Darling, please

Darling, please, do not cry,
take my sleeve and dry your eyes.
I love you dearly, that is no surprise,
I'm doing my best, all I can do is try.

Darling, please, do not yell and shout,
I understand what your feelings are about.
I love you dearly, please never have a doubt,
all I wish is for my words to count.

Darling, please, do not let go -
there is so much time for you to grow.
I love you dearly, I just wanted you to know..

Ramble Writing 1

I want to tell you that no one will ever love you like I love you,
but that implies that you could possibly be unlovable at some point,
and that's not what I mean to say at all.
What I mean to say is that there is not a human being on this Earth
who could possibly have the same amount of love for you as I do,
because the amount of love I have for you couldn't be contained in all the galaxies combined.
Not a single person will ever come close to loving you in the way that I love you,
because I am fully convinced that I love you more than anyone has loved anything before.
I love you more than I can even put into proper words.
And that itself should say something.

Today Is Your Birthday

Today is your birthday,
and I do not wish to give you an object,
I do not wish to give you an item.
I wish, instead, to give you a gift,
one that could never be unwrapped,
but one that sits deep in your heart,
pulsing it's way through your body.
I wish to give you a present,
one so rare and hardly ever found,
that scholars from around the universe
will marvel at your discovery.
I wish to you give you a gift,
one that could never be held,
but one that you hold dear,
making you smile from head to toe.
I wish to give you a present,
one so beautiful and magnificent,
it will sparkle inside of you
for years to come.
Today is your birthday,
and I wish to give you the gift of love.
The gift of peace.
The gift of self-worth.
The gift of life.
Today is your birthday,
and you deserve to shine
like the diamond that you are.

I want to write about you

I want to write about you.

I want you to shine through my sentences,

glow with every 

single

word.

You have so much spark inside of you,

so many intriguing, intricate trails of gun powder

just waiting

to 

explode.

My words could never do you justice, 

not even the prettiest of syllables could compare.

I want to write about you.

I want to show you off to the entire world,

so they can all know how

incredible

you 

are.

I want to showcase your greatness,

brag to everyone I know,

because you have 

healed

every

scar.

My words will try so hard to do you justice,

I will use every pretty syllable to declare.

Perfection should not be searched for

When I was a kid, I never believed anyone if they told me perfection didn't exist.

In my head, it was never exactly an attainable object,

but perfection did exist, I just figured those who told me it didn't just hadn't found it yet.

I look back at the people who told me this -

Parents stuck in a loveless, frustrating marriage,

siblings with an outstanding cynical perspective of the world,

and friends, who obviously knew less about the world than I did, 

even at eleven years old.

As I aged, my perception on the good things in life drastically changed.

I was taken over by addiction, 

by horrible memories,

by a brain that was more interested in sabotaging anything that was good.

Some say I grew up.

I say I was torn apart.

Now, I see through the depths of the dirt and back again

was all that was needed to find perfection.

To find the one aspect of my life that made it complete.

My perfection is not a movie script,

it is not a song sung in the perfect tune.

It is not a sexy dress on a Saturday night,

it is not a sprinkler on a blazing hot day.

My perfection is a person,

who through their own life circumstances happened to fall perfectly in place with mine.

A man who simply by living has given me answers to questions I never even know I had.

My soul mate, who I didn't go searching for, who I never rushed or pushed into anything -

because I knew from the first time I looked at him,

this is what I have dreamed of,

this is the perfection everyone claimed didn't exist.

I will hold onto him for as long as I can.

I will hold onto my perfection.

I won't let it take you

To say that I am familiar with the darkness would be an understatement.
I know it as my best friend,
my lover,
my parent.
I know it as my downfall,
my poison,
my mental death.
I have years under my belt of the chaos the darkness has instilled in me -
I have scars, inside and out.
Watching someone you love be consumed by the same darkness is crippling,
almost as crippling as the grip it has had on me.
But I will try,
with guns raised and ammo in my pocket,
I will always try.
I rip away at every lose thread that I can -
IT CANNOT TAKE YOU,
IT CAN'T!
My frantic cries are no use,
the darkness pulls you out of my grip so easily.
All I want to do is hold you close,
wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be okay -
I know it will be, it has to be...
but how can you believe me?
The darkness is sitting even closer to you,
whispering all of the contradictions possible to every sweet word I say.
No matter what I try to hit it with,
it springs back into place,
because that's the tricky thing about the darkness...
it is always there,
it is always looming,
it is always calculating...
even after years of laying dormant.

