CAMPINGGG!

EEEEP! I LEAVE FOR CAMPING TODAY! :D

So this is probably my last post before I leave for an entire week! D:

Stay calm though, I think you can survive without my blog posts.. ;D
hahah I'm kidding, seriously, juuust kidding (:

I will be writing in a notebook the entire campout,
so if something I write feels special, I'll be sure to type it out on here when I get back (:
I like sharing special things with you guys.

Anywaaaays,
It's only 6:26am here..
oh wait, now it's 6:27!
It's too early -__-

(:

"i must think your highschool is like the movie mean girls and u must think schools over here r like hogwarts from harry potter haha"

Just a little blurb from the conversation I had with Miss Vicky today on FB Chat (: hahaha.
Oh, and she watches Chicken Run, and likes the Sex Pistols...
Yeah, she's pretty awesome hahah (:

VICKY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR NEXT LETTER!
Yay for British mail! :D

Hey guys (:

I leave for camping tomorrow! WOOHOO!
But I'm very sad that I have to leave you guys for a whole week. D:

I won't even have my cell phone! (no service in the woods)

So! Find me on Facebook if you'd like, Alexa Miller (Juanita High School)
because fb is my home page and I seem to check it more often than blogger /:
(stupid, I know!)

Add a "personal message" to your add if you request me though, just so I don't think you're some creepy stalker! :b

Take care guys (:

Jealousy

Why do I get so jealous when it comes to you? You've never been mine, you aren't mine, nor will you ever be mine. And I will never be yours. I should get that through my head before I explode with jealousy.

I could have..

You are the kind of person I have been looking for my whole life. You are kind, caring, sweet, and most of all you treat me like a human. More than a human, you treat me like a friend. That's a feeling that I don't feel that often. You know, I think I could have loved you.. given the chance to. But that's my problem, isn't it? That I am never given the chance. I don't really know if you would have ever given me that chance, but I like to think you would. You are that kind of guy.

I'm pissed.

I'm sick and tired of everyone treating me like shit. I have feelings, I have a heart. My feelings can be hurt and my heart can be broken. JUST LIKE YOURS. Don't talk to me like I'm not human, don't treat me that way either. I wish I wasn't so damn nice and could actually stand up for myself when shit like this happens. But nooooope, I'll just take it and then when something sets me off I'll explode. Not good, I know. I just want friends that will actually hang out with me, text me and text me back, and treat me like the human that I am. Why is that so damn hard to find?

I can't help but wonder

I can't help but wonder how people see me. I really don't understand why people are rude to me, when I treat them with the utmost respect. I have lost so many friends from being the "bad guy" when in actuality, THEY are the "bad guys." I just don't understand it. Quit with the rudeness, and the hate. I hate to be cliche, but can't we all just get along?

/:

I'm sorry for my little blow up on here yesterday...
I needed to get all my anger out,
and it turns out I still ended up yelling at my dad when we got in a fight last night.

Anyways,

I'm babysitting again today.
Yay (:

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry but I have to get a bit nasty here.

You two go fuck yourselves.
Seriously, WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If you have a problem with me, actually spell out your words for one,
and two, call me or talk to me in person.
All these texting wars are fucking ridiculous,
and it makes me laugh.

But seriously,
go fuck yourself, both of you.
I'm done with you.

Babysitting (:

Yesterday I successfully babysat two kids. They were a lot of fun, and I get to sit them again tomorrow! (:

Just wanted to share my good news haha.

