25 Things I Would Like to Tell My Future Children - and All of You, too.

1. Don't hear the phrase "nothing lasts forever" in a negative tone. While it's true nothing lasts forever, it's because so many things in life change and grow.
2. Trust the universe.
3. Every interaction you will ever have with people will have at least two mutual voices. Listen to what others  have to say, and realize you may not always be right.
4. Learn to stand up for yourself before you get into a situation where you're forced to.
5. If someone doesn't want to be with you, either as a friend or a partner, DEAL WITH IT! It is not a negative reflection on who you are as a person, it means they don't believe you are compatible, and it is not your place to try to convince them you are.
6. Have a work ethic and prove to yourself that you can do any job handed to you.
7. Believe in Karma, not material recognition.
8. Do not judge others on how they live their lives or how they treat themselves. Extend a helping hand, never point a finger.
9. Trust your gut. Trust your instinct. Trust your intuition.
10. Never doubt your ability to try. You will not be an expert in every thing you do, but if you don't try, you will never find the things that you are an expert at.
11. Hold on to memories you truly cherish. Don't listen to anyone that may call them silly.
12. Your preferences are your preferences. Not anyone else's.
13. Have a nice, hot breakfast with your family every Saturday or Sunday morning. If you are by yourself, make a nice, hot breakfast for yourself. Pull out the fancy table cloth, if you'd like.
14. Music is the gateway to an amazing form of art. Never stop searching for new sounds.
15. Eating ice cream out of the carton is perfectly acceptable if you don't slobber all over the spoon. (No one will find out if it's in the middle of the night)
16. There is not a single excuse as to why you would ever to need to drink and drive. There is always an alternative way.
17. The only way to get into adulthood is to have suffered a broken heart. It will happen, and yes, you will get through it.
18. Take a walk when you're feeling angry or sad. Let the air lift everything away from you. Breathe.
19. You should always have respect for everyone and everything. Don't ever forget that.
20. You will never finish growing. Your heart, your mind and your soul will grow until the day you leave Earth.
21. Holding on to past feelings is pretty much just fertilizer for a bad head space.
22. Don't let yourself suffer. Take action.
23. There is a difference between taking pride in yourself and having an inflated ego.
24. When people give you advice, listen wisely. Just because you may not be able to apply it to current situations, doesn't mean you will never need it.
25. Observe the world around you. You never know when things will disappear.

I figured I should post this...

My Engagement Ring

I figured after my post last night, I should share a picture of my ring :) Pictures don't even come close to describing how beautiful it is. It looks very vintage, with a circle center stone and a halo cut ring of smaller diamonds around it, with two diamonds on the sides. I'm such a lucky girl for so many reasons :3!

The answer has always been there, it just took so long for me to see it

I cannot blame myself for the mistakes I made in the past.

I need to let go of the self guilt for being naive.

The way I was treated by some, was wrong.

But I didn't know any better, and once I did know better,

I took the necessary steps to take care of myself.

The way I treated myself, was wrong.

But I'm learning the right ways to love myself.

The decisions I made that let to horrible consequences, were wrong.

But that doesn't make me wrong for making them.

Once I saw how those consequences effected me and those around me,

I stopped making those decisions. 

2013

Well, here it is once again. I am continuing my (sort of) tradition of writing essentially a reflection of the nearly finished year. Well.. here we go.

2013 has been quite the year for me. Usually when I say words along those lines, there is a negative connotation behind it. This year, not a single bit. This year has, without a doubt, been the most exhilarating year I think I have ever experienced. So much has happened, so many lessons have been learned, so many goals have been achieved... 

In January, just a few days into the near year, I gave my boyfriend a small pill container that held five or so blades. I have not self injured since that day. I am almost back at one year clean, and although I am still slightly saddened that I slipped up after three years, I am so proud of myself for making the commitment to stop. 

I moved in at my boyfriend's house, and we are in the process of looking for our own place before March of 2014. Moving in with my boyfriend's family was an amazing step, it not only brought me and my boyfriend closer, but it brought me and his family closer as well. On top of that, mine and my dad's relationship evened out with a considerable change. We started getting along (for the most part) for the first time in my life. My mom and I are still working things out, but it is slowly getting better.

I strengthened a lot of good friendships this year. My two closest friends have proven to me so much this year that they are amazing people. I have also weeded out 'bad' friends, and taken more steps to become closer to those that I wanted to be friends with. My brother and I have become closer this year. We talk on a normal basis, give each other hugs when we see each other, make plans to hang out - he even came over to my side of the water (that's an hour bus and an hour long ferry for him) to celebrate my birthday with me. I also become closer with a lot of my extended family. Although I have always been close with my cousins, I began to see a side of a few of my cousins that I have never seen before. They started opening up to me more and more.

In May, I got my first job in nearly three years. I worked as a replenishment associate (aka, I was an after hours stocking and cleaning elf) at Michaels craft store. Within a week of getting my job, I got my license. I was so hesitant to get my license for five years because I was terrified of driving, but my oh so patient boyfriend helped me outside of my comfort zone. I then got a car, my turquoise go-go-mobile fully equipped with Yoshi and Koopa plushies, oh, and Togepi too! 

