The answer has always been there, it just took so long for me to see it

I cannot blame myself for the mistakes I made in the past.

I need to let go of the self guilt for being naive.

The way I was treated by some, was wrong.

But I didn't know any better, and once I did know better,

I took the necessary steps to take care of myself.

The way I treated myself, was wrong.

But I'm learning the right ways to love myself.

The decisions I made that let to horrible consequences, were wrong.

But that doesn't make me wrong for making them.

Once I saw how those consequences effected me and those around me,

I stopped making those decisions. 

Samps Baby

This month marks four years since we had to put down my Samps Baby. Sampson was seriously the best damn cat I could have ever asked for. He was a stray cat that found his way to our house when I was in second grade, and we had him until I was nearly sixteen years old. He would instantly come to my side if he heard me crying, but he only did that with me. He could care less if anyone else cried. He would literally put his paws on my shoulders and lick my face until I started laughing. He was a Flame-Point Siamese, which as you can tell by the picture are GORGEOUS. He was my baby. He got me through some of the hardest points in my life, and I know he is still with me in spirit. People say it's stupid to be so attached to an animal. I say they just never knew Sampson. He was my best friend. He developed liver cancer, which in turn caused his liver to fail. He was going very fast, and my mom and I decided to put him down four years ago so that he wouldn't have to suffer through his body shutting down. I remember saying when I was under the age of ten, that IF (I was convinced that Samps would never die) Sampson died, I wanted to get him cremated so that I could keep his ashes with me, so he'll always be with me. Well, I still have his ashes. Around the neck of the urn is his "Super Samps" collar, which I made him out of elastic and beads (There's a big 'S' bead in the middle). I hope that all of you can find a person, or an animal, that will always be there for you. Everyone deserves that. I am so grateful that I had my baby Samps... Rest in peace, pretty kitty.

Random old pictures of me from late 2007

Taken in December 2007.

Man, I was youuuung! Haha

(I was 16 in these)

I miss my hair like that!

Perfection is Nothing but an Illusion

I felt like crawling out of my own skin. The feeling that I had grown to know so well was back again. As familiar as it was, it still scared the shit out of me, and I wanted more than anything for it to go away. The scars that still line my arms are proof of what went on in the house of a body. The blade, at my fingertips. The tingling, in my arms. The sunlight was blocked by the shades on my window, but somehow I knew it was about 3:30 in the afternoon. The closet was taped up and covered in blankets. This was my life. My mostly insane life. I was fifteen. I was nothing like I had imaged myself to be at that age. I knew that something was different in my head. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Not only was the blade calling out to me, as a friend and as an enemy, but the thoughts that circled through my brain. That not-so-lovely mush inside my head was all I had left, with an arm filled with cuts and scars. Almost as if  they were bodies, lined up in a row, casualties of war. I tried, so damn hard, to stop myself. To stop myself from the thoughts, from the actions, but that pesky mush inside my head had different ideas. I wanted to be perfect. My brain wanted me to fall. Fall so fast, so hard, that all that was left was my guts on the sidewalk. At the time, I wanted to succumb to the thoughts. Those nagging, terrible, scary thoughts. It took me quite a long time to realize that it wouldn't be worth it. As strong as the desire was to cease those nagging, terrible, scary thoughts, I knew that ceasing my thoughts would mean ceasing my life as well. I tried. Goddammit I tried. And in a way, I like to say that I succeeded. Not in an attempt to end it all, but I succeeded in overtaking my terrible thoughts with my sane thoughts. It took a long time. It took an attempt on my life. And although that seems like lifetimes ago, I know that it has just shaped me into who I am right now. This won't be who I am forever, so I'm going to take advantage that I have this "me" at least for a short time, if not longer. I know that perfection is unattainable, and looking back I know that my craving for perfection was unfounded. The truth is, perfection is nothing but an illusion. A beautiful mirage. I may have my moments, I may think about bad things, but I have made huge strides from where I was four years ago. Hell, even two years ago. I love that I'm awkward and shy. I love that I'm probably the most caring person you will ever meet. I love that I strong, oh god am I a strong person. I love that I will eat french fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner... and the snacks in between. I may not be perfect, but I'm perfectly happy with being me. And that's all I could have ever asked for.