I was born in the wrong decade. I was born in a time that was not ready for what I could achieve.

I'm such a horrible friend. I really am, so if you're starting to be friends with me, beware. I'm sorry, for what I've done, but I'm starting to think that apologizes aren't going to fix this. You were, and still are, my best friend in the world. Do you have any idea where I would be if we had never met? I would probably be dead. Honest to god. You've shown me so much in the few months that I've known you, and I love you to death. Please don't think that I did this on purpose. I really can't help who I like, just like you said. But when I told you that we liked each other, it wasn't to spite you, it wasn't to damage you. What I was trying to do is be a good friend, and tell you straight up, because I'm not one to keep shit from people, especially my best friend. There is nothing I can do make you happy, is there? I just wish I could be there for you twenty four seven, to make sure that you're okay. But I can't, there's no possible way. So for now I'll have to suffice with a blog and your eyes, for you to read the words I can't express to you.

Always the friend, never the girl. I feel so out of place here, on earth, I mean. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I'm not good enough for anyone. Not friends, not boyfriends, not girlfriends, not family. No one. I feel like I should just kill myself and get this over with. Nothing seems worth it anymore, I'm nothing to anyone and I need to accept that. The little amount of friends that I do have, treat me like the reject that I am. I just need an escape.. and I know what that is. I just don't know if I want to turn to it tonight. I need some weed, damnit.

I've got a crush, on you.. I hope you feel, the way that I do..

I forgive you for what you may or may not have done. I'm letting go of everything, all ties, that lead back to him. Sadly some people would say that would involve giving you up as well, but i'm not going to do that. I'm going to sit back and watch the world burn with you, and I won't give you up until we explode along with the rest of the earth. I love you. I have since the day I.. "met" you. nothing anyone says or does will change my mind about that. You are the most remarkable creature ever to grace this planet. I missed you, so damn much when we weren't talking. But what you said about me is true for you as well. You have this amazing energy. I can feel it when we text, talk on the phone, or talk online. Oh how I wish you could just be mine..

"Yeah, but this one, this one right here, this was my wish, my dream, and it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back."

We could have been something we wanted. We could have been anything we wanted. But you threw that all away, you just had to, didn't you? You knew how happy I was with you and you never wanted to see that. You never wanted to see me happy. When I found out that you weren't.. shit I can't even say it. When I "found out", my life ended. I died a little inside that day. And you never gave a shit. So why do i find myself dreaming about you? Why do I wake up in the middle of the night and cry because you're not next to me? Why do I wish every single time that someone knocks on the door that it's going to be you? I wasn't good enough. Not for the fake you, or the real you. I just wasn't good enough. I'll never be good enough. You were the one person I wanted, the one person that protected me, and you threw it all away.

Enough Said.

I'm not important to you anymore, am I? I'm not good enough anymore, am I? You are slowly forgetting about me, you are, I can feel it. Everything I loved about you is wasting away, and I don't even care anymore. Because for the last year and a half, I have been second best to you. Hell I've been forty-second best to you. EVERYONE comes before me in your eyes and I'm getting damn well sick of it. I will always be your friend, but no longer will I waste love on you. Goodbye.

Alone

I sit in my room. I sit alone. Alone. There is nothing I can do to shake these feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, death. Everything I do seems to be wrong.. I just can't shake these feelings. I'm losing my friends so fast.. so quickly they just disappear. So again, I sit alone. Alone from the world, the friends that are left, my family. They don't understand, except for one person. My best friend. We can sit in a room together and talk for hours, and in the end I don't feel so alone. I feel like I have a companion, someone who fully understands everything that I'm going through. I love her to death, and I wouldn't give her up for the world. Please, Lisa Jeeyoung Doppel, never leave my side.

I Swear I Love You

I promise, I really do. I want us to be together, but more than that I want you to be happy. And if happy for you doesn't involve me, then that's just fine. I just want you to be happy..