My boyfriend was able to come to my family's annual Campout with me, where he blended in so perfectly and I got the 500% approval rating from my family that he was a really great guy. (Which I of course already knew!)

I turned 22 this year! Oh goodness, where does time go? I remember starting this blog shortly after I had turned 16... what a lifetime ago that was. Twenty two hasn't held too many big things for me yet, other than the onset of "ohmygodwhatamIdoingwithmylife"-itus.

I continued my replenishment job through the week of my birthday, and then I switched to a cashier position! I'm still working at Michaels, and I have met some of the most awesome people that I luckily get to work with on an almost daily basis. I never would have thought that I would be able to come out of my shell working with the public. My anxiety still indeed does act up, but I am able to keep myself level so much more. With the help of my job, I am now able to hold, carry, and speak for myself as a human being. Something I had not been able to do before that. I was even the opening cashier on Black Friday...!

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated one year of being together. Shortly before our anniversary, though, I got the best present in the world. WE GOT ENGAGED! I have never had so many insta-tears while a giant smile broke through! Being in love like this is something I've never experienced before. We have yet to set a date for the wedding, but that will come soon after moving out. I am so excited to spend my life with my favorite person in the world!

It may not seem like a whole lot has happened for me this year, seeing as the normal drama bombs were no where to be found (thank goodness!), but honestly this year was such a magnificent achievement for me. I have never been so proud of myself.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy New Year.

-Alexa Marie

Years and Years

One day, years and years from now,
I would love to have someone find my writing,
either through random searches on the internet,
or digging through a box found and a local flea market,
or something of the sort.
I would love for them to pick up the page, or the notebook,
or lean into the screen a little bit farther,
and absorb every word they see.
To see only my messy handwriting and sloppy signature,
but know that someone understands.
I would love for someone to find peace and contentment in knowing
that someone, at some time, felt exactly as they feel.
One day, years and years from now,
I would love to help someone not feel alone.

My Apologies

I apologize for my poison,

I tried to warn you of it's effects,

it strangles you strongly from the inside

until your mind forgets to reject.

I apologize for my words,

I try to keep them inside,

but their weight is just too heavy

and their stableness declines.

I apologize for my anger,

I never wanted to see red,

now my eyesight's fading black,

from the inside of my head.

I apologize for my tears,

I try to cry only when I need,

but sometimes they slip out -

even sadness needs to be freed.

Dearest Darkness

Dearest Darkness,
why must you play such tricks?
Why must you boil my blood
and cause my veins to itch?
Dearest Darkness,
what have I done?
I surely don't deserve this
and if I do, then I am stunned.
Dearest Darkness,
how much longer must this last?
I thought we called a truce
and decided to leave this in the past.
Dearest Darkness,
where will my head go next?
This lack of light is breaking me
I am positively perplexed.
Dearest Darkness,
please go now, and let me be
the light is fading so quickly..
it's getting difficult to see.

The first step of many

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.
Boys who left too soon,
boys who never cared,
boys who were more interested in anything other than me.
I've twisted my hate for them in more ways than I can count,
thinking over and over -
they didn't deserve what they got,
and they never got what they deserved.
But what difference would that make?
I can't go back in time and take his hand out of my underwear.
I can't change the words I said to them,
nor the words they said to me.
I can't change the feelings I thought I once had.
What I can change, though,
is the blame.
There is always going to be regret
for not just listening to, but believing lies;
for not standing up for myself;
and for having the "but it's going to be different than last time" mindset;
Though I am no longer shaming myself for trying to find solace.
The routes I took to find that solace were misguided and wrong -
and in hindsight, I see that.
But at the time, I swear, all I wanted was to be wanted, needed and cared for.
It came out as only needing to be told my tits looked great.
I may have made some bad judgments,
I may have made some bad decisions,
I may have made some bad friends.
But that doesn't make me, nor has it ever made me,
a bad person.
I am forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am forgiving myself for the way I have treated myself for those mistakes.
I am forgiving the men who were also misguided.
My Karma came through for me -
I'm letting their Karma take all my past hatred.

I'll shed you away one last time.

I realized I could recall your ghostly silhouette,

lightened by your television,

at four o'clock in the morning -

as you continued puking from the binge the night before.

I realized I could remember the smell of your cigarettes,

the ones you tried to make me smoke with you,

on your back porch 

in the pouring rain.

I realized I could recall the weight of your hand,

as your pressed it farther up my thigh

as you whispered -

"Shh, just friends."

I realized I could remember your laugh,

but now recalling that the nervousness in your tone

was from fear of being caught.

I remember all of these things,

much more vividly than I remember anything else about you.

I don't remember your birthday.

I don't remember the feeling of your lips.

I don't remember the color of your eyes.

I don't remember the color of your sheets.

I don't even remember the butterflies you once gave me.