Fire Starter

And if for just this moment,

I don't have to think

about a single thing 

other than your legs wrapped up in mine,

our connecting sweat,

and the immense love I have for you -

then let the passion ignite.

You.

You know what I want?
I want you.
I want your thoughts, your ideas.
I want your sleepy time kisses and your good morning smile.
I want your tickle attacks and your wheezing asthma.
I want your 'stupid logic' and your ham sandwiches.
I want your favorite freezing cold blanket and your Zelda obsession.
I want your car that hates me and your family that loves me.
I want everything about you.
I want you inside and out, backwards and forwards, head to toe.
I want you.
Every single part of you.

I Couldn't Have Wished For More

It's a gray, stormy night and I feel as if the clock is lying to me.
It's been only two hours since I kissed your face
but it seems like an eternity without you here.
I get caught up in each minute and I think I might explode -
I mean, my god, I just love you so very much.
My heart beats so quickly, sending vibrations down my rib cage
and I miss your hand on my lower back
and I miss your head on my stomach with your ear near my belly button.
I can imagine you tasting every last one of my freckles
but it just isn't the same without your lips on my neck,
I can hear your laughter and see your smile
and I feel as if you've died and I will never experience such beauty again.
You are ten minutes away but it seems like years,
I want you here and I want you now
and I want your hand to hold onto mine.
I want you to wipe these tears and tell me it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, you always promise me it will be okay,
and for the first time in my life I believe these words.
You are here even in my mind and you I can feel your smile
and I can feel your heartbeat and I can feel your love,
even from ten minutes or a lifetime away.
I will wait for you no matter the situation,
you are the love I have waited for,
you are the spark of my morning,
you are my favorite thing in the entire galaxy
and I wouldn't trade you for anything -
I love you, so very much.

You are my Sunshine

It was the day we stood in the rain.

I couldn't tell you the reasoning as to why 

I ran out of the garage and into the pouring Washington rain,

tears streaming down my face.

I stood there, quietly, by myself

with my head in my hands and slightly shaking from the cold.

Within less than a minute, I heard the door open and close behind me.

I turned around to see your face -

the look in your eyes and tension in your lips 

made it clear that you were a little more than worried.

You hugged me so tightly, and told me it would be okay.

It was then. It was that moment.

The gears in my head started turning,

letting go of all the misconceptions I had,

all of the fears I had that I was too much of a mess for you.

It is that exact gleam in your eyes that I still see to this day.

When we lay in your bed, arms and legs tangled into the perfect cuddle.

Or when we kiss and you lick my cheek.

When we have tickle fights and wait until the other person gives in first.

Or when our bodies press together, gently but passionately.

When irrational fears creep back in, I remember that moment.

The split second that started it all.

I fall in love with you more and more each day.

I fall in love with your smile, your laugh, your silly comments.

The compassion in your fingers as you run them down my spine.

I fall in love with your fascination with cars and your obsession with video games.

I fall madly in love with your existence, every bit of who you are,

who you were and who you strive to be.

It was that moment that I fell in love with you.

Nothing Short of Miracles

The time ticks on as I lay awake,
your sleeping body tangled in the space next to me.
My mind is swimming in a sea of thoughts -
only some of which will be granted explanations.
The last few weeks have opened my eyes
to a entirely different way of seeing how things work.

As my heart pounds on;
as you continue drifting through slumber;
and as the television plays reruns of shows almost forgotten;
we are together not in conscious reality -
but instead we share something so much more.
The wonders you are capable of making me feel
are nothing short of miracles.

The night carries itself into morning,
and my insomnia is greeted
by the eight a.m. Seattle drizzle,
a leg that is half asleep from lack of movement,
and good morning kisses
from the only man I know
who can leave me breathless.

The Big Surprise...!

Okay guys, I couldn't wait any longer to share the awesome news with you all!

Keep reading to find out!

HOLY HELL!

Once again, 

I am a complete failure when it comes to updating this! 

I feels so bad, not just because of my followers, 

but because this blog has gotten me through some tough times,

 and now I seem to be neglecting it more than ever before.

