I like you.

You know what I like about you? The fact that you send me the music that you are listening to at the moment. I like the way you always have something sweet to say, or that you say "I don't know what to say" instead of bullshitting me. I like that you always pick me up when I'm down, give me literal reasons to smile, and never like to see me sad. I like that even thought we haven't seen each other in two years, it's like we just saw each other yesterday. I like that you don't even care when I sometimes say the wrong thing. I like that even though my past is complete shit, you don't see me for that, you see me for who I am now. I like that nothing will stop us from having an awesome conversation. I like that even though we both dated each others old best friends, we can still be really close friends. You know what I like about you? Pretty much everything.

My Year - 2010

Hey everyone! This is a post about all the big things that happened this year!

2010

January -

• Celebrated the New Year with my dad's girlfriend's daughter. We played Ouija Board!
• Reunited with a boy from elementary school

February -

• Started dating said boy from elementary school
• Celebrated Valentines Day for the first. time. ever. Well, first time with a boyfriend at least.
• Said boyfriend broke up with me.

March -

• Nothing really happened in March.. at least nothing that was super memorable!

April -

• Met a boy who was quite awesome at first...
• Got a job at Value Village
• I hung out with this new boy quite a lot this month

May -

• Quit my job at Value Village
• GOT MY FIRST TATTOO!
• Celebrated One Year with my family at Red Robin! 
• My Nana had a stroke
• Realized this boy was a total asshole, and literally told him to "get the ____ out of my house"

June -

• Started writing letters to my pen pal; Vicky
• Started my nanny job!

July -

• Went to the 19th Annual Boyce Family Campout!
• Continued to nanny these three really awesome kids!
• Made my first wearable sweatshirt! FROM SCRATCH! 

August -

• Made a shelf with hooks and a jar vase for my mom's birthday 
• Ended my nanny job
• BOUGHT MY FIRST DSLR! HELLO REBEL XS! An early birthday present to myself!
• Ghia, our cat, went into the kitty hospital for a week
• Celebrated my mom's 47th birthday

September -

• Celebrated my 19th birthday
• Started college classes
• Helped my kitty get healthy again
• Met another boy, who yet again, turned out to be an asshole

October -

• My blog turned THREE years old!
• The two year anniversary of my downfall
• Rekindled my friendship with my now BEST FRIEND, Ashley!

November -

• Started making all of my Christmas presents 
• Made my bother a Link blanket (YEEES Link from Zelda!)
• Celebrated my brother's 22nd birthday

December -

• Ended and PASSED my first quarter of college
• Celebrated my dad's 52nd birthday
• Gave all my homemade crafts for Christmas Presents
• Went to the annual Boyce Family Christmas Party 
• Celebrated Christmas 
• Got my second lens, a 75-300mm
• TO DO: Celebrate New Years tonight!

Never Let Go

A hug. A simple embrace, but something that means so much. I wish I could tell you the last time I had a hug that actually meant something, to the other person at least. I also wish that someone would hold me, and never let go. Well, figuratively speaking, of course. I guess that you could say this is an analogy for something so much bigger, and by saying that you would be right. I never wanted things to turn out the way they did. With myself, and with other people. Unfortunately that's how the dice rolled, and that's what I was left with. Making the best out of my situation is an option, I just don't know how to get there. I know that I can be happy, and that I can live without someone else in my life. The point is I don't want to. I just want to be married, I want to start my life with someone. That's what the analogy I was talking about, is about.

New Years Resolutions/Goals

 

 In no particular order, here are my New Years Goals:

1. Pass my classes again this quarter, so that I can graduate in March
2. Have an awesome person find me, and become my boyfriend
3. Take the next step towards getting my already-written book published
4. Start dressing the ways I want to
5. Get my SS Benefits
6. Go to garage sales this Spring and Summer (more than usual)
7. Move out
8. Take a road trip with my best friend, Ashley
9. Continue my "staying clean" from SI
10.  Continue on my path to mental and emotional well being

What are youuuur guys' new years resolutions? (:

hehehhhh

I was able to hang out with a cute boy tonight! (:
heheheheheeee.
Hopefully I"ll get to see him again sooon! (:

Heavy Hearts and Light Heads

Let's pretend that the world is ours, shall we? Let's pretend that we have no limits, nothing to hold us back, and no one to say that we can't do anything. That would be enough for me, but would it be enough for you? I am counting down the days until I can do whatever I want. It's not that I have anything physical holding me down, but rather something from an emotional standpoint. When my heart grows heavy, and my head feels light, that's when I know it's time to escape. I truly wish there was something I could do, anything, to get out of this prison my body is keeping me in. I want to reach for the stars, touch the clouds, and never come back down. Unfortunately that is not possible, for I cannot fly, nor do I have access to an airplane. There is something I miss about my past. When I was younger, about four years ago, I didn't care. I just didn't give a damn. I could do anything, be with anyone, and it didn't even matter. I didn't have a voice inside my head screaming at me, saying I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I didn't have a heavy heartbeat, or shaky limbs, slurred speech that made me seem as if I was drunk. That's what happens these days. My heart beats inside my chest, which I can feel in my throat, and it doesn't feel right. It isn't right. I cannot help to be this way, though many people feel as if I can just "snap out of it" at any time. That is simply not the case. I wish that it was enough for people to know that I try. It's enough for me. I feel like I make great strides whenever I step out the door, or into a large group of people. I wanted so badly for things to go right in my life, and I got the complete opposite. I got the short stick once again. So tell me, if we stood hand in hand to take on the world, would that be enough for you?

You'll never know

You'll never know

what we could be

unless you give it a try.

hahahahaha

Marry me? :D!

