Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

It's just too perfect..

Hey there everyone

The past few days have been really rough for me. It seems I have neglected filling you (all eight of you) in on what's been going on. I've been dealing a lot with personal issues again, mostly with my father, but I have no one to blame but myself. I'm not sure what's going wrong right now, something just feels very off. I'm not sure what to do, or what to say, about it. I just feel like running and never stopping until I have no more air in my lungs, or until my legs shatter into pieces. In all honesty, I've cried more over the last few days then I have in a very, very long time. It's hard to watch myself go through these tough times when I have stayed so strong in the last year or so. I feel also as if the pressure to be "perfect" is pushing on me harder than ever. I'm wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. I know, that's horrible to say, but it's how I feel. I don't know what to do, really, I don't. I feel heavy and I wish the weights would subside.

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

This whole thing

This whole thing is pissing me off like no other. LEAVE IT ALONE. GO AWAY. Holy shit. I just want my friend back. ):

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I know it doesn't seem like it.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I know deep down in my heart that everything will be okay for you. You have the world at your fingertips, you are about to graduate high school, and I know you have plans for your life. I don't even know what's going on in your life right now, I won't know until you decide to disclose that information to me. I can tell you though, from my own personal experience, that it's not the end of the world. It may seem like it, oh believe me I know it seems like it, but you will find another path in life that makes you just as happy, or even happier. I should probably figure out how to take my own advice... huh? If you ever, no matter what is happening, need someone to talk to, please, please, please don't hesitate to call me or text me. I'm here for you babe.

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

I Always Forget

It's weird, you know? The fact that I have proof of your non-existence and yet I still seem to think about you. I will admit, I don't think about you as much as I used to, but still... The thoughts are there sometimes. What had happened if you were real? Would we have carried out our life long plans? I guess the only reason that I'm writing about you right now is to say good riddance. I don't want you to infiltrate my thoughts anymore. You are not real, you never were. Some sick fuck decided it would be a wonderfully fun game to string me along for almost a year. What creeps me out the most, though, is that I'm not the only one that you strung along. I'm not the only one that believed you were something you never were, that you aren't, and that you never will be. Go to hell, really, because that's where you belong. Not in my mind anymore.

My Blog

My blog is going to turn three years old this October. WOW! I can't believe it! :D

Day 04 — Your favorite book

This book was quite simply amazing. I love it a bajillion times better than "A Million Little Pieces," perhaps because this book seemed more realistic. Anyways, I suggest you read it. You don't have to read the first book to understand what's happening in this one, either. (:

Today is a good day.

For one simple reason. I got three, yes THREE, disposable cameras.

I'm overly excited, to say the least. (:

Let the fun begin!

Let's Runaway

I have decided that I can no longer be here, in this house. It is not a positive environment, and it is driving me insane. I'm dying to just pack a bag and walk away. I don't know where I'll go or how I'll stay alive, but I need change. This life I'm living is nothing of how I wanted to live. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how far off my life is, from what I had hoped. I've given up on the hope that my life will one day do a one-eighty and go according to plan, because nothing goes according to plan. But I refuse to live a life that I am completely unhappy with. It's not fair, and it's not right. I should love, or at least like the life I'm living. There is nothing about my life that I like. Someone once told me that I don't have it hard as some people. You're right. There are people who are starving, and have no clothes, no shoes, no place to live. But out of the people that I know? My life is so fucking far from good. I won't go into details, but after all the shitty cards I have been dealt, I'm ready to cash whatever chips I have and go home. But there's the problem. Where do I call home?

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

HAHAHAH "What's Twilight?" hahahaha. (If you know me at allll, you know how much I despise Twilight.)

I'm so sick of this.

I'm more than ready to fly away. You cannot imagine how sick I am of rules. Of getting in fights. Of everything. I cannot live here anymore. I really just fucking can't. It's not that I don't love my father, but seriously I'm going nuts living here. I gave it over seven months and it just keeps giving me a horrible headache. I don't want to have to pack up and move again, especially when my mom says she can't afford me living at her house. Wow, thanks mom. I know your tight on money, but really? I'm completely out of options. Really, I am. I don't have a steady job, nor do I have money saved up to move out on my own. My mom can't afford to have me live with her and my dad's house is driving me completely insane. I need to get away. I can't do this anymore.

