I'll never let go. I promise.

It is no surprise to anyone that has known me, at any point in my life, that I struggle with quite a few mental disorders. Over the last two years, I have worked harder than I ever have to banish them to the back of my skull and live my life. My fiance has been a huge part of this for me, he has given me more courage and support than anyone else, and with him by my side I feel as if I could take on the world (but in a level headed, non-manic way).

I have known since I first met my fiance that he struggles with severe depression. Us both having mental disorders scared the crap out of me at first - surely, if no stable minded (hah! yeah right..) ex boyfriend of mine could handle my "craziness", a man with his own mental chaos would have that much more of a hard time handling things, right?

My fiance explained it to me, within the first week of our relationship, as this: "We are more of an A-frame, we will hold each other up rather than pulling each other down." This explanation made a lot of sense, and up until a month or two ago, it was working.

In the last two years, certain things have happened that completely boggle my mind - I can't understand how I have managed to stay standing, how I haven't broken down from the stress. I have felt as if I am on a very, very small edge though - like all it's going to take is that one thing that sets me off and I will fall down.

Lately, my fiance's depression has been creating a wedge between us. I have run out of ideas on how to help - he's terrified to open up to me and to talk, but when either of us bottles things up, regardless if they are about the other person or not, we will start bickering. It breaks my heart because I want to be there for him; I want to be his shoulder to cry on. I want him to know that nothing can ever push me away because I will fight for him; I will fight with him. I will do anything to see his real smile, and I will never give up on getting it.

It has become so frustrating - in a "four year old throwing a tantrum for not getting their way" manner - seeing him succumb to the darkness in his head. I love my fiance, and I hate to see him so low. The head spaces he finds himself in are all to reminiscent of what I used to experience - and that scares me, for his sake. That darkness is a place I wouldn't wish upon anyone; not even an enemy. To be so lost within darkness, within your own mind, is terrifyingly comforting. It is the devil taunting you with diamonds.

Having to stand on the sidelines while watching this happen is something I've never had to do before, at least not involving the most important person in my life. I care about my fiance more than anyone in the world, all I want to do is hold him and magically love all the darkness away. I know first hand that it doesn't work that way, and that's what frustrates me more than anything. I know damn well I can't do anything - but that's not good enough. I have to do something. But what?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I will continue figuring it out until the day I die, because nothing will keep me from the love of my life. I will forever be the right side of his A-frame.





(Note: I understand you could all figure out who my fiance is very easily, but for the sake of the subject of this post I decided to leave out his name.)

I figured I should post this...

My Engagement Ring

I figured after my post last night, I should share a picture of my ring :) Pictures don't even come close to describing how beautiful it is. It looks very vintage, with a circle center stone and a halo cut ring of smaller diamonds around it, with two diamonds on the sides. I'm such a lucky girl for so many reasons :3!

2013

Well, here it is once again. I am continuing my (sort of) tradition of writing essentially a reflection of the nearly finished year. Well.. here we go.

2013 has been quite the year for me. Usually when I say words along those lines, there is a negative connotation behind it. This year, not a single bit. This year has, without a doubt, been the most exhilarating year I think I have ever experienced. So much has happened, so many lessons have been learned, so many goals have been achieved... 

In January, just a few days into the near year, I gave my boyfriend a small pill container that held five or so blades. I have not self injured since that day. I am almost back at one year clean, and although I am still slightly saddened that I slipped up after three years, I am so proud of myself for making the commitment to stop. 

I moved in at my boyfriend's house, and we are in the process of looking for our own place before March of 2014. Moving in with my boyfriend's family was an amazing step, it not only brought me and my boyfriend closer, but it brought me and his family closer as well. On top of that, mine and my dad's relationship evened out with a considerable change. We started getting along (for the most part) for the first time in my life. My mom and I are still working things out, but it is slowly getting better.

I strengthened a lot of good friendships this year. My two closest friends have proven to me so much this year that they are amazing people. I have also weeded out 'bad' friends, and taken more steps to become closer to those that I wanted to be friends with. My brother and I have become closer this year. We talk on a normal basis, give each other hugs when we see each other, make plans to hang out - he even came over to my side of the water (that's an hour bus and an hour long ferry for him) to celebrate my birthday with me. I also become closer with a lot of my extended family. Although I have always been close with my cousins, I began to see a side of a few of my cousins that I have never seen before. They started opening up to me more and more.

In May, I got my first job in nearly three years. I worked as a replenishment associate (aka, I was an after hours stocking and cleaning elf) at Michaels craft store. Within a week of getting my job, I got my license. I was so hesitant to get my license for five years because I was terrified of driving, but my oh so patient boyfriend helped me outside of my comfort zone. I then got a car, my turquoise go-go-mobile fully equipped with Yoshi and Koopa plushies, oh, and Togepi too! 

My boyfriend was able to come to my family's annual Campout with me, where he blended in so perfectly and I got the 500% approval rating from my family that he was a really great guy. (Which I of course already knew!)