Darling, please

Darling, please, do not cry,
take my sleeve and dry your eyes.
I love you dearly, that is no surprise,
I'm doing my best, all I can do is try.

Darling, please, do not yell and shout,
I understand what your feelings are about.
I love you dearly, please never have a doubt,
all I wish is for my words to count.

Darling, please, do not let go -
there is so much time for you to grow.
I love you dearly, I just wanted you to know..

Ramble Writing 1

I want to tell you that no one will ever love you like I love you,
but that implies that you could possibly be unlovable at some point,
and that's not what I mean to say at all.
What I mean to say is that there is not a human being on this Earth
who could possibly have the same amount of love for you as I do,
because the amount of love I have for you couldn't be contained in all the galaxies combined.
Not a single person will ever come close to loving you in the way that I love you,
because I am fully convinced that I love you more than anyone has loved anything before.
I love you more than I can even put into proper words.
And that itself should say something.

The Art of Hope

I just want to reveal in knowing that something I believe in matters,
but it seems each component can be so easily scattered.
Even so, I hold on to every little thought I have believed,
unless, of course, there was evil inside when it was conceived.

Today Is Your Birthday

Today is your birthday,
and I do not wish to give you an object,
I do not wish to give you an item.
I wish, instead, to give you a gift,
one that could never be unwrapped,
but one that sits deep in your heart,
pulsing it's way through your body.
I wish to give you a present,
one so rare and hardly ever found,
that scholars from around the universe
will marvel at your discovery.
I wish to you give you a gift,
one that could never be held,
but one that you hold dear,
making you smile from head to toe.
I wish to give you a present,
one so beautiful and magnificent,
it will sparkle inside of you
for years to come.
Today is your birthday,
and I wish to give you the gift of love.
The gift of peace.
The gift of self-worth.
The gift of life.
Today is your birthday,
and you deserve to shine
like the diamond that you are.

My Changes

Last night, I wrote out a list of the things I felt I needed to start working on or continue working on. Well, it turned into more of a list of how I feel I should live my life (of sorts) and I really like how it came out. This is my list:

• Take better care of myself
• Take the time to take care of myself
• Try to feel presentable rather than over think judgement
• Keep my nails trimmed, cleaned and polished (even with clear, just to protect them)
• Invest in properly fitted bras
• Take myself more seriously
• Work out all of my priorities
• Save money
• Wear what makes me feel comfortable and pretty
• Keep my wallet and purse organized
• Try to keep to a better sleep schedule 
• Work on my penmanship
• Keep clothes organized and put away
• Stay on top of laundry
• Eat better
• Make healthier choices
• Take a few minutes a day to meditate
• Recognize my mistakes and apologize in the moment
• Recognize injustice and confront it in the moment
• Stand up for myself and my beliefs
• Stay away from the blade
• Write more letters, keep in touch with out of town and out of state friends and relatives
• Take note and learn about my car
• Learn to cook more
• Bake more cookies (why not?)
• Take pride in myself and my belongings
• Take care of my friendships and relationships
• Stay grounded
• Don't let anxiety control the situation
• Leave the past in the past

Dirty Concious

I could give you a bruise, perhaps,
from sinking my thumb too far into your shoulder.
I could give you a few drops of blood,
tiny shreds of skin,
a temporary trophy of our sixteenth one night stand.
I could give you tears,
many wet, salty, aching tears.
I could give you a headache.
I could take it away.
I could give you anything, really,
any goddamn thing you wanted.
I was willing,
but the only things you were interested in
were the ones that made you more powerful.
I don't even understand what you were trying to do.
Love me? Not in such a twisted way.
Need me? Not a self righteous bastard like you.
Save me? Perhaps.
There is no prize, there is no reward,
there is no 'hallelujah, you rescued me!"
You could have never saved me.
You only plunged me back into darkness,
back into self hatred,
back into self loathing.
You took everything I had worked for
and turned it into a stain on your bed sheet.
Well, lucky for you,
bed sheets are easier to clean than a conscious.

Twenty Two

She excitedly exclaimed,
"Today is my birthday!"
They looked at her like they would any other day,
they told her
"Birthday's don't matter, you're not a kid anymore."
She turned twenty two today,
and they were right,
she was no longer a child.
But while some see age as tic marks on the wall,
she sees it as a real life example of how strong she is.
She barely made it into being seventeen,
and barely made it to twenty one,
but she did.
And now she's made it to twenty two.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a round of applause please,
she
is
twenty two.

I want to write about you

I want to write about you.

I want you to shine through my sentences,

glow with every 

single

word.

You have so much spark inside of you,

so many intriguing, intricate trails of gun powder

just waiting

to 

explode.

My words could never do you justice, 

not even the prettiest of syllables could compare.

I want to write about you.

I want to show you off to the entire world,

so they can all know how

incredible

you 

are.

I want to showcase your greatness,

brag to everyone I know,

because you have 

healed

every

scar.

My words will try so hard to do you justice,

I will use every pretty syllable to declare.

Buried Deep

I think of you
as a castle I conquered,
walls sky high
so you'd never be bothered -
I may be just a memory
but that's more than you are,
buried at the base of these old and dead scars.

