Fear is no longer an option

I can honestly tell you that I have waited years for this moment. For the world around me to stop spinning, the clouds in my head to dissipate, and the stinging in my veins to become an occasional mishap. I look in the mirror and I see life. I see the beauty in myself, in everything that I am. I couldn't even begin to explain how this happened. How the smile on my face became genuine, and not forced. How I can now interact with people without thinking the worst. How you can see the light in my eyes for the first time since I was six. The point being, it's all happening. My life is beyond amazing and I didn't do a thing. I have been off meds for a while now, and I have dealt with some extraordinary things. Things that I had a harder time dealing with while ON meds. I think back to being fifteen years old and how far gone I was. How out of my head I was. I even think back to being seventeen years old. Being on eight different mood altering medications. Trying to end my life. Even a year ago, I was in a better, but still not so great place. I could feel this coming on for the last few months. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that a switch was flipped in my head. I woke up one day and I could feel the sun on my skin. The wind on my face. The cement under my feet. I woke up one day and I knew. I knew that I was alive. And being truly alive is a better feeling then any medication could have ever given me. I can feel life around me. I can feel life inside me. I am Alexa. I am strong. I am a survivor. I am alive.

Autumn

Autumn is officially here. Seattle saw it's usual weather cycle this weekend. Bright and sunny, then pouring rain, then super crazy winds. Oh, and a power outage! I spent my weekend with my friends, over on the Seattle side. I left Friday and just got back last night. The last two days of my little adventure were beyond words of explanation. I seriously cannot begin to tell you guys how awesome I have been feeling lately. I'm sure I will post about that soon, seeing as I started writing about it while laying down last night. I really like the track that my mind is on, and honestly, I feel so free. I like this feeling. This feeling is AMAZING. I hope that this season is awesome. I don't have any expectations, I just have that gut instinct that has me really excited for Fall/Winter. I'll be back either later today or tomorrow to fill you guys in on that feeling I was talking about earlier. Take care.

The quarter that was needed to do just about anything

A year ago, if you had asked me about a specific family member of mine, I would have told you how awesome she was doing. How much she laughed, how much she cared about herself and others. I would have told you that she was going to live a full and amazing life. I would have continued to tell you that until July 3rd of this year. That day will forever be burned into my memory. My mom walked in, zombie-like, not much color in her face. I turned to her and simply asked, "What happened?" She started to speak but the tears got the best of her. Earlier that week, my grandparents had sent out a very cryptic email saying that all my mom's siblings needed to meet at their house for a chat. Of course, no one assumed it was going to turn out the way that it did. The gossip started as soon as everyone had read the email. "Maybe they're moving!" "Maybe they're getting rid of the dogs?" "Maybe... no, nothing could be wrong." Although none of us wanted to think about it being possible, it was. My grandmother, a strong, life-loving woman, revealed that she has stage 4 lung cancer. Cancer. MY Grandma Cath?! Not possible. No way, no how. My mom choked back her tears as she told me the news. I instantly felt my eyes start to swell. Memories of her started to circle through my head. I felt as if an emotional tornado and just come through the room, it started out perfectly fine, and now everything had been ripped apart. Emotions were running haywire, tears were falling from our faces. My grandma was apparently in good spirits, which was to be expected, seeing as she IS my Grandma Cath. Somehow, though, I knew it wouldn't stay that way for very long. Not only was it effecting her lungs, but the cancer had attached itself to her ribs, and there was speculation that it had spread to her brain. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of her being sick. To this day, I have a hard time thinking about it. Memories continue to swim in my mind. The wine testing t-shirt that I always asked to sleep in. The cameo music box. The quarter that was needed to do just about anything. The fact that when I was a kid, I learned she was 56 years old, and for some reason I still think of her to be that age. My cousin Haley and I counting all the clocks in her house, and then having her laugh because we missed an obvious one. Donut holes and my loose tooth. Oyster crackers. The list goes on and on and I will forever cherish those memories. I know that it's going to be unbearable when she has to go, but I'm trying my hardest to live in the moment and think positively. For now I will continue to visit with her, and talk and laugh. Oh boy, do I love to hear her laugh. I think that's all I really can do. Make the best of our time. My bit of advice for anyone who is struggling with anything similar to this: Laugh. Keep laughing until your stomach hurts and you can  barely breathe. Then laugh a little bit more. It makes it all just a little more bearable. I promise.

The Woods

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to venture into the woods with a friend of mine, Alexandra. We talked and laughed, took pictures and had a really great time.These are just some of the photos that were taken that day, and I am more than happy with them! I'm really excited for the two of us to meet up again and take more photos.

