I'll never let go. I promise.

It is no surprise to anyone that has known me, at any point in my life, that I struggle with quite a few mental disorders. Over the last two years, I have worked harder than I ever have to banish them to the back of my skull and live my life. My fiance has been a huge part of this for me, he has given me more courage and support than anyone else, and with him by my side I feel as if I could take on the world (but in a level headed, non-manic way).

I have known since I first met my fiance that he struggles with severe depression. Us both having mental disorders scared the crap out of me at first - surely, if no stable minded (hah! yeah right..) ex boyfriend of mine could handle my "craziness", a man with his own mental chaos would have that much more of a hard time handling things, right?

My fiance explained it to me, within the first week of our relationship, as this: "We are more of an A-frame, we will hold each other up rather than pulling each other down." This explanation made a lot of sense, and up until a month or two ago, it was working.

In the last two years, certain things have happened that completely boggle my mind - I can't understand how I have managed to stay standing, how I haven't broken down from the stress. I have felt as if I am on a very, very small edge though - like all it's going to take is that one thing that sets me off and I will fall down.

Lately, my fiance's depression has been creating a wedge between us. I have run out of ideas on how to help - he's terrified to open up to me and to talk, but when either of us bottles things up, regardless if they are about the other person or not, we will start bickering. It breaks my heart because I want to be there for him; I want to be his shoulder to cry on. I want him to know that nothing can ever push me away because I will fight for him; I will fight with him. I will do anything to see his real smile, and I will never give up on getting it.

It has become so frustrating - in a "four year old throwing a tantrum for not getting their way" manner - seeing him succumb to the darkness in his head. I love my fiance, and I hate to see him so low. The head spaces he finds himself in are all to reminiscent of what I used to experience - and that scares me, for his sake. That darkness is a place I wouldn't wish upon anyone; not even an enemy. To be so lost within darkness, within your own mind, is terrifyingly comforting. It is the devil taunting you with diamonds.

Having to stand on the sidelines while watching this happen is something I've never had to do before, at least not involving the most important person in my life. I care about my fiance more than anyone in the world, all I want to do is hold him and magically love all the darkness away. I know first hand that it doesn't work that way, and that's what frustrates me more than anything. I know damn well I can't do anything - but that's not good enough. I have to do something. But what?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I will continue figuring it out until the day I die, because nothing will keep me from the love of my life. I will forever be the right side of his A-frame.





(Note: I understand you could all figure out who my fiance is very easily, but for the sake of the subject of this post I decided to leave out his name.)