That was then

What happened one year ago today

was due to a seed that was planted long, long ago.

It's roots grabbed hold of every corner of my brain,

the tiny grips of black, rotted steel.

It grew and twisted it's way through every crevice

until there was no more life to suck away.

You could see it, through the deepest parts of my eyes.

The lack of everything.

The love of nothing.

The pressure of anything.

No explanation could do it justice,

could fully entail every torture it makes you feel.

I have very rarely danced with the Devil,

but I assure you, one year ago today,

he was standing next to me.

Pushing me, urging me, promising me -

'Go for it, you should do it, it will be fine'

The darkness did the dirty work, he was just there to pull the trigger.

It was like those roots gripped so hard that it overloaded itself -

and not even the darkness knew how to handle the aftermath of it's own experiment.

Complaints

I wish I could pull out every thought
in a single string
and give my head some space.
I wish I could wrap it around
the entire world
and see how much I scare the human race.
I wish I could laugh it off
as if I'm not crazy
and continue at a full speed pace.
I wish I could curl up into a ball
and fall asleep for good
but instead I'm staring fear in the face.

History repeats itself

The world runs on repeats of the past.
Someone has already said the words you've muttered - or shouted,
walked the ground you've trusted your feet on,
hugged the people you've clung onto with hope.
Sometimes, though, these repeats over lap in some way.
You say the same words, to two different people,
You shuffle your feet next to a new body on the same old road,
You hug the people you should have left behind.
And it's these warped repeats that confuse us,
excite us,
endanger us.
We feel the connection of familiarity and we thrive on that,
and somehow the outcome of the past is always forgotten until it's too late.
No one can say that they've never made a mistake.
We regret things and make faulty decisions on a daily basis.
We grow from these situations, but sometimes it takes years
of failed instances to the point of pulling your hair out
and banging your head against the wall.
You think "Why me?"
and the best answer to give is wait -
you will soon see that this repeat of bullshit
is apart of human nature.

It's July, by the way.

I don't think I could have even told you what month it was.
Hot.
That's all I knew -
sticky, humid, melt your face off hot.
Somehow I managed to not get out of bed,
I just laid there for hours...
maybe even days.

It's been a long time comin'

15.

I invited a boy into the parts of me I wasn't ready for.

I bled red confusion, anxiety, depression - despair.

I broke

myself

my honor

my sanity.

16.

I got fucked up for the first time.

Too much to drink, too much to smoke, too much. too much. too much.

I had a needle shoved through my nose, a ring replaced it and it still remains.

I don't remember too much

of being

sweet sixteen.

17.

I took a bottle of pills in one big gulp.

I succumbed. 

I struggled.

I survived.

18.

I cried

for the entire

fucking

year.

19.

My friend's decided I wasn't their type.

Too depressed,

too anxious.

Not happy enough,

not good enough.

20.

I took a hundred-something pills in ten handfuls.

I woke up.

I was changed.

Life become beautiful.

21.

I fell in love.

Real love.

I bettered myself

I buried the past

I believed in magic

for the first time

since I was six.

Perfection should not be searched for

When I was a kid, I never believed anyone if they told me perfection didn't exist.

In my head, it was never exactly an attainable object,

but perfection did exist, I just figured those who told me it didn't just hadn't found it yet.

I look back at the people who told me this -

Parents stuck in a loveless, frustrating marriage,

siblings with an outstanding cynical perspective of the world,

and friends, who obviously knew less about the world than I did, 

even at eleven years old.

As I aged, my perception on the good things in life drastically changed.

I was taken over by addiction, 

by horrible memories,

by a brain that was more interested in sabotaging anything that was good.

Some say I grew up.

I say I was torn apart.

Now, I see through the depths of the dirt and back again

was all that was needed to find perfection.

To find the one aspect of my life that made it complete.

My perfection is not a movie script,

it is not a song sung in the perfect tune.

It is not a sexy dress on a Saturday night,

it is not a sprinkler on a blazing hot day.

My perfection is a person,

who through their own life circumstances happened to fall perfectly in place with mine.

A man who simply by living has given me answers to questions I never even know I had.

My soul mate, who I didn't go searching for, who I never rushed or pushed into anything -

because I knew from the first time I looked at him,

this is what I have dreamed of,

this is the perfection everyone claimed didn't exist.

I will hold onto him for as long as I can.

I will hold onto my perfection.

I won't let it take you

To say that I am familiar with the darkness would be an understatement.
I know it as my best friend,
my lover,
my parent.
I know it as my downfall,
my poison,
my mental death.
I have years under my belt of the chaos the darkness has instilled in me -
I have scars, inside and out.
Watching someone you love be consumed by the same darkness is crippling,
almost as crippling as the grip it has had on me.
But I will try,
with guns raised and ammo in my pocket,
I will always try.
I rip away at every lose thread that I can -
IT CANNOT TAKE YOU,
IT CAN'T!
My frantic cries are no use,
the darkness pulls you out of my grip so easily.
All I want to do is hold you close,
wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be okay -
I know it will be, it has to be...
but how can you believe me?
The darkness is sitting even closer to you,
whispering all of the contradictions possible to every sweet word I say.
No matter what I try to hit it with,
it springs back into place,
because that's the tricky thing about the darkness...
it is always there,
it is always looming,
it is always calculating...
even after years of laying dormant.

