A Bloody Mess

It could have been anything.
It could have been inhaling smoke,
it could have been the contents of a fifth
in the bottom of my stomach.
A line of powder,
a needle full of a brand new place,
or perhaps a bottle of pills emptied, night after night.
Instead of any of those,
I was cursed with something that few accept.
The bloody mess that is so closely related
is hard for anyone to accept.
It even took a long time for me to internalize it.
I've given up trying to explain my addiction to anyone,
especially the people closest to me.
I guess I just deal with things on a different scale.
On an addiction fueled scale.
I have encountered many questions,
specifically "Why?"
I don't know why.
I only know the emotions behind the actions,
but explaining the actions themselves
would be far too difficult.
I am at a constant war with myself,
Do I do it tonight?
Do I sleep this feeling off?
Do I listen to the voice in my head?
Or do I listen to the pain in my gut?
It has become something so much more
than I ever thought it would.
It is no longer a choice
of whether it's the 'right' thing to do.
It is woven into my veins.
It has seeped into my heart.
It is imprinted on my brain.
It is so deeply ingrained inside of me,
in a million different ways,
that it seems as if the only way to relieve it,
the only way to feed the monster,
is to do exactly what it is that I struggle with.
I thought the shiny metal
that I turned my back on three years ago,
would stay in the past,
where I hoped it belonged.
But there are some things
that you just cannot escape.
Let it be a pack a day,
a collection of empty bottles on your counter,
snow in the middle of summer,
a vile of purple skies and bending buildings,
a pill box of good times,
or in my case,
a sharp blade,
causing more and more problems
as it trails down my arm.

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago, I met a guy that changed my life forever. We dated, for a very short period of time, but we stayed in touch after that. We have been through ups and downs, fights and the exact opposite of that, and in the midst of it all, I fell madly in love with him. I don’t mean the kind of love that everyone says they have for people. Or the kind of love that is awesome and amazing. I mean the kind of love that is so raw, so real, that nothing else can match it. He saw into the depths of my mind, and it’s almost freaked me out how well he knew me. It was a huge mess from the very beginning, and we both knew it. I wasn’t emotionally stable to handle feelings of that magnitude, and he was just.. not ready, either. Him and I reached the end of our long and winding road the other day, though. It turns out that you really can’t trust people, even the ones you love and who love you back (apparently.) I would have given him the world if he had let me. But he broke, or more like annihilated, my heart for the third and final time. He will always have a place in my heart, and he will occupy the thoughts in my head for quite some time, I’m sure. Other than that, he has no place in my life whatsoever. I absolutely refuse to allow him back into my world, time after time, when he does this so often. I know he’ll never read this, but for what it’s worth, I hope he knows he’s an amazing guy and he could have all that he’s wanted and dreamed of… if he only accepted that people feel things other than hate. He can live his life any damn way he wants. I just hope he realizes that I will never be apart of it again. He burned too many bridges this time. I’d like to think that I mean enough to him that if he DID know that, it would finally get into his head. But I don’t think either of those things are going to happen. I’m finally saying goodbye, a year later. I know I will come back to him, in my mind at least, but he can’t do this to me anymore. He can’t play with something that he refuses to accept. My heart has become a marionette on tender, bloody strings. And that’s just not acceptable to me anymore.

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Well..

I guess I should tell you guys that I'm no longer engaged. The decision to end things was mine, but it still hurt all the same. All I will say about it is that he proved to me that he couldn't be trusted, and I won't put up with that kind of thing. On top of that, the last few weeks have been pure hell, and there's no other way to explain it. I have been on a very frail limb for the last few months and last Sunday, it snapped. I have been off meds and my bipolar has been cycling very, very rapidly and extremely harshly. It's all I can do to wake up in the morning. I suck at updating this as it is, but it might be a while before I can really get back into blogging. I hope all you guys are doing better than I have been, and that you are enjoying the Spring. Take care everyone.