In All Honesty

There are many times, like right now, when I wish that I had something to believe in. As I tell anyone who asks, "I don't believe in conformed religion, but I accept it." This meaning that I personally do not feel it right for me to put limits on what I to believe, but I think that everyone has the right and should be able to believe that anything that they want. Well every once in a while I get in this funk where I think that it would be really nice to have something to fall back on. Then I remember why I don't agree with conformed religion and I get back on track, but if part of me thinks about it... hm. I don't know. Maybe I need to re-evaluate some things.

Invisible

If you knew me, truly, 100% knew me, you would know that I am an invisible person. People don't remember my name, let alone my face. It is safe to say that to most people, I am a nobody. That's to everyone else. To myself I am a somebody. I cannot stress that enough. I know that I have a lot to offer people and if some people can't see that, that's not my problem. More so then ever I feel like I should be alive. For the longest time, more than a few years, to be exact, I was ready and willing to give up. Nothing was going to stop me from ceasing my life. That was then. I am proud to say, more than anything, that I am alive. Perhaps all this... everything, that is happening right now (and by that I mean things I have not shared with all of you yet) is a "reward" so to speak for coming out alive. I mean, what if? What if this is finally my moment? The last week or so has had me felt amazing, as messed up as that sounds, and I'm sort of hoping that this is all real. I cannot get my hopes up, because then I will just let down if it turns out the other way, but part of me hopes that this is the good thing I've been waiting for, for so long. Part of me hopes that my life is finally starting.

A Love/Hate Relationship

Something has been on my mind a lot lately. I can't shake this feeling of just wanting to leave. To pack up my things and buy a one way plane ticket to anywhere and forget about what anyone says. I want to start a new life in a new place as the new person I have become. I want to sip hot chocolate in a coffee shop where not a single person has seen my face before. I want to fall in love with a new city, a new state, a new life. I can't stand Seattle anymore. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it here. Although I love it, there's just something that draws me away from it. I don't really want to be here anymore. I feel like there's nothing for me here. Yet all the while as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about a person or two. Maybe I'm not ready to leave, maybe I need to stay here until I see things through. Honestly, though, it would be so much more fun to just leave. I don't want to think about anything anymore. I just want to do what feels right.

I get really upset when the people that tell you that 

"you always come first no matter what," 

don't show it. 

Really? 

Don't say that if you aren't going to prove it.

The Campout

Well, as some of you may know, my family campout is this week. In fact, it starts today. Sadly, you will not find me packing up the car, blasting music on the way up to the campsite, or setting up a tent. For the first time in 20 years, I will not be going. (Yes, my extended family and I have been camping ever year for about a week at various locations since I was ten months old.) I am trying not to really think about it, but it's pretty hard. I'm more than happy to help my mom move this weekend, which is the reason why I can't go, and I thought that I wouldn't be this depressed about not being able to go. I just wish that I could do both. Go up for the week and help my mom move this weekend, but the fun stuff ALWAYS happens on Saturday night... and Saturday is when my mom has to move. I know there's always next year, but it's just really sad that this year is the 20th anniversary of the Boyce Family Campout, and I won't be there. I hope that this rain and thunder subsides for everyone, and that my family has a great time. I'll be thinking about everyone this week.

20th Birthday

So my 20th birthday is coming up in less than a month and a half, and while some might say it's too early to start planning things, I say it just gives me time to plan and for people to make sure they'll  be there! Here's the thing: I don't know what the heck to do for it! It's my goodbye to these teenage years, so I really want to do something awesome, but nothing near "partying until everyone blacks out" because I don't find that to be awesome. I wanted to go on a trip somewhere, but unfortunately a lack of money is keeping me from doing so. If you guys have ANY ideas of what I should do locally for my birthday, please let me know! I'm thinking something along the lines of getting dressed up for dinner or something, or maybe, if I can get the confidence, going clubbing? I don't know! Please give me ideas! (:

And Here We Go Again...

 

Yesterday was a lovely day. I walked down to the ferry, rode it over to Seattle, and met up with my friend. I've known this friend for five years or so, but we never really hung out much. We talked, alllllll the time,  but  our schedules just never seemed to coincide. Well, a few days ago he brought up going on a photo adventure. At first I agreed, then I backed out the day before due to my anxiety. I confessed later that day that I was extremely anxious to meet up with him. Secret reason why: I have a sizable crush on him. I know he used to like me, and I used to like him as well, but other people came and went and we never acted on anything. (Ironically, a song we were talking about yesterday just came on the music video segment I'm watching on VH1) Now, though, we've been talking a lot and making more plans to hang out. I did tell him last night (through facebook, of course) that I had a crush on him, and he said that it was nothing to be anxious about. I hope that means something good! BUT of course there's something that makes this a little more difficult than it seems. Here's the catch: I met one of my most recent exes through him. And he is like best friends with this ex. AND he's going to be living with said ex. I have no issues with this, because what's done is done and my ex and I have nothing between us anymore. Even so, I feel as if it's going to put a kink in things. If there even is going to be "things." UGH why am I doing this. I get ahead of myself every single time! Okay, time to put the brakes on things. This guy is really awesome, he and I always have an amazing time when we hang out, even if it's not that often. And I technically already have the approval of one of my closest cousin's, since I met this guy through him! Haha! But yes, I need to just take a step back and let things go as they should. That's all I really can do.. so why try to force things? I'm really hoping things go the way I want them to, though...!

