The answer has always been there, it just took so long for me to see it

I cannot blame myself for the mistakes I made in the past.

I need to let go of the self guilt for being naive.

The way I was treated by some, was wrong.

But I didn't know any better, and once I did know better,

I took the necessary steps to take care of myself.

The way I treated myself, was wrong.

But I'm learning the right ways to love myself.

The decisions I made that let to horrible consequences, were wrong.

But that doesn't make me wrong for making them.

Once I saw how those consequences effected me and those around me,

I stopped making those decisions. 

The first step of many

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.
Boys who left too soon,
boys who never cared,
boys who were more interested in anything other than me.
I've twisted my hate for them in more ways than I can count,
thinking over and over -
they didn't deserve what they got,
and they never got what they deserved.
But what difference would that make?
I can't go back in time and take his hand out of my underwear.
I can't change the words I said to them,
nor the words they said to me.
I can't change the feelings I thought I once had.
What I can change, though,
is the blame.
There is always going to be regret
for not just listening to, but believing lies;
for not standing up for myself;
and for having the "but it's going to be different than last time" mindset;
Though I am no longer shaming myself for trying to find solace.
The routes I took to find that solace were misguided and wrong -
and in hindsight, I see that.
But at the time, I swear, all I wanted was to be wanted, needed and cared for.
It came out as only needing to be told my tits looked great.
I may have made some bad judgments,
I may have made some bad decisions,
I may have made some bad friends.
But that doesn't make me, nor has it ever made me,
a bad person.
I am forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am forgiving myself for the way I have treated myself for those mistakes.
I am forgiving the men who were also misguided.
My Karma came through for me -
I'm letting their Karma take all my past hatred.

My Changes

Last night, I wrote out a list of the things I felt I needed to start working on or continue working on. Well, it turned into more of a list of how I feel I should live my life (of sorts) and I really like how it came out. This is my list:

• Take better care of myself
• Take the time to take care of myself
• Try to feel presentable rather than over think judgement
• Keep my nails trimmed, cleaned and polished (even with clear, just to protect them)
• Invest in properly fitted bras
• Take myself more seriously
• Work out all of my priorities
• Save money
• Wear what makes me feel comfortable and pretty
• Keep my wallet and purse organized
• Try to keep to a better sleep schedule 
• Work on my penmanship
• Keep clothes organized and put away
• Stay on top of laundry
• Eat better
• Make healthier choices
• Take a few minutes a day to meditate
• Recognize my mistakes and apologize in the moment
• Recognize injustice and confront it in the moment
• Stand up for myself and my beliefs
• Stay away from the blade
• Write more letters, keep in touch with out of town and out of state friends and relatives
• Take note and learn about my car
• Learn to cook more
• Bake more cookies (why not?)
• Take pride in myself and my belongings
• Take care of my friendships and relationships
• Stay grounded
• Don't let anxiety control the situation
• Leave the past in the past

It's time

How many times have I broken down from the thought of his control over my life? I've had his grip on my shoulder, realisically and figuratively, for fifteen years. a decade and a half of looking over my shoulder, of shuddering when I see him walk by, of avoiding my front porch as much as possible. I never chose for him to take what he took from me. I never asked him to torture me. I never agreed to any of it. It was out of my control. I have come so far in my recovery, I don't deserve being shut in this box anymore. He does not deserve my energy and emotions for something like this. I have always said that I don't blame anyone but him for what happened, so why do I keep pushing myself down? I was six years old. I didn't understand the severity of it all until it was too late. I didn't tell anyone because I was threatened not to. I refuse to keep blaming myself for something that I in no way had control over. I'm not going to victimize myself anymore. HE was the one that started it all. HE was the one that pushed me into darkness. HE was the one that took more from me than I can even comprehend. Not me. I did what I could to make it stop. I did what I could to survive as a young child with her world flipped upside down in the blink of an eye. And you know what? I did a pretty damn good job at surviving if you ask me. Yeah, I may be trying my hardest at 21 to get my life on track, and as much as I curse my life at times and as much as I sometimes wish it would all just stop, I know there's something beautiful on the other side. I need to do this for myself. I am better than this. I deserve more than this. And it starts today.

I just had an epiphany while writing this...

There is something inside of me. Something beautiful, something bold, something brave. I feel as if my ribs are acting as a literal cage for this thing. It's like I have to explode before it will come to life, show it's face, and be seen by all. Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes of what I once was. I think that's the key that I've been looking for. I think I might have just had a mind blowing epiphany. Not only do I need to let go of the past, which is always easier said than done, but I need to let go of any preconceived notions that I am supposed to be a certain way. You might be sitting there thinking "how obvious", but I've never seen it until now. I need to let myself just flow. I need to fly. I don't think I've ever let myself just be. I know that it all plays into my anxiety and fear of others judgments, but holy crap. I'm literally freaking out right now. This is the craziest thing that I have ever realized. I need to let go. I need to be who I am. I need to forget what has been said or done in the past and realize that it's in the past. I am me. I am Alexa. I need to be proud of that, instead of ashamed of the things that are forever marked in my soul. I don't think I'm even explaining what's going on in my head correctly. This is such a big deal for me. The new year will bring a new me. I cannot wait.