Big City Dreams

I want nothing more than to leave this place. Leave the people, the situations, the life, EVERYTHING. I can't stand being here anymore. I can't stand living in this apartment that gives me nothing but bad memories. Everything here is just a fucking lie. Everyone is fake, no one is true to what they say, and there's nothing I can do to change it but change myself. That's something I will not do. So, instead, I'll leave. I need to get out and away, without all these people following every single move i make. Fuck Washington. Everything here is fucked. I want to leave. I need to leave.

Dear Paddy (:

WOOHOO! YOU'RE FINALLY SEVENTEEN!
i hope you have a greattttt birthday, and we really really need to hang out soon (:

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry I’m a bad friend.

I’m sorry I’ve let you down.

I’m sorry I’m not good enough.

I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do to change your mind.

I’m sorry you hate me, for absolutely no reason.

I’m sorry I can’t control my anger sometimes.

I’m sorry I can’t control my emotions even more often.

I’m sorry I’m a bad daughter.

I’m sorry I’m a bad sister.

I’m sorry that I try to hard.

I’m sorry that I went too far.

I’m sorry that I’m horrible when it comes to relationships.

I’m sorry that nothing I ever do is right.

I’m sorry that sometimes I follow the wrong path.

I’m sorry that more than once in a while I mess up.

I’m sorry that no one cares anymore.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

I’m sorry I can’t help you.

I’m sorry for everything.

I’m sorry for being nothing to you.

I’m sorry for not being the perfect girl.

But most of all, I’m not sorry.

I’m not sorry because every mistake that I’ve made,

Every lesson that I learn,

Has turned me into something that I’m proud of.

Wow. Just Fucking Wow.

THANK YOU FOR GOING BEHIND MY BACK, AGAIN.

Please Don't

I'm talking from experience. I'm talking from the heart. Don't you EVER fall in love, date, or be romantically inclined with someone you have never met. Why? Well to be honest, they probably are not who they say they are. They can have a cell phone and text you. They can call you ever single night. They can send you things in the mail. They are a real person. Just probably not the person you think that they are. I'm battling falling out of love with someone who does not exist. Someone who faked being someone else for a year and a half. Can you imagine that? Probably not, and there are doubts in many people's minds if the person I'm talking about is really real, or really fake. What I'm trying to say is, when you find out that the person that you really like, love, or are dating is not real. It's going to break your heart into a million little pieces. It's seriously, and I know this one from experience too, like getting a phone call and having someone tell you that the love of your life is dead. They disappear. You'll never, ever get to follow through with all the plans you made. You'll never get to see them, face to face. They can have videos, a million pictures online, and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean that they are real. If you have doubts about someone you're talking to being real or not, ask them to webcam with you. If they say "oh I look horrible today" or "oh I don't have one" or "oh how about tomorrow" THEY ARE LYING. I've been through all the excuses. I've been through everything. I'm just trying to save someone, anyone, from the heartbreak that I continue to go through.

For The Last Time

Alright, here's the deal. I want you two to stay as far away from each other "romantically" as possible. I don't give a shit if you're friends, but this whole "heeeey, I know we're best friends, and I know you just broke up with your ex boyfriend, but I'm in love with him" bullshit, is NOT working for me. I've made my opinion very fucking clear and if you two can't get that through your fucking heads, I'm not the one with a problem. You know how serious it was with him, and he knows how serious it was as well. So? What's the big problem? YOU JUST DON'T TRY AND DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MOST RECENT EX BOYFRIEND. I'm done, and I'm getting really fucking sick of this bullshit drama.

The World, and Me.

The world holds me in the palm of it's hand. I try to break free but it's grip is just too strong. The world outside of this prison is moving faster and more quickly than I can comprehend. I try to slow it down, I promise that I at least try. But the quicker i try to grasp a hold onto what's going on, the world is off onto another tangent and I can't follow that one either. What is it going to take for me to take the world in? I thought I was doing something right, photography being my passion and all. I thought that by seeing the world in a different way through a lens would give me a different perspective of things, and I might finally see the world for the gorgeous mass that it is. But I still find that the world is not worth staying on. But there's something keeping me here. I'm not sure what, but there's something there. After all the years that I've thought long and hard about leaving, and after all the attempts to make the pain go away, there's still something keeping me here. If you have any idea what that might be, please let me know.