Getting Out Alive

I wandered through a dark, empty alley.
I could smell the stale air,
and feel the dampness of the night.
Not wanting to be there was no longer a thought.
I was there, and there wasn't much I could do about it.
My heart pounded in my chest
and I wondered if I would get out alive.
Living.
What a strange concept.
For the longest time I wouldn't have cared too much if I had lived.
But right here, right now,
I did.
I knew I couldn't let my mind slip back to that place,
so I continued to drift through the alley,
hoping to find a piece of truth,
or a fragment of possibility.
There was this faint sound
coming from the back corner.
The pavement below my feet was cold,
and I could almost feel the freezing concrete
through my shoes.
I continued to walk towards the sound,
and it grew louder and louder
until it sounded like I was right next to it.
I looked around,
behind trash cans
and underneath garbage bags.
I moved a trash can
and froze.
I saw a little girl,
no older than six,
sitting in the damp alley way.
She must have been too cold for words,
seeing as she was curled up on the pavement.
The same pavement that had been too cold for even my shoes.
I bent down to see if she was okay,
and when she turned her face towards mine,
tears instantly grew in the corners of my eyes.
I backed away,
not wanting to see what was truly before me.
I started to walk towards the entrance to the alley,
and amazingly enough,
nothing held me back.
I thought for certain
that hands would emerge from the walkway
and grab at my feet until I fell.
But no such thing happened.
So I walked onto the street,
and made my way back home.
I continued on with my life,
only thinking about the little girl in my most depressed times,
because I know,
I truly know,
that she will get out alive.

Some Shameless Self Promoting

Hey everyone! I'll get straight to the point. Here's the deal. My dad is flying back to New Jersey in the beginning of October for his high school reunion, and I have the opportunity to go with him. The problem is? I don't have any money to help fund my trip! My grandparents and a ton of my family on my dad's side live in NJ, and I haven't seen my grandparents in over THREE years, and some other family in over TEN! I really, really want to go! So here's what I'm asking:

This is my photography page!
I'm trying to sell prints, schedule shoots, and have everyone spread the word of my site.
I have very reasonable prices, and I hope all of you (I can ship worldwide!) will purchase a print,
and any of you that happen to be in the Seattle area will schedule a shoot!
Please see my photography page (specifically the "note" that says "I need some help, guys!")
for more details!

I really hope you can all help me out a bit!
Thanks in advance for anything you guys can do! (:

Take care everyone

Plenty of Time for Kisses

Our bodies pressed together. Your heart, beating so heavily, keeping the rhythm with my nervous organ. You traced my scars, connected my freckles, and kissed my delicate skin. You whispered things that would never leave my head. Beautiful things that kept my hopes up in the best way possible. The sea of sheets and blankets that surrounded us made it feel like we would never have to leave. As if the vast "ocean" stretched on forever, and it was all we could do to stay afloat, let alone swim to shore. I liked it this way. We had each other, no one else, and that was all we needed. I told you that I was tired, and you gave way to a slight, shy smile. You told me to lay my head down on your shoulder, and I was free to sleep there if I pleased. Was this even real? It was too perfect. I wanted to sleep, but I also wanted to kiss you, non stop, for the next three days. I decided to at least try to sleep, since there would be plenty of time for kisses. Trying to sleep was a failure, for I was laughing too much from the topic of conversation. The night grew quiet and we laid in silence. The patterns on the wall from the headlights from the street were our entertainment, and the sounds of the cars rushing by kept us awake. The clock ticked away, and we laid there for what seemed like hours, until the sweat that connected us was no longer prevalent.