This is my problem

I have dated few, loved less, and been seen with more. I guess my question is this: Would you love me in the morning? Chances are you won't, as for I have been in that situation before and they never do. It's an epidemic that is spreading to all their minds. That's it's okay to trick a girl into falling for you, and then leave her when it gets too "serious." It's never really that serious, unless you drop that L-bomb on someone. I admit, I have dropped it in the past, not truly meaning it because I was confused, scared and hurt. It's almost like people feel that if you say those three words, it will make a person stay. When in actuality, it will make them run away faster then you can blink. I don't really understand why people won't give other people a chance. That's all us lonely, pathetic girls are looking for. A chance. To prove to them that there is more than nubby knees and scared skin, frazzled hair or chipped nail polish. There is more to everyone, and I wish there were people out there who weren't so shallow and just take a chance on one of us. Something that no one has ever done with me before. So forget about stereotypes, cliques and standards, be who you are, be who you always wanted to be. I can't say, "Someone will find you day, everyone finds someone," because I can't prove that to be true. I'm still sitting here, a lonely, pathetic girl, and I'm just looking for peace with someone. I'm not looking for Prince Charming, because it would be a joke to think that there is a perfect person out there. I'm looking for a friend, which will turn into a romance, which will turn into something wonderful. Give girls like me a chance, that's all we're asking for.

Don't act surprised

It was so much easier when we were little. No cliques, no drama. Well, except for all the "NO! I GET RAZZLE DAZZLE RED!" fights. I thought all this drama would disappear when I got out of high school, which was over a year ago. But then, I realized that all the drama that I have with people, are with kids that are still in high school. I don't have this drama with my graduated friends. Well, what little friends I have. But that's beside the point. My point being - I'll go through life on my own just fine. I don't need friends, family, acquaintances, or boyfriends/girlfriends. I am just fine by myself. Just about everyone in my life (besides my blogger friends) has treated me like complete and total shit. So you know what guys? Go to hell. I'll be fine.

Titanic?

I have a huge urge to watch Titanic right now.
But if you know me, that's not so odd, considering I've seen the movie literally over 3,000 times. Yes three thousand. I used to watch it three times a day for a straight year. Plus all the other hundreds of times I've seen it. (I'd fake sick when I was like nine, just to stay home from school and watch it.) bahaha. My record is going 45 minutes straight with out missing one word. Yeah, I talk along with the movie. ^__^


OBSESSED MUCH? (:

Just wanted to let you guys know!

Just wanted to post on here to let you beloved bloggers know that I will be gone from the 26th to the 1st! OHHH NOOOO! D:

I will be camping and won't have access to any computer.

):

I will be posting avidly for the next week and as soon as I get back I will let you all know about my adventures! (:

When the sun is shining

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of bed. It seems that's the case lately, that I wake up in a lousy mood. One day, though, one day I will wake up, the sun will be shining and I will think to myself, "What a day to be alive." It's easier said than done, you know. Being happy with your life, the events that have occurred and the ones that will, the people that inhabit it, and the scars that lay deeply on your heart, soul and skin. I will make the true claim of the fact that things have been better this year then they have been, well, ever. I am truly envious of the tide. Coming and going in sync with the moon, it crashes upon the rocks and sets it mark into them for minutes only, but it still leaves it's mark. The one aspect that I am most jealous of, is that the tide leaves it's fingerprint on the hearts and souls of the rocks. I cannot honestly say that I have ever left a positive fingerprint on a person's heart or soul. I have been called every negative name in the book, one after another. It's never enough that I try to be a good person, is it? It's never enough that I make small strides, not big ones. But most of all, it's never enough that I will one day be okay, because everyone wants me to be okay now. Well I can tell you, one day, when the sun is shining, I will think to myself, "What I day to be alive."

Seven Loves

I was tagged by miss Ellie Grace to do this, and I will tag two people at the end of it! Here's my Seven Loves!

1. Ted Bundy!

Now, just in case you guys didn't realize my URL, this man is like my obsession. I have read "The Stranger Beside Me" twice, and I have read just about every other book, and watched every movie, that involves him. I'm a biiiiit creepy, I know. ^__^

2. The Boondock Saints!



I just saw this movie for the first time about a year ago or so, and I fell in love with it immediately. It helps that they are adorable (: hahaha. I even have a Boondock Saints hoodie, complete with the quotes "Aequitas" and "Veritas" on the sleeves!

3. CAMERAS!



Now, although I am currently stuck with a dinky point and shoot, it doesn't mean that I'm not pining after one of these bad boys (; haha. I'm a total Canon girl, and I can't wait until I get my hands on a DSLR.

4. Music



I have been in love with music for as long as I can remember. We sing The Eagles around the campfire at every Campout, and I used to play air guitar to Led Zeppelin with my dad.