Your High Horse Will Surely Falter

You stand so firmly on such shaky ground,
I'm waiting for it to crumble at your feet -
but even so, the fall won't last,
and you will never accept your defeat.
I've stood by you, day after day,
for the last twenty one years of my life...
but that didn't seem to matter one bit
when you dug into my back with your knife.
You tell me you love me and other empty words,
your tone of voice proves you don't care...
your heart is closed and so is your mind,
I doubt I'll ever find my way back to there.
Blood is relation but not a guarantee
that we will always see eye to eye,
don't tell me I'm the one that has given up
when I'm the only one that has tried.

Ration Your Sanity

The misunderstanding of mental disorders disgraces those who struggle,
we are left with the labels of 'crazy' and 'freak' as we drown in our own bloody puddle.
We share our stories in hopes to help the ashamed and the confused,
but since we don't have a cast or a brace, our cries for help are refused.
My apologies for the lack of broken bones or any missing extremities,
but does that really leave me with the only option of constructing my own remedies?
The endless 'cycle of psycho's' that is imposed on us by society,
tells us to ask for help but get shot down and then bullied for our waning sobriety.
Open your eyes and look for the signs, we are not contagious, but we are sick,
we are looking for safety in the midst of brains that are suffocatingly toxic.
Keep the light in the attic illuminated always and the darkness will not creep,
but once that darkness plants itself, it's root will bury you deep.

Fire Starter

And if for just this moment,

I don't have to think

about a single thing 

other than your legs wrapped up in mine,

our connecting sweat,

and the immense love I have for you -

then let the passion ignite.

Five Thousand Six Hundred and Seventy Two

 Trigger Warning:
This poem is directly influenced by a negative part of my life 
and I caution readers to make the smart decision of only reading this if you are safe.


I remember your teeth being rotten, your nails jagged and long -
I remember the high pitched squeal when you whistled that song.
I keep a photographic collage in my head of who you are -
Small kid with a sick obsession of causing lifetime scars.
Twisted and mental, your trick was striking fear,
knowing I would believe every single thing that I could hear.
The sound of my brain screaming made it difficult to understand,
The movements of your extremities were never helping hands.
You tied the noose around this life that I continue to live in,
making me question every freckle presented on my own skin.
Red eyes, I swear to god, you're the devil in so many ways,
orders kept me on my knees, and like a canine, I obeyed.
A thief of epic definition, you stole the one thing I can't get back,
along with the light in both my eyes and the courage I now lack.
The monster I encountered was never in my closet or under my bed,
he was living next door with his own master plan of getting inside my head,
and more than that, my little skirts too, six year old me is still scared to this day-
you've made me do a double take every time someone asks me if I want to play.
At this point you are imprinted in me, your poison still travels through my heart,
five thousand six hundred and seventy two days since you decided it was time to start.

She Dances in your Footprints

There's a nervous girl shuffling her feet
down the sidewalk with her headphones in only one ear
and a look on her face that either says "don't fuck with me"
or "please fuck me".
She has holes in her tights
and half a fifth in her bag,
the other half cycling through her blood stream.
Her hair says she left wherever she came from in a hurry,
her make up says she spent the last two hours in front a mirror.
She doesn't even know where she is going,
but she heads in the same direction her heart tells her she should.
The darkness of the summer night illuminates her pale skin,
the tears in eyes fall delicately to the ground,
and all she wonders is just how quickly it will take for her to get where's she going.

You.

You know what I want?
I want you.
I want your thoughts, your ideas.
I want your sleepy time kisses and your good morning smile.
I want your tickle attacks and your wheezing asthma.
I want your 'stupid logic' and your ham sandwiches.
I want your favorite freezing cold blanket and your Zelda obsession.
I want your car that hates me and your family that loves me.
I want everything about you.
I want you inside and out, backwards and forwards, head to toe.
I want you.
Every single part of you.

Therapy at Eight. a.m.

My favorite time of day is when the dim orange light is seeping through the windows in the morning. When voices are nothing other than sleepy, and feeling is intensified by the crispness of the air. I love when my hair is a mess and there is nothing to do besides sit.
Relax.
Breathe.
When I have no concern aside from if the rain will be showing up that day or not. When half-awake kisses are sloppy but beautiful. When your heart is not broken or aching or bruised, because there hasn't been time for a single thing to set in.
When you feel alive and don't find anything wrong with it.

We've All Been There

Oh he called you?
That's lovely...
You're his girlfriend now?
That's awesome...
You guys are going to the movies tomorrow?
How cool...
He calls you baby?
Awee...
He's changed, right?
Oh, of course he has...
He thinks he's falling in love with you?
You  must be really special...
He said you're different than all the rest?
That's nice...
I remember when I was different too.