Well, some big things have happened in the last nearly two months!

I am currently dating the most amazing guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting!

His name is Matt, and he's a sailor!

I live in a Navy town, so that's not too strange (haha).

Here's some pictures we took at Red Robin a few weeks ago!

Isn't he adorable?!
:D

Life has been quiiiite interesting as of lately,

and it just keeps getting more and more crazy!

But luckily, this time it isn't bad crazy...

it's busy crazy, and that I can deal with.

I had a job for about two months,
but sadly the position I was filling is no longer available.

I have been writing this post for the last week!
I keep forgetting it's in my drafts -___-


I have some REALLY exciting news
that I will post either later today or tomorrow..!

Oh!
Guess what I get to see tonight?!
TITANIC 3D!!!!!
I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!


Alright guys,
stay tuned for my exciting news!

Take care everyone!

Soooo guess what!

So that cute boy and I are officially dating ^__^
We're keeping it off of facebook, though,
partly because my brother is on there...
heh.
But yessss, I have a boyfriend,
and he happens to be the boy I've had a giant crush on
since the first grade ;D
hahaha.

ALSO! I finished editing the pictures from this weekend! :D Go check out To Paint The Sky on facebook! (:
The pictures will probably be up on their page soon, so keep checking back to see them! (:

Take care everyone,
I'll be back at some point to write an actual writing (not just an update)
so stayed tuned for that (:

I want you to know

I want you to know that I'm trying. Trying to open myself up to you, trying to let you see the side of me that everyone else runs away from. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw us up. I like you far too much for that. I want you to know that you make me happy. So unbelievably happy. I can't not be in a good mood when we are together, and even though I miss you like crazy when we are apart, I just think about how awesome the next time we will see each other will be. I want you to know that I have some issues.. okay, quite a few issues.. but I am working on getting through them. I want you to know that I have a giant smile on my face right now, because I'm thinking about you. It's you, you, and you, in my head, at all times. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. You are everything I have ever dreamed of. You are the icing on the cake of this life that I have started to build for myself. You are everything to me. You are mine.

Weekend with my boy!

So this weekend was amazing. Not only was the weather absolutely perfect, but I got to spend the entire weekend with my boyfriend! It was pretty awesome, and after a minor slip up with the ferry, he came over to my side of the water and we went exploring on the beach at the end of my street! Summer is officially hereeee.. so here are some pictures from Saturday!

 

 

My favorite picture of the day is the crab on it's back. It was such an awesome day, and continued into an awesome weekend. Although I'm going home tomorrow, I know that it just means that we will have an awesome and amazing time next week when I'm here again!

I hope you blogger fellows know how happy I am. This whole thing is truly wonderful, and I can't wait to see where the summer takes us. I can't wait for everything to happen.. just.. AHHHH! It's going to be so amazing. So freaking amazing.

The Perfect... everything.

 

I guess you could say that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the cameras to come out, Ashton Kutcher to pop out of my closet and say, "YOU'VE BEEN PUNKKKKKED!" It's too perfect. My life right now, it's TOO perfect. I'm enjoying it to the best of my ability, and deep down I know that it's finally my turn. It's my chance to have atotally awesome, AMAZING romance. Well, so far, so good. Except for the whole "me worrying too much" thing that's going on in my head. I don't doubt his feelings. What has got me all confused is the situation. As I said, it's too perfect. So, maybe it's just my messed up thoughts, my horrid past, or maybe, I'm self sabotaging.. again. I do this way too often. Maybe I'm supposed to be a hopeless mess. But I just want to be with him. That's it. Just him. I can't go five minutes without him crossing my mind. I can't go six minutes without thinking about one of the many amazing times we've had together. I can't go seven minutes without wanting to be with him. But eight minutes, that's where it gets tough. That's when I smile. I smile SO big, because all those thoughts combine into one and I am just overcome with happiness. That's what triggers the thoughts of "it will be okay." Those eight minutes of not even being with him, but imagining he was here with me. My problem is two things. One, I've been screwed over ten too many times, and I'm scared shitless of what will happen if someone actually treats me well. And two, I'm also scared of being happy. I'm absolutely terrified of it. I've hid in my little shell of depression for so many years, TOO many years, and I started to come out of it by myself and then baaaaam! He shows up. Just in time, because if I had gotten together with him any time sooner, it wouldn't have been the right time. I feel like it's the same with him, too. That we also got together at the perfect time in his life. Throughout reading this I've realized that I need to confront my fears. Because he is literally everything I've ever wanted, wrapped up into the cutest person. So I'll take it slow, realize that he's probably just as scared as I am, given everything, and that I need to open up the lines of communication, which we've already done a pretty fantastic job at. For the first time ever I don't feel like I need someone. I don't need him. But goddammit, I want him. I want every single part of him.