Friends

It's a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad feeling when someone you like says, "we're friends." Friends. What an awesomely awful word. I always seem to fall into that category. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, as they say. I don't know how much more I can handle of being stuck in the whole "oh yes, I care about you.. as a friend" situation. It's quite depressing to to think about it, actually. I've had three boyfriends in my entire life. My longest relationship has been a month. I've loved someone, but he never loved me back. AWESOME. I'm just getting the best out of life, aren't I? /sarcasm. I never wanted to date a million people. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to get married young. I've wanted to start a life. I've wanted to start a family. Yes, I may only be nineteen years old, but I know people younger than me and my age who have already gotten that far. It's not a race, I know that. But unless you've been in this situation, you have no idea how hard it is to watch your friends do the things in life that you feel you were born to do. That's how I feel. As if I was born to be a wife and a mother. I hate that I don't have the first. The second can wait a bit. I just want someone to love me back, to love me for who I am, to love me for what I have done, and what I can do. Someone who will be proud of me, and teach me new things. Someone who doesn't give a crap about my past, someone who doesn't care that I screw up a little sometimes. I don't know who that person is, but sometimes people say that your soul mate is always right under your nose. Maybe I'm screwing up right now by not realizing who that is.

Christmas Present Recap

What did youuuu guys all get for Christmas?
I got a bunch of handmade stuff from my Maey! I love it! (:
AND I got a 75-300mm lens! :D! I love it, too! (:

So! Fill me in, blogger buddies! What did you guys all get? (:

 

 MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Christmas Eve!

It's Christmas Eve! I'm so excited! Tonight we are heading to my dad's girlfriend's parents house, and seeing a bunch of her family, then tomorrow is CHRISTMAS! :D! I'm PUMPED! Then Sunday I am heading to my mom's, where we will do our Christmas together! :D! YAAAY!

I haven't really been in the Christmas mood this year, but I'm starting to feel it..

I don't know haha.

I have to decide what to wear tonight!

Merry Almost Christmas...

...from my cat. hahahahah. (:

My Nana

(Okay, before we begin, this was five days into camping... with ONE shower. SHUSH!)

My Nana is one of the strongest people I know. She suffered a stroke in April or May (the exact day is escaping me) and it was one of the biggest wake up calls for me. What if she hadn't of survived it? What if my hero, my Nana, had passed away? Sheesh, I'm crying just writing about it. Through everything I have been through, she has never once judged me about anything, and she has always been there with a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. My Nana is blind, she has retinitis pigmentosa. She has been blind for many, many years, thought she was not born blind. Although some people with handicaps let it rule them, instead of making the best of it, she has never let being blind stop her. She has traveled the world, rode on an elephant in India, and even crawled on her hands and knees with a cup while I screamed "LEFT.. RIGHT.. NOW LEFTTTT!" to try and catch a spider. She has super powers, I swear. One time I was getting Skittles out of this little machine thingy we had, and I was barely making anyyyy noise.. but then I hear Nana say, "Getting some Skittles, huh Alexa?" I was like "HOW DID YOU HEAR ME?!" (I was also about seven and was probably making a lot more noise than I thought I was!) My point of this post is, no matter what happens with life, death, and all the blips in between, she will always be my Nana.

(The word "blips" came from what my Nana said on the phone today.. she said "this is just a blip in my life...")

Really

I just want to leave.

Ohhh Dearrr

Well, I have decided to try and figure out what school I would like to go to. I haven't really decided if I even wantttt to go back to school. But, there's this school in Seattle that a friend of mine goes to, and they are having a portfolio day in January, where I can bring in my portfolio for my photography and have them review it! I could get some feedback and whatnot, and find out what I need to work on, and what I need to keep doing! I'm going to talk to my dad about taking me.. seeing as I don't drive.. but I'd also have to start working my butt off with getting my pictures printed at the store, and getting them into a nice, 8x10 portfolio. Sorry, I'll stop talking now! I just needed to get my thoughts out there!

Understand

Most people don't really understand me. It's funny how a simple statement can sum up a complex girl. It's quite true though, I don't even think anyone understands me, not even I can. Everyone is complex in their own ways, but when it comes down to it, there's always at least one person who shares that complexity. I do not have that. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my doctors.. I don't have anyone that I can share my complexity with. It's a sad thing to think about, I may have people surrounding me physically, but no one to surround me mentally. No one has an easy go at life, but to have struggled internally with your demons from the age of six, that's not something everyone has to deal with. Having people support you is a lovely thing, I know this from experience... but support is not knowledge. Just because you support someone, doesn't mean you understand them. There's a few people that have supported me, but no one that has understood me. I wish I could say that I understand myself, but unfortunately that's just not the case. I wanted to show people how far I have come, and in some ways I have been able to do that. For the most part, though, people still see me as a broken doll, one that they need to fix. I have said this a million times and I will say it a million more, I do not wish to be fixed. I do not need to be fixed. For only I can mend myself, and only I will know when that time has come. So please, don't waste your time trying to fix me. It will not work.

Christmas Party 2010!

 

Hannah and I (:

 

My Aunt Kathryn, Uncle Matt and My Mom!

My mom made that quilt by the way, no big deal :b

 Merce and I (:

 Sasha with her name ornament!

 Abby! She's adorable (:

 

My mom and I at her house in front of the tree! (:

THE CHRISTMAS PARTYYYY!

The Boyce Family Christmas party is TODAY! :D! Then Christmas is only one week away! GAH I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT! :D! hehhehehheeh! It's going to be different this year, I know, but I'm still excited to see everyone! (:!

I'll post pictures tomorrow probably!

HARRY POTTA!

I just got home from seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! :D!
It 'twas pretty good if I say so myself! (:
I'm late in seeing it,
but who caressss,
at least I saw it in theaters! :D!