5. Sewing and Crafting



I have been sewing for about four years now, but I've always been a crafty and creative person. We have pictures upon pictures of all the crafts I made when I was little.

6. Pen Pals



Vicky and Kaycee! This one goes out to you! I've never had pen pals in my entire life, which I think means I was robbed of something in childhood. Hahah. I'm so glad that I can write letters to you girls! (:

7. Blogging



Hahahah, I realized that by the end of this, I sound like a creepy, pathetic, total nerd. :b Oh well haha. Blogging really helps me figure out what's going on in my mind, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. Er, well, if terrorists said "We will only spare your planet if you stop blogging!" THEN I would, but until then, nope! (:

OKAY! Here is Vicky and Kaycee! Do your Seven Loves! (:

VICKYYYY!

VICKY, VICKY, VICKYYY!

I GOT YOUR LETTER TODAY! :D

I wrote my next letter out and I will put in the mail either later today or tomorrow! :D
(Depends on if my dad and I go to a store with a mail box at it haha)

EEEP! haha

I feel like throwing up.

It started off so simply, but I should have seen the red flags. It was too simple for us. You and I have never had a simple encounter in our time knowing each other, so why would it start then? It was almost a year ago, the last time I saw you, can you believe that? I don't even care, to be honest. I deleted your number from my phone, and I'm damn happy that I did. I don't ever want to speak to you again, unless.. well, unless my suspicions are true, then I'd have to talk to you. Well, I could be a bitch and just not say anything, but that's not really who I am at all, so I will track you down somehow. The thought that I have already been through this hell once, and to think that I might be going through it again, makes me sick. Physically sick. Then to think about the fact that all because of you, I might have hurt someone else that is very, very important to me. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I just can't think about anything else. It isn't right I had to go through this one time alone, but to possibly have to go through it a second time alone? You are one unimaginable bastard.


(I was being vague on purpose, you guys. DO NOT ask me what this is about, and no, I am NOT what you may think I am. I didn't know who else to talk to about this, so I posted on here. This blog is everything to me, and you guys have become my friends.)

We gave it a shot

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It probably doesn't help that you aren't completely out of my life, even though we broke up months ago. I guess what I'm wanting to say is that I still care about you, and if you were to walk up to me right now and say, "I'm sorry, please take me back," there is no doubt in my mind that I would. You are the only person I've ever been one hundred percent comfortable with. You knew the bad things about me but you still cared. You and I were something that I thought I would only ever dream about, but we happened. It was a short happening, though, and I wish it could have lasted longer. We gave it a shot. That's what matters to me, and if you think there's no possible way we can work things out to be together again, well... I guess I'll have to be okay with that. You're happy now, and that's truly all that matters to me.

EEEEP! :D

Okay, so you know the friend I wished a Happy Birthday to the other day? Matty? WELLLL!
HE'S MOVING BACK TO SEATTLE! :D

AAAAHHHHHH I'M SO EXCITEEEED! :D
bahahaha

I made a sweatshirt! :D

Yesterday I was little busy bee, and I spent a good three hours making this hoodie! The hood is black, and the rest is made out of what I call my "Lumberjack Raccoon Fabric." (: You can't see any of the raccoons in the close up picture, but I promise they are there haha. I used a sleeve pattern for the sleeves, because, well, I've never made sleeves in my life, and it took me about 4 tries to finally get them sewn in right haha. It was my first time using a pattern, as well! The rest of the sweatshirt (the body, pocket and hood) were made from laying out one of my sweatshirts and cutting around it (that's what I call the ghetto way of making things ;D haha) Anyways, here it is! I'm very proud of it (:

No one cares

No one cares.

Summer Time

The weather has warmed up and it's finally Summer here in Seattle. It just doesn't seem like it to me.. I guess it won't until I'm camping, at the fair, swimming, or having fun with friends. That is, if I only had any friends to enjoy this summer with. I promised myself that this year's Summer would be better than last year's, only because last Summer sucked so badly because I literally did nothing. at. all. I can count on one hand the number of friends that I have. All of my friends would fit onto my finger tips on one hand. I don't even have a best friend, or "true friends." All I have is "kind of sort of" friends, who are only in my life when it's convenient for them. I'm sorry, you twits, but that's not how friendship works. Friendship is something that is in your life at all times. You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be friends with someone, which is what everyone I know seems to do. I feel like everyone has given up on me. If you knew me in person, you'd probably give up on me too.