Father's Day?

I need to figure out what I'm doing for my dad for Father's day...
If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great. (:
I want to stay away from the cliche gifts. (a tie, for example.)
Thanks in advance for any suggestions, I'm really at a loss as to what to do! ):

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

Day 01 — Your favorite song

30 Days

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

On My Own

I really cannot wait until I move out. I'm overly excited to decorate, but more so, I'm excited to have freedom. To finally do things on my own, with out any "crutches" so to speak. I need to find a roommate though.. I wouldn't be able to afford living by myself. Hmmm.. I should start saving to move out. That's be sweeeeeeeet.

Music Monday!

I've been neglectful of my Blogger Days, but here is Music Monday! :D




"Ciao Bambina" by O-Zone. NOW! Before you go off acting like a crazy 14 year old fan girl, I should give you a bit of background on O-Zone. Yes, they did the song Dragostea Din Tei. No, it is not called "The Mai Hee Song." I learned about O-Zone when I was in Scotland in Summer 2004. I bought their CD, DiscOzone on Ebay when I got home, and I have been in love with them ever since. I find it completely ignorant of everyone who claims they love this band because they listen to Dragostea Din Tei. Get a life people, listen to more than just one song before you claim you "love" them!



This is a band called He Is We, they have been my favorite band since last summer when I discovered them on MySpace, and completely fell in love with every single one of their songs. The singer, Rachel, has an AMAZING voice, and the lyrics are so easy to understand, like you can relate to them. Trevor, the music man, has amazing talent. I suggest you check out their other songs!



"Oh Darling" by Plugin Stereo Ft. Cady Groves. This song is probably the cutest song I've ever heard, and I put lyrics from it in my Facebook status ALL the time hahah. I love Cady Groves to begin with, so I when I discovered this song I was like "EEEEEP!" hahah. (:




"Chica Bomb" by Dan Balan (Formally of O-Zone) THIS VIDEO IS SO DAMN HOT! hahaha JUUUUSSSS saying! :b



AND OF COURSE I HAD TO POST THIS SONG! hahahaha. Thanks to my ex, I now listen to rap every once in a while. :b I love this song, I know pretty much alllll the lyrics, and every time it comes on the radio I HAVE to blast it hahah. (:

That does it for Music Monday! Check back next Monday for new music! :D

Saying Goodbye to a Long Time Friend

I'm currently involved in a very nasty fight with one of my best friends, whom I have known since second grade. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's time for us to go our seperate ways, because she has her priorites all kinds of fucked up. I guess what I'm saying is I'm sick and fucking tired of giving my all to my friends, and getting a one percent effort in return. If you aren't going to put the same effort into our friendship that I do, then you can forget about us being friends. I refuse to be a part time friend to anyone, or be a friend only when it's conveinent to someone. I'm not a fucking seventh grader, you morons, I know how the world works and I know that I don't deserve to be treated like shit by any of you.

I hope you know

There is nothing more hurtful than watching the people you love, slowly destroy themselves.

MY TATTOOOO! :D

Here it is everyone! My wonderful first tattoo! :D I LOVE IT! (: haha.

TATTOOO!

I'm going to get my first tattoo.. today. AHH I'M SO EXCITEEEED hahaha. I'll post a picture of it when I get it done. (:

NOW! It's time to talk about Miss Chaney!
http://itsccchaney.blogspot.com/

You should follow her, she's verrry sweet, and she comments blogs! :D hahah (:

lalalallalalalalala. today is going by extremelyyyy slow. D: wahhhh! I just want to go get my tattoo!

SUMMER 2010

Let's start this summer off right.

I miss you, kid.

There was always that feeling in the bottom of my heart. That I did love you. Now, I'm not entirely sure if I ever did or not. I can tell you this though, if my heart has ever felt the raw, attention grabbing, wonderful feeling of love, it was all thanks to you. I really don't know who I'm talking about right now, it honestly could go out to two different people. I can guarantee you that if either of them were to read this, one of which never, ever will, they wouldn't guess it was them. Well, I take that back. I made my feelings so obvious at one point that he probably could guess that it was about him. The point is, I don't feel that love anymore. It was there at one point, it really was, but I do believe that you can fall out of love. It takes a while, a long while actually, for the feelings you have for someone to cease to exist, but it's possible. I know this, because I did love one of you at one point. I'm realizing which one of you I felt love for. It wasn't the head over heels type of love, but it was still there. I just wanted to let you know that I don't feel that anymore, but I still really hope that we can be friends. That's what you wanted the whole time, right? Just to be friends? Well let's give it a second try, because you will always be in my heart in one way or another.