I feel sick

I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I cannot stand this.
All I wanted was ONE hour.
and now it's not going to happen.

Screw this. Seriously.

Clean Slate

Through everything, through absolutely everything, I am beyond happy to say that we have moved past the.. well, past. All I have every said that I've wanted is for you to be happy. I hope you are happy. I don't need anyone, not a boy, a girl, a family member or a friend, but dammit, I want you anyway. This whole thing, our friendship, and everything else that's happened, has made me grow into a stronger person. Cliche? Yes. True? Also yes. I have cried over people before, and I have been mad, sad and every feeling in between because of people, but I have truly only had my heart broken once. I don't blame you for breaking my heart, it was a simple mix up of words, and I don't really need to explain it any further than that. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not holding anything against you. You have a clean slate in my book, and I hope that I have one in yours too.

800th Post

I wish you knew how you made me feel. I really wish I could tell you how I feel about you, without you freaking out, and I am very scared that you will freak out. For the longest time I was searching for someone. Someone just like you. For the longest time I was waiting for someone. Someone just like you. I was too stupid and blind to see that you were and are everything I've ever wanted. I feel like I'm falling when I'm with you, and although I have not been with you in over a year, I know that I will feel the same as I always have. We've known each other for five years. Can you believe that? I have always liked you, but for the second half of that length of time.. I have.. well.. I'll wait to say that when I feel the time is right. On here, I'm calm and collected, when in actuality, I'm jumping out my skin waiting to see you. I wish I could just hug you and never let get go, because you give the best hugs out of any human being that I have ever met. I truly hope that things go well between us when we see each other again, and that we can put the past behind us and sort of start over new. I know, you've given me eighty seven chances in the past, but I never deserved those other chances. I feel as if this time, I deserve chance. I feel as if something has changed, with me, with you, and between us. I hope to god I'm right about that.

All that you do

 

Listening to these songs has gotten me pumped up to see you. Imagine this, just a few months ago, I was talking about how you had forgotten me, how you would never want anything to do with me. Well you certainly proved me wrong. I hope to god everything works out today. I hope you can still meet up for coffee, I hope that we can still talk about everything that's happened in the last year. I hope that we can reminisce about old times, the wonderful memories that we share. Everything that you do, have done, and will do, has me on edge, waiting for what you will do next, and I mean that in the best way possible. I still, after all these years, get butterflies when I think about you, or talk to you. I might explode when I see you today. I hope you know that I have evolved, and from what I can see about you, you have as well. Let's hope this works out in our favor as friends.

I wanted you to know

 

I will probably end up saying this in person soon,  but I wanted you to know that I regret only one thing with you. And it's not the thing you would think it would be. I only regret the fact that I took you, as the caring, awesome, wonderful person you are, for granted. You were always there for me, and I was never there for you. I regret that so deeply. I feel as if maybe I hadn't had blinders on, I would have seen that you set me free. It was you that made me see the world as I see it today. I thank you for that. Although I have learned that I don't need anyone other than myself, I sure want you to be in my life. And that's the damn truth.

I'm excited, to say the least

Tomorrow I get to see an old friend.. a friend whom I have not seen in over a year. I am quite excited to talk about life and how things are going.. especially since I have good things to report! I cannot wait to see him, and receive one of his awesomely amazing hugs! (:

Rant

So I was browsing my dashboard on Tumblr today, and I notice someone posted a picture of self injury wounds. I found this to be very triggering,  but then I noticed her blog name. (I will not post the name of that blog, or anything that will link you to it.) I realized that he blog name had something to do with self harm, so I clicked it. (STUPID IDEA.) Anyways, it was a so called "support blog" for self injurers, yet this person posted PICTURES of scars, cuts, and razors. This upset me quite a bit, not just for myself, but for others who are looking for help, but end up finding a group of people who seem to be more about sucking people in to CONTINUE hurting themselves. That's what I perceived it as, at least. I don't understand it. I hurt myself for over six years, and I have been clean for over a year and a half. Now, I know for me, it's ridiculous to even think about looking at pictures of that kind of stuff. It's the most triggering thing in the world, aside from movies and tv shows talking about it and showing it. For instance, last night I was flipping channels and came across Intervention. Self harm was one of the issues this girl was dealing with, and of course the five seconds I see is her crying to her roommate about wanting to go buy razors. That put me in a weird mood all night. I'm not going to lie and say I never think about doing it, because anyone that has ever hurt themselves seriously (giving yourself a little scratch then saying "Oh god I just cut open my vein!" is freaking annoying) knows that it's something that never leaves your mind. It stays with you forever, just like your scars.

Who I want to be

 

It's something everybody wants in live. It's something that everybody longs for. To be the person that they have always wanted to be. For me, it's to be a non-anxiety ridden woman, to be able to go out, have fun, and not worry about a damn thing. You see all these people, on television and in real life, who just have the time of their lives every single day. Nothing holds them back, they have nothing to worry about. I want to be able to walk down the street, and when I pass someone not suck in air and think, "They think I'm too tall.. they think my outfit is stupid.. they don't like my hair.." and so on. Everyone tells me to just "get over it" or to "not think that way". REALLY? Do you honestly think if I could "snap out of it" that I would still think this way? Anyone that has ever said that to me is ignorant, and has no concept of what anxiety and social phobia can do to a person. I just want to not change my outfit eight times before I go out. I do that to make sure that not one person can find anything wrong with it. I want to wake up and not feel like it's a drag to get out of bed. I want to go to parties, enjoy my time being a young adult, and not worry about anything. Do you know that I have only been to three parties in my entire life? (Not counting birthday parties, I mean actual parties.) And every single time I have stepped foot into those parties, I feel out of place, I know I shouldn't be there. My anxiety has ruled my life for far too long. It's kept me from working, from friends, and even from family. I don't want to be this way. I want to be there person that I have always wanted to be. I want to be the girl that people remember, not as "Oh you're HER friend! What was your name again?" (Which has happened more times than I can count.) I want people to want to hang out with me, not feel obligated to, for whatever reason. I just don't know how to become this person. I don't know how to make things work for me. I don't know how to live.