Friends (Rant)

I'm getting really sick and tired of fake friends. I bend over backwards for my friends when things "go wrong" in their lives, yet when something happens to me? No way are they there for me. For those of you who don't know, my mom is being kicked out of her current apartment. Her landlord told her she has to be out by August 1st. She has no job, which means no money, which means no place to go. I'm stressed as hell because my mom is stressed out, and I just want to do something to help and I can't. On top of this, my grandmother has stage four lung cancer. Now, that's all pretty heavy to have happen within the last two weeks. All I asked was for a "friend" to come over today to help distract me for a little while. But no. She was "too tired" to do that. Yet when her boyfriend broke up with her a few days ago, I was right there for her. I tried to get her to come over to my house (since she drives and I don't) and she said she would let me know. Did she? No. I didn't find out she couldn't come over until the next day. Yeah, that works out real well. It's always excuses, fake apologies, and other bullshit. Mostly from this one "friend" but from others too. I really don't ask for much from my friends. To hang out is not a lot to ask. Especially when I'm really needing my friends. You guys hear that? FRIENDS. That's what friends do. They hang out with one another, they are there for each other when they need each other. I seriously don't know who to count on besides Leslie, who lives in Michigan (I'm in Seattle for those who forgot) and Allison. But Allison is going to college soon, and won't be on my side of the water anymore. It really just pisses me off how everyone expects me to be there, waiting on them 24/7 for something to happen in their lives, yet as soon as something happens in mine, it's "sorry /: that sucks" SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? Good god.

Confused, Headachey and Tired

It was just one of those days. The kind when nothing really makes sense, you have some-what of a headache, and you just can't stop yawning. I had gone to the store, but that didn't really do much for me. Although I was confused, headachey and tired, I wanted to do something. I wanted to break out of this prison-like house and run free. In all seriousness I would have taken just about anything over sitting at home for the last four hours. Then I started to think about what I really wanted to do, and it hit me. Like a ton of bricks falling from the sky, it hit me. I quite simply just wanted to live. I didn't want to hide behind a shield of anxiety. I didn't want the excuses to pour from my mouth like verbal vomit. I wanted someone, for once, to care about the fact that I was having a quite frankly, very shitty week, and ask me to do something. Something wild, something fun. Something that I wouldn't normally do. Then, instead of hands shaking and a bowling ball sized knot building in my stomach, I would agree to go. Without even second guessing myself. I would get dressed, grab my purse and my camera, and head out the door. I wouldn't look back, to make sure that I hadn't forgotten anything, or double.. triple.. okay, quadruple check that my wallet was indeed in my purse. I thought about how I was only stopping myself, but then when I really thought about it, I figured out my real reasoning about why I'm so scared to do what I truly want to do. I have recently revived myself from the dead, so to speak. Within the last year or so I have picked myself up out of the grave I had dug for myself, and I finally took the right path. After years and years of continuously falling whenever I tried to stand, I had essentially fought off my demons, by myself. I want so badly to just move forward, but there will always be those shaking hands and that bowling ball sized knot in my stomach. I cannot take a chance that I will end up back where I was. I know from my own experiences that when I push myself too far, bad things happen. Especially when I get overwhelmed. Unfortunately, not taking the chance of being back where I was means not taking any chances period. It's heartbreaking that I cannot do the things I want to do in life. Here I am, nearly twenty years old, with no job, no license, a newly-acquired high school diploma but no other schooling, and no current goals to really change any of that. I truly wish that I could be who I want to be. No anxiety, no fear of people, no pits of depression then off the wall manic episodes. I honest to god just want to function like a human being. I don't want to be perfect. I don't even want to be normal anymore. I just want to be able to leave my house without the overwhelming fear that something horrible is going to happen to me, or that someone is going to say something about me, or that someone will even look at me the wrong way and send me into a paranoid frenzy. I just want, more than anything, to not have to worry so damn much. It's easier said than done, and if you have ever experienced what I'm talking about, then you know I have a lot of work to do before I can overcome all this.

Better Success Rates

I waited for the sun to set.
But it seemed that no matter how long I stared
at the flickering glow
it never seemed to fully go away.
The glow was always there.

You said that I had sad eyes.
How exactly does that happen?
People say your eyes are a gateway to your soul.
So, does that mean I have a sad soul as well?

I tried so hard to push your memory
out of my mind.
It was nearly impossible, though.
Considering you have overtaken about 98% of my memory.
Though nearly impossible has better success rates
then completely impossible.

You could have told me
that there was a mountain made of Pringle cans
in the vast lands of Ireland.
Honestly I probably would have believed you.
I took in every word you said
like I needed them to breathe.
That was one of many mistakes.

I was fired from my job
at the exact same time I was trying to quit.
Kind of like cigarettes.
Though cigarettes had never yelled at me
for stealing paper clips.

I stared at the memories
that gathered on my shelf.
Like dust, they piled up and were forgotten about
until one day that shelf gets wiped clean.

Don't waste your time here,
it will only hurt you in the end.
I wanted him to know
that nothing he said would convince me
that he was different.
I knew in my heart he was the same.