Wedding Wednesday!

Hello there! I have decided to start adding the "blogger days of the week" (as I call them) to my blog! I got the idea from Kaelah Bee (little chief honey bee) and I thought it would be a fun thing to do! (:

I adore this dress! It's waaay cute, and the exact style I've been wanting since I was four years old haha. I love the flowers, because they are small and don't overtake the entire dress!


I love, love, LOVE, these cakes! The last one is by farrr my favorite, I love little birdies, and although "love birds" may be cliche for weddings, I still adore the idea. I love festive and happy cakes at weddings, plain white and no color can be so drab! Not saying every simple cake is boring, it really depends on the decor.

I LOVE BIRDIESSSS! Haha, the only thing that would make this better, is if they were Owls! I would love to have something like this as table centerpieces at my wedding.

Speaking of birds.. I have alwaysss wanted a birdcage veil. I think they are dainty and cute, and they don't overtake your face, or detract from your gown.

Well that does it for me for Wedding Wednesday! Check back tomorrow for Things I Love Thursday :D

Nothing Will Stop Me

I've come to the conclusion that I need to lead a new life. I don't know how to do this, though, and that bothers me quite a bit. You see, the life I currently live is not satisfying me, in any way, shape or form. The people that I call friends are very much the opposite of that, and I don't know how to fix it. I enjoy my friends, I really do, but the way they act make me think that they don't enjoy me. Maybe I'm reading far too into this than I should. Or perhaps I'm hitting this right on the head, and my current upset stomach is telling me something. I don't know how to function in this life anymore. But I'll tell you this right now - nothing, and I mean nothing, will stop me from living the life I want to live. I just need to figure out how to start over new.

You could say that I was lost. You could say that I was hiding from the world. You could also say that I never wanted to be found. I guess all three are true, in some way or another. The days passed on and I never really knew what to think. I really just wanted to be happy, that was my ultimate goal. The sun danced across my skin as I slept away the afternoon. The morning brew I had poured myself earlier that day sat on my nightstand, getting chilly from the lack of heat. My bones ached as I tossed and turned, trying to understand what exactly was happening in my little world. It's amazing when you look back at a moment in time, and in retrospect it was never as amazing as it was in those minutes, hours or days. I dwell on the thought of what I used to be. The free spirit, curious about life, not worried to take a chance in the hopes that it could turn into something great. You could say that I am still lost. You could say that I am trying to be found.

I guess you could say if you want something, you can only get it yourself, don't rely on other people who will just let you down in the end. Don't waste your time figuring out what could happen, take a chance. It could end one of two ways, but you will never know if you don't try.

I look up at the sky today and see all the lost balloons that the young kids have let go of. I think about the balloons, fragile and delicate. A prick, ever so lightly, could send them into oblivion. I guess you could say that's how I used to be. That was a year ago. It has been a year of clean skin, but still a year of haunted scars. You could say that even though the scars will exist forever, I'm more than proud myself for keeping them from piling up. A year. An entire year. I look at my scars now and know that all of this is in the past. I don't even think about slipping up anymore. I used to say, "It doesn't matter, one day I'll slip up." The urges will always be there, but I've come to learn to fight them harder and harder, and I know one day, I can tell my kids, "These scars have a history. A history that is just that. The past."

I wish I could say I hate you. I wish I could feel the hatred I want to feel. But to be honest, I don't. Most people are telling me to run really far away from you, but I just can't. There is something about you. Perhaps this is all a charade. Perhaps this is all a sick and twisted game that you have created in your mind and I'm playing along. I'll never know if I don't try though. So what now? You've said that you are interested in me, but yet you still, still, STILL have a girlfriend. I don't understand that part, and maybe that's the part that should make me run away. I don't know where to go from here... Do we try something? Do we stay friends? What the hell is going on here?