(:

It's really something

when you listen to a million different songs by a million different artists, 

and they all remind you of the same person.

AHHH! YIIPPPEEE! WOOHOO!

TITANIC IS ON TV RIGHT NOW.

HAPPINESS - BEGIN!

T-Minus 6 Days

It's six days away! "What is six days away?" you are probably asking yourself right now.. well! Six days until the Boyce Family Christmas Party! WOOHOO! I'm so excited! It won't be the same since my cousin Haley will be in Mexico *insert shifty eyes* but we will have fun nonetheless. Every year we do this thing called the Kris Kringle Exchange, where we draw a name, and get a present for that one person. We are SUPPOSED to have a year to think about it, but most people forget until the month before. This year, I got the beeeest present EVER. It weight about eight gagillion pounds though, so that will be difficult. (Literally, it weighs about 35 pounds!) I will post what it is, withhhh pictures, after the person getting it opens it! I actually figured out what to wear, too! Which is always the biggest dilemma in going just about anywhere.. :b I was hoping to have a date this year.. hmmm. Guess not. Oh well.

I haven't really been in the "Christmas Mood" this year. I don't know, I guess it's because we don't have our tree up yet.. and I haven't seen my mom, or Nana at all. I ever wrapped all my presents and that's STILL not getting me pumped up! Something is seriously wrong!

Oh and those cookies I made are pretty much gone. Hehe. We have two left, my big guy and my dad's big guy. Perhaps we will eat them after we decorate the tree today!

Take care everyone!

I just can't get you off my mind
And why would i even try
Even when i close my eyes
I dream about you all the time

Cause i just always wanna have you right here by my side
The future's near but never certain
So please stay here for just a night
I must've done something right to deserve you in my life
I must've done something right along the way


-If the Moon Fell Down Tonight by Chase Coy

Not giving up

I've decided that I am not giving up on him. It has been so long since I've seen him, and we just started talking again, but I know how I'm feeling. He's got me wrapped around his finger.. and I'm loving every second of it.

What do you do?

What do you do when you are all out of options? I can't figure this out. I've always said "I just want you to be happy, and if your happiness doesn't include me, I'll just have to live with that." I know that's the right thing to say, and I know that's what I really want, for everyone that I've ever come across in life to be happy, but what if I get the short end of the stick, once again? I can't imagine my life without him.. I have lived it without him, and yes, I get by, but, as the lyrics in the song I'm listening to just said, "I'm better off with you than someone else.."

Almost

I can't believe it's almost 2011. It seems like we just had New Years 2010! This is crazy, this year went by super fast. There are three things that stand out to me that I did this year. I got my first tattoo, I started college to get my high school diploma, and I got my drivers permit. Yippeeee. I wish I had done more in this year's time, but I guess I have next year to do things as well. 

On a different note,

I'm stuck on what to do for my dad's birthday and Christmas presents. His birthday is on the 19th, so I need to hurry and figure that out! I have an idea, but I need something for it, and I can't find that something anywhere! And I refuse to buy it new because I'm just going to make it into something else anyways.

I've been a busy bee the last month or so, I decided to make everyone's Christmas presents! I'm about three quarters of the way done.. so let's hope I can finish in time!

Anywhoo,
The Annual  Boyce Family Christmas Party is NEXT Saturday! WOOHOO! And I figured out what to wear! YIPPEEE! It'll be nice to see all my family.. now if only I had a date.. /:

Well I hope you all are enjoying the season!

Take care everyone.

Christmas Cookies!

 Well here you go, folks! I said I would post pictures of my homemade sugar cookies and frosting (BOTH from scratch) I hope you enjoy the pictures!

 My frosting! (I added food coloring to make green, blue and pinky-red, then I had just the plain white!)

My dad's cooking on the left, and my mohawk cookie guy on the right!

Here are the cookies all decorated! They taste so good :D I might have to make some more..

D:

I hate how confused boys make me.
D:

Blown to Pieces

I often wonder about you. I wonder about what happened, I wonder how you are really doing, and I wonder how your life might have been different if our friendship wasn't blown to pieces. It took over a year for us to come back in each others lives, but I'm certainly glad that it was a year instead of never. I have yet to look you in the eye since all those things happened on that oddly cold day in August of last year, and I really would like to. I'd like to sit down with you, face to face, and talk to you about anything and everything. I enjoy talking to you, really, I do. I enjoy spending time with you, doing whatever we damn well please. I have some of the best memories with you, and I think back to those times and smile. Every single time I think about you, I get goosebumps. I don't know what to tell you, boy, but sometimes I think my feelings for you never ceased. Sometimes I think they are still the same they were so many years ago. I know, I get ahead of myself a lot of times, but this has always felt right to me. It just has always felt right.

I'm makinggg..

SUGAR COOKIES AND FROSTING FROM SCRATCH! :D!

I shall post a picture when they are all decorated (:

70th Follower!