The guy on the infomercial
was screaming at me.
"BUT WAIT! Call in the next ten minutes
and we will DOUBLE your offer!"
"justpayseparateshippingandhandling"
They said that I would also receieve a free oven mitt AND a free toothbrush,
but that little clock counting down in the corner
put way too much pressure on me.

I walked home after a horribly long night.
My eyes were going cross-eyed
and I figured it was time to go to sleep.
I kissed my cat goodnight
And retired to my room.
I wish it was for the rest of my life
but for the rest of the night
would certainly be okay.

I Told Myself

 

I told myself that this would be a great summer. I told myself that I wouldn't let anything get me down. I told myself that I would make sure this last year as a teenager would be fantastic. So far, none of it is working out. This summer so far has been filled with letdowns and bad news. Letting things get me down is the least of my worries right now, but sadly I am indeed letting them. It's a normal reaction, though, in my opinion at least. The fact that I turn twenty in less than two months means that I will no longer be a teenager. I thought this last year as a "non-adult yet still an adult" would be awesome. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I have said this so many times, and it's always been true. My life is at a stand-still. Where to go, what to do, what to say... None of it makes any sense. I guess you could say that I'm just as confused as ever, trying to make it through life with no concept of what I'm doing. I just want to have a good time this summer, letting go of my worries (which I have a lot of right now) and just living. But... I don't know how. My problem is that. I never know how.

Happy 4th of July!

Happy Fourth, everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful but safe night tonight! Fireworks will be awesomeeee, I can't wait. I'm going to take a bajillion pictures tonight. I'm really excited! Again, I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful night tonight! Take care everyone, try not to get tooooo drunk (;

A Summer Adventure

As I was clicking through videos on youtube, I ran across this one. I've heard the song before, but this video really started to make me think. (Click "this video" to see it) I realized how badly I want a summer adventure. I'm talking road trips, theme parks, staying up too late, good music and horror movies, entirely too much fun and pictures to prove it all. I want this summer to go down in my memory as the best summer of my teenager years, and considering it's the summer before I turn twenty, that would be very fitting. I just don't want this summer to end up like every other summer. I want excitement, adventure, just.. fun. I cannot express how much that needs to happen. I feel like my mind is slipping. I need something like this to bring me back to reality.

Please take a second to read this

I found out today that someone extremely close to me has a form of cancer. She is at stage four right now, and it scares the shit out of me that I don't know what's going to happen. This person has been apart of my life literally since the day I was born. I don't know what to do. I have burst into tears five separate times today, and I don't know how long I can hold it together. I cannot lose her.. I just can't. I really just hope that she gets better, for her own sake as well as everyone else's.. but Jesus Christ this is so scary. I'm asking a simple favor from you guys. Please, just take a second to send happy thoughts towards my family. I'm not religious at all, but if you are, please take another second to pray for her. This is a really tough time for my family, and I didn't know what else to do.. other than ask you guys for a little emotional help. This came as a complete shock, seeing as this person has been pretty healthy. I just need you guys to take those seconds and do that for me.. please. That's all I'm asking..

I know I ask you guys for happy thoughts somewhat often, but really, we truly need them right now. 

My Brother, Nick

This is my brother, Nick, and I. This picture was taken in November of 2008, and it was the first picture we had of JUST us since we were under the age of ten. Our relationship has been quite the rocky one, especially throughout my mid-teen years. In the last year or so, though, things have gotten so much better between us. We are actually talking, and not just when we have to. My brother is the king of "Meh" (seriously, I got him a black shirt with white writing that just says "meh." on it!) so pretty much every time you try to talk to him, it starts with a shrug of his shoulders, and ends with "meh" and then he walks away. Recently, though, we have been getting along a lot better, andddd he will actually engage in a conversation with me. Then today I went to his bedroom door, and asked if he wanted to walk down to Mcdonalds and get some snacks with the six bucks I had. He surprisingly said "Yeah sure, cool" or something along those lines. So we walked down to Mcdonalds (it's only like a two block walk) and we talked the entire way there! It was really cool. We talked about movies, since he works at the theater, and we agreed that James Cameron is a sell out for re-releasing Titanic in 3-D next year (Mr. Cameron... HOW COULD YOUUU?!) I got him a double cheeseburger (he insisted he didn't want anything else) and fries and a root beer for myself. He thanked me, and we walked back to my mom's place and again, we talked (this time mostly) the whole way home. When we got inside I thanked him for walking down there with me, and said "Oh of course, thanks for the cheeseburger!" (again, or something along those lines). It's really nice that we are building up an "adult relationship" so-to-speak. I'm glad that we are able to only somewhat awkwardly walk to Mcdonalds together!