PEN PALS!

KAYCEE - I sent your letter today! I just watched the mail man pick it up! (:

VICKY - Still waiting on receiving your letter; I anxiously check the mail everyday! haha (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, MATTY! (:

It's his 19th birthday today, and I wish he wasn't in Arizona so that I could celebrate with him! ):

Anywayssss..
I'm off to watch Days of our Lives! :D

Another Shuffle Survey (:

I seriously think you guys should do these! The answers are different everytime, and you can google search for different questions (:


How am I feeling today?
Ready and Willing - Self Against City

Will I get far in life?
Drive My Soul - Lights

How do my friends see me?
Centerfold - J. Geils Band (hahahahhahahhaahha)

Where will I get Married?
A Town Like This - Cady Groves

What is my best friend's theme song?
Wonderful - Everclear

What is the story of my life?
Blame It On The Rain - He Is We

What is/was highschool like?
High School Party - Bo Burnham (well that works out! haha)

How can I get ahead in life?
Slow Dance With a Stranger - Danger Radio

What is the best thing about me?
A Lotta Nerve - Allister

How is today going to be?
In Fate's Hands - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

What is in store for this weekend?
Money To Blow - Birdman, Lil Wayne and Drake

What song describes my parents?
Rehab For Fiction Characters - Bo Burnham (hahah uhhhh..)

To describe my grandparents?
All The Right Moves - One Republic

How is my life going?
At The Bottom Of Everything - Bright Eyes

What song will they play at my funeral?
Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys (bahah)

How does the world see me?
So Much Love - The Rocket Summer

Will I have a happy life?
First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes (woo!)

What do my friends really think of me?
Karma Chameleon - Culture Club (well.. great.)

Do people secretly lust after me?
How Did I Fall In Love With You - Backstreet Boys (aweee)

How can I make myself happy?
Rock This Town - Stray Cats

What should I do with my life?
1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White T's

Will I ever have children?
Waiting - The Rocket Summer

What is some good advice for me?
Better Part Of Me - House Of Fools

How will I be remembered?
I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs

What is my signature dancing song?
Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics

What do I think my current theme song is?
Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood (baaah haha)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
The Saltwater Room - Owl City

500th Post!

WOOHOO! THIS IS MY 500th POST! :D


Nowwww... if only I could get 500 followers... (;

I want, I crave, I need

It's quite odd, actually, how the human mind works. Most of the people I know, don't think about the words they are going to speak before they say them. Their tongues should lay gently in the cavern they call their mouth, but no, no, no. They want, they crave, they need the satisfaction of being heard. No matter how crass, or how hurtful, or spiteful their words may be, they feel the itch of needing to say them. Well you know what I want, what I crave, and what I need? People to be nice for once. People to take back their tongues and lay them in their mouths. I'm growing tired of the way people are treated, including myself. It's time for a change.

Shuffle Survey!

You guys should do this (: They are always fun! (:



1) Open up your library (iPod, Winamp, iTunes, etc.)

2) Put it on shuffle

3) Press play

4) for each question, type in what song is playing

5) hit next for each question


Here goes everything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What do people assume when they first look at me?
Break It Out - The Rocket Summer

2. What will be a big challenge in life for me?
Happily Ever After - He Is We (awe maaan)

3. Am I a good boyfriend/girlfriend?
Face Up - Lights

4. Do I have a Secret Admirer?
Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

5. Will I ever become manically depressed in my life?
High Life Scenery - The Rocket Summer

7. Is someone trying to kill me?
Light A Way - He Is We (I'll take that as a no! haha)

8. What is my sexual preference?
Catch My Disease - Ben Lee (HAHAHAHAHA)

9. What am I afraid of?
Poison Oak - Bright Eyes

10. What will I be doing in a few years?
Yes I Will - Backstreet Boys (:

11. What is some good advice for me?
The Listening - Lights

12. What should I do instead of this quiz?
A Decade Under The Influence - Taking Back Sunday

13. Will you get married?
Hazy - Rosi Golan

14. What is the story of your life?
Seventeen Ain't So Sweet - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (baaah)

15. How can you get ahead in life?
Hungry Like The Wolf - Duran Duran

16. What is the best thing about your friends?
Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh - Bright Eyes

17. What song describes you?
Misery Loves It's Company - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (how lovely...)