Thank you Tiffany for being my 70th follower! :D
So, only 30 followers until my 100th,
and I'm STILL trying to think of ideas for a sweet giveaway when I reach 100!
(:

I miss him everyday

This is a picture (of me holding a picture) of my baby Sampson. He was literally the best cat you could ever ask for. He would always (seriously) lick my tears away when I started crying. He knew all of my deepest secrets, and had the most awesome cat-personality that any cat has ever had. I miss him like crazy. I still have his ashes, with his Super Samps collar around his urn. (I used to hold him with both arms stretched out like he was flying, and say "SUPER SAMPS TO THE RESCUE!") He always found a way to make me smile, because he always did the funniest things. I wish I could just snuggle with him like I used to when I felt sad. Here's to you, Samps, for all that you did, all the secrets you kept, and for being the best damn cat I could have ever asked for.

Sampson asleep with the remote.

Samps.. Sepia style!

 

A rare picture of Oscar (my mom's cat) on the left, and Sampson on the right.

Rest In Peace Sampson

Sitting here, not knowing how to convey how I feel, is starting to annoy me. As the popcorn pops in the microwave, I sit here wondering about my life, and the direction it's going. Well, more like the direction it has been going for the last few years. I don't have to say for myself, at all. I haven't graduated high school, I just got my permit for driving and I have yet to be in a relationship that has lasted longer than a month. All of those things were supposed to be accomplished (I feel like "accomplished" isn't the right word) three years ago. But there you go kids, nothing in life goes as you plan it. I'm still trying to figure out how to compute into words what is going through my head at the moment. It never seems to make it from my mind to my finger tips. I really just wanted things to go right, for once in my life. To not be plagued by my past, and hope that other people aren't effected by it either. Out of everything that has happened, the good, the bad and the ugly, I can honestly say I'm proud of myself for about two things. Those two shall remain nameless, but in nineteen years, only two things? That's saddening to me. It saddening because everyone has things that they have accomplished, that they have overcome. Even people younger than me have done so. Yet I'm still sitting here, trying to convey my thoughts, and it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. Now that I have written myself to tears, I wonder if this will reach out to anyone. I wonder if anyone will read this and think, "Thank god I'm not alone in this." I never had that. Throughout the toughest times in my life, I never had anyone to tell me they were going through the same thing. They always just told me "It will get better." I can't believe someone that says that if they have never been through what I have. So don't waste your breath telling me things will get better, because I won't listen to a word you say. I've waited more than three quarters of my life for things to "look up" and they haven't. In all honesty, I think things got worse. Granted, the last year or so has leveled that out a bit, but my demise as a human being is not something that I look at as being "an okay way to live." Yes, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but that's not what living is about. Physically, yes, but not mentally. And mentally, I have yet to live.

Dreams

I really hate it when  you have a dream, and it's exactly how you want your life to be, that when you wake up and realize that it was a dream, you get truly upset.

Wow.

What is wrong with me?

I just need to keep telling myself that..

:D :D :D YIIIPPPEEE!

I GOT MY PERMIT TODAY! :D!
hahahah shush, over three years late is better than never, right? :b

One of those days

Today is one of those days. The kind of day when you want to throw your hands up and say, "That's it. I'm done." I don't like feeling like this. I thought I was done feeling like this. It's quite an amazingly awful feeling, feeling like you get hit with a ton of bricks. The worst thing about it? I don't even know why. I have a giant knot in my stomach and it's making me feel like I'm going to throw up. I guess we all have these kinds of days. I'm getting severely upset with the world, though. I'm sick of giving my best to people, and having them not give it in return. Then, on the other hand, when I hold back and don't give my all, they walk away.Where's the middle ground? I've tried just about everything to try to make friends, keep friends, and it never seems to work. I can count my true friends on one hand. Actually, I can count ALL my friends on one hand. Then, of course, there's the "love" issue. I've had more crap go on in my love life in my lifetime then most people have in by the time they time. And I'm really, honestly not over exaggerating about that. I really can't handle anything else to go wrong. Since I was six years old my world has been turned upside down over, and over again. It never seems to stop. As soon as things start going well, it all gets twisted and skewed, and what I end up with is a million pieces of how I was hoping my life would be. I also hate the feeling of being replaced. Especially when you know it's happening, and it's not just a speculation. Throughout my life, I have honest to god never, not once, been someone's first choice. Especially with relationships. It's like, I start liking someone, then they're like "yeahh, we can't date now, but how about in three months?" Screw that. I'm not waiting for anyone, ESPECIALLY when that happens, and I find someone else, and then the person gets mad at me? ALRIGHT. I'm not just going to settle for someone who doesn't want me. As much as I hate being single, and just want to get this whole shabang on the move, I'll stay single until I find someone who actually loves me.

(A song came on my iPod while writing this, and part of the song goes, "Times like these I want to quit, then I close my eyes, I see your face..."

Support

I have been feeling quite inspired lately to take more photographs. Although my favorite subject is macro nature, I've been wanting to venture into more portrait photography. This would be fine and dandy, except for one thing. Hardly any friends = Hardly any models. Another thing, people, mostly my family, don't seem to understand how important photography is to me. It's been my passion for four years, and I literally lose all anxiety when I have a camera in my hand. For instance, my mom and I went to the Evergreen State Fair last year. I saw a really awesome car that i wanted to take pictures of.. so, what did I do? I grabbed my camera and walked right into the crowd. Something I absolutely cannot do when I'm not taking pictures. That seems kind of weird, doesn't it? That I can do things with a camera that I can't when I don't have one. I can't explain it, but it's working out for me, so I'm not complaining.

I have never loved anything more than I love photography. I love all the things you can do with it, and how you can make pictures totally unique just by using your eye. Although I haven't had my DSLR for more than a few months, which I bought myself by the way, I knew how to work my dinky point and shoot. That's what being a "photographer" is all about, isn't it? To use what you have, but know how to use what you don't have. Here's the thing. Right now all I have is my 18-55mm lens. I want the 75-300mm lens, also, so that I can expand my range. I have no problem buying it for myself, so don't think I'm greedy or anything like that, but I don't have any money. I politely ask my dad about getting as a Christmas present, and he scoffs and says, "No, I'm not getting you that," like I just asked for a fifty thousand dollar car. Not a lens, that is currently half price at Staples.