Deep Down

 

I am stripping myself clean of the insecurities that rule my life. My life is going quite amazing as of lately, and I'm sitting here worrying about what will go wrong. Deep down I have this gut feeling that nothing will actually go wrong, but there's all those other times running through my head. I have vowed to make this summer an amazing one, and my dad is throwing a wrench into those promises I've made for myself, plus my anxiety taking over... again. I want nothing more than to rid myself of everything that makes me think this way. The first step is taking more chances. I've already done quite a few with my boyfriend, even if they are little ones. I love the fact that he has faith in me. He believes that I can overcome all of this bullshit that goes on in my head, and he's made it clear that he's there for me ever step of the way. God, why is this kid so awesome? I hope he knows how much he means to me. I just cannot wait until this summer. The weather today is kind of being a tease, and this weekend is supposed to be around 75º! How awesome? I get to spend the entire day tomorrow with my man. Oh, on a side note.. I let him into a part of me last night that few have ever seen before. I read him some of the poetry I wrote when I was freshman in high school, and I read him about a total of two pages from the book I wrote. The book isn't that big of a deal, considering they started as blogs on myspace, so many people have read those words.. but the fact that I was on the phone with him, reading these things, with nothing but silence on the other end.. then, his reaction. The best reaction anyone could have ever given. I told him once he reads my book, he will probably see me as completely insane, but he doesn't believe me. I love that. I love that he doesn't believe the negative things I believe about myself. Ohhhh god, please let this last. I really, really, REALLY like him.. and for once, he really, really, REALLY likes me.

It Is

It's the way you kiss me on the top of my head. It's the words you say to me. It's the amazing way that we literally walk at exactly the same pace. It's the fact that you believe in me, no matter what I may be doing. It's the amazing butterflies I get when I see you, or even talk to you. It's how fast everything has happened, yet how much I trust it. It's the walks we take in the middle of the night, arms wrapped around each other. It's the way that we have intellectual conversations, something that most people I know can't do. It's the thought of how amazing it will be. It's the smile on your face when you catch me doing that little shiver thing. It's the fact that I don't care what anyone else has to say. It's the challenge that we will endure being a ferry ride apart. It's the way that you never judge me, even at my worst moments. It's the truth that we can speak to each other, without even having to open our mouths. It's the look in your eyes when you want to kiss me. It's the adrenaline rush I get when you flip me underneath you. It's the fact that I finally, for the first, feel like I can function around a person that I really like. It's the truth when I say that I'm not scared of you hurting me, because I truly don't see that happening. It's the littlest things you do that drive me completely wild. Mostly, it's the fact that we are together. Together with our minds, bodies and souls. I feel like this is the amazing start to something wonderful, and you better get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere.

Boyfrannn! Plus Folk Life!

Bloggers, meet Dillon! This is my boyfriend... and he's kind of awesome. Yesterday a bunch of us went to Folk Life! It's like a massive hippie fest in Seattle haha. We went with my friend Kimberly, her friend Taylor, plus Dillon's friend Willie. It was a lot of fun, BUT... I forgot my camera. OH MY GOD. I have never been so upset! And it really didn't help that I saw a bajillion and a half REALLY nice cameras while we were there, which just reminded me that I, in fact, did not have my baby camera. Anyways... It got pretty bad at some points with my anxiety, considering there's thousands of people at Seattle Center, so you get butt rubbed by random people and you're pretty much diving face first into a crowd of people (Which, if you didn't know, is HORRIBLE for me and my thought process for my anxiety) Overall it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow he might be driving me back to my dad's.. SAD.. but then we'd get to spend the whole day together! Then Saturday he said he would probably make a trip over there. Oh goodness! So he's going to the Boyce Family Campout with me! EEEEE! I'm so excited for this guys (: I think it's going to be a great summer...