Years and Years

One day, years and years from now,
I would love to have someone find my writing,
either through random searches on the internet,
or digging through a box found and a local flea market,
or something of the sort.
I would love for them to pick up the page, or the notebook,
or lean into the screen a little bit farther,
and absorb every word they see.
To see only my messy handwriting and sloppy signature,
but know that someone understands.
I would love for someone to find peace and contentment in knowing
that someone, at some time, felt exactly as they feel.
One day, years and years from now,
I would love to help someone not feel alone.

My Apologies

I apologize for my poison,

I tried to warn you of it's effects,

it strangles you strongly from the inside

until your mind forgets to reject.

I apologize for my words,

I try to keep them inside,

but their weight is just too heavy

and their stableness declines.

I apologize for my anger,

I never wanted to see red,

now my eyesight's fading black,

from the inside of my head.

I apologize for my tears,

I try to cry only when I need,

but sometimes they slip out -

even sadness needs to be freed.

It's been a long time comin'

15.

I invited a boy into the parts of me I wasn't ready for.

I bled red confusion, anxiety, depression - despair.

I broke

myself

my honor

my sanity.

16.

I got fucked up for the first time.

Too much to drink, too much to smoke, too much. too much. too much.

I had a needle shoved through my nose, a ring replaced it and it still remains.

I don't remember too much

of being

sweet sixteen.

17.

I took a bottle of pills in one big gulp.

I succumbed. 

I struggled.

I survived.

18.

I cried

for the entire

fucking

year.

19.

My friend's decided I wasn't their type.

Too depressed,

too anxious.

Not happy enough,

not good enough.

20.

I took a hundred-something pills in ten handfuls.

I woke up.

I was changed.

Life become beautiful.

21.

I fell in love.

Real love.

I bettered myself

I buried the past

I believed in magic

for the first time

since I was six.