I guess I just don't understand why my family, mostly, won't  support me with what I'm doing with my life. Why they don't support me with the one thing that keeps me going in life. I have a camera around my neck at all times, I have my eye up to the viewfinder whenever possible, and I have my finger on the shutter button when it's time to capture a moment. How come nobody understands that this is what I want for the rest of my life? I'm not just a little kid here, who's interest is going to fade out within a month. I have spent the last four years devoting my life to getting my photography business running, but no one seems to be supportive of that.

Put one foot in front of the otherrr

And soon you'll be walkin' cross the floooor!
Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walkin' out the door!


:D
I FOUND MY FROSTY AND FRIENDS CHRISTMAS CD.
I'M PROBABLY  MORE EXCITED THAN I SHOULD BE :D

Photography (:

Hello all! I'm selling my photography prints, just in time for Christmas! If you are looking to get someone a nice print for the holidays, all you have to do is fill out this form, and let me know what you want! My photography site is here so you can see all of my work! Right now I'm only accepting pay-pal, cash (if you live near me) or personal checks, and if you do pay by check, I will send out your print as soon as the check clears! These prints come with or without frames, black frames are included in the price for a print, but if you want a different colored frame please add two dollars ($2) to the following prices:

4x6 - $8
5x7 -$12*
8x10 -$16*


*NOTE: Due to a computer crash and a loss of some original files, some prints may only be able to be purchased in a 4x6 size. (I apologize about this and I am working on getting these original files back.)

 I'm really pumped up about getting my work out there! So pleaseee, if you are at a loss for what to give as a present this holiday season, consider my photography!

All prints will be professionally printed at a store, so none of that "I printed it on 'nice' photo paper on my home printer" crap! (:

If you have trouble filling out the form (I had a bit of a hard time figuring it out! D:) just email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com with the questions from the order form! (:

Thanks for reading this and have a great day!

Anxiety sucks.

So today was our final day of watercolor class. We did our critiques today. We had one Chinese style copy (just redo someone else's work) and then an original... and everything was going well.. until I didn't get called. I was called LAST. Now, the way our critiques work, is one person starts  by calling on someone's work that they like, then the person that got called calls on someone else's work, and so on. Well yeah. I got called last. Now, if it isn't bad enough with my social phobia to have to put my work up there, no one even liked mine. My work was pretty much forced upon by being called, considering it was the last one.

Needless to say, I turned very red when people were critiquing my work.. or should I say, telling the class they liked the copy but not my original work, and I got so anxious that I couldn't see straight. Like you know when your eyes start watering a bit, and you can't see anything because it's all  blurry? That's what happened, but my eyes were totally dry.

Awesome way to finish off my class. 

Messy, Messy, Messy!

Happy December! It's a foggy day here in Seattle, but I'm really excited! Not about the fog, but because today is December, which means that Christmas is almost here! Plus my last class of the quarter is tomorrow, and then I have a month off! I've been a bit sick these last few days, but I'm not letting that stop me from crafting away and decorating for the holidays! Oh! I bet you're all wondering about the title of this post? Well, in Frosty the Snowman - the cartoon from the sixties, which has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday movie, Professor Hinkle (the magician) always says "messy, messy, messy" and "busy, busy, busy" throughout the film. So, "messy, messy, messy!" has always been my favorite line, the way he says it just makes me giggle! Well, I'm off to finish my watercolor and poli sci finals! Wish me luck today and tomorrow!

Well then.

 

I was browsing through my dashboard on blogger this morning, and I could help but notice something. Two of my blogger friends announced they were now engaged, one of them announced the name of their baby in their tummy, and the other one said that she just found out she was pregnant. Now, do not get me wrong here, I am SO excited for my blogger friends! How exciting is all that news? The only thing that's got me down, is my loneliness. Also, I'm getting extremely sick of people telling me, "Oh you're so young! Give it time.. You'll find someone one day!" Really? Because I'm nineteen and you're twenty. So don't tell me that I'll find someone someday, when you've found the love of your life already, and you're only a year older than me. Another thing, what's with the onlyyy people telling me these things, are the ones in long term relationships? Also, don't think that I'm rushing out to get pregnant by the next guy that walks down the street. That's NOT what I'm talking about. I haven't even decided when I want kids, I know for sure I want them, but I just don't know exactly when. It will be after I'm married definitely, though. I just want there to be some kind of sign, that I'm not destined to be apart of failed relationships my entire life. And so far, that's what they've been. I've never been the girl that people want. I have never been "popular" or picked first in gym class, or been any one's first choice. Never. I guess that's what's has me all depressed right now. No body wants to take the time to learn about me, or get to know me. They just want to take me for a spin, and leave me in the dirt. I just want to know that there are decent people out there. I want a sign, to tell me that I will not be here, alone, forever.

Dear Clothing Companies:

If you are going to make extra small tops, why can't you make extra large tops? There are some people out there who have large chests, and they can never find clothes that fit them.

Thank you,
Alexa

CupKay's Giveaway! (It's rhymes! How cute :D!)

Hey everyone! You guys should all go check out CupKay's Holiday Giveaway! The little Christmas pouches are so cute! And guess what, you could win them! :D!

So check it out, guys! :D

Present Exchange?