18. How does the world see you?
Pretend (Reprise) - Lights

19. Will you have a happy life?
Money To Blow - Birdman, Drake and Lil Wayne (SWEEET!)

20. How can I make myself happy?
Rest - Nevertheless

21. What should you do with your life?
High School Party - Bo Burnham (bahahaha)

22. Will you ever have children?
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

Hello Seattle!

It's kind of pathetic that every time someone says the phrase "Hello Seattle!" the tune of Owl City goes through their head. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Owl City, it's just I don't like that every one and their grandmother is obsessed with him. Haha, okay, enough of my rant, anyyyways...

It's definitely cooled off here in Seattle, granted, it's only 7:09 a.m., but the clouds are out just a little bit. I can see the sun peaking through the trees off my balcony as well. It's been a hottt week here... like, uncomfortably hot. I mean, come on! Us Washingtonians don't know how to function in heat! It's funny - here in Seattle, we complain about it being too cold, and that we want a hot, sunny day... but when that day gets here, we complain about it being too hot! Hmph.

This morning's weather is reminiscent of London, and it makes me miss that place oh so bad. I haven't been there in... oh dear, six years! For those of you who don't know, I went on a student ambassador trip with People To People in summer 2004. I went to England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. I neeeeed to go back! It's hands down the best trip I've ever been on, the culture is so rich and the people I met were amazing. If only I had known Miss Vicky then! ):

I got some new shirts yesterday! For college this fall, that is. I realized I was running low on shirts after I got rid of half my wardrobe, I had too many clothes that I never wore, or that didn't fit me anymore. So, I got three tank tops yesterday. If you know me at allll, you know that I wear thank tops completely year round. Just through a cardigan over the top and you are good to go in the winter! (:

Well, it's time for me to retire from the keyboard this morning. I'm spending the day with my momma, that will be nice. (:

Take care my friends,

Peace, Love and French Fries -
Alexa M.

Dare I say

Dare I say that I miss you? Terribly..?

Fill in the blank Friday

1. My favorite thing about this week has been... Hmm.. Probably getting to know that boy I've been telling you all about.

2. The weather this week has been... SO hot. Yesterday it was up to 95º in Seattle.. that doesn't happen often!

3. The last (interesting) item I received in the mail was... I don't even know! I don't get letters that often /:

4. The last movie I saw was... I can't remember ): How pathetic is that!

5. If I could be doing anything I felt like today I would... be taking pictures with a camera other than the one I have. I hate that dinky point and shoot /:

6. As a teenager I was... Well, I have officially been an adult for almost a year now, so I can answer this one (: I was lost, scared and confused in life.

7. I wish I could trade lives for the day with... Oh jeeze this is a tough one! Maybe a professional photographer for National Geographic, then I could see if that's really what I want to do (:

Like a bird on a wire

I feel lost. Like I don't have control of my thoughts. If you have ever experience this, you know how scary it is. I feel like a bird on a wire, not knowing which direction to go, just swaying in the wind.. waiting for someone to come along and keep me company. I wish I was strong enough to fly into the big city, but alas, I am a small bird who can only stay on the wire in the suburbs. I want to be strong enough. I want to fly.