Tick, Tock.

Time is passing so quickly.

I'm In Love With Illusions

Before you go and say that your heart is oh-so broken,
because the love of your life ran to someone else,
or because they don't love you back,
try falling in love with someone,
and loving them for over a year,
and then finding out that they
never existed.

I'm Waiting

I'm waiting for you.
For you to come and sweep me away.
For my knight in shining armor.

This Dark Cloud.

I have this dark cloud hanging over me: Depression, Suicidal thoughts, The occasional voices, and Addiction. Everything that I go through in my head everyday is all inside of this cloud. I'm tired of wishing, complaining, hoping and praying that things will get better. I know deep down that things will always be like this. They always have been, so why would they stop anytime soon?

Things always start to look up for me. Then faster than I can say "don't", it all comes crashing down before my eyes. I can't be happy for one minute with out my mind ruining it for me. Every single time that I try to fix things for myself, they always get ruined. I sabotage myself each and every day, and I'm starting to get really sick of it.

Everything I do, or try to do, is wrong. I can't make anyone happy, not even myself. How am I going to make it through life when I can't even do anything right? When I can't make anyone happy, when I can't please anyone? I was told not that long ago by one of my favorite people in the world that I couldn't please him. That I couldn't make him happy. Can you ever wrap your mind around that statement? Can you even fathom what that did do me?

I can't wait much longer for things to look up. This cloud that hangs over my head is consuming me. Slowly but surely, I will be eaten alive by this cloud. All the things that it has already consumed are waiting for me. My innocence, my happiness, and my life..they are all waiting for me on the other side. What will it take to get them back?

Liar.

I'M GETTING SO FUCKING SICK OF YOUR GOD DAMN LIES.
AND YOU SAY I'M THE LIAR?

It Started With A Kiss

Exactly two years ago today, was the worst day of my life. I cannot explain to you what exactly happened to constitute it as the worst day of my life, but just know that it was. It started with a kiss. That's all I wanted it to be, just my first kiss. But he took it way too far. I never said no. And he knows that. But at the exact same fucking time, I did not say yes either. I've told my therapist what happened. You know what she calls it? Sexual Assault. You know what he called it? A fun little game. You mother fucker, I was just a part of your twisted little game. I don't know why I didn't see the signs sooner. Leaving five minutes after and never talking to me again? What the fuck is that? I can't believe it's been two years since I saw you last. Since I talked to you last. Since everything happened. I replay that day over and over and over in my mind, every single day of my life since it happened. I was 15. I was not ready for it. And you knew damn well that I wasn't. I want to take you to court so fucking bad. But that would mean I would have to see your fucking face again and I could not go through that. I can't go through everything again, and I cannot tell it to an audience. But just know, that I know, and you know, that what you did was wrong. And you will pay for it, one way or another.

Glamorous

We've allll been there. When everything is just so low that you wish you could just.. disappear. For me? I just wanted to be glamorous. I've always wanted to be a jet setting - on top of the world - fashion forward - top model. My dream might actually be coming true this month. A new agency, a photo shoot, everything is falling into place. But I'll still never be glamorous.

You Make It Hard To Smile Because You Make It To Breathe

Why do you do this to me? I want nothing more than to stop crying. To stop pretending that I'm okay. Can't you see how evident it is that I'm not? That I'm a shattered shell of the girl that I used to be. That I'm just a freak that has nothing to offer anyone. People, including you, see my scars, you see my tears, you see the blood, and you run away like a coward. You can't face what I really am. You can't face that I have addictions, just like you do. You can't face that somethings will never change. You just don't get it, do you? Depression, addiction, voices, thoughts, all of this is shit that I cannot control. But you'll never see me for a real person will you? You'll see me as a fragile little girl, and nothing more.