Hey everyone! This is the last call for the homemade present exchange! :D If you would like to swap a simple, hand-crafted present with me for the holiday's, let me know! Just leave a comment here, or email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com (:

Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, I still think it would be a fun way to connect my blogger friends with myself! (: All you have to do is send me your mailing address, and I will send mine back to you! (Email that to me, I don't want stalkers on here to come to your guys' houses!) and then whenever you are ready to swap the presents, let me know, and we will put them in the mail on the same day! (: Even if you don't think you're that creative, I still think it would be super awesome to get some handmade things from you guys! (:

Let me know, guys! I'm already doing this with my blogger friend Leslie, and I want to include the rest of you too! :D 

I'm really excited about this, as you can tell! haha

It's becoming very clear

that I will never be anyone's first choice.

Link Blanket :D

Sorry for the late post about my brother's birthday present! This picture was just of Link, before he was added to the dark green fleece (: Here you go guys!

Time for a long post

I've had a lot of my mind lately, but unfortunately it just won't compute into words. I've been thinking about life, love, family, friends, and everything that correlates into those things. I get into those modes, when I think about everything way too much, and thankfully they don't happen too often. I know that I over think every situation, but it's starting to get very old. I wish that I was able to put into words how I'm feeling, so I guess I will try...

 

I feel as if I am hiding behind something. Call it a mask, call it whatever you'd like, but I feel as if I'm being hidden from the world, even when I don't want to be. My heart aches for acceptance, and I know as long as these disorders captivate my mind, it will never come. My Social Phobia seemed to be getting under control, but then, out of nowhere, a new symptom popped up. I get itchy. Red and bumpy, and I feel like I have the chickenpox. Crazy, right? On top of my eyes not being able to focus when I get anxious, the racing heartbeat, weak legs, and all the other things that go along with anxiety and panic attacks, I now get itchy. I wish that I could break free of my anxiety, I wish I could just "snap out of it." That's really not an option though. I must live with it, continue taking medication, or try and get over it. I'm choosing all three, but I refuse to live with gut wrenching anxiety while taking medication for the rest of my life. You could say that I'm living the life of a very sheltered girl, and you'd be right. I am me though. A anxiety, and other disorder, ridden nineteen year old who refuses to give up.Now, I'm not going to be running for Miss America anytime soon, but I will combat my anxiety to the point where it's actually fun to be social, because as the last four years, it hasn't been.

Life has always given me the short end of the stick. I grew up in fear, I grew up with my innocence stolen from me. A lot of people say innocence is a choice, that you can only let it be taken from you if you let it. Honestly, I don't believe that one bit. I'm not going to get into my beliefs, but just know that I don't buy that. I'm a complicated girl, and I always have been. People don't want to get involved with a complicated person, and I understand that to a point. There's always layers to people. Their exterior, they show what they want people to see. Then they have the middle, which are all the things people try to hide from the world. Then there's the core, which is what a person is really like. Unfortunately, you must climb over two layers to get to the core. In my situation, everyone, and I mean everyone, stops at the middle layer. They find out one thing they don't like and they are out that door. But here's something that may come as a shock to you. My past is not who I am right now. Yeah, I've been through a lot of stuff that has really, really screwed me up in the past, but now... now I've learned from those things. They have taught me to be stronger, have more will power, and to not take anyone's crap. I just want someone to take that leap over the middle layer into my core, I want someone to chase me into love.

I always have these great ideas, but no one to share them with. I have my best friend, and my mom, and a few other friends along the way. I think more of all, though, I have my journal and blog. They are the ones that I always am able to share my ideas with. My dreams, my hopes, and my goals. For now, I guess that will have to be good enough.

You can't fire me.. I quit!

What's the matter with misfits? 

That's where we fit in! 

These Tears

These tears, falling from my face, I know where they come from. They could only possibly come from one place, and I'm starting to get very sick of crying over this stupid subject. It's terrible, to say that you've never felt love from someone in a romantic way. That all the people that you've felt strong feelings for, whether it be love or something less, have never felt that way back. All I said when I was growing up, my only dream, my only goal, was to get married and have kids. That's all I wanted. That's all I still want. For some reason, though, I have this distinct feeling that it's not going to happen. I just want someone to hang out with, be stupid with, sing at the top of my lungs badly with. Someone to care about the little things, the weird things. The things that make me awkward. I don't want things to stay the way they are. I just want to be who I want to be.

"Tell me it’s all right,
Just for one night.
Show you how to feel like,
What it feels like.
To be hugged, to be kissed.
Be thought of and to be missed.
I can be that part of you,
Let me be that part of you."

Let's take this world by the neck,

and each other by the heart.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all you out there! And as I posted on Facebook, if you aren't in the states, Happy Thursday! Haha. :D We're still trying to figure out plans, considering that it's snowing.. agaiiiin, and the roads aren't that clear so we don't know if we want to venture into the almost two hour drive to my Uncle's house. Hmmmm. It will be a good Thanksgiving anyways, we have a turkey here if all else fails (: I'm in charge of mashed potatoes this year.. WOOHOO! Haha I love making potatoes and I think they turn out great when I use whipping cream.. and guess what! I HAVE WHIPPING CREAM! hahahah (: I'm so grateful for my friends, and all my blogger friends as well! You guys have all supported me, and listened to my rants, and have cared about what I have to say (: Thank you all! Anywaaays, I hope you all have a wonderful day, whether you are celebrating Thanksgiving or not (:

It's Time We Leave This Place

As the pictures fade, and the memories remain, I think it's time we leave this place. I've waited to pack my bags for quite some time. We'll take the memories, and the pictures too, but our footprints need to be placed somewhere else. Every time I think about staying here, in this town, in this state, I cringe. I was not prepared to stay here for this long, nineteen years is too long. I wish that I could just get up and catch the next train out of here, but unfortunately that's just not an option. I'm tired of waiting, constantly debating, how to get out of here. Maybe one day, but sadly, for now, I stay.

