I'll never let go. I promise.

It is no surprise to anyone that has known me, at any point in my life, that I struggle with quite a few mental disorders. Over the last two years, I have worked harder than I ever have to banish them to the back of my skull and live my life. My fiance has been a huge part of this for me, he has given me more courage and support than anyone else, and with him by my side I feel as if I could take on the world (but in a level headed, non-manic way).

I have known since I first met my fiance that he struggles with severe depression. Us both having mental disorders scared the crap out of me at first - surely, if no stable minded (hah! yeah right..) ex boyfriend of mine could handle my "craziness", a man with his own mental chaos would have that much more of a hard time handling things, right?

My fiance explained it to me, within the first week of our relationship, as this: "We are more of an A-frame, we will hold each other up rather than pulling each other down." This explanation made a lot of sense, and up until a month or two ago, it was working.

In the last two years, certain things have happened that completely boggle my mind - I can't understand how I have managed to stay standing, how I haven't broken down from the stress. I have felt as if I am on a very, very small edge though - like all it's going to take is that one thing that sets me off and I will fall down.

Lately, my fiance's depression has been creating a wedge between us. I have run out of ideas on how to help - he's terrified to open up to me and to talk, but when either of us bottles things up, regardless if they are about the other person or not, we will start bickering. It breaks my heart because I want to be there for him; I want to be his shoulder to cry on. I want him to know that nothing can ever push me away because I will fight for him; I will fight with him. I will do anything to see his real smile, and I will never give up on getting it.

It has become so frustrating - in a "four year old throwing a tantrum for not getting their way" manner - seeing him succumb to the darkness in his head. I love my fiance, and I hate to see him so low. The head spaces he finds himself in are all to reminiscent of what I used to experience - and that scares me, for his sake. That darkness is a place I wouldn't wish upon anyone; not even an enemy. To be so lost within darkness, within your own mind, is terrifyingly comforting. It is the devil taunting you with diamonds.

Having to stand on the sidelines while watching this happen is something I've never had to do before, at least not involving the most important person in my life. I care about my fiance more than anyone in the world, all I want to do is hold him and magically love all the darkness away. I know first hand that it doesn't work that way, and that's what frustrates me more than anything. I know damn well I can't do anything - but that's not good enough. I have to do something. But what?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I will continue figuring it out until the day I die, because nothing will keep me from the love of my life. I will forever be the right side of his A-frame.





(Note: I understand you could all figure out who my fiance is very easily, but for the sake of the subject of this post I decided to leave out his name.)

I needed to get this off my chest

I am tired of making excuses as to why she behaves this way. I'm exhausted of letting this stress eat away at me. I have yet to find someone who can even remotely understand what this is like - having your mother, who all your life prior to three years ago, was your best friend, turn her back on you because she remarried. I just can't understand why she has done this and why she fails to see how badly it has been hurting me on a daily basis. I can't understand how it just happened over night - one day she was my mom, talking to me like we always talked, then the next day she didn't call and didn't care to call for six months. I have only seen her a handful of times in the last two years. If you had told me even five years ago that I would only see my mother five times over the course of two years, I would have wondered what alien ship you crawled off of - because clearly you didn't know my mom and I. Now, everything I say falls of deaf ears. Her lack of even trying to make up for what has happened boggles my mind. She only calls me when she needs something. I only see her at family get togethers, but of course only if her and her husband don't leave before we get there. It hit me nearly a year after my mom and her husband got married that I have step siblings. Two or three, I think. Names? Oh I have no idea. I don't even know if they're male or female, or how old they are. I'm not sure how that hasn't struck anyone else as being odd. My mom has created such a false world, and she has been in the process of it for a very long time. I can see that now. I can look back at my childhood and see that my father was not the monster my mother painted him to be, but rather she saw things in a twisted perspective. I'm not saying my father was perfect, but I used to believe my mom was, and she is clearly not. She is what I refuse to become. A leech. It pains me to write all this, and even more to be thinking it in the first place, but I need to convince myself not to feel guilty for this. She is the one who walked away from me, and I won't bring myself down because I have done nothing wrong. I'm tired of wishing for my 'old mom' back, because I know she is so lost in the little world she has created that I don't believe she will ever come to her senses. I think that's the most heartbreaking thing of all.

Dear Alexa - Age 15

i. Your beauty does not come from what other people say about you, what any negative force in your mind tells you, or even how you style your hair or the clothes you wear. Beauty comes from who you are, and showing that to the world. If you think you look gorgeous in something your friends wouldn't dare be seen in, it doesn't matter, because they aren't wearing it. Embrace who you are, not who society, friends, or anyone else tells you to be.

ii. Attention from the preferred gender is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but attention should never go hand in hand with self worth. How much a teenage boy likes you or how much he texts you should never represent how much you love yourself. The boys I dated in my teenage years, even the older ones, were - at the time, of course - vital aspects of my life. Now, I look back at them all and even with the "but I KNOW they cared*" (*at the beginning, at least), it's blatantly obvious that they had little to know interest in me. I mean, honestly, I am so freaking glad the boys of my teenage years are so very, very far from my life now.

iii. Alcohol will not make you cool, it will make you do stupid things you won't remember. Drugs will not make you cool, you are gambling with a possibly life threatening addiction. Drunk driving is just plain moronic, and no, no one can do it "well enough to get home."

iv. Fight for friendships, not for social status. True friends won't care about anything other than your well being and happiness.

v. Stand your ground, be confident in who you are, and don't let people talk down to you. The decisions you make are yours to make - but always be aware of the ripple effect in those closest to you.

vi. Remember that older people actually do have more experience than you. They do know what they're talking about most of the time. "Don't act like you've been to China with the tee shirt to prove it unless you actually can prove it."

vii. What you are feeling will lessen over time, and although I know you do not believe that, it's true. Teenage years are scary, for thousands of reasons, and hormones are one of them. On top of everything else that goes on, it makes emotions spiral out of control. Mental illness mixed with that is a recipe for disaster, but not a permanent one.

viii. And most important of all, never underestimate the power of your mind. Both good and evil can come from it. 

Ramble Writing

I know now that I was only ever in their beds because I fit some sort of mold, whether it was my hair color or the style of my clothes - maybe my age, or my naivety - I fit into what they wanted, what they convinced themselves they were in entitled to. They took a piece of me to keep with them, to remind themselves when they're aging and lonely, that at one time they were something. I suppose that is just the full circle, I used them to validate myself at a young age, to feel like I was something. They will validate themselves far past any significant time in their lives, and it will be all they have to hold on to. I have used this validation to help myself grow into a better person for a significant time in my life. So, really, I won. Hear that? I won.