Ramble Writing

I know now that I was only ever in their beds because I fit some sort of mold, whether it was my hair color or the style of my clothes - maybe my age, or my naivety - I fit into what they wanted, what they convinced themselves they were in entitled to. They took a piece of me to keep with them, to remind themselves when they're aging and lonely, that at one time they were something. I suppose that is just the full circle, I used them to validate myself at a young age, to feel like I was something. They will validate themselves far past any significant time in their lives, and it will be all they have to hold on to. I have used this validation to help myself grow into a better person for a significant time in my life. So, really, I won. Hear that? I won.

The answer has always been there, it just took so long for me to see it

I cannot blame myself for the mistakes I made in the past.

I need to let go of the self guilt for being naive.

The way I was treated by some, was wrong.

But I didn't know any better, and once I did know better,

I took the necessary steps to take care of myself.

The way I treated myself, was wrong.

But I'm learning the right ways to love myself.

The decisions I made that let to horrible consequences, were wrong.

But that doesn't make me wrong for making them.

Once I saw how those consequences effected me and those around me,

I stopped making those decisions. 

2013

Well, here it is once again. I am continuing my (sort of) tradition of writing essentially a reflection of the nearly finished year. Well.. here we go.

2013 has been quite the year for me. Usually when I say words along those lines, there is a negative connotation behind it. This year, not a single bit. This year has, without a doubt, been the most exhilarating year I think I have ever experienced. So much has happened, so many lessons have been learned, so many goals have been achieved... 

In January, just a few days into the near year, I gave my boyfriend a small pill container that held five or so blades. I have not self injured since that day. I am almost back at one year clean, and although I am still slightly saddened that I slipped up after three years, I am so proud of myself for making the commitment to stop. 

I moved in at my boyfriend's house, and we are in the process of looking for our own place before March of 2014. Moving in with my boyfriend's family was an amazing step, it not only brought me and my boyfriend closer, but it brought me and his family closer as well. On top of that, mine and my dad's relationship evened out with a considerable change. We started getting along (for the most part) for the first time in my life. My mom and I are still working things out, but it is slowly getting better.

I strengthened a lot of good friendships this year. My two closest friends have proven to me so much this year that they are amazing people. I have also weeded out 'bad' friends, and taken more steps to become closer to those that I wanted to be friends with. My brother and I have become closer this year. We talk on a normal basis, give each other hugs when we see each other, make plans to hang out - he even came over to my side of the water (that's an hour bus and an hour long ferry for him) to celebrate my birthday with me. I also become closer with a lot of my extended family. Although I have always been close with my cousins, I began to see a side of a few of my cousins that I have never seen before. They started opening up to me more and more.

In May, I got my first job in nearly three years. I worked as a replenishment associate (aka, I was an after hours stocking and cleaning elf) at Michaels craft store. Within a week of getting my job, I got my license. I was so hesitant to get my license for five years because I was terrified of driving, but my oh so patient boyfriend helped me outside of my comfort zone. I then got a car, my turquoise go-go-mobile fully equipped with Yoshi and Koopa plushies, oh, and Togepi too! 

My boyfriend was able to come to my family's annual Campout with me, where he blended in so perfectly and I got the 500% approval rating from my family that he was a really great guy. (Which I of course already knew!)

I turned 22 this year! Oh goodness, where does time go? I remember starting this blog shortly after I had turned 16... what a lifetime ago that was. Twenty two hasn't held too many big things for me yet, other than the onset of "ohmygodwhatamIdoingwithmylife"-itus.

I continued my replenishment job through the week of my birthday, and then I switched to a cashier position! I'm still working at Michaels, and I have met some of the most awesome people that I luckily get to work with on an almost daily basis. I never would have thought that I would be able to come out of my shell working with the public. My anxiety still indeed does act up, but I am able to keep myself level so much more. With the help of my job, I am now able to hold, carry, and speak for myself as a human being. Something I had not been able to do before that. I was even the opening cashier on Black Friday...!

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated one year of being together. Shortly before our anniversary, though, I got the best present in the world. WE GOT ENGAGED! I have never had so many insta-tears while a giant smile broke through! Being in love like this is something I've never experienced before. We have yet to set a date for the wedding, but that will come soon after moving out. I am so excited to spend my life with my favorite person in the world!

It may not seem like a whole lot has happened for me this year, seeing as the normal drama bombs were no where to be found (thank goodness!), but honestly this year was such a magnificent achievement for me. I have never been so proud of myself.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy New Year.