 I really want to get back into photography. I feel like it was pushed to the back burner this summer, and that really frustrates me. I love taking pictures. It's something that has brought a lot of happiness into my life since I started four years ago, and I just don't like seeing other things take over. Especially mindless things that don't really have a permanent place in my life. Okay, I'm done with that tiny rant.

Once Again!

Well I redid my blog, AGAIN. I've been having that urge to revamp it for a while, and since I finally finished cleaning today, I figured that I would reward myself a little bit! As you can see, I renamed my blog as well. I absolutely LOVE Autumn and the Make Believe, but it just got to be a hassle trying to type it out all the time. So, I present to you my new and improved blog: Crooked Clouds! I really hope to start jumping back into the blogging world again, I just haven't had much time lately, and I have been having writers block... UGH! I promise you all though that I will be back into the swing of things just as soon as possible. How are you all doing? Hopefully well. I have been doing pretty well, all things considered. I really want to go back to school for Winter quarter, seeing as I missed Fall quarter (they started today) but I have to convince my dad to pay for it... yeah, it's going to be quite difficult. Anyways, that's where I'm at with life! Anything you guys are curious about? I feel like there's a gaping hole with my life here on blogger.. so if you guys are wondering about anything that's going on, please ask! I have a lot going on and I know I'm probably forgetting SOMETHING that you guys want to know! I say this a lot, but, take care everyone (:

Update

It's been a very eventful two weeks. I have gone places, done crazy things, quite possibly could have gotten arrested (more than once) and hung out with some awesome people. Now I am back to the real world, still in Seattle, all while rethinking my entire life. Things have flipped in totally new directions and I'm honestly terrified. My current "home" is doing nothing but bringing me down further, so I'm trying to untangle that mess, as well as trying to figure out money, schooling, emotions and a brain that over thinks just about everything. Deciding on what you want to do with your life is quite horribly frustrating, as I'm sure most of you know. I've bounced around from photographer to writer to used book store owner to dental assistant to joining the military. The last two have me in shock. I have so much to think about, so much to do, in such a little amount of time. My dad is not supporting anything I try to do, which is stressing me out even more than I was in the first place. I feel like I've put my biggest passions to the side. Photography is on the back burner until I can figure all this out. I have been neglecting my poor followers (that's you guys!) with a lack of updates and posts. I also feel like my head has been spinning so much that I can't write, which frustrates me probably the most. I really don't want to be in this situation, but here I am, and I can't stop it. I will try my best to keep you guys in the "know" about what's going on, but as for now I must go clean and think. I hope you all are doing well and if you're starting classes good luck! Take care everyone.

Long Story Short

Well, to make a very long story short....

I'm not in Oklahoma.
I am still, sadly, in Seattle.
The last week has been craaaazy fun though,
so I'm not complaining too much.


It's funny how fast life can change.


Oh and periods suck.
In case you didn't know already.

20!

It's my birthday!

I'm 20 years old as of today!

I'm no longer a teenager!

WEIIIIRD!

Oh... my... GODDDDDD!

Friday, September 9th at 11am my flight leaves from Seattle.
I cannot believe this is actually happening.
HOLY SHIT.
Someone pinch me...
:D!

Knees

I was browsing through my deviantart the other day, which I haven't updated in quite a long time, and I stumbled across this picture. I remember taking this, I believe it was the end of 2007. As many of you know, I was not in a good place back then. I see the thread anklet that I wore for about a year and a half, and I found it last week actually. I also see a healing cut on my left leg. That was my "place of choice" around the time this was taken, although my addiction grew stronger and stronger and soon it didn't matter where I hurt myself. The one thing this picture reminds me most of, though, is being a little kid. As crazy as that sounds, since I was sixteen when this picture was taken, it truly reminds me of being a small child. The reason I say this is because I had a terrible anxious habit as a kid. I had many, actually, including peeling paint from the walls around my house. There are still spots on the mantle and doorways where the paint has been peeled away. Before my dad and I painted my room two years ago, there were scratch patterns around my room on my walls. The thing that is kind of creepy about it? Whenever I moved my bed, the scratch patterns would move too. It makes me wonder how people didn't see something was wrong with me as a child. Anyways, one of my anxious habits was to bite my knees. I would sit with my knees up and I would just bite my knee. It was usually my right one, which is why this picture makes me think of that so much. I never really thought much of it when I was little, but thinking back to when I used to do it, I would leave horrible teeth marks in my skin on my knees. It's kind of scary to think back to my childhood and realize that everything lines up perfectly with what happened. My outbursts of emotion, my separation anxiety from my mom (which I still struggle with sometimes to this day), my anxious habits, my horrible temper, my social phobia, my depression and my anxiety. Even my self injury started when everything came back to me. I really don't know what I'm saying with this post. I just needed to get my thoughts out. So, there you go. My thoughts.