Rise Once More

Broken, in silence, unable to forget the past -
debilitated in a cocoon of such an emotional cast.
Do not be scared, although I live in the shadow of fright,
I have no plans for what will become my final night.
That type of decision should not be mine to make -
there are so many intricate details who's futures are at stake.
I am microscopic at best in the grand scheme of it all,
but I have to fulfill the dreams I've seen in my own crystal ball.
I've lost track of how often I've risen from the ash -
it seems each time I fly away, I'm destined for a crash -
don't let my insecurities be read like a book of threats,
Because I'm not ready to become a ghost just yet.

Yesterday, one of my closest friends received heartbreaking new... his best friend had passed away. I really don't know what he is feeling, I can only assume the gutwrenching process of grieving is well underway. While I prepare for the departure of my Grandmother, death has been on my mind a lot lately, and after hearing the news of this accident, I decided to write something. It is fairly simple but I think it holds a lot of weight. This poem is dedicated to Cody, because although I had never met him, he will continue to be a huge part of my best friend's life and that is important to me.




Lessons learned after a life is lost:
breath is precious with an unmeasurable cost.
Death may be inevitable but that doesn't make it right,
yesterday is so far away when you're looking in hindsight.
But I know of some people that never should have gone,
it's not easy to accept the line that fate has drawn.
The one thing to remember is that they'll never disappear,
their bodies may be far away but they will always be right here.





And to all of those that are waiting for us on the other side, rest in peace and know that you are never forgotten.

Understatement of a Misunderstanding

I've seen more blood in my short lifetime than most see in seven decades.
Have the scars to prove it, too.
I've held the blade to my arm, I've held the blade in my teeth,
I've held the blade in the back of my phone for when I need it the most.
I've put it down, I've picked it up,
I've said goodbye for three long years.
No one told me it was possible.
I never knew I would crave it, I never knew I would want it,
I never knew I would need it.
I've fought, I've lost, I've killed, I've given birth.
All within the confines of my skull.
Tick marks down my arm with questionable intent,
but they are all too real reminders of the person I've tried to leave behind.

You think you're the only one that's ever suffered from a broken heart?

You decide you want - no, need - to get drunk,
so you scrounge up your last fourteen bucks
and head to 7-11 with the low life's on the corner.
You get asked for cigarettes,
for a phone number,
for a good time.
You're half tempted to take the offer.
No one questions the smeared lipstick
or the mascara running down to the corners of your mouth.
They're used to the broken ones around here.
You continue back to your house
with the loudness in the back of your mind.
Cell phone off, music blaring
drinks in each hand,
and the pain in your gut that you need to drown.
You raise a toast, a final hurrah,
to that damn bastard you will forget about
this time next year.

It's time

How many times have I broken down from the thought of his control over my life? I've had his grip on my shoulder, realisically and figuratively, for fifteen years. a decade and a half of looking over my shoulder, of shuddering when I see him walk by, of avoiding my front porch as much as possible. I never chose for him to take what he took from me. I never asked him to torture me. I never agreed to any of it. It was out of my control. I have come so far in my recovery, I don't deserve being shut in this box anymore. He does not deserve my energy and emotions for something like this. I have always said that I don't blame anyone but him for what happened, so why do I keep pushing myself down? I was six years old. I didn't understand the severity of it all until it was too late. I didn't tell anyone because I was threatened not to. I refuse to keep blaming myself for something that I in no way had control over. I'm not going to victimize myself anymore. HE was the one that started it all. HE was the one that pushed me into darkness. HE was the one that took more from me than I can even comprehend. Not me. I did what I could to make it stop. I did what I could to survive as a young child with her world flipped upside down in the blink of an eye. And you know what? I did a pretty damn good job at surviving if you ask me. Yeah, I may be trying my hardest at 21 to get my life on track, and as much as I curse my life at times and as much as I sometimes wish it would all just stop, I know there's something beautiful on the other side. I need to do this for myself. I am better than this. I deserve more than this. And it starts today.

I Couldn't Have Wished For More

It's a gray, stormy night and I feel as if the clock is lying to me.
It's been only two hours since I kissed your face
but it seems like an eternity without you here.
I get caught up in each minute and I think I might explode -
I mean, my god, I just love you so very much.
My heart beats so quickly, sending vibrations down my rib cage
and I miss your hand on my lower back
and I miss your head on my stomach with your ear near my belly button.
I can imagine you tasting every last one of my freckles
but it just isn't the same without your lips on my neck,
I can hear your laughter and see your smile
and I feel as if you've died and I will never experience such beauty again.
You are ten minutes away but it seems like years,
I want you here and I want you now
and I want your hand to hold onto mine.
I want you to wipe these tears and tell me it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, you always promise me it will be okay,
and for the first time in my life I believe these words.
You are here even in my mind and you I can feel your smile
and I can feel your heartbeat and I can feel your love,
even from ten minutes or a lifetime away.
I will wait for you no matter the situation,
you are the love I have waited for,
you are the spark of my morning,
you are my favorite thing in the entire galaxy
and I wouldn't trade you for anything -
I love you, so very much.