-Alexa Marie

The first step of many

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.
Boys who left too soon,
boys who never cared,
boys who were more interested in anything other than me.
I've twisted my hate for them in more ways than I can count,
thinking over and over -
they didn't deserve what they got,
and they never got what they deserved.
But what difference would that make?
I can't go back in time and take his hand out of my underwear.
I can't change the words I said to them,
nor the words they said to me.
I can't change the feelings I thought I once had.
What I can change, though,
is the blame.
There is always going to be regret
for not just listening to, but believing lies;
for not standing up for myself;
and for having the "but it's going to be different than last time" mindset;
Though I am no longer shaming myself for trying to find solace.
The routes I took to find that solace were misguided and wrong -
and in hindsight, I see that.
But at the time, I swear, all I wanted was to be wanted, needed and cared for.
It came out as only needing to be told my tits looked great.
I may have made some bad judgments,
I may have made some bad decisions,
I may have made some bad friends.
But that doesn't make me, nor has it ever made me,
a bad person.
I am forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am forgiving myself for the way I have treated myself for those mistakes.
I am forgiving the men who were also misguided.
My Karma came through for me -
I'm letting their Karma take all my past hatred.

I'll shed you away one last time.

I realized I could recall your ghostly silhouette,

lightened by your television,

at four o'clock in the morning -

as you continued puking from the binge the night before.

I realized I could remember the smell of your cigarettes,

the ones you tried to make me smoke with you,

on your back porch 

in the pouring rain.

I realized I could recall the weight of your hand,

as your pressed it farther up my thigh

as you whispered -

"Shh, just friends."

I realized I could remember your laugh,

but now recalling that the nervousness in your tone

was from fear of being caught.

I remember all of these things,

much more vividly than I remember anything else about you.

I don't remember your birthday.

I don't remember the feeling of your lips.

I don't remember the color of your eyes.

I don't remember the color of your sheets.

I don't even remember the butterflies you once gave me.

It's time

How many times have I broken down from the thought of his control over my life? I've had his grip on my shoulder, realisically and figuratively, for fifteen years. a decade and a half of looking over my shoulder, of shuddering when I see him walk by, of avoiding my front porch as much as possible. I never chose for him to take what he took from me. I never asked him to torture me. I never agreed to any of it. It was out of my control. I have come so far in my recovery, I don't deserve being shut in this box anymore. He does not deserve my energy and emotions for something like this. I have always said that I don't blame anyone but him for what happened, so why do I keep pushing myself down? I was six years old. I didn't understand the severity of it all until it was too late. I didn't tell anyone because I was threatened not to. I refuse to keep blaming myself for something that I in no way had control over. I'm not going to victimize myself anymore. HE was the one that started it all. HE was the one that pushed me into darkness. HE was the one that took more from me than I can even comprehend. Not me. I did what I could to make it stop. I did what I could to survive as a young child with her world flipped upside down in the blink of an eye. And you know what? I did a pretty damn good job at surviving if you ask me. Yeah, I may be trying my hardest at 21 to get my life on track, and as much as I curse my life at times and as much as I sometimes wish it would all just stop, I know there's something beautiful on the other side. I need to do this for myself. I am better than this. I deserve more than this. And it starts today.

This Little Town

This little town has taken too much from me.
Broken bones on street corners,
broken hearts on bed sheets,
broken everything, in one way or another.
Shooting stars are the last bit of hope that I have,
11:11 popping up on the stove clock,
crossed fingers kissed for luck.
I've waited years to get away,
to leave this place behind me like the plague that it is.
Someone told me I couldn't escape my home,
that this hell will always be apart of me.
I try not to admit that I know they are right,
the sliver of glass that has wedged itself tightly into my heart
is the best example of the connection I keep to this place.
This little town continues to take from my sanity,
forcing my hands to cover my mouth.
I like it here.
I swear.

Update I guess

I've always thought that my life would be so much different that it is. To this day it bothers me that my life is so different than I've always wanted... different than I've always dreamed. I've always been so prideful about my independence but I've realized that the independence I used to love so much about myself no longer exists. I for some reason still refuse to accept help even when I know that I need it. I don't even really know what I'm trying to say, to be honest. I'm just scared about the future because of it's uncertainty. I wish I could say that I'm doing the things that I've always wanted to, like holding down a job, or going to school, or living in an apartment and things like that. I feel like I'm still living my life as a kid and I don't want to do that. I want to be the adult that I am and I'm so, so tired of not being able to figure out how to do that. My life has always bothered me, for obvious reasons, but as of lately my life has been bothering me more about the choices that I have been forced into making due to inevitable life circumstances. I've become too aware for my liking about the effects my past has had on my present and in turn my future. Everything is running through my head too quickly. My brain hurts. I can't keep overloading my mind again and again and hoping it won't explode. I'm just so goddamn frustrated.

A Very Strange Realization

I realized something the other day.
I had a gut feeling that I already know the person that I'm going to end up marrying.
Which is strange.. because I am now being driven up a wall trying to think
about who that person may be!
My mom also told me that when she was my age,
she knew that she didn't know the person that she was going to marry
(And she didn't. She didn't meet my dad until a few years later!)
It's weird.
Very, very weird.

If you are my future spouse, PLEASE TELL ME! hahaha :b