I feel as if I need to move on. On from this place, that is. I feel like there is nothing left for me here.. like all my opportunities in Seattle have passed. So what do I do now? I don't have any money, I can't very well just up and leave from this place, as much as I need to. I wouldn't have any place to live anywhere else, so that's out of the question. Hell, I just need something new in my life. I need change. I say that a lot, I know, and I do change the little things... But I think now.. now I need something big. I need a new life. I love the living part of my life, I just don't like anything else about it.

Two words. You Lied. I don't know who to believe though. Do I believe the one person that cares about me more than anyone, who is my own blood? Or should I believe you, the boy that makes me feel wonderful, but has the more than shady past? All I know is that I'm fragile. More so now then ever. I feel like this headache has more meaning to it, like it's telling me something, other then the fact that my head hurts. I feel like I let you into my heart, my history, my head.. and you infected me. You got me to believe everything. Now I have no idea what's even true. Just be careful, I can be a bitch if you cross me.

Take me away.

There's this feeling inside my heart and head. It's telling me how wonderful you are, how awesome you've been, and how much I like you. Then there's the feeling in my stomach. The sick feeling of anxiety that I get whenever I think about this situation. It's like I can't get you off my mind. I can't get you out of my thoughts. Please, tell me what I'm doing wrong. You tell me all of these amazing things that you like about me, that you want to be with me, yet you have a girlfriend at the same time... My heart is starting to lock itself up, and I'm terrified that if you wait too long to take action, it will be too late. I'm scared of the feelings I'm having right now. I also know that this fear will probably turn into something wonderful, so I'm curious, why won't you take a chance? This really could be a great thing, so why won't you take off the security blanket and make something of whatever it is that we have?

I wanted to run. Run so far away that I would never be found. But alas, the world is round, and if I kept running then one day I would end up exactly where I started. I wanted to let my insides out. I wanted to be completely different than I was, completely different than I always have been. I wanted the scars to fade. I wanted my smooth, unmarked skin back on my body. But that isn't possible anymore. I've managed to fuck up my life one bit at a time, but I promise you, if you make an effort, I will too. If you take the leap, I will too. If you only just knew how terrifyingly wonderful this all for me, maybe you would..

I'm learning this the hard way. If you want something, you need to make it happen for yourself. But then again, there are some situations, like one of the ones I'm in, where you have no control over what happens. So, how can you make something happen when you have no control over it? I guess I will never know the answer to this. I guess I will just have to wait and wait until it does happen. But at least I'm making my feelings known to the main person involved. At least he knows how I feel about him, and that's all I really can do. It's now in his hands, not mine. He needs to make the choice, not me. I just want to know already, damn my impatience.

NEED.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to look into your eyes and fear that one day you will hurt me like the others have. What I need is to trust myself, trust you, trust that it can all be okay. The journey of the people in my life has been pretty self explanatory. I meet someone. Said someone takes advantage of the fact that I like them. Said someone uses me. The end. I wish that I could take back all the stupid mistakes I have made in the past, all the lies I believed, all the wild nights that ended badly.. I wish I could take it back. But really, I can't. So I'm not going to dwell on an impossibility. To get down to the point, my life is not how I planned it. Well, fuck, who's life actually goes according to plan? I just wish I could turn everything around, make my life into something I enjoy. My life needs to turn into something that's worth living.

(400th Post)

It was a kiss, but it was a kiss that never should have turned into one. I can't help but think I drove you to it. All the texts, while you were sitting right next to me. I'm trying to figure out if you remember the things that I remember about last night. The rain, pitter-pattering against the roof of the car, sounding like we were in a balloon. The way you traced your fingers along my arms, quietly telling me that even though I had a haunted past, you didn't care. I wonder, do you still feel this way now that the sun has risen? It seems as if the moonlight gave you courage. Courage to do something that I had earlier said would be bad if it happened. I don't want to be the cause of this. I'm in a situation I hate being in, and I really, really, don't want to be the home-wrecker. As much as you say you won't let my name be smeared in the dirt, I know how girls think, I am one, after all. So what happens now? I can't exactly just go back to the way we were... I feel a connection to you, I really do. I'm wondering if you feel it too, or if I'm just not good enough to fulfill your heart and soul.