Weirdos Need Not Apply

I pass suits and breifcases getting out of fancy cars
and I spit on the sidewalk nearly missing overpriced shoes.
Society's normalcy has morphed into an enemy -
too wrong, not enough right, this, that and the other thing.

I can't get a job because of the ring through my notril,
the tattoo on my back or the activities I chose to engage in.
Entry level positions require two years of experience
in a field I couldn't give two shits about.

I've kissed boys, I've kissed girls, I've kissed strangers
I've had one hand under my shirt and the other on my zipper -
the girls at school sure had fun writing my name on the bathroom wall.


I have never killed anyone and I never plan to,
but the stamp on my chart tells them differently.
I like death and morbidity, but the world around me does not,
so I'm suddenly shoved into a cateogry with Bundy himself.
I've never seen the inside of a prison cell, or even jailhouse bars,
nor have I ever done anything to warrant such vacations.

So tell me,
if you're not too busy judging my every move,
just how exactly should I feel accepted?

Just a Minute

She said that she was tired.

That she just needed a minute.

She said she just needed to breathe.

To calm down,

to relax.

The bathtub filled with water,

higher and higher

it rose to the edge of the porcelain.

Just a minute, she said.

She slipped right under,

without a single little sound.

Only the tiniest of bubbles

would be proof of her body's existence in that tub.

It took just a minute for her lungs to drown,

for the air to dissipate.

For her skin to turn blue.

There were knocks at the door,

she said just a minute.

There was panic down the hall,

she said she would only be a minute!

They were breaking down the door,

it would only take a minute.

There was silence on the other side...

for much longer than a minute.

It's like the same damn year again and again

Well, imagine that. It's January and it's cold and it's probably snowing somewhere or something. You bundle yourself up but forget that you need gloves. It's no big deal because you have pockets, but your cell phone and your chapstick are taking up too much space so you just fold your sleeves into your fingers and clench down tightly. It doesn't do much but it helps a little. You curse yourself for not keeping up with your New Years resolutions. You get pissed in your head that you only made it three and a half weeks. 

Valentines Day already? God damn chocolate boxes in stupid heart shapes and overpriced lingerie. Single, again. You curse the roses and the fancy candy and the couple walking down the street hand in hand. Not fair, you tell yourself. When will it be your turn?

Maybe March will be different. Wishful thinking for the impossible, shit never changes. You are forced to clean your house and room by room you remember why you hate Spring. The windows are open but the sunshine doesn't do a thing. You're just happy you can wear a skirt.

Your life is fantastic! ...April Fools. You stick to what you know and you continue hating the things you do. You need two hundred bucks by next weekend but your broke. You keep a lighter in your pocket for the times you really need it, and dammit, you're really going to need it.

Summer is almost here and you don't have a swimsuit. You can't wear a swimsuit. May is cruel in the worst possible ways. It takes you thirteen days to come out of your room. You can barely eat and your sleeves are getting longer when they should be getting shorter. You beat yourself up because in the morning you regret everything you are and everything you've done. Here it goes again.

June is full of surprises and you get your hopes up. You are brought back down just as quick, and maybe even quicker when you realize that they never stay. You should have prepared for this. You should have known. You kick yourself, again and again. Why you, why him? You loved him. Or so you thought. But come next year you'll have him all over again just in a different body with a different name. Your heart will beat the same for him and your heart will break the same for him. But your heart is broken now because the love of your life just left. Love of your life, right?

It's hotter than balls but the fireworks help. July is full of freedom and you feel like going to bonfires and beach parties. You want to get drunk. You want to get high. You want to hook up with some random guy to make the last one jealous. You want to run down the street in the middle of the night. You have all these grand plans. You have all these ideas. You have all this free time. You collect all this boredom instead.

August brings hatred against your best friend. She's a bitch, anyways. Come next month you will reconcile with her and she will apologize for sleeping with your ex. You will forgive her. You two will make a pact that you won't ever be so mean to each other ever again. Come junior year she will be fucking your boyfriend while they both lie to your face. She's a bitch until September. She's your best friend until next year.

You keep to yourself now that September has begun. You shuffle your shoes through the halls of school. You hate your classes. You hate your teachers. Well, except for your hot math teacher. You eat lunch alone and you sit in the back of every room. You skip the last three periods of almost every day. But you always stay for math.

October is nothing special. Your birthday was lame and your parents didn't really care. Your friends were all busy and the cupcakes you made for yourself tasted like shit. You hold your head to the ground as you walk through the park. The leaves are gorgeous but you don't even care. It rains too much and it's too damn cold. You miss the Summer time, but you only miss the Summer you wish you had.

Familiy gatherings are stupid. November kick starts the holidays and you wish you didn't have to see Aunt Darla and her fourth husband, Uncle something-you-can't-remember. Your grandparents are getting old and it hurts you to see them. The babies are getting older and in turn more annoying. Your cousins are growing up and no longer care what your little high school ass is doing. Thanksgiving ends when your usually absent drunk relative shows up. You're just pissed because he screwed up your name.