You Lied.

YOU LIED.

Why would you lie? Why would you put me through so much pain, agony, and fear? You knew damn well that your entire being was just a lie. Was it fun? Seriously, was it just fucking fantastic for you to watch me squirm? I want to know why. I want to know why you pretended to be someone for over a year. Why you chose ME. Why you still won't give up the ghost. Why you lied to everyone, and made some people believe in you so much, that they STILL believe that you are real. Well I don't. And you and your dumbass little followers can believe whatever the fuck you want, but I know the truth. And that is that you are NOT real, that you never were, that you lied through your fucking teeth just to fuck with us. Well FUCK YOU.

Colorful

I NEED SOMEONE TO SHOW ME THE COLORS, THE BEAUTY, AND THE LOVELY-NESS OF THIS WORLD.

I Need To Know

I need to know what I mean to you. What you really think about me. Because just telling me off every single time we talk is not working for me. I'm sorry, for everything that I have ever done to wrong you, especially kissing him in the rain instead of you first. Everything that I have done has been a huge mistake. How come whenever certain songs come on, when people say certain words, or when I think back to certain memories, I find myself in tears? I miss you so fucking much, I can't even explain it. This summer was the lamest summer I've ever had. Why? Because you weren't in it. But you've made it extremely loud, and crystal clear, that I will never be good enough for you. Deep down, I know you still care about me, even if it's just a sliver in your heart. I wish we could be friends, I really do, but we both know how are it is for the both of us if we try. I'm sorry.. I really am..

EDIT

but then again, you should be sorry as well.

Thank You

For showing me things I have never seen before;
For letting me know what love feels like;
For letting me feel what a broken heart is;
For showing me that I am stronger than I though;
For showing me that not every person in life is out to get me;
For feeding me with your bullshit, day after day;
For letting me feel happiness, even if was just for a day;
For letting me feel the pain of abuse, for over a year;
For showing me what it feels like to be alone;
For letting me know what being empty feels like;
For showing me who you really are;
For showing me your true colors;
For always being there for me;
For teaching me that life is valuable;
For teaching me that most boys are ass holes;
For teaching me that respecting yourself comes before respecting others;
For letting me experience feelings and emotions I've only felt in my dreams;
For wiping my tears when I cry, even if we're only on the phone;
For never letting me go, even when times got tough;
For letting me realize I'm better off without you;
For pretending to be someone you're not, in a way no one understands but us;
For being smart;
For being dumb;
For being a reject like me;
For being the best friend I ever could ask for;
For being a player;
For being nice to me when no one else was;
For being an asshole;
For being rude;
For being stubborn;
For being inconsiderate;
For being selfish;
For being jealous;
For being sorry;
For making me smile;
For making me laugh;
For all the fun times we had;
For all the possibilities;
For making me happy;
For making me sad;
For making me cry;
For making me depressed;
For making me feel sorry and guilty, when I didn't do anything wrong;
For making me believe;
For making me confused;
For making me jealous;
For making YOU be the biggest mistake of MY life
For making me feel complete;
For making me feel incomplete;
For your wonderful kisses;
For your touch;
For the shoulder to cry on;
For your comforting words;
For your hurtful words;
For yelling at me;
For snapping at me;
For saying things you meant;
For saying things you didn't mean;
For saying I'm yours;
For saying you're mine;
For hurting my feelings more than anything;
For treating me like shit at times;
For believing in me;
For giving up on me;
For giving me inspiration;
For taking me for granted;
For testing me;
For opening my eyes;
For telling me you care;
For telling the truth;
For the good and the bad;
For calling me beautiful;
For changing your mind;
For losing someone that cares about you more than most;
For opening up;
For listening to me;
For helping me find myself;
For everything you did for me;
For everything you didn't do for me;

But most of all, Thank you to every single one of you, for being you.
With out the Best Friends, Family, Friends, Bitches, Assholes, Hurtful Words, Kind Words, Bad Advice and Good Advice,
I would not be the person I am today.
Some of you don't like that person, well that's just fine with me.
Because I am proud of myself, for being who I am,
regardless if I slip up here and there,
regardless if I say things I don't mean,
and regardless if I'm not perfect.
Because I'm proud of myself for making it through each and everyday.