Seriously?

I'm done with my stupid family being assholes.
I'm extremely pissed off right now,
and I feel like either punching a wall or killing someone.
Let's go with the first.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!

Happy Birthday to my big brother, Nick. He's turning 22 today!
I made him a Link (from Zelda) blanket for his birthday.. it turned out pretty darn awesome if I do say so myself :D

A serious case of the Giggles

You can tell me things are different from last time to this time, and I will probably believe you. I have a huge crush on you, and I feel so stupid about it. We haven't seen each other in three years, and the last time we did see each other, things ended on a pretty awkward note. I understand why I have this crush again, but it's still perplexing. I get a serious case of the Giggles whenever I talk to you. Butterflies race around my stomach and I think, "I just want to see his cute face." What is wrong with me? I guess I just wish you would have a crush on me back.. but that won't ever happen, I can guarantee that. You're pretty much the only boy that was actually careful with my heart, when everyone else just stomped all over it. Although things were a bit awkward with us back then, and even if they still are, couldn't we be awkwardly cute together? Oh god.. I'm getting ahead of myself. Why do I always do this.. I tend to be a massive screw up. And for that, I apologize.

Thinking about...

I'm thinking about Christmas, and how much I can't wait until it comes! :D haha. I've been in such a holiday mood lately, and with the snow yesterday (and it's remnants today) and my mom having her tree up, I just can't wait!

:D
What are you guy's looking forward to this holiday season? (:

SNOW!

IT'S SNOWINGGG! 

Well, it's been snowing since yesterday haha, but I'm super excited! I love the snow, but not when it piles up like craaazy. I just hope it clears out by Wednesday evening, I have to take the ferry over to my mom's house for my brother's birthday annnd Thanksgiving, and if this snow keeps coming, I won't be able to go! 

Anyways! I'm really starting to look forward to the holidays! I love love love everything about Christmas, ESPECIALLY the music, which will start on Friday! :D!

YIPPIEEEE!

The Last Song

My cousin Megan and I just watched "The Last Song," and I must say, I haven't been that depressed about my "love situation" in a looong time. As we were watching it, I said "I'M SO FRUSTRATED I JUST WANT TO BLOG ABOUT IT" hahahaha. Yeahhhh.. I wish everything was falling into place by now... D:

Let's just say

I'm completely sick and tired of my family's crap. Just down right SICK of it.

Oh my goodness! :D

It's so amazingly awesome how nice my blogger friends are! :D I just received a package from Kaycee!
A while back, as you all know from reading my blog, I was going through a tough time. Kaycee took her time to put together a wonderful little jar of quotes and lyrics, that I pick out everyday! (:

I've decided what I'm thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for friends, that I know in real life, or over the cables of the internet, because even though I may not have that many, the ones I do have are worth a million bucks. (:

Crafter Gift Exchange? :D

So my blogger friend Leslie and I are doing a holiday crafter gift exchange! I couldn't be more excited! What I'm wondering issss.. Would anyone else like to do a homemade craft gift exchange? (: All you would have to do is make a gift, of anything you want, and send it to me. I will send you a homemade present as well! Sounds fun, huh? :D

So here's the "rules" (well more like guidelines):
- There is absolutely no need to spend a bunch of money on craft supplies.
- Make whatever you'd like!
- Email me at portlandpaparazi@yahoo.com if you would like to take part in this.

I'm super excited about this!
I'm in the mood to be crafty, so I figured I should put that to good use! haha.

:D

Take Flight

I sit here not really sure of what to say. I type something out, then hold down the "backspace" key so it all disappears faster than it was written. I have spoken of getting away many times before. Just packing my bags and getting the hell out of this town. I never seem to have the courage to do so. I see other people living their lives to the fullest, as cliche as that sounds. They may have their ups and downs, but they always seem to have fun. They have their friends, their good times, and the pictures to prove it. I feel as if I am a bird who just can't seem to get out of the nest. I know it's time to take flight, to spread my wings. What happens, though, when every single time you've tried to do that, you come crashing to the ground? I've worked so damn hard to get to where I am, and I don't want to chance falling, yet again. You can tell me everything that's worked for you, or what your parents told you, or what your great aunt twice removed once said. Truth be told, though, I can bet you that none of those things will work for me. I don't know how to live my life. I never have. It's scary to think, that I'm nineteen years old, and I have nothing in line for the future. I say "in line" because every time I plan the future, it goes horribly wrong. So I sit here, a year into being an adult, and I have worked my ass off to become stable, and now that I am, I don't know where to go. I don't even know where I want to go. I feel like nothing will ever be the way I've hoped. That may be sad, but I'll keep going. I'll try to take flight, I'll try to spread my wings, and I may fall.. I may fall a hundred more times before I get to soaring, but I will do it. Watch me. Watch me prove you all, and myself, wrong.

Crafting Away

I'm in the mood to be crafty.. but then again, in the last few weeks, when have I NOT been in the mood to be crafty? I love making things, I always have, ever since I was little. I remember this one time when I was about eight or so, I made a computer out of a triangle shaped box. It was the coolest thing! Though now I'm on to more.. shall we say, "mature" crafts (mature still doesn't sound right!) What's awesome is I have my best friend Ashley as my crafting buddy! Next time we hang out we are making cupcakes! But not just any ol' cupcakes...! I love being creative, although sometimes it frustrates me when things don't come out the way that I want them to. But that's half the fun of being a crafter. Usually things don't come out the way they're "supposed" to, or how the picture looked on the tute, but who cares! That's what makes it unique. Now, any of you crafters know of any good craft blogs here on blogger? I'm looking for ones I can follow! Thanks for any suggestions!