December starts off rocky but turns into something good. You like this boy and he likes you  back. You went to his house for dinner and he told you his parents loved you. You kissed him under the mistle toe and you put a present with his name on it under your tree. The holidays were fantastic and exactly what you've always wanted. You get invited to a New Years Eve party and you buy a really cute dress. You spend two hours and forty five minutes on your hair and make up and you feel the best you've ever felt. It's ten seconds to midnight and this boy you like who likes you back is nowhere to be found. You look up to see him kissing someone else as the New Year rings in. Your Decemeber turns to shit and you pray to God it gets better next year. 

But it never does.

You are my Sunshine

It was the day we stood in the rain.

I couldn't tell you the reasoning as to why 

I ran out of the garage and into the pouring Washington rain,

tears streaming down my face.

I stood there, quietly, by myself

with my head in my hands and slightly shaking from the cold.

Within less than a minute, I heard the door open and close behind me.

I turned around to see your face -

the look in your eyes and tension in your lips 

made it clear that you were a little more than worried.

You hugged me so tightly, and told me it would be okay.

It was then. It was that moment.

The gears in my head started turning,

letting go of all the misconceptions I had,

all of the fears I had that I was too much of a mess for you.

It is that exact gleam in your eyes that I still see to this day.

When we lay in your bed, arms and legs tangled into the perfect cuddle.

Or when we kiss and you lick my cheek.

When we have tickle fights and wait until the other person gives in first.

Or when our bodies press together, gently but passionately.

When irrational fears creep back in, I remember that moment.

The split second that started it all.

I fall in love with you more and more each day.

I fall in love with your smile, your laugh, your silly comments.

The compassion in your fingers as you run them down my spine.

I fall in love with your fascination with cars and your obsession with video games.

I fall madly in love with your existence, every bit of who you are,

who you were and who you strive to be.

It was that moment that I fell in love with you.

Cadaver, Cadaver

Cadaver, cadaver - what have you done?

Did you forget that tomorrow there is another rising sun?

Blue lips blend so perfectly with your pasty pale skin

you don't belong near the black casket you are in.

Mortician's make-up hides the scars that possess your wrist

Lucifer giggles as he holds his pen to cross your name off his list.

No one blames you, though they may not understand

that to overcome such profound darkness takes more than a helping hand.

The funeral home will quiet and repopulate with strangers

your gravestone will become susceptible to eroding natural dangers -

And even once your body deteriorates into the soil six feet below

the world will still remember but you will never know.

Battlefield, Bloody Field

Recreation of the species of the moster I became,

Different dates, places and names but the burden feels the same,

I look you in the eyes and beg you for the courage I lack

too many broken bones for you to grab on and hold me back.

Laughter opens up the door to a falsehood of stability

smiling along with me is your own responsibility.

I held the red flags tightly, creating creases in my palms

Yet even through the emergencies you stayed perfectly calm.

Making mistakes carefully, costing me pennies a piece,

making payments to the Devil on this life that I lease.

Questionable sanity should never be tested or confused

my mind is nowhere close to here, it's never even be properly used.

Look one last time and I will show you reality through my eyes

I'll tell you now, you're in for one Hell of a surprise.

Make No Mistake When You Take Your Aim

You're so set in stone with the logistics of rebellion
that you seem to have forgotten the circle of Hell we're in.
No more pennies down the well, we're at the lowest point of low,
down here you make your own damn wishes, so plant the seeds to grow.
I played with your words carefully before deciding if they should be bought,
who would have thought the pretty ones could so beautifully decay and rot.
You played the game of distraction, always taking my hand from mid reach
holding me tightly with my back to the door of the closet full of skeletons you keep.
Faking death is easy for you, one face melts away from the rest
daily demonstrations of your recreations to find the one that fits me best.
A round of applause for the magician of the year, beautifully dressed in red -
an overactive appetite for the mistakes you've engraved in my head.
It will take doctors with needles and scalpels and machines
to undo the damage that you've gruesomely instilled in me.
Your concerning tone is questionable, your lack of interest is no longer hidden -
but the guaranteed rejection shuts my mouth, use of vocal chords is forbidden.
You were once a grand King in my eyes, but I was nothing but your whore,
living my life like modern day recollections of medieval  folklore.
There were such unusual circumstances that made me beg for your return,
but the realistic side of tragedy made me pray for you to burn.
Kiss the frog, he'll appear as a price - my misconceptions as a child
left me running the streets searching for every amphibian in the wild.
I caught you once, but let you go, angrily cursing my pattern of toads,
I'll head one way and you head the other, there are several forks in this road,
Continue forward with your journey, you're a paladin of egotistical greed
you will not find what you're looking for, now that your prisoner has been freed.
Luck has boundaries, an end to the belief of your sweet deception is long overdue
I just hope when you fall to the ground the only wounded back will belong to you.