Just Peace

This post is going to sound really cheesy and really stupid to some, but seriously? All I've ever wanted in my life is Peace. The ability to be at peace with my life. The ability to not fight with people ever chance I get, or that they get. I want to be a normal girl. One who doesn't have people hating her for no reason. One that is peaceful with herself and others. But that's not possible, is it? Because there will always be people in my life who hate me for no reason. There will always be something going on inside of my head that makes in impossible for me to sleep at night. I want someone to look me in the eyes and truthfully say to me, "Everything will be alright. I promise." Because every single time I have ever heard that, it's been a lie.

I Want You Back

Everyone says that I wasn't ready. They're right. I was fifteen. But now? Now, I am ready. She never existed. She wasn't real. But as my therapist explains, when I found out that I wasn't, it was like I lost her. I want her back. So fucking badly. There is nothing I wouldn't do to have her back in my life. When I think about all of this I'm on the verge of throwing up. I just want her back. I want it all back. The life I was going to have. The perfect life. But it was all fake. Just like her. I cry every single fucking night because of this. I don't know how people that really did lose something inside of them deal with it. Here I am, a fraud, crying my eyes out every single night. I lie when I say that I'm okay with it. I lie when I say that I don't want her back. You can call me a bad person all you want, wanting to bring something into this world in the condition that I'm in, but it's my choice and I've made up my mind. I will do whatever it takes to get her back into my life. I sit here, actually jealous of some people, because they have what I don't. What is wrong with me..?

I Am The Combined Efforts of Everyone I Have Ever Known

I compare myself to people a little bit too much. I look at a picture like the one above and think "If I looked just a little bit more like her, I'd make it so much farther in the modeling world." I wish I was skinnier. I wish I was prettier. My self esteem is at an all time low, just as I'm about to go to a cattle call for a new agency. love-oh-ly. People tell me all the time that I'm gorgeous, that I take beautiful pictures, that I can go so much farther with modeling that I have in the past. So what's stopping me? If everyone else see's it, why can't I? Why can't I see the beauty in the mirror? The beauty that everyone else see's, everyday. My low self esteem has stopped me from doing so much. I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend for obvious reasons. I just wish someone could love me, regardless if I don't love myself.

Real Men

TWICE in my life I have been encountered with the agonizing weight of being raped. Once it happened over, and over, for longer than a year. The second time, I thought that I was older and wiser, that I had to power to stop it that time. I was so, so young the first time. But the second time.. I should have been able to say no. I never said yes, but at the same time I never said no, so that counts as sexual assault. To me, it was rape. He took my "virginity," the thing I had not had since I was six, but still something I cherished so much. The first boy, he took my innocence, my heart, my soul, my everything. I want it back. You mother fuckers, I want it all back. Look at me now. Are you happy with what you did to me? How you stole everything from me? Rot in hell you assholes, I can't believe that you would do such a thing.

I Need To Get Away

I need to get out of this place. There's something about it, something that makes me cringe. The people, they are the worst. They're cruel and sadistic, and I need to get away from them. Ever wonder why most of my friends live at least a half hour away? Hmmm. I thought it would be better when I changed schools. Inglemoor was horrible. Everyone there was a bitch, asshole, or just plain fake. But now, long overdue, I've realized that that's what every school is like. I can count on two fingers who actually treats me well at my school. The rest? HAH. Even my best friends have their moments. They talk shit, they fall in love with my ex boyfriend, they start fights. But the ones that matter are the ones that stay. And that I know for a fact.