I turned 22 this year! Oh goodness, where does time go? I remember starting this blog shortly after I had turned 16... what a lifetime ago that was. Twenty two hasn't held too many big things for me yet, other than the onset of "ohmygodwhatamIdoingwithmylife"-itus.

I continued my replenishment job through the week of my birthday, and then I switched to a cashier position! I'm still working at Michaels, and I have met some of the most awesome people that I luckily get to work with on an almost daily basis. I never would have thought that I would be able to come out of my shell working with the public. My anxiety still indeed does act up, but I am able to keep myself level so much more. With the help of my job, I am now able to hold, carry, and speak for myself as a human being. Something I had not been able to do before that. I was even the opening cashier on Black Friday...!

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated one year of being together. Shortly before our anniversary, though, I got the best present in the world. WE GOT ENGAGED! I have never had so many insta-tears while a giant smile broke through! Being in love like this is something I've never experienced before. We have yet to set a date for the wedding, but that will come soon after moving out. I am so excited to spend my life with my favorite person in the world!

It may not seem like a whole lot has happened for me this year, seeing as the normal drama bombs were no where to be found (thank goodness!), but honestly this year was such a magnificent achievement for me. I have never been so proud of myself.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy New Year.

-Alexa Marie

Darling, please

Darling, please, do not cry,
take my sleeve and dry your eyes.
I love you dearly, that is no surprise,
I'm doing my best, all I can do is try.

Darling, please, do not yell and shout,
I understand what your feelings are about.
I love you dearly, please never have a doubt,
all I wish is for my words to count.

Darling, please, do not let go -
there is so much time for you to grow.
I love you dearly, I just wanted you to know..

Ramble Writing 1

I want to tell you that no one will ever love you like I love you,
but that implies that you could possibly be unlovable at some point,
and that's not what I mean to say at all.
What I mean to say is that there is not a human being on this Earth
who could possibly have the same amount of love for you as I do,
because the amount of love I have for you couldn't be contained in all the galaxies combined.
Not a single person will ever come close to loving you in the way that I love you,
because I am fully convinced that I love you more than anyone has loved anything before.
I love you more than I can even put into proper words.
And that itself should say something.

You.

You know what I want?
I want you.
I want your thoughts, your ideas.
I want your sleepy time kisses and your good morning smile.
I want your tickle attacks and your wheezing asthma.
I want your 'stupid logic' and your ham sandwiches.
I want your favorite freezing cold blanket and your Zelda obsession.
I want your car that hates me and your family that loves me.
I want everything about you.
I want you inside and out, backwards and forwards, head to toe.
I want you.
Every single part of you.

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago, I met a guy that changed my life forever. We dated, for a very short period of time, but we stayed in touch after that. We have been through ups and downs, fights and the exact opposite of that, and in the midst of it all, I fell madly in love with him. I don’t mean the kind of love that everyone says they have for people. Or the kind of love that is awesome and amazing. I mean the kind of love that is so raw, so real, that nothing else can match it. He saw into the depths of my mind, and it’s almost freaked me out how well he knew me. It was a huge mess from the very beginning, and we both knew it. I wasn’t emotionally stable to handle feelings of that magnitude, and he was just.. not ready, either. Him and I reached the end of our long and winding road the other day, though. It turns out that you really can’t trust people, even the ones you love and who love you back (apparently.) I would have given him the world if he had let me. But he broke, or more like annihilated, my heart for the third and final time. He will always have a place in my heart, and he will occupy the thoughts in my head for quite some time, I’m sure. Other than that, he has no place in my life whatsoever. I absolutely refuse to allow him back into my world, time after time, when he does this so often. I know he’ll never read this, but for what it’s worth, I hope he knows he’s an amazing guy and he could have all that he’s wanted and dreamed of… if he only accepted that people feel things other than hate. He can live his life any damn way he wants. I just hope he realizes that I will never be apart of it again. He burned too many bridges this time. I’d like to think that I mean enough to him that if he DID know that, it would finally get into his head. But I don’t think either of those things are going to happen. I’m finally saying goodbye, a year later. I know I will come back to him, in my mind at least, but he can’t do this to me anymore. He can’t play with something that he refuses to accept. My heart has become a marionette on tender, bloody strings. And that’s just not acceptable to me anymore.

I want to tell you everything

I want to tell you how crazy you make me, but how it's the good kind of crazy. I want to tell you how you still, over half a year later, give me butterflies - even when I'm just thinking about you. I want to tell you that I love sleeping next to you. I want to tell you that everything that's happened between us has only made us stronger, in my eyes, at least. I want to tell you that I love who I am when I'm around you. I want to tell you that you occupy the majority of my thoughts. I want to tell you that sometimes, life has a funny way of working out. I want to tell you that a second chance is all I really want for the new year. I want to tell you that I love you. I'm more certain of that then I am of anything else at the moment. I've tried pushing you out of my thoughts because I thought it was over, but there's nothing I can do when I feel this strongly towards you. I love you. I've never said that to anyone face to face before, but that's my plan the next time I see you. Good god... I really love you.