancer had attached itself to her ribs, and there was speculation that it had spread to her brain. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of her being sick. To this day, I have a hard time thinking about it. Memories continue to swim in my mind. The wine testing t-shirt that I always asked to sleep in. The cameo music box. The quarter that was needed to do just about anything. The fact that when I was a kid, I learned she was 56 years old, and for some reason I still think of her to be that age. My cousin Haley and I counting all the clocks in her house, and then having her laugh because we missed an obvious one. Donut holes and my loose tooth. Oyster crackers. The list goes on and on and I will forever cherish those memories. I know that it's going to be unbearable when she has to go, but I'm trying my hardest to live in the moment and think positively. For now I will continue to visit with her, and talk and laugh. Oh boy, do I love to hear her laugh. I think that's all I really can do. Make the best of our time. My bit of advice for anyone who is struggling with anything similar to this: Laugh. Keep laughing until your stomach hurts and you can  barely breathe. Then laugh a little bit more. It makes it all just a little more bearable. I promise.

Please take a second to read this

I found out today that someone extremely close to me has a form of cancer. She is at stage four right now, and it scares the shit out of me that I don't know what's going to happen. This person has been apart of my life literally since the day I was born. I don't know what to do. I have burst into tears five separate times today, and I don't know how long I can hold it together. I cannot lose her.. I just can't. I really just hope that she gets better, for her own sake as well as everyone else's.. but Jesus Christ this is so scary. I'm asking a simple favor from you guys. Please, just take a second to send happy thoughts towards my family. I'm not religious at all, but if you are, please take another second to pray for her. This is a really tough time for my family, and I didn't know what else to do.. other than ask you guys for a little emotional help. This came as a complete shock, seeing as this person has been pretty healthy. I just need you guys to take those seconds and do that for me.. please. That's all I'm asking..

I know I ask you guys for happy thoughts somewhat often, but really, we truly need them right now. 

My Brother, Nick

This is my brother, Nick, and I. This picture was taken in November of 2008, and it was the first picture we had of JUST us since we were under the age of ten. Our relationship has been quite the rocky one, especially throughout my mid-teen years. In the last year or so, though, things have gotten so much better between us. We are actually talking, and not just when we have to. My brother is the king of "Meh" (seriously, I got him a black shirt with white writing that just says "meh." on it!) so pretty much every time you try to talk to him, it starts with a shrug of his shoulders, and ends with "meh" and then he walks away. Recently, though, we have been getting along a lot better, andddd he will actually engage in a conversation with me. Then today I went to his bedroom door, and asked if he wanted to walk down to Mcdonalds and get some snacks with the six bucks I had. He surprisingly said "Yeah sure, cool" or something along those lines. So we walked down to Mcdonalds (it's only like a two block walk) and we talked the entire way there! It was really cool. We talked about movies, since he works at the theater, and we agreed that James Cameron is a sell out for re-releasing Titanic in 3-D next year (Mr. Cameron... HOW COULD YOUUU?!) I got him a double cheeseburger (he insisted he didn't want anything else) and fries and a root beer for myself. He thanked me, and we walked back to my mom's place and again, we talked (this time mostly) the whole way home. When we got inside I thanked him for walking down there with me, and said "Oh of course, thanks for the cheeseburger!" (again, or something along those lines). It's really nice that we are building up an "adult relationship" so-to-speak. I'm glad that we are able to only somewhat awkwardly walk to Mcdonalds together!