(Picture taken by me, © 2008 Alexa Marie Photography)

Today has turned out terribly

What started off as a wonderful day has slowly turned into a nightmare. I don't understand why I was burdened with anxiety, and when I say anxiety, I mean hardcore, makes you throw up, panic attack kind of anxiety. You remember the boy I was telling you about in my last post? Well him and I hung out today, and everything seemed to be going well. It was going well. Of course, though, my anxiety, over thinking, and head spinning kicked in and I ended up feeling like complete and total shit. I don't know what it is, I want someone in my life, I really, honestly, truly do. And I really like this boy, but every time I get close to someone, I stop myself. I have been hurt and played with more times than I would like to remember, and it isn't fair that because of my past I have to sacrifice my happiness. I don't know what is worse, not being able to get close to someone in any sort of way, or thinking about my past. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if I'm supposed to be lonely and frightened forever, or if I'm supposed to jump in head first, end up having panic attacks and throwing up and not having any fun. I just wish I was normal.

It may be unbelieveable..

I must post this somewhere, as for I am happier than can be. I have met a boy. A wonderful, awesome, too-good-to-be-true boy. He makes me smile, laugh, and I feel so comfortable talking to him. I am a smitten kitten right now, and I have a huge smile plastered on my face. I haven't been genuinely this happy in I don't even know how long. The days are passing so slow, Friday needs to hurry up and get here! (That's when I see him next!) It was completely by chance that we actually started hanging out, although we have known each other for a while. I couldn't possibly explain to you how happy I truly am because I don't even know how to explain it. All I do know, is I'm not going to screw things up this time. I always, always, always do. It would be the biggest mistake if I did this time.

My Summer To-Do List

Here are some of the things I want to do over this summer, and considering summer weather just started here in Seattle, I'm not late in the game (: hahah.

1. Go Camping
2. Make S'mores
3. Go to Pike Place (I don't go there enough!)
4. Go Bowling (with bumpers of course)
5. Read at least two books
6. Have a scary movie marathon
7. Go to a concert or a show
8. Convince my dad to let me get another cat (like that will ever happen)
9. Lose weight (even five pounds to start will suffice)
10. Cut my hair (eeeerrrr, layer it more)
11. Another tattoo perhaps?
12. Get people to buy my photography (I want to get my name out there!)
13. Make a Tie-Dyed shirt
14. Go to the Drive-In
15. Leave more Post Secrets in books (more than usual I mean :b

And last but not least,

By complete chance, not forced or tried, fall in love.

Hello There!

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Fourth yesterday!
and for those of you who aren't in the US (HI VICKY! :D)
well, I hope you guys had a fun Sunday! (:
haha.

I am currently hanging out with my mom and aunt,
they are packing up the house (my mom is moving soon)
and I'm itching for noon to come...
I'm hanging out with a cute boy today! (:

I haven't gotten much sleep the last few days,
just not sleeping well and not sleeping for very long. ):

Well anyways,
I hope you all have a great day! (:

Peace, Love and French Fries -
Alexa (:

My mommy and I

This is my mom. She is amazinnnng, and I don't know what I would do without her. She has gotten me through so many hard times, and I wish I could thank her with more than just words. She is a special momma, and I love her to pieces. I LOVE YOU MOMMY! (:

I just re-did

I just re-did my blog.. for the third time today >__<
haha hope you like it!

I saw a guy

The other day, I saw a guy who looked like Sid Vicious.
He too, was dead.

I feel so alone

In the end, it isn't going to matter who we dated, who we slept with, who we wanted to sleep with, or who we were kind-of-sort-of friends with. In the end, the only thing that will matter is who is right by your side. The person that was there through the thick and thin, the ups and downs, the black holes and the "endings" of the world. I can't help but wonder, though, what if you have no one? What if, not one person, who wasn't family or obligated to be there for you, has ever been there? What if, when the meteors crash and the black holes collapse, you are completely and totally alone? I have felt this way my entire life. That when the going gets tough, everyone splits and I'm left alone to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, mind, and soul. I can't help but think that I will feel like this forever. All I'm asking for is someone to care. Someone to share things with. I don't want to be fixed. I have never wanted to be fixed. I am not a broken doll that you can tinker with until I open my eyes and am magically fun to play with. It doesn't work that way, nor would I ever want it to. I am a human being, with faults and flaws, freckles and laugh lines. Take me as I am, because that's all I ever will be. I'm not going to change, I'm not going to be anything other than what I always have been. I am a human being, and I am seeking another human being to be more than a friend, because as of the last 19